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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

213 replies

saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:25

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 22:36

Has everyone gone to bed now? If so, I'll log off. Thanks for the posta so far.

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 13/02/2007 22:38

It sounds like you've got so many issues over and above his betrayal with this woman. I think you've put up with a lot from him and tbh if you've asked him for some time and space and he won't allow you to even have that, are you once again letting him dictate how you should handle your feelings?

You might well be able to forgive and forget later down the line but maybe you should give yourself more than a couple of hours to do that. If you're usually non-confrontational and a people-pleaser then you really have taken a huge step in asking him to leave. It's a funny thing to say you should feel proud of yourself but I think you should - you may have even felt like doing it a number of times in the past.

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 22:41

Please advise CashNCarry - I will read with interest.

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 13/02/2007 22:43

oops - took too long to post and you've gone to bed. Hope you sleep okay. Just a parting thought - if you do decide to meet up with him tomorrow, make sure it's on your terms, in a location other than home if possible, maybe even write down some of how you're feeling so that you can get it just right and not be swayed by any emotions you might feel when you see him.

I know it all sounds very clinical - but it does seem like you could do with standing up for yourself. Maybe you could even suggest visiting relate if he wants you to take him back. You hold the cards for the time being so make sure you make him work for your forgiveness - you deserve it!

Hope you feel better? If you're going to be off work tomorrow, why don't you book yourself a haircut or a general pamper. Might seem trivial but it will get you out of the house and give you that all-important confidence boost...

Cashncarry · 13/02/2007 22:48

Right, not so good with links but willing to give it a go!

most recent thread

original thread

Hope they help put my advice in perspective.

Cashncarry · 13/02/2007 22:51

Good Lord - it worked!! I'm off to bed now - got a relatively early start. I'm sure if you need to talk, there will be other posters (all wiser than me ) who will offer a shoulder. That's the beauty of MN. Night night xx

pinkchampagne · 13/02/2007 22:53

I'm still around, STA.x

sunnysideup · 13/02/2007 23:25

I think a bit of time for you without dh is a really good idea - it sounds like what this might have done is shift the balance of power in your relationship in a big way and judging by what you've said, that may not be a bad thing at all - you obviously feel you have been too accommodating to your dh and his ways....well I think if you and your dh are to come back from this, which is perfectly possible, then this incident has to be the thing that gets you really communicating and getting to know eachother again, and you can take the chance to hold all the cards for once. your DH is obvioulsy desperately regretting what he has done and you should let him sweat for a bit!

I think this might be a chance to get the relationship built more equally around YOUR needs as well. If your dh can't offer you that then maybe the betrayal would feel too much to get over? I don't know...but I think it could be recoverable from and could leave your relationship stronger....

CocoLoco · 14/02/2007 00:06

I got through something like this (actually a bit worse than this, and I was pregnant at the time). The trust has never been fully repaired but we're a stronger couple than before. It's a horrible shock for you but it sounds like he wants to make things better, that's a start.

Original poster
saythatagain · 14/02/2007 03:58

I don't know whether anyone is online now. Thanks for the posts so far. Deep, deep down I desperately want to make it work BUT I'm so fixated on the betrayal, along with how our existing lives are that I don't know if I am unable to move on from it. Which makes me think if I really do want him back. Looking back, dh has me just where he wants/ed me. Somewhere between a housekeeper and main child carer with him popping in and out of it as and when he feels like it. I work Monday to Thursday, have dd on Friday's whilst doing the 'other' stuff that only mums seem to think of. On Saturday WE go to see his family in Leeds and on Sunday I take dd to see my parents on my own because dh needs time on his own.....and I've accepted that! Then the week starts again and thats how it's been since day one virtually. Like a lot of other people, we are limited by our financial resources so going out together for us-time is not an easy option. I would be the first to admit that I sometimes reflect on my life and feel terribly depressed about it. He said he felt flattered by the attention and I am able to recognise that. But time and time again, I think back to his texts, which intimate that she makes things more worth while. He had 'gallantly' knew he never going to sleep with her; well we don't sleep together either so thats of no consolation. When I spoke to him some weeks ago about my nagging feeling that wouldn't leave me, he said he could not see how we would ever get back to sleeping together because he loves me in a different way....wow, that made me feel great.
He has said that he's been meaning to finish it and was only today going to say it was over. For God's sake that other woman and her dh are due to be starting ivf soon.
I almost wish some wise MN'er would come along and tell me what to do..i.e. steps 1 to 10 to get back the relationship we once had.

OP posts:
nearlyfourbob · 14/02/2007 04:14

I'm not wise - but for now I would do nothing. You need to get over the initial shock before making any decisions. It won't do him any harm at all to miss you a bit.

Original poster
saythatagain · 14/02/2007 04:18

As I'm unable to sleep, I'm writing a list of 'What X does for me' and 'What Ido for X'. Suffice to say, it is very one-sided.I haven't even rung anyone about it...I feel somehow ashamed about it; and that really doesn't make sense to me.
He said he would call tomorrow and come over to talk, but I don't waht about. Do you think I should leave it a bit longer?

OP posts:
alipiggie · 14/02/2007 04:39

Don't feel you can't ring people. I found out my H was having an affair via his Blackberry. You need to talk to someone to share you grief and feeling of betrayal. Him spending some time away from you is a good idea. He has to realise that he broke your trust and needs to earn that back. Give it another day without talking to him. Take it one day at a time. He needs to realise how much you're hurting. Dont' think my H still realises what he's done to me.

Original poster
saythatagain · 14/02/2007 05:07

Can you see yourself able to fogive him alipiggie? What was his excuse for doing that to you? I know this kind of thing goes on all the time but I foolishly though 'never to me, not my dh'. I'm scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
saythatagain · 14/02/2007 05:10

Why do I feel embarrassed and ashamed?

OP posts:
alipiggie · 14/02/2007 05:12

I did forgive him - twice in fact, the first time and then when I found out again that he'd never stopped the affair - difficult when people work together. We went to counselling together and then he decided it was all my fault as he'd been unhappy for years. So it's over for us. But that doesn't mean it can't work out for you. I couldn't take the lies anymore either and certainly would never have been able to trust him again.

alipiggie · 14/02/2007 05:14

I felt totally embarrassed and ashamed too btw. Then this lightbulb went on and I realised that it wasn't all my fault that he'd had an affair. Our main problem was and still is that he's cr*p at talking about anything. Says he told me how unhappy he was - he never ever did, just criticised everything I did. Don't feel like that you're worth so much more you really are. It's your self-respect that's taken a huge knock. You will recover from this whatever the outcome. You just have to make him realise that you're worth so very very much more. You can always chat offline to me at alisonsmits at gmail dot com

Original poster
saythatagain · 14/02/2007 07:07

I just don't know whether I can get back the (foolish) uncondtional trust I had. I even felt quite blase about our realtionship....finding someone else - as if! We were like hands in old gloves. I can see how our life is not great but why-o-why did he not talk to me about it. I am assuming the feelings he had for the other person didn't happen out of the blue, so at this first inkling, why didn't he talk? Is that so much to ask of someone you have supposedly committed your life to?
I am so weak -I waiting for some wise person to tell me what to do next.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2007 07:12

marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm

The above link is about emotional affairs and why they can happen.

Will he and you be both willing and able to go to Relate?.

mistressmiggins · 14/02/2007 08:11

how awful for you
unfortunately you are not alone

I think the key thing is that you are not to blame for him kissing/being unfaithful. Yes it takes 2 to make a marriage work BUT if one party is unhappy & doesnt say anything, thats not your fault. Being unfaithful is not acceptable.

Can you forgive him?
of course you can eventually.
Can you forget?
probably not but I believe the pain/memory fads with time.

I think that talking is a good idea & if you can, sooner rather than later as to be blunt you dont know whether SHE is talking to him. He needs to cut contact with her - hard if they work together. If you need to cry every time you see him, he needs to let you.

I have 2 brilliant books about surviving affairs which Im willing to post to you. Lot of good advice & is not a blame book - makes you look at things from both sides.

unfortunately the books didnt do me any good but thats partly cos my soon to be ex didnt read them.

Could you write a letter about all the positive things about your husband & your relationship; your hopes & dreams etc
and also put about how hurt you are etc & finally how you think you can BOTH move forward?
It helped me to put it all down on paper

again, unfortunately my ex didnt read it til the day I kicked him out & then told me he wished hed read it sooner

CAT me if you would like the books - free of charge - be glad to help

Take care of yourself
[hugs]

theflumpsmum · 14/02/2007 08:12

Saythatagain,I'm sorry for all that your going through.
Perhaps meeting up today would be too soon?You seem very confused about what you want (understandably),but there seems to be other underlying problems ie him only doing family things when he wants to and you resenting that.

I would wait a couple more days before having the chat,firstly you need to clear your head and secondly for you to have a decent amount of time to think about what you want in your relationship.
As for the chat I would bring up all the problems,feelings etc your having,don't just concentrate on the obvious,if he's as sorry as he's making out to be then he will be ready to help solve all the problems in your relationship,rather than just the most major one.Trust can be rebuilt with time but if the underlying problems are still there then in my honest opinion the relationship just would'nt work.
I hope thing's work out for you,whichever way that happens to be (hugs)

nearlyfourbob · 14/02/2007 08:31

I think you need to have had some sleep before you do anything really. You've obviously been up all night - and really that's no condition to have any sort of serious chat in.

Original poster
saythatagain · 14/02/2007 08:32

In the small hours I've written a lot down. Not just how awful he been, deceit,betrayal etc but about our life together. I do acknowledge that it's not all one-sided. With regards to the other party, they both (allegedly) knew it wasn't going anywhere. Her and her husband are due to be starting IVF in May!
He's just rung now and aksed to come round to talk about things. I have agreed, if only for him to take more clothes etc away with him.

OP posts:
nearlyfourbob · 14/02/2007 08:33

Pack him a bag - leave it by front door - tell him it's too soon.

noddyholder · 14/02/2007 08:40

You have been brilliantly calm about this and I think you should stay apart a bit longer at least over this week and weekend.This will show him you really mean business and will give you time to really think.