I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

[saythatagain]

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

Hi

I am sorry you are hurting so much and my heart goes out to you.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think the feelings you are experiencing are all natural and part of the 'healing' process.
You should allow yourself to 'feel' everything, every emotion, don't dismiss it as being silly, weak or unnecessary because it isn't, it is vital for you to feel these emotions to enable you to work your way through them.
It may take a long time for you to reach the stage where you feel you can forgive your DH. At the moment i suspect you may be feeling really vulnerable (understandably so)and right now, forgiving him may only serve to make you feel even more vulnerable because it can leave you open to further hurt.
A big trust has been broken and I absolutely applaud you for being prepared to work on your relationship with your DH. In my experience, baby steps work wonders. Just little step at a time.
Most of all, be kind to yourself just allow yourself to work through it gradually, no pressure!

Take good care X

I think you're expecting a lot from yourself to "move on" so quickly. It's perfectly normal for you to feel insecure considering the short amount of time that has passed since it happened.

I'm glad to hear he's reassuring you all the time - so he should! He obviously realises that this will be hard for you to move on from and hopefully will provide the support you need.

In the meantime, I thought you might like some practical tips for how to avoid that panicky feeling when you're just not sure whether you've done the right thing:

• if he's unexpectedly late and you start to feel panic, try to distract yourself. Don't phone him; you'll only get more upset if you can't get through.

• try to stop yourself from looking at his phone. (I'm only just starting to do this!) It'll tell you nothing. Rest assured that if he does it again, your instinct will tell you something's wrong.

• make time for the two of you. If necessary, spell it out to him how you want to be treated - flowers, chocs etc. - whatever floats your boat!

• make time for yourself. Set up regular nights out, spend time on your hobbies, your hair - whatever! Make sure that your happiness in general doesn't depend on him alone and that you have plenty of other people and things in your life to make you happy.

I feel like a bit of a fraud offering advice like this. Anybody who knows my history knows my rship is a bit of a mess but I do the above in order to keep control of the situation as much as I can. It hasn't made a difference in the rship so much - more in my confidence which has a knock on effect.

I know you'll take the advice with a pinch of salt if necessary! But you do have to find your own way to deal with your feelings without reference to him initially. I do hope Relate can help you and I'm sure some other MN'ers will be along to pass on their wisdom.

Thanks for those kind words. I feel so different so much of the time; it's so tiring and all consuming. I wish I was able to accept what I'm feeling as part of the healing process but I'm so scared of how I feel. Have I made the right decision? How do I really know if dh is telling me the truth? How will we ever be like we used to be? Questions, questions, question - my nerves are in tatters. I can't knock dh over how he has been since - supportive, understanding, reassuring....all the things I would expect. I just want to be able to trust him, something that I took for granted prior to this and now something I don't know will ever come back

Thats a key thing Cash - with hindsight, I have wrapped myself up entirely around dh, not quite literally hanging on his every word but not too far off. I am summising that that is why I feel so very vulnerable. I mentioned to him the other day that because I thought I had him, I didn't need him but now this has happened I feel that there is a huge gap in my life of utter emptiness.

Things will never be how they used to be, the dynamics have changed but, that doesn't mean to say you can't have a good, strong and loving realtionship with him.

I would take the pressure off myself, don't look at it as though you have made a decision but rather a choice to stay and work through things in an effort to work out where you go from here.

When you have been hurt and your trust has been betrayed it can take a long time and a lot of hard work on your part to get that back. You really do need to give yourself time.

"I have wrapped myself up entirely around dh" - you took the words out of my mouth. One of the things I always think is how much I adore DH and how important his words, his body language, his general approach to me is. I literally feel crushed when I think I don't have his approval.

Now that I've realised that DH is perfectly capable of making someone else feel that way I feel so sad I could cry all day every day

Just realised I'm not being very helpful

At least you know that I know how you feel

Saythat again. Have read this thread and don't think a month is long at all. It may take a lot of time to heal and trust after such a huge betrayal.
CnC, you're not a fraud. Your advice is valuable as you've been thru it, you can alawys see other people's probs clearer than your own.

I felt that sick feeling once when we had a huge fight and he stormed out.I've never thought he'd cheat on me and thank god he neverhas but that night i was convinced he was going to. Don't know why. If he had I know that sick feeling would have been hugely magnified. So I think you're doing well not to be hitting him with something hard and heavy.

Keep going, if it's what you want and well done so far. This is a hard thing to do.

OH gosh! My heart is going out to the two of you! X

Yes Cash - I too could cry at the very thought of it....and I often do.
I want to move on from this terrible time so much. Dh just keeps saying we have to keep on talking, talking, talking; not to bottle anything up even if it's the middle of the night. Because he has the 'luxury' of knowing exactly what did/didn't happen, and knew that it meant nothing, he is able to sort of box it up. I on the other hand am left with a very furtive imagination, low self esteem and a funny tummy!

Oh yes the funny tummy I remember

It got so bad last year that I was having huge coughing fits caused by indigestion - can recommend gaviscon for that!

Can't particularly recommend anything for the furtive imagination - stick your fingers in the ears and sing very loudly?!!

Hi Sayitagain. It's Rhian101 here (been through a name change since we last spoke )

I'm sorry to hear you're still finding it all hard, but I'm not surprised. A month is not long at all. Have you managed to phone relate? They can help you with coping mechanisms for all your worries and tell your DH how he can alleviate your concerns too. I'm glad that you are able to talk to each other and that he is letting you express yourself. Time is the most important factor. CashnCarry is right about trying to distract yourself from unproductive thoughts. Have you asked your DH to help by always calling if he's going to be late, letting you know everyhting (even if it seems like nothing to him), keeping you completely up to date all the time? All these little things will help calm you preemptively.

Hope you're feeling better today. You too Cashncarry! It's hard but I think you have come so far in the past month (it may seem like you haven't, but the postive steps you've put in place have been huge)

Hi Rhian - yes, I've contacted Relate; they're sending me the forms etc. I bet dh has forgotten about it so it will be interesting to see what he says when I tell him we have an appointment, which I'm led to believe will take quite a fews weeks before we get one. I've taken to writing things down during the day then pass it to DH to read when we get home, then we discuss! I think we are moving in the right direction together but very slowly (down to me); I daren't be too optimistic...I think it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. I've sent off for a book too that I saw on the Relate website called Staying Together (or something similar). Thanks for checking up on me!

That does sound positive. Don't expect too much from yourself and your emotions. You can choose what you do but not how you feel. You're doing brilliantly. x