I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

[saythatagain]

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

i think i would sit down and work out finances and see if we could find a way of him leaving his place of work or activley trying to.

I think he is remorseful, from what I've seen and heard him say. From your posts, I'm beginning to think I'm being too fair but thats how I naturally am....I think. Don't get me wrong, if I could hurt him, the way I feel at the moment, I would. But there's nothing, apart from finishing our marriage that would give the desired effect. DH is so absolutely certain that 'it was nothing', I am summising (which I will get confirmed by him) his attitude reflects that.

I'm not talking about doing things deliberately to hurt him, but to let him know how he has hurt you and to ensure he does not hurt you again. You are being fair, but he is not.

I think maybe you're making it too black and white - either you forgive him and accept it all or you punish him and end the rship.

Maybe there's a middle ground - you don't forgive him yet, you certainly don't accept what's happened as "nothing" but you do allow him to prove to you that your rship is worth saving.

I've read again what his text to you says and can't believe what a cheeky bugger he is! Bite the bullet and tell him you DO want him to end the friendship. If that's difficult for him - tough titties!

Can I ask what he has actually done to show he is remorseful? Not words - they are easy to say - but actual efforts on his part.
He hasn't stopped being friends with the woman.
He had to leave because he had no choice.
Don't post if you don't want to, but you haven't said anything that shows his remorse -other than words - so far.

I feel that Rhian - the fairness thing; it all appears to have been smoothed over; which is what I do supremely well...being a people pleaser and all!
Custy - I so wish that it was as straight forward as that, but it's just not an option for us.
I will definately be confronting him about the friendship issue. I'm analyising it and am thinking that he thinks it was a bit like a xmas snog at the office party....meant nothing, lets move on and forget about it etc.

You're right, and thats something else I will ask him.
Would you mind if I logged off now? I'm at work, which actually isn't a problem but I so knotted up about what has been brough up. I'm finding it hard to function properly. I am really truely thankful for your comments because it is making me look at things at a different angle and not the usual 'lets move on and forget about it' way.
I will log on tomorrow, or even tonight if I can but I will definately be back to keep on getting the support you are all giving me. Thank you so much.

Ok, I'm away for a few days so will check in on you when I get back. Hope it all works out. Just take your time and make sure that any decisions made put no added pressure on you. Look after yourself x

lol at asking to log off!

you really are a people-pleaser! chin up xx

have been watching this thread ,so sorry for what you are going through just wanted to add you can forgive but you will never forget but you have alot to build on.He should realize the devastation he has put you through.It takes a strong person to walk away from a relationship but an even stronger one to fight for it along with your family.I hope you get what YOU want out of this and in turn makes you stronger and happier in the future as you move forward it will get easier.Thinking of you!!!!

Ditto what Orangeblossom says. It's absolutely not fair that you have to be the bigger man but it's the only way to come out of it with a happy marriage. You're not giving in too easily or being a doormat, I'm sure you will not make it easy for him but you also won't punish him forever. One day the hurt will be less and you'll be able to work together on the happiness bit of the marriage, rather than the business-as-usual side for the kids.
You do need to be sure he knows that he has to earn your trust all over again though, not through sucking up but by seeing you as a person in your own right.

Hello again: I have allowed DH to come back into the home. We have talked at length about 'the situation'. He is (I believe him) remorseful and all the other predictable stuff you would expect. I am sure he has no idea about the amount of pain he has caused me, but then how would he?
I seem to swing from feeling just about capable of functioning, which is nowhere near feeling normal and then can sink so low I feel like I'm going to pass out.
I know it is still very early days but does the feelings I am having mean that my subconscience is telling me I've done the wrong thing? It's such a strange area to me, somehwere I've never been to before. I don't know if it's better to finish it, deal with the pain and know eventually it will get better. Or, does it get better once you've made the decision I have of making a go of things? As usual, advice please!

I've just re-read Rhian's post about what has he shwon you, other than words, how remorseful he is? Want do you mean by that Rhian...thanks.

Saythatagain, he has broken your heart , you're doing the best you can. As all the cliches and lovesongs say, time is a healer. You probably remember from being a teenager only this time you have the kids and home etc to look after and you have to go on living with the object of your pain. Give yourself a break. Any chance you can get away for a day over the weekend, go swimming or something to use your body and give your poor brain a rest?
When you're ready you could try writing down your feelings for your dh (bulletpoints and cartoons needed for most men LOL) to get the message through.

PS I have known couples in your situation and actually their marriages are better than before because the spectre is always there reminding them both how close it all came to disaster.

Saythatagain - it sounds like you're trying to predict the future which although is understandable, is a waste of your energy.

Try to concentrate on what you can do for yourself. At the moment, you want to continue the rship in the hope you can keep your family together and hopefully improve things on all counts.

You can't vouch for what his behaviour will be. I hope this doesn't upset you but you're taking a leap of faith believing him generally. That's not to say you're wrong but you have to admit the possibility. Even if he's telling the truth, what's to stop him (or any man in fact) from either doing it again or doing worse.

What I'm trying to say is, worry about the things only you can control. Your actions, your efforts to move on and maybe trust him, your being more assertive etc. etc.

You're going to have to prepare yourself for a lot of doubting and a lot of "two steps forward, and five back". I hope that's not too depressing! For what it's worth, as many times as I doubt DH now, I never regret that I'm trying to make it work. The regret would be if I didn't.

Have not had time to read the whole thread in detail, but just want to add my support and reassure you STA. Something similar happened with my DP a long time ago - before we had DS, so a different situation, but similar that he works with the woman and so cannot now avoid her. We have rebuilt our relationship much better than before and we are still happy - and have subsequently had DS - but I was worried about the other woman still being around and them maintaining a working friendship. I accept he can't avoid her fully but I did insist on him minimising contact with her. Early on there were a few occasions where he tried to lend her our things, give her lifts etc (she is a bit pathetic and needy) and although that sounds dodgy I'm pretty sure it was him being naive and thinking he could have the same friendship with her as before. I hit the roof and it did eventually sink in with him that he had to pay the price of a friendship with her if he wanted to stay with me. Luckily she too has moved on now and lives with her partner and it's all OK (work parties are not exactly fun though... )

It can be OK, it can actually give a relationship a useful shake-up, and I think you've been very strong and noble about it, not weak at all. Keep talking, tell him how much it hurts, ask him to help you and heal you, ask him to make it up to you - you deserve it. And I also think if there's a possibililty you can work it out and be happy, that would be best for your DD too. Keep going and good luck.

I would be the first to admit that our relationship did need a shake up (I have mentioned this earlier) and I agree that it will hopefully, in the long run, make our marriage better and stronger. You're right about taking a leap of faith. It seems to be all coming from me and boy, is it tiring. I hope, really hope that I will start to feel differently but as I said earlier, I'm still thinking 'did I make the right decision or didn't I'?.... Is that normal?

saythatagain, just read your latest post and its funny you should mention being in unfamiliar territory...

I actually discussed leaving my dh with my doctor as even now, 3 years later when I feel the pain of what he done, it is still a sore as the day he confessed all.

So in answer to your question, this is how I worked it out. How would you feel if you did end you marraige because of this and then found out he was with someone else, I mean would it destroy you?

Or do you feel you were to be together for ever and having something worth saving?

Only you can know but the pain does lessen but for me, personally it has never gone away..

And don't forget that she was probably attracted to him because he is Mr Family Man. In a way it's a compliment to you having made him the man he is. If he is a generally nice chap he will probably find it hard to be the bad guy and will not want to upset this poor wee gal he's accidentally led on . You have to draw the line about what is acceptable behaviour and make sure he has made it clear to her too (offer to do that yourself if he is reluctant!)

I think Mellow is right sadly - my latest thread is testament to the fact that you can feel that "punch in the stomach" feeling even a year later

On the plus side, there are certainly times when I forget all about it and I guess everyone has baggage don't they? You can't be in a rship with someone and not feel hurt about things they've done in the past....

Make him do some work - start making demands about quality time and romantic gestures. That'll take your mind off the worry

Of course you're in a lot of pain and yes doubts are normal. But remember you can still leave him if this relationship ever isn't right for you or isn't working. You're giving him a chance, and by the sound of it I think what he did isn't all that bad (I mean it's hurt you a lot obviously, which is bad, but it's not like an ongoing affair or whatever, and he sounds sorry) - so FWIW I think giving him a chance is the right thing to do - but you don't have to decide now whether it's on for ever or off for ever. Take it as it comes.

I find it really difficult to see life without dh. He isn't the type to do what he did (that sounds totally ridiculous I know), and perhaps that is why I feel so totally devastated by his actions. His couple (literally)of kisses with this woman, I think from waht he has said, was flattering to someone who was feeling unhappy (to do with work). This in no way makes what happened all right but this is where I can put myself in that place and say that maybe I may well too have been tempted; given our life as it is at the moment. I suppose all I can do is hope and then hope some more that things will be ok between us. He did say last night how annoyed he was that they both have essentially spoilt what was a good friendship within the work place.

Oh and I so agree with Buckets' last post. This woman is almost certainly so, sooooo jealous of you and what you have and wants a piece of it. You are almost certainly stronger and more secure than her, despite what you're feeling now. This is a woman who would two-time her own partner and have herself another woman's man. Not that is weak - not your behaviour.

When this happened to me, what really, really helped was getting together with a good girlfriend and having a bloody good old bitch about my rival (it helped that my friend knew her too). I don't know if this would be your bag - you sound nicer than me! - but I'd certainly recommend crying on a female friend's shoulder as well as talking to your DH. He can spend time with DD while you see friends and indulge yourself, perhaps?

Think you should remind him that spoiling his friendship with this woman wasn't the worse possible outcome - losing his DW was!