Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

213 replies

saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:25

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
orangeblosson59 · 19/02/2007 16:37

great news ,for a while each time you argue it will be thrown back at him but he will just have to take it on the chin if you keep it inside it will just fester keep working at it and things will get better for you both but always remember you and dd are the prioritiesgood luck!!!!

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 09:34

I feel terribly low today, I am desperately trying to put everything into perspective, be positive, acknowledge and absorb everything dh and I have discussed but I can't help replaying the events over and over in my head...as if thats helpful.
I know there are no magic answers; it would be a plus if the physical sick feeling would shift. I am wondering it thats my instinct telling me I've made the wrong choice .

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 09:44

Oh poor you

I don't think the physical feeling of being sick is an indicator that you made the wrong decision. Don't under-estimate the power of stress. I remember feeling really nauseous for a couple of months after the break up of a big rship and going to the doctor convinced I had a bug and was told it was stress

I think that this is your body's way of coping with stress. Some people get migraines, some people feel dizzy, some get IBS symptoms. Have you been to the doctor? It might not be a bad idea just to put your mind at rest.

The other thing I'd suggest is that you find a neutral person to discuss things with. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're only discussing this with DH and us here on MN, right? Is there a RL friend you could sit down and bash this out with. You'd be amazed what a difference it could make...

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 09:55

I keep on thinking about that Cash and yes, there is someone I could speak to about it all. It's just getting the time to get together, which sounds ridiculous given the importance of it all. The fact is, that everyone has there own lives to get on with. I'm under the impression that dh has sort of drawn a line under it all. He's bared his soul, told me how much he loves me etc and thats it. I'm nowhere near that stage.

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 10:35

That's just like a man to think all he has to do is talk about it once and it's all done and dusted

As far as getting together with your friend, make time!! It's essential that you talk about this with someone who knows you well who can make sure that you don't get all caught up in his declarations of love. It's not that it's not important that he tells you he loves you, it's just that you need some motivation to make him prove it and friends can help in that respect.

Try to treat the physical sick feeling as you would any other illness. Drink plenty of water, do some deep breathing exercises, do whatever you need to make you feel better...

Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 10:51

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad STA. He is being very typically blokish and it's time you were typically injured. You say you put up with a lot of his quirks and unusual behaviour; well it's time he put up with your completely normal and rational behaviour and gave you a bit of understanding.

You have every right to keep reminding him as long as it is bothering you. Is he still frinds with that woman?

Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 10:54

There's another thread on Relationships that is quite similar to yours - "Caught DH having an affair..." - If you wanted some more advice.

mumto3girls · 20/02/2007 10:59

I have just read this thread for the first time and wanted to offer my sympathey for what you're going through SAT. Sorry I can't offer you any real solid advice as I know if it were me then I would have thrown him out for good. End of story.

One thing though that irked me...your husband got annoyed about how soon you would 'have thrown it all away' after your recent misunderstanding'...WTF..he was willing to risk it all by snogging some one else...

Tell him he should come with you to your parent's at the weekend too, sounds like he's had too much 'time on his own'...just my opinion...

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 11:46

Thats what I'm thinking - that he's really thinking it should be finished with now. And I'm so pathetic that I daren't speak about it. I am questioning whether I want to be with someone who can treat me like this. He doesn't mean it (I know, I know ), he just wants to get on with things and put it behind us. In the meantime I just fester and shake with nerves/stress. Is it worth the bother, if I asked him to leave again, what if doesn't think its worth it either ?

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 11:56

He absolutely needs to realise that what he wants CANNOT happen. He has screwed everything up and now he wants it all to be over. Well, it can't be! You MUST express this to him or your marriage doesn't stand a chance. He needs to see how much damage he has done and how long term that damage is.

I'm so sorry that he is being so bloody ignorant! You really need to shake him up.

I noticed you didn't answer my question about his friendship. Does that mean what I think it means?

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 12:36

The friendship still stands Rhian, purely because they work within the same team. Dh has said she was as relieved as he is that it's over (?????) and it was the end of what was a good friendship. I suppose at some point I just have to go with it but it's hard. I know that if I instigate further talks this evening he will just say 'what else can I say or do, I am very sorry and I wish it hadn't happened. I love you very mcuh, you and dd are my life and I couldn't go on without you'.....what more can I expect to hear from him? He has changed. Whilst I'm typing this I'm asking myself 'what more do you want STA'? I am SO fed up with myself as much as the situation.

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 13:29

The next time he asks you what more he can say or do, you say "You can listen".

I can speak for everyone else, but what's happening is perfectly normal. It's barely a week since you found out something that blew your world apart. All you've got out of him so far are words - sincere well-meant words but words nonetheless. It's his job now to reassure you and keep doing whatever he needs to do to reassure until you feel better, be it a week, a year, five years - whatever it takes.

It's not about what you want - you never asked for any of this. It's about him showing his commitment to you where he failed so miserably before.

Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 13:29

sorry that should say - I can't speak for everyone else

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 13:33

I will bear that in mind Cash. We have done a lot of talking and will no doubt continue to. I think, if I am entirely honest, I am similar to dh in my quest to deal with it and move on. The only trouble with that is that nothing is really resolved. Crikey, I'm just one big bag of contradictions!

OP posts:
Mellowma · 20/02/2007 13:34

Message withdrawn

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 13:40

Thanks Mellowma - I did feel a little taken aback by something so direct and it threw me for a little while as to whether I was missing something very obvious (I'm not having a go mumto3).

OP posts:
Mellowma · 20/02/2007 13:44

Message withdrawn

Mellowma · 20/02/2007 13:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 13:58

Me too! I would have thought b**ks to you, you nasty piece of st, get the fk out of our lives, rot in hell etc, etc BUT, when you love that piece of s*t, even though he's done something soooo indescribably (sp?) bad, it would appear to be harder than you think and I am definately proof of that.

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 20/02/2007 14:01

Mellowma - you're right, I can't offer advice as such from a personal point of view. When I said that I would definitely kick my DP out I mean't it, but this isn't neccessarily a strength of character - probably more a weakness...but I wanted to let OP know that.

I do think that my point is correct though in that he was having a go at her at being so capable of throwing away their relationship, but he doesn't seem to realise that he was doing the same by risking it with this silly dalliance.

Anyway - I do know when to shut up..so I will do it now.

Mellowma · 20/02/2007 14:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 14:15

Thats my trouble Mellowma - to bloody sensitive and a people-pleaser to boot. It's a recipe for disaster really!

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 15:14

I agree that he's not listening to you. Please, please, please go to relate. They are so helpful and will be able to put some equality back into your relationship. If there is one thing he could do to prove he is sorry it is go to relate and sort out everything - things he did and problems before.

Do you think that's something you could do? IT would really show he cared.

Mellowma · 20/02/2007 15:19

Message withdrawn

Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 15:27

Being a people pleaser is much better than being a selfish sod!

The idea of going to relate is much weirder than being there. It's just great to have an opportunity to get across both sides of a situation and have somebody help reconcile the 2 views. It really takes the pressure off 'talking'.