I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

[saythatagain]

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

I would just say keep the communication open. Have a chat even if you agree not to discuss in too much detail for a few days.

Regardless of whether they both say it was never going anywhere, they ahve both been unfaithful. How do you know her husband hasnt found out too & will kick her out?

Im not being dramatic but I was in your situation 16 months ago and Im not entirely sure asking him to leave is the right thing either.

its all very confusing isnt it & you feel like your world has been changed forever.

Message withdrawn

Exactly MM, I don't want to become someome I'm not. I not too good at confrontation hence me writing everything down.
And yes, if they're at work together how would I ever be able to believe that it's over. He said she'd even talked about leaving and getting another job: all that says to me is that they're unable to not just be friends. I have actually had some sleep due to a little helping hand! I have packed a bag for him, which is standing by the door. i just wish I could stop shaking. I feel I want to keep on re-reading the texts they sent each other just ot make sure that I am interpretting (sp?) correctly. Saying I love you at the end = a big kick in the stomach to me.

I have put in my letter to him that I know everything is not great and, perhaps given another set of circumstances, I could have done the same thing.....I think. It just hurts so, so much.

I'm sorry but I have no idea what CAT is.

Message withdrawn

Hun I don't think you should talk to him yet. Tell him you'll talk to him Friday next week and you need the time to think.

You want the relationship to be what it probably never was (I feel) - ideal. He's in a hurry to have things "fixed". I can't help feeling if you meet up with him now, you'll end up with him moving back in and nothing resolved.

Take your time.

CAT
contact another user
go to registration & I think from there you can send someone a message
am at work so difficult for me to chat fully here
will log on & CAT you when I get home

chin up & look after yourself

His coming over is not with the intention of him returning. It's really for him to collect some more stuff, read what I have written and listen to what is thoughts are today. Absolutley nothing more. I couldn't bear the thought of letting him back without him knowing what is is to be without us....amonst other things.
Thanks so much for your postings, it means such an awful lot to know that I'm not alone, which is how I've felt for a long, long time.

Message withdrawn

Sayitagain - what are you plans for today apart from seeing your H? I can understand why you feel embarrassed but you need to break through that feeling and ask for help? If you see your family every week, are you close to them, or one of them in particular? Do you think you could just off load to someone without any judgement?

I found it very hard (both times!) - I was a SAHM at the time so very alone and isolated generally. I'll probably be about this later but I did ring the Samaritans a few times at my lowest points - they were wonderful! I would really recommend them as a shoulder to cry on if you feel like you need to get things off your chest.

It did make me smile when you said you wanted a wise MN'er to give you ten steps back to a happy rship! I kept posting in the hope that somebody would tell me what to do! Hopefully nobody will tell you to ditch him or equally to take him back immediately. A lot of the posters have said take some time and I'd repeat that. See this as an opportunity to think about what you want from the rship.

Try not to torture yourself thinking about what he said and how he feels about this woman. I know it's hard. I can remember that "kick in the stomach" feeling so well. If you get through this it will fade but if you sweep it under the carpet (as I did and do) it will keep coming back to haunt you. You need to make him accountable for what's gone wrong - maybe ask him to put things down on paper as well. That will help him and help you think.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Please do look after yourself today - there's lots of people here who can talk to you if you need it but if you can find a RL friend to hold your hand as well - all the better xx

sayitagain, agree with all those who have advised you to take you time working out what you want to do.

From what you have said it sounds as if there are other issues to resolve apart from this "infidelity", the not sleeping together, him saying he "loves you in a different way" now. There is obviously more to marriage than sex but if it is totally missing (and if this seems likely to be a permanent situation) and there is little physical affection of any kind, it is not often that both parties can be happy with the situation indefinitely (though they may obviously choose to put up with it...)

So if you do decide you want to give your marriage another try I think you need to seriously consider counselling (you can go on your own if your dh won't go with you)

sayitagain - so sorry you are having to go through this. I would definitely give yourself some more time before letting him back in the house. He needs this time as well to think about:

A) what he has done
B) where he goes to from here (emotionally not so much physically)
C) reflect on how things have been with you two

I agree with SSShakeTheChi that he is in fix-it mode which means slap some kind of quick fix on it to make himself feel better without addressing the bigger stuff

I'll be on all day. You are not alone and you have been so courageous in getting him out the house in the first place

How's your day going?

I haven't read this all Saythatagain. But you asked for 10 steps, so I'll try:

1: Give him a chance (in a neutral venue) to explain. Don't make any decisions about what you are going to do during this meeting.

2: Go away and think long and hard about whether or not you accept his version of the truth.

3: Give yourself a few days to come to terms with the betrayal if you do decide that he is telling the truth.

4: use this as an opportunity to evaluate your life together. If necessary, write up a list of pros and cons - this sort of behaviour doesn't just "happen" it's very often symptomatic of an underlying problem.

5: Give yourself another little while to consider your relationship (betrayal aside). You may find that things become very clear at this stage i.e. "I cannot live without him" or "I may actually be happier on my own".

6: Go and get a good haircut

7: Go and buy yourself a new outfit

8: Talk to him again (if you feel it will help).

9: Try to come sort of agreement with yourself about how you want to proceed.

10: Tell him and put whatever you have decided into action.

Although much of this is just common sense, it sometimes helps to see the end goal. Small things like having your hair cut and buying a new outfit help with boosting our exterior confidence, which in turn has a knock on effect on overall self-esteem (which let's face it, in a situation like this must be battered - you poor thing )

Finally don't be surprised that it hurts. Sometimes you have to embrace the hurt and all those negative feelings before you can begin to let them go.

saythatagain, 3years ago my dh had an affair with a work colleague, completely out of the blue- I had no idea until he was forced to tell me (as her dh was coming to do so)

We are still together- we've been through hell getting over this but I can honestly say we are closer and stronger now.

My dh had (cliched though it sounds) a mid life crisis- and "she was there at the right time with the right smile" He wasn't unhappy at home, I wasn't unhappy but he lost the plot completley for a good few months. I could not believe it- like you say- we fitted like gloves i NEVER would have believed he could do this.

I made a decision to stand by him and to work it out- I weighed up the relationship we'd had together for the previous 20 years, the life we'd made against his "year" (it took that time for him to come round) of madness. He snapped out of it eventually, and now cannot believe how much he risked for so little, he constantly now says sorry and eventually the trust slowly, very slowly returns.

I still have days of pain about this but they get less and easier!
Let me guess- your dh , is he approaching 40 and seemingly has all he needs in life!
It is very easy to let life get in the way of each other and suddenly you realise you are almost leading seperate lives and forget to look abnd spend time with each other.

TALK, keep talking- honesty "no more secrets" has to be his mantra and he MUST tell you ALL- only then can you start to make sense of it and start IF YOU WANT to rebuild and find trust again. It can be done- it's not easy you have to change things in your life and use this as a wake up call to the way things are at the moment. If it's worth fighting for (and only you know that) grasp it with both hands and fight for it. He now has to show you just how much he is sorry and put every effort into putting things right.

Good luck -you can survive- I have no regrets at making it work it's your choice now.

Some of this comes from my own experience. It is a personal opinion- please do with it as you will.

Nearly 3 years is a long time for your relationships as adults to have gone on the back burner. Maybe he was feeling unloved, or remote from you? I know you have a very busy life, but it strikes me that all this running around and sleeping apart etc has left very few opportunities for you to actually talk to each other or even share a hug.

I know how easy it can be to erode all your time as a family by filling up weekends etc with other things, but maybe it is time to say no to visits to family etc except for maybe once a month, and to do things together, that you want to do. It sounds to me as though your whole family unit needs some down time.

It may not seem as though you will ever regain what you had before,but actually this could strengthen your relationship, if you allow it to. He was wrong, he nearly made a mistake, he hid things from you, and he has to understand that he can't make it a habit. But, if you can use this as an opportunity for talking, then you have everything to gain from it. Yes, you are pissed off with him, as you have every right to be, but if you love him as deeply as I think you do, and he by your account seems to love you equally, then all is not lost.

The woman in question sounds as she may in the same situation, with the added emotional vulnerability of the infertility to deal with, maybe she has stopped talking to her husband and started talking to yours instead. She is talking to the wrong person, he is talking to the wrong person, but they both happened to be looking for someone to talk to at the same time.

I would be tempted to: Cancel relative visit!!!! Tell family you're having a weekend in for a change. Find a babysitter for your daughter for the (entire!!!) weekend (a good friend might be best) and invite your husband over for tea on Saturday afternoon. You will have some time to yourself for some part of Saturday in which to reflect. When he comes, talk. Tell him you love him, tell him how hurt you feel. Let him talk. Don't let him fob you off with trite excuses and promises- make him talk, ask him questions if needs be to make him open up. Let the talk run itself. Try not to have a blazing row. See where you end up.

How's your day been Sayitagain - you ok?

Hello again....an update: DH came over yesterday morning and we talked and talked and talked.
I can't even remember what I've written in my other posts but we covered all areas of our relationship; past, present and future. We both are aware of what could have been lost between us.
He said he is an insucure man who was flattered by the attention of someone of liked. If I am brutally honest, given the relationship we had, I can understand that and perhaps it could well have been me doing that and not him. (But then again?)
DH knows there is a lot of repairs to be made on his behalf to regain my trust etc. I am also aware that I too have to review my dynamic in our relationship. Taking very small steps at a time will hopefully repair, strengthen rejuvenate something that I dearly want to remain a part of.
Thanks so much for your support, you will never know how much it has meant to me.
I have taken onboard every word that has been written. As it happens, I am having my hair cut tomorrow and am popping into town later on to buy a new outfit.
It is worth mentioning that I still feel that awful, nauseous feeling in my stomach. DH is going to talk to the other person today. That in itself makes me feel nervous, vulnerable and insecure but I acknowledge it is something that has to be done.
I have never hoped for something so much in my life that things work out between us.
Thanks everyone.

You sound very positive. Infidelity or near infidelity doesn't always mean the end.

Often it can be a new beginning with the realisation of mistakes which only become crystal clear in the crisis of finding out that your partner has not been faithful.

Never blame yourself though. Your DH made his own mistakes and no-matter what was happening in your relationship at the time, nobody forced him to be so stupid. I am so pleased that he is making the effort to be honest and to make things better.

That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach is the worst. My worst was when I woke up in the morning and for a second forgot that he'd been unfaithful. Then once my head cleared (a few seconds later) the awful feeling descended. It does go away with time.

Good luck. Keep us posted how you get on.

I have just received a text from DH advising me that the person is not in the office. I replied by saying that you would have sent her a text asking how she was had I not found out about the affair, are you not able to sned her a text? His reply is this:

Oh of course I will text her. Believe me that putting an end to what has
gone on in the last few weeks will be easy as it was (and I know you've got
to trust what I'm saying here is correct) inconsequential and was never
going anywhere. If you were asking me to put an end to a 3 year friendship
and not talk to this person again then that would be more difficult. And
yes it is easy to separate the two as it's a relief to simplify things
again.

What do you think? Due to the fact that they work together in the same office etc it would be almost impractical to think they would never talk to one another. I don't want to appear to be juvenile and unreasonable either. I suppose I have no choice in the matter other than to trust him in what he has written here and talked about in the last 48 hours.

Dejags - what you say about that feeling first thing in the morning is spot on! I await your response on my previous post.

If you work things out between you, maybe one of the things that needs to be looked at is how feasible it is for your dh to think about changing jobs - make a clean break, etc....

kT - God, I wish it was that simple. We are both gulity of being 'sticks in the mud'. DH has been in the same job for 16 years. I am not making excuses for him (but maybe I am being a pushover and not expecting enough from him?). It would be very hard for him to find something else. I do understand that I maybe should be expecting him to move heaven and earth for me.....I don't know

Hi STA - just caught up on your thread. I think you're being very brave tackling the problem head on and getting your DH to deal with these issues.

With regard to your feelings about them working together, like KTeePee my first thought would be for him to make a clean break and get a new job. It doesn't sound practical from what you've said so it looks like they will still work together for the forseeable future.

You really need to find a way to be able to cope with this. My own personal experience is that I spend all my time worrying about what he's doing when he's not with me. It's awful and I hate myself for doing it. I was so secure and happy before and now I feel like some kind of psycho!!

How do you feel about speaking to her directly? Do you think that might put your mind at rest?