I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

[saythatagain]

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

Cash - yes, it's terrible to go from being care-free, happy, secure etc and then feel utterly rotten and worried (it doesn't help that, by nature, I am a natural worrier). I really don't think DH has any idea of the enormity/effect it has had on me. Rationally, why would he, why would anyone feel that when they are on the other end?
I desperatley want to feel strong and move forward, it's just soooooo hard and wearing.

I'm sorry but I felt I had to post, I've been following this thread but had nothing more to add. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm afraid a similar thing happened in my relationship a few years ago - but I was the guilty party and kissed a friend. We resolved things after a lot of work - and I came clean rather than being caught out - there was a lot wrong at the time and now we're very strong. However, I would NEVER have put the pressure on my husband of remaining friends with the man in question. I would have felt it showed my husband no respect, and would have hurt him every time I saw the 'other man'.
I was sorry to lose a friend from a stupid mistake, but it was the penalty I had to pay. When I read what he had texted you I had to write!
You can work next to someone and be civil but not friendly. It's not easy but why should he have this easy? The effort required would have to come from him - and it seems as though he's comfortable that he won't need to put in any effort.
I'm really sorry for the rant but think about how you will feel knowing he is friends with her again. He has no right to ask for anything with her. I'm sorry, do feel free to completely ignore this. But I can see it all from his POV and he's not giving you anything - he was friends with her before, he'll be friends after, what has really changed?

Gosh it's so soon for you to talk about being strong and moving forward. I was a gibbering wreck for days when I found out! Still am reduced to that sometimes even now!!

Anyway, moving forward is something you have to do together. When you have a wobble, he should try his best to reassure you. So, for instance, if I have a mad panic because I can't get hold of DH for a couple of hours, I explain why I feel that way and he explains what he's been up to.

Sounds convoluted and tbh he gets annoyed sometimes but my thinking is, he's turned me into a nutter so he'll have to undo the damage

Have you given any thought to tackling her yourself? It might take the sting out of her being the "other woman" and so allow you to have some sort of closure (sorry for psychobabble!)?

That is how I feel Rhian; I suppose I console myself with the fact that she is going to work abroad soon for two months and then be looking for a job. He has emailed me to tell me he has text her and she repleid saying how sorry she is and how it's something that got out of hand. My reply to dh was that it was bewteen him and her and I was not part of that dynamic. Only time will tell as to how we move forward between the two of us. I do feel that dh has sort of got away scot-free but I am unsure of how to make him understand any more than I already have. It is a sticking and I would appreciate your advise about this.

i'm so sorry for you saythatagain

i'm going through a pretty similar thing, and i am pg.

the lack of trust is just heartbreaking

i'm sorry, but i don't know what to say

sending you {{{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}}}
and hope i that you can work it out

Cash - dh works in Leeds and we live about 50 miles away from there so confronting 'her' would, although not entirely impossible is not as straight forward as it could be. Plus, I just don't think I have the strength of character to. I suppose I could email her - your thoughts?

saythatagain, I haven't read all the replies but I just wanted to say this.

This happened to me 3 months before I married my husband. We got over it and had a happy marriage for some years. Then he cheated on me and I still managed to take him back and focus on our relationship. I jsut thought he was a weak man but I loved him SO much.

If you want the relationship to work, believe me you can do it. It will be hard and you will shed tears but you can do it.

Take some time to think things through, tell him exactly how you feel. Write it down, I wrote a really long diary daily, it helped me immensely to see how I was growing in strength.

Best of luck, whatever happens.

XX

Why-o-why are people like this to other human beings? How on earth can you portray to the other party how absolutley devastating something like this is?

Be brutally honest. Tell him exactly how hurt you are feeling and if you can't say it, write it down. I know you already wrote down some things but did you really get across the pain that you are feeling?
Have you asked him to put himself in your place? If you were to start something with a friend of yours, keep it secret, get caught out - even tell the other person you love them - and then say you will stop the affair but keep seeing the man as a friend every say?!
He is being ridiculous. I think that he is comfortably not seeing it as an affair because he did not sleep with her, whereas what he actually did - saying he loved her, kissing her on more than one occasion, and the feelings he was professing - is actually so much worse than, say, a completely meaningless one night stand. I think you need to make that clear.
Yes, he was flattered, yes your relationship was not as it should be - mostly, it seems, because he put absolutely no effort into it - but that is not an excuse. It's not about punishment it's about repentance and putting your feelings above those of his work colleague and himself.
and as for not being strong! You have thrown him out, kept control of yourself, looked after the needs of your family and you are still being a fair and rational woman despite all he has done to you! You are certainly an example to others in your situation and I have the utmost respect and admiration for you! I don't think I can stress that enough!

MCS - Thanks, I did write everything down on the night I told him to leave and yes, it has helped.
When we met to talk he was very, very remorseful and shocked at what he could loose. He said it was an immense wakeup call.
If I could review our realtionship of the past 3 years (mentioned in an earlier post), I suppose it ins't that much of a shock. BTW, I am in no way trying to minimise this and the effect it has had on me. But I have to acknolwedge that what we had was not ideal.

Thats a very kind thing to say Rhian, but I think the reality is that I am putting up (I think) with it in order to at least try and save our marriage. It is becoming abundantly clear to me that I am being very gentle and have excused a lot but I just don't (and have never really had) have it in me to be any other way. I would love to punish him and make him feel an ounce of what I am feeling but that would be petty a not progressive....I guess I'm just a passive (read weak) person.

Maybe through this devastation, a stronger relationship will come in which you will both be happier.

I am in no way condoning what he did but it can't be changed now, you can only move forward.

I wish I could show you how things get better and that you can really be happy again. I promise it can happen.

I'm glad he's remorseful. The thing with (some men) is that when they feel things aren't working in their relationship, they drift off where they think the grass is greener. Then all hell breaks loose and they realise what they really want is the woman they've married but things aren't the same as the early days (how can they be?).

It makes me SO angry that this is how men react when all this heartache could have been avoided.

You stay strong saythatagain, say it, breathe it, feel it. Strong. Woman.

Much love XX

Do you think it is acceptable re the person at work/friendship-thing. Ok, I know it's not ideal and perhaps someone else may not tolerate it. I just don't how else or what else I can do about it. The bottom line is, I don't want to be made a fool of again and go thru' this awfulness (sp?). When I think about it, I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do next and then after that bit do this and then this and so on...does that make any sence at all!

No you are a kind person who puts others before herself. He has made a mistake that is surmountable, you can get through this, but only if he truly is remorsful. I think he needs to end the friendship and you both need time - apart and together - within your marriage.
Why not write a list of things you want to change. Then work out things that it is feasible to change both for you and for him. You have the control here. Don't ever make a decision while he's there. Listen to what he has to say and anything he proposes or explains. Then think about it all when he is gone and decide what you want. It's so easy to be talked around by someone you love whilst they are in fron tof you.

I don't quite understand why they need to be friends just because they work together. Sorry

You're not passive just because you're not punishing him. You're sensible plus it sounds like you're punishing yourself enough for both of you - don't you dare take any responsibility for what he did! Yes, your rship wasn't what it should have been. Maybe he was flattered by the attention. Maybe it was only a kiss blah blah - poor him

FGS he's a grown man. If he was unhappy, he should have said so and tackled it with you. i doubt from what you said, you would ever have sought comfort in another man's arms despite the fact that the rship was just as crap for you.

I think MCS's mantra is a good one - you are an extremely strong and capable woman who is going to get what she wants out of life. If you were my RL friend, I would be proud of you. Hell, I'm proud of you now and I don't even know you

Re: the email. I think it's a good idea to write down what you would say even if you don't send it. I don't agree that you weren't part of the dynamic of that rship -the fact that you and her DH were absent doesn't mean you weren't and aren't relevant. I think she has a responsibility to you as she knew you were married and you have a right to answers to your questions. You don't sound like you'd do a "Jerry Springer" style confrontation anyway! Just a nudging of her conscious should be enough to ensure that she looks before she leaps next time....

Difficult one re: them being friends. You can't actually control what he's doing when he's not with you but you can tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't think it's acceptable for them to carry on a friendship (given their current misinterpretation of what friendship actually means).

Personally, I would hit the roof if DH tried to stay friends with the other woman.

Rhian - how can I expect him to end the friendship as they sit in the same area within the open plan office area, working in the same dept.? I'm not trying to be difficult, I just don't know how to go about it any other way.

It would require a concerted effort on his part. They could be civil and discuss work matters without being friendly. I take it she hasn't told her husband? It is workable, he just doesn't want to have to do it. He seems incredibly blinkered to the pain that their future friendship could cause you.
In fact it is not your responsibility to work out the 'how' of them not being friends, I am amazed he would even think that continuing the friendship is an option. Either they are civil but no more, one of them transfers to another office (depends on where they work) or one of them leaves. To be really horrible I doubt her husband would want her working with your husband - not saying you should tell him as this is between them. I don't understand why when your husband is supposed to be doing everyhting he can to win you back he is putting you in this position without a second thought. Sorry, don't feel you have to listen to me at all, I know I'm ranting, I just want you to consider how you will feel knowing he is spending every day with her. Sorry

I am (obviously) going to speak to dh again tonight and ask him about the friendship-thing. I will also plainly tell him how easily he seems to have glossed over it, as in his eyes it wasn't anything really anyway....how wrong can a person be?

Rhian - you are spot on with that. I think he thinks that as she is going away to work abroad and then looking to leave anyway then thats enough; that the firendship will fizzle out naturally so to speak. I will tackel him about it though, otherwise it's going to tip me over the edge that I'm standing very close to at the moment.

Just a quick point on him trivialising the whole thing. DH does this all the time - every time he fobs me off with an "well, it didn't mean anything anyway", I reply with something like "glad it means nothing to break my heart" or something equally emotive!

Also play the "how would you feel?" card quite a lot as well!

Sorry if I'm babbling - feel free to ignore any/all or what I'm saying. it's just that whenever you post, it rings so many bells for me ...

I think you're right. It would just be too hard. I really mean it when I say that you are being amazingly strong - and I know you don't feel it, but you are! Don't let him push it all under the rug when it hurts you so much. Every time he says anything that belittles the pain he has caused you pull him up on it. He has no right to say that "x was only x", as it is not him that was affected, it was you! Only you get to state the level of pain, the size of the atrocity etc. because it's your pain as a consequence of his actions. I really do hope you can sort it all out, but you will need to face everyhting head on. Lines of communication must be opened - as painful as he may find it - if you want this to work. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Cashncarry is absolutely right - sorry you've been through this too - make him see how it hurts.

I think you would be perfectly in your rights to ask your dh to end the friendship - if he didn't want to lose a 3 year friendship he should never have taken it further.

Even if he had been a single man it was not a particularly wise thing to do - I am a firm believer in keeping working relationships purely that - it is always messy if things don't work out and not many friendships can survive the aftermath.... one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been was to never go out with a man if I wanted him to always be my friend.

That is why I still have some very good male friends of 20years + standing! But even though I knew these people long before I met my dh I know he has some insecurities about these friendships so I have let some of them "go" a bit out of respect for his feelings.... if your dh truly is remorseful and wants to put things right he should avoid this woman as much as possible until she changes jobs.