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Original poster

I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

213 replies

saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:25

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Mellowma · 16/02/2007 16:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
saythatagain · 16/02/2007 16:35

True Cash - if it is mentioned I will mention that. I am actaully going out with the girls from work tonight, something I was going to cancel but then thought why the bloody hell not?
Snowleopard - I don't to sound as if I'm a saint but it's just something I could do, or maybe it's because I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. On a more positive note, it would appear that I've lost some weight because of all of this and can now fit into some clothes that haven't seen the light of day for a very long time!

OP posts:
Original poster
saythatagain · 16/02/2007 16:38

Actually, when I think about it, I could rip her bloody arms and legs off for what she has done...the sainthood has gone! Breathe SAT, breathe...

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 16/02/2007 16:38

I only think of clever things after the event! Have a good time on your girlie night out won't you? Make sure you get well and truly loaded so that you don't get maudlin!

On the Other Woman note, I could never be horrible to her either. Not because I'm nice but because I'm not married to her so why should I expect her to care how I feel?? (Plus in my scenario, she didn't even know DH was married - even more reason to be with him..)

Cashncarry · 16/02/2007 16:39

lol (must admit to murderous thoughts myself despite the saintly tendencies )

Mellowma · 16/02/2007 16:41

Message withdrawn

Original poster
saythatagain · 16/02/2007 16:42

I'm driving so there's not much chance of getting drunk....you know the usual thing - thirty quid for the taxi fair before the evening starts, but at least I'm going out and am will try and look the best I can - for me (and I do mean that).

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 16/02/2007 16:43

oh mellow - sorry 'tis the opposite for me, if I get drunk, sadness does a temporary bunk - insanity does sometimes set in....

Cashncarry · 16/02/2007 16:43

oh mellow - sorry 'tis the opposite for me, if I get drunk, sadness does a temporary bunk - insanity does sometimes set in....

Cashncarry · 16/02/2007 16:43

oh mellow - sorry 'tis the opposite for me, if I get drunk, sadness does a temporary bunk - insanity does sometimes set in....

Cashncarry · 16/02/2007 16:44

oh shyte almighty - what a twat

am obviously a little tipsy now

Mellowma · 16/02/2007 16:45

Message withdrawn

snowleopard · 16/02/2007 16:49

I have never been horrible to my "other woman" - apart from being very frosty with her, but then that's mutual - but I have slagged her off to the high heavens, and it felt gooooood.

Let yourself be angry, STA - it will help.

Original poster
saythatagain · 16/02/2007 17:18

Because of the (alleged)nothingness of it all, it seems hard to get really pi**ed off with her. Maybe that will come later.
DH likened it to an embarrassing (twice though) snog at a xmas party...done but best forgotten. I wish it were that easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
saythatagain · 16/02/2007 17:19

Do you think it strange that I still (sneekily) want to check dh's mobile?

OP posts:
Bucketsofdynomite · 16/02/2007 17:41

No, he no longer has any right to privacy!
Is there a certain DH's Christmas works do you can go to this year looking a million dollars and being an utterly civilised ice queen?

Mellowma · 16/02/2007 17:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster
saythatagain · 16/02/2007 17:46

No such luck Bucket; this is the irony of it all, DH seldom goes to anything work/social related. He really does dislike most (obviously not all) of his colleagues, so socialising is a real no-no.
I am currently experiencing a real physical low point and thats when I start shaking. This is where the question of making the right decision looms in front of me.

OP posts:
orangeblosson59 · 16/02/2007 18:14

hi sta the pain you feel just now is very raw but it will lessen over time .live for today and make him realize there is no quick fix he has HIS work cut out to put things right .Please remember no one has the perfect relationship it does not exist!!!Do what will feel good for you and dd it gets easier to deal with .It could have been a lot worse but if it had been me the only thing that might numb the pain would be to inflict some pain on dp,his bits and his wallet!!

Rhian101 · 17/02/2007 12:45

Hi STA! Hope things are going ok. Sorry, have been away so have only just read your question. I meant what has he actually changed - i.e. are you still giving him a day at the weekend? Have you taken more time for yourself (leaving him looking after his dc!)? Has he actually been making more of an effort around the house? Arranged nice things for you to do? Something like that? I don't expect him to have done it all, but actions really do speak louder than words sometimes.
I really hope that you can get through this. Don't worry about feeling all up in the air, and I would be really surprised if you didn't still feel very upset. This doesn't mean that you have made the wrong decision, it just means that he has a lot to do to convince you that he is trustworthy and this relationship can work.
Is there any affection between you now he is back - you said earlier that this was something that was missing. I know you may feel that it is too soon to have any contact, but has he tried to innitiate things at all? Even just hugs?
I do think that relate would be a really good idea, just to get everything out in the open and start things off on the right foot. Particularly if you find it difficult to get across how you want things to be - they are so lovely and helpful.
Hope you're ok today and had a great night out. Oops, that's a very long post! Sorry!

Original poster
saythatagain · 18/02/2007 18:07

We had (another)a big, big talk last night. I basically stripped our relationship down and asked all those questions I had probably wanted to ask for a very long time.
I wanted to know exactly what he wanted and if I didn't like the sound of it then I at least knew the truth. He left me in no uncertain terms that it was me/us he wanted to be with. He knew he was a strange person, not the 'normal' stereotype of a male etc; I accepted him for that and nobody had ever done that before, I am everything he wants etc. This really helped both of us because I pushed and pushed until I got to know everything I wanted to know. Both felt (again) quite drained but went to bed at least without the knot in my stomach. Today has been a fairly good day in terms of how I feel. I know that there is masses of trust to gain back and when he is not around me I can't help feeling if he is sneekily doing something. Whenever I get the chance I'm checking things iykwim!
Time will tell. I do know that this is the first evening when I don't have an agenda I have to get off my chest, so that will make a pleasant change. I will keep on updating (if anyone is still interested) on this thread because I've found it really helpful writing how I really feel down and of course, all the posts of encouragement. Thanks God for Mumsnet!

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 18/02/2007 22:21

Well done STA! Sounds as if you've taken big strides in getting your point across and getting him to say what he wants and how he feels. I'm really pleased for you

Rhian101 · 19/02/2007 14:45

Congratulations STA! What a great result. And you said you weren't strong enough to face things head on! I think you've probably surprised even yourself.

I am so pleased that the lines of communication are open. I really hope that everything works out for you. (Oh and please do let us know how it goes - we're all rooting for you! )

Original poster
saythatagain · 19/02/2007 15:03

I did have a slight set back this morning; resulting in me saying it was over but things were smoothed over. DH understands that I am the injured party but was quite upset that I was, due to the misunderstanding, so quick to throw it all in, especially after this weekend's big talks. I suppose this is how it will be for a while and hope we are BOTH able to get though to the other side. I don't believe I could be any more tired with it all!

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 19/02/2007 15:07

Remember to take some time for yourself. You're bound to be still in shock, last week everything was ticking along and then a train hit you out of the blue!

Don't be surprised if you have set backs. They are to be expected, just don't let things go back to how they were. x