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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I completely stupid to even consider reconciling with husband who raped me?

189 replies

snowflake02 · 06/11/2015 19:35

Just that really. I have posted here so many times and found the support unbelievably helpful. But here I am again. Is it now too late for him to apologise and accept what he did? (Original thread here)
Am I crazy for even wondering if we could put things back together? Are some things just unforgiveable? Or am I overreacting? I know I have asked before but I am still struggling to accept that it was the R word.

OP posts:
ifonlyyou · 06/11/2015 19:37

Erm.

Yes. Very stupid!

WhatAboutMyAssBryan · 06/11/2015 19:38

Erm
Yes.

Branleuse · 06/11/2015 19:38

what if he did it again?

Its for you to decide, not anyone on mumsnet. I doubt youll have many people telling you its a good idea

Letmegetanamechange · 06/11/2015 19:38

Yes, you're worth far much more than that!

Please don't go back to him.

FluffyPersian · 06/11/2015 19:39

No, you're not overreacting - If someone doesn't respect you or take 'no' for an answer, I'd never be able to trust them again... Not directly after, not after 6 months, 6 years or 60 years. No matter how much I wanted to believe them... There would always be that 0.01% doubt... 'What if they did it again?'

It's the same with cheating I think... I'd never be able to 100% believe that they wouldn't hurt me again and that would be the end of the relationship.

People don't hurt people they love.

PotteringAlong · 06/11/2015 19:40

He did rape you. For me, that would be a completely unforgivable line crossed. What would you tell your daughter?

MaisieDotes · 06/11/2015 19:40

Not completely stupid, but you're obviously not thinking straight.

Yes, some things are just unforgivable.

Move on from this and give yourself a chance.

ouryve · 06/11/2015 19:40

Yes.

He'll do it again, or find another way to abuse and degrade you.

Why the hell would you want to be with him? Not some romanticised fantasy of how you want him to be, but him as the abusive rapist bastard that you know him to be.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 06/11/2015 19:41

He still thinks it was just a misunderstanding

OP posts:
DraenorQueen · 06/11/2015 19:41

Hi!
Can I ask why reconciling seems like a good option to you right now? I was raped by a partner years ago - I didn't report - and now I only look back at him with disgust and distaste. I would NEVER consider going back to him.

babymouse · 06/11/2015 19:42

People do.

It's up to you to decide what is unforgivable - that said - how would you feel if it happened again? And has he apologized and made amends for what he has done? I think the answers to those questions might help you make up your mind going forward.

DraenorQueen · 06/11/2015 19:42

"He still thinks it was just a misunderstanding"
So he hasn't apologised and still doesn't believe he raped you? Angry

CainInThePunting · 06/11/2015 19:42

Good grief yes. Utterly stupid.

Do you really have so little self respect?

Why would you allow someone a second try at treating you so badly?

KittyandTeal · 06/11/2015 19:43

You are obviously very vulnerable and not in a good place right now so I'm the gentlest possibly way yabu. You will get over this (I know from personal experience) and you will go on to have a for filling life but not if you get back with this man.

Flowers
Chillercabinet · 06/11/2015 19:46

Sorry this happened to you. How could you ever trust him?

Original poster
snowflake02 · 06/11/2015 19:46

I think mainly it is driven by guilt that I have blown my childrens world apart by asking him to leave. My oldest keeps reminding me of that. But also I am finding it hard to accept that in that one moment I lost everything. My family unit, my husband, the future we had planned, my security...

I know a lot more happened than just the one incident but that is the one thing I struggle to forgive the most

OP posts:
Offred · 06/11/2015 19:47

Yes it would be mad in any situation even if he had really changed and was really sorry but in this case it is particularly frightening because of this 'He still thinks it was just a misunderstanding'.

If he thinks it was a misunderstanding he will have no issue with you reporting it to the police and letting a court decide will he?

troubleatmillcock · 06/11/2015 19:47

Yes.

Do not go back to a rapist.

Chillercabinet · 06/11/2015 19:47

I would say you need to be able to call it what it was (rape), openly and without doubt or shame. Only then can you consider how you feel about him.

Chillercabinet · 06/11/2015 19:48

None of this is your fault

Joysmum · 06/11/2015 19:49

I remember your original thread.

I've a bit of counselling since I posted back then.

There's a number of emotions I've been trying to working through since then, things that others who have been through it may not understand, things that others who have may not have or understand.

One of the things I struggle with us that in fully accepting my tape, it means I'm a poor judge of character who can't keep myself safe. By making excuses and justifying his behaviour it means I can trust myself more.

I also am not comfortable with being a victim. I'm a strong fairly intelligent woman. If he didn't rape me then I'm not a victim. I don't want to be a victim.

As I said, it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but when the person you love and trust most in the world can do this to you then it fucks with your head.

I'd never call you stupid for having a maelstrom of emotions and being utterly confused.

I don't think you could ever feel safe again being with a rapist and whatever other conflicting emotions you have, that'll always be there hanging over you Flowers

notapizzaeater · 06/11/2015 19:49

Everything aside the fact he isn't sorry and thinks it was a misunderstanding would scream run

FluffyPersian · 06/11/2015 19:50

It wasn't you who blew your childrens world apart. It was him... by raping their Mother.

Your oldest may not understand the emotions / logic behind that - You might have broken up with him, but it was due to his actions.

You lost someone who didn't respect 'no'. Your family unit was sadly a myth - Your Husband did something against your will.

I appreciate your future will be different to the one you planned - However it could be BETTER.... You won't continually be worried that he won't take 'no' for an answer, you won't be on tenterhooks, you won't necessarily have flashbacks if he does something that reminds you of what he did before...

You don't need to forgive yourself - I'd focus on building your self esteem and enjoying spending time with your children.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/11/2015 19:50

Wouldn't you have more guilt about allowing a rapist back into your children's home?

And remember, you did not blow their world apart - he did that, by raping you. And he is still doing it, by denying and minimising what he did.

If he thinks 'it was all a misunderstanding' - and you let him back - how do you know there won't be other misunderstandings?

Offred · 06/11/2015 19:51

Do you want to go back to a man who believes raping you isn't wrong?

Do you think this would be good for your DC?

DC who have lived with an abuser have internally normalised abuse. They do blame you for leaving because they don't feel abuse is wrong. You will be doing them a favour by leaving and not going back even if they don't see it that way.

You can't accept the truth of what he has done either because he has also manipulated you to accept abuse.

Have you spoken with rape crisis and women's aid?