Am I completely stupid to even consider reconciling with husband who raped me?

[snowflake02]

Just that really. I have posted here so many times and found the support unbelievably helpful. But here I am again. Is it now too late for him to apologise and accept what he did? (Original thread here)
Am I crazy for even wondering if we could put things back together? Are some things just unforgiveable? Or am I overreacting? I know I have asked before but I am still struggling to accept that it was the R word.

He is now open to discussing it with a therapist again. We did this previously (a lot) and he always stuck with the 'misunderstanding' line. He thinks we need to go into all the details in order to ascertain whether or not it was the R word. I think the only detail that matters is the bit where I say no...

You honestly, totally shouldn't feel any guilt that things have changed for your DC because you didn't do the damage to make that happen, he did. You have responded in the only way that you possibly could, by getting away from him. It's maybe a lazy way of looking at it, but if your dc were being raped by their partner and asked you for advice, would you ever, in a million years advise them to stay or go back? You are obviously a thoughtful, loving parent and you're worth a million times more than a life with someone who would treat you that badly. Please be brave, strong and persevere to realise the potential that you have for a long and happy life xxxxxx

Do not ever do couples counselling with your rapist.

It will be an exercise in him getting other people to convince you you are wrong and he is right.

Couples counselling is about compromise. It is not suitable very fucking inappropriate where there has been abuse.

If you do counselling it should be rape counselling on your own.

The fact that he's not in prison right now shows that you are not overreacting, quite the reverse.

He thinks it was a 'misunderstanding'. What will happen when he 'misunderstands' again? How many times do you think you can manage to rationalise rape in your head? It will destroy your self-esteem. This man is not your 'security'.

So he wants to discuss it with the therapist in order to decide if it was rape? Is he hoping that the therapist will tell him it wasn't?

I agree that the only relevant detail is that you said no, and he did not stop. That is rape, and that is what you need to tell him.

You are right - the ONLY bit that matters is that you said no. What happened after is a perfect demonstration that WHAT YOU WANT DOES NOT MATTER TO THIS MAN. If he wants a fuck and you don't, he'll take one anyway. Honestly, he's awful. Why go to therapy again to hear him muddy the waters about "misleading signals"you gave off (which will undoubtedly be his line" what all that matters is you said NO?

Don't go to a therapist with him. Don't let him into your home. Limit communication to what is necessary for children. Ffs he raped you and is trying to call it a misunderstanding? I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my children if I were you.

Not stupid. Just vulnerable, frightened and damaged.

But the fact remains that he is a rapist. People go to prison for what he did. Do NOT do it.

He is required by law to ascertain that you consent. If you had not said no, didn't want it and he had come at you when you were half asleep and had to push your legs apart it would still be rape.

I've just read the op in your previous thread and I feel sick. That was no misunderstanding. I am so sorry that he did that to you. Please do not give him the opportunity to do so again.

I asked my partner of ten years to move out last week. Asking my DD's father to leave is the hardest thing I have ever done. I hoped I would feel liberated but I just feel sad and alone. He's shown very little consideration towards me for several years, and yet I miss him terribly. He's not been the best boyfriend but he's never hurt me physically.

I totally get that you want your family unit back together. It's like cutting your arm off, it hurts no matter what he did to deserve being kicked out. However, you will be doing yourself a massive disservice if you take him back now. The only way you should even consider it, is after many months of couples counselling AND many months of him having his own counselling. He needs to prove to you he's capable of significant change and of fully understanding what he did wrong. If he's not interested in working his ass off to get his family back, you NEED to maintain your position and not let him back into your life.

Crap advice in this situation ginger - fine if there has been no abuse but couples counselling is not appropriate where there has been abuse and I believe once there has been abuse you should never go back even if there has been change.

Sexual abusers are the most dangerous too. That's what I was told at women's aid. They are more likely to kill you eventually.

I'm very interested in how you saying "no", and him hearing you say "no", and him carrying on anyway is a misunderstanding? Genuinely curious about what he has to say on this issue.

For god's sake, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.

You haven't done anything wrong. If you agree to have counselling again you need to see someone on your own.

If anyone blew this family apart it was him - not you!

I just read your original post. You are better off without him. Full stop.

You have children. I don't know if you have boys, girls or a mix - but do you want your son growing up thinking it is OK to have sex with a woman who has said no, and call it a misunderstanding? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking a man can do this to her, call it a misunderstanding and expect forgiveness?

And how hard is it to understand the word 'No'? When you tell a toddler 'No' (as they reach for something they shouldn't touch, or do something they shouldn't), do you expect them to stop? Yes, you do - because even a toddler knows what 'no' means.

If you stand by your decision to throw him out, it will be painful for a while, but it will be the right thing to do, I am sure.

And if you need more to convince you, imagine it is your dd in your position (or your sister/best friend, if you don't have a dd) - would you tell her to go back to her rapist/let him back into her life?

You are worth so much more than this. You deserve to be loved by a man who knows what that word means - and who knows what 'no' means too.

I am raising my sons to respect women - they all know no means no.

What if he now accepts what he did and is prepared to name it? Is it now too late? I feel that it probably is as he should have got there on his own and a whole lot quicker. And there is nothing to stop him changing his mind again. (He has apologised in the past only to take it back and revert to the 'misunderstanding' line).

I'd be pretty convinced that he knows exactly what he has done and is putting huge amounts of effort into convincing you that you have got it wrong because he knows that if you really accepted what he has done he could end up serving a fairly lengthy prison sentence.

You are torn between the man you thought he was, and the man who he has proved himself to be: a rapist. It's difficult - unbelievably difficult to equate the two. I know - I've been there with a previous boyfriend. I never called it rape until years after we broke up - but it was rape. I ended things with him because he started to make me sick, I couldn't stand it anymore - even now the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

If you went back to him, you would be agreeing with him that he wasn't unreasonable, that it was a 'misunderstanding' - and you don't want him to think that.

You're right Offred I jumped the gun. She can't go back to him. Ever. Be nice in future if you didn't call people's advice "crap" though, not nice.

Never go back to someone who ever thought it was ok to rape you.

Whatever he comes to think about it (or say) after he has done it at any time - an hour, a year, 40 years, at that time he decided it was something he should do - that's the important thing. He did it, he believed he could do it, it can't now be taken back.

He has apologised in the past only to take it back and revert to the 'misunderstanding' line).

You just answered your own question.

Don't take what feels like the easy way out and compromise your safety, morals, bodily autonomy for the sake of it.

Snowflake it is too late. The second he ignored you saying 'no', pushed your legs open and forced himself on you, it became too late. Do not give this man another chance. Please be strong. I agree with everything OfFred has said.

It's pretty damn important that people don't advise people to go to couples counselling with their rapists though. Your advice was worse than crap, it was positively dangerous. The op said in the thread title she had been raped, reading the other thread should have made no difference. I was being quite generous calling it crap advice tbh.