Am I completely stupid to even consider reconciling with husband who raped me?

[snowflake02]

Just that really. I have posted here so many times and found the support unbelievably helpful. But here I am again. Is it now too late for him to apologise and accept what he did? (Original thread here)
Am I crazy for even wondering if we could put things back together? Are some things just unforgiveable? Or am I overreacting? I know I have asked before but I am still struggling to accept that it was the R word.

[eddielizzard]

taking him back isn't going to fix any of this. even if he agrees that he did it, he still DID it. he is untrustworthy and not fit to be your partner.

don't feel guilty. it wasn't you who chose that path.

[CuntryLiving]

Yes, completely mad. You won't go back to being a perfect family like your children want just by letting him back - he is what he is. He is the problem, and he won't change. You'll feel even worse when he does it again (or even worse) and you throw him out again, because that is what'll happen. There is no 'happy ever after' opportunity with this man.

[snowflake02]

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett very good point, thank you.

No I suppose it isn't surprising that his family agreed with him. But he also told me that his counsellor agreed with him too. But again I wasn't actually there...

[Offred]

Or worse, you won't throw him out because he will have convinced you that what he does is fine and you are unreasonable to object. You will consign your life to the dustbin and wreck your DC childhood and their relationships with both of you.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

No I suppose it isn't surprising that his family agreed with him. But he also told me that his counsellor agreed with him too. But again I wasn't actually there...

Again, you have no idea what he said / didn't say. Plus, you believe him????

You said no. Several times. That is not a misunderstanding.

[Offred]

Again, his counsellor agreed with him because many counsellors do agree with abusers and get involved with supporting them to further abuse. Plus you don't know that he even told the counsellor or what he told them if he did. Plus he is not likely to tell a counsellor that he isn't sure will agree with him is he?

Ask yourself why he is so keen on telling you everyone agrees with him and not you? Only guilty abusive people do this...

[snowflake02]

Arfarfanarf if I am honest with myself, then no, I don't want him anywhere near me when it comes to any sort of physical relationship.

[Offred]

If he wasn't sure the counsellor would agree he'd be scared that he'd get reported to the police so he is either drawing the counsellor in with his abusive personality or he never told them at all.

A counsellor does not have to have any legal qualifications and cannot pronounce something as rape/not rape.

A good counsellor would not do that. A good person would understand that what he did was very wrong whether or not they knew enough to know whether it was rape or not. Any person should understand that you can't make an accurate judgement from one side of the story.

[Offred]

Or more precisely from someone who has a reason to lie, as in this case.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

I'm not sure I even believe he told the counsellor (or his family, tbh).

[Offred]

No, I'm not either.

Why is he so keen to tell you everyone thinks you are wrong and agrees with him?

[TheoriginalLEM]

Your last post says it all - you don't want anything to do with him physically.

I feel sad for you because he has really fucked with your head. I do not for one minute think you are stupid. I really don't but you should know that you are worth so much more.

[UptownFunk00]

Even if you were to give him another chance, could you really have sex with him again and feel comfortable?

There is your answer.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Exactly. And I was accused of rape I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable telling everyone the exact details of what happened. Maybe it's different for men but it seems like a level of detail that's ... weird to want to want to share.

But even if he did tell all these people, I am CERTAIN he left out that the OP said "no" several times. He probably tried the "she didn't say anything so I thought it was ok, how was I to know?" line.

[snowflake02]

I guess that is my answer. It is hard because it makes me face the reality of everything.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Your DCs will be upset, but exposing them on a daily basis to an abusive monster they think they love (because they don't know who he really is) is not the answer.

[Offred]

Yes and that's very painful.

You need and deserve some support.

This is not your fault, you are not to blame in any way for this. Things can be ok again and this is the scariest time, for me scarier than the actual rape, facing reality. It is so important to have someone trustworthy to be there for you through this bit.

I felt terrified of the whole world and completely out of control. All the feelings I had suppressed at the time and since came back but stats show (not just me waffling) that the earlier you face it and the more support you get the easier the recovery.

[Offred]

You can also speak to victim support who won't make you report to the police and are independent of them. They can advise about what it would be like to report as well as offer counselling and support. You would need to be able to say the word to them because they support all victims of crime.

You will not need to say the word to rape crisis as they are specialist. They can usually offer counselling too through their local organisations.

It may be too scary to think of taking that step just now but the support is there if you can reach out. It may take several attempts to be brave enough to actually phone and speak. All that is normal so don't feel like a failure if that happens.

[UptownFunk00]

Like a PP has said you don't want to normalise abuse for your children.

You don't want them to grow up and think, 'this behaviour is OK because Dad did this to Mum and Mum stayed around so it can't be that bad/it's expected of the man or woman to fit this role' because you can't unthank those ideals once they are placed in your head.

[Timeforanamechangey]

I am caught between the man I thought he was and the man he turned out to be -

I had the same problem with my ExH. He didn't rape me but became a drug addict and physically abusive amongst other things. I reached a point where I realised I was grieving for the person I had lost, the person I had married, but that person was long gone and crying about it and wishing it was different would not make him come back. I mean that in the nicest possible way!

I just need to feel I am 100% justified in my decision -

You are. I don't know how old your children are but I'm guessing they are still young? They won't understand yet but they will one day and in the mean time you don't need to go through any more of this pain. My eldest ds used to cry and tell me I had ruined our family when I broke up with his dad, used to tell me it was my fault. But he was only 6 and saw his dad through rose tinted glasses. I know it breaks their hearts for you to leave him but they will understand one day. You do not have to put up with his bad behaviour until that day, only know that you made the best decision you could for them and for you.

I hope you start to feel better soon

[snowflake02]

I really do need some support. I am trying to access counselling through my local rape crisis centre, but its not proving very easy.

Timeforanamechangey I think you are right, I am grieving for what I have lost, or maybe what I thought I had. And nothing I do can make it unhappen.

My children are still young and my oldest tells me the same sort of things, that I have ruined her life by making daddy leave

[LuluJakey1]

Very stupid.

[Offred]

I'm relieved you are trying. It can take a while. It's a charity, they often don't have resources, it's tougher than ever for support services right now.

You should keep trying.