Am I completely stupid to even consider reconciling with husband who raped me?

[snowflake02]

Just that really. I have posted here so many times and found the support unbelievably helpful. But here I am again. Is it now too late for him to apologise and accept what he did? (Original thread here)
Am I crazy for even wondering if we could put things back together? Are some things just unforgiveable? Or am I overreacting? I know I have asked before but I am still struggling to accept that it was the R word.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer I have no solicitor. I paid for a some initial advice but then couldn't afford to continue.

I am in contact with the school, but they don't know any details and I don't think the children ever witnessed anything, but I imagine there was an atmosphere at times that they would have picked up on. Most of the damage was probably done by me shutting down after it happened, rather than anything they saw or overheard.

Rape Crisis have been in touch and they will update me hopefully by Monday on how long it will take for me to be allocated a counsellor.

I am doing better after reading all the responses, thank you.

Just wanted to let you know that if you ever decide that you think your husband should be prosecuted, once charged he will either be remanded in custody or if allowed bail, will be under strict bail conditions not to contact you, either directly or via a third party. When the case is dealt with at court, you would almost definitely get a restraining order, even if he were to be found not guilty. And I know for a fact that family courts take domestic violence and sexual abuse very seriously indeed, and it is considered very carefully when deciding whether to allow child contact arrangements.

You say you don't have legal aid - did you tell them the full story when you applied for it? If not, I would imagine it might change things. Maybe you could contact Women's Aid for advice?

Sadly I don't qualify because of the strange way they work out how much equity you have in your home (by their reckoning I have loads, which sadly is very far from the truth) and I have been unable to get through to Women's Aid the last few times I tried.

Thank you for explaining what would happen.

if he does now acknowledge what he did? Is it too late now after so much denial?

In short, yes.

He is either a rapist who admits he is a rapist or a rapist who denies he is a rapist but the one thing he cannot be now, the thing you want him to be is a man who isn't a rapist. You don't get former rapists.

But its not the what he is that is the problem. It's the why.

He does not see it as rape because he does not see you or any woman as an equal to him. Therefore his needs outweigh yours.

Whether he admits it or not changes nothing because in his head he is always more than you, better than, more real than you, more deserving than and more right than you.

This fundamentally fucked up view will never change.

Not matter what he says to you, what he believes will never change.

You cannot let your dcs make decisions about this for you. They are not in full possession of the facts. You are not ruining their lives.

op you have been incredibly brave. You haven't had the support you should have had. Hopefully RC and WA will come through for you soon.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs thank you, this is so true the thing you want him to be is a man who isn't a rapist I guess that sums the problem up.

I don't feel very brave, it still feels like it can't be real.

Hi. SmallLegsOrSmallEggs and snowflake you are so right in what you want is for them not to be that person. Dh has asked me what I want him to do and I honestly don't know and have told him that, as, I never thought this would happen to me. I know cliche!
But when I told him about the rape and why it had put me off being with him he said but I was just as bad as I'd pushed him before when I was mad with him and sleep deprived after the baby. Its so crap and yet worrying enough to wonder what he would say if it came to it.

I have always remembered you as your story is one of the most horrific I've ever seen on MN, and my heart sank when I saw your post.

If you haven't heard of the tea analogy then look it up. He raped you and he knew exactly what he was doing. He isn't sorry and he isn't prepared to acknowledge what he did. He just wants to convince you (with the help of a therapist) that you are wrong and he is right.

You said yourself that you are doing what your children need, which is not necessarily that they want. You don't want them to grow up believing that it's normal for women to be afraid and on edge around their husbands.

The tea analogy is great, thank you.

I think he thinks I am being very unreasonable that I won't give it another try with him. Feeling sad and guilty.

There are some crimes that are unforgivable. Rape is one of them.
If he raped your daughter, would you expect her to forgive him? No? Then why should you?

I could never forgive that because that is worse, he is her Father.

It's not worse. He is your partner. He is supposed to love and respect you. He is NEVER allowed to rape you.

That's true. Just wish I could shake the guilt and the feeling that I am being selfish and unreasonable.

You're not being selfish or unreasonable. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But I understand that it's hard to shake these feelings, because he's spent years and years conditioning you to feel them. It sounds like your family helped him out too
Please keep talking to the people who will support and reassure you - us, Women's Aid, a counsellor, a friend who will be understanding and supportive.

Thank you, i find the support I get here is so helpful. I am very, very grateful.