Am I completely stupid to even consider reconciling with husband who raped me?

[snowflake02]

Just that really. I have posted here so many times and found the support unbelievably helpful. But here I am again. Is it now too late for him to apologise and accept what he did? (Original thread here)
Am I crazy for even wondering if we could put things back together? Are some things just unforgiveable? Or am I overreacting? I know I have asked before but I am still struggling to accept that it was the R word.

[Offred]

Remember you are grieving for the future you thought you were going to have with the person you thought he was. You haven't lost the future entirely, the future will be different to what you thought and that can be scary but it will get easier to face with time.

[Trooperslane]

Kitty I love you.

Op, listen to her and everyone else, Jesus.

He raped you

You can't have a "misunderstanding" about that

You have a responsibility to look after yourself and then teach your kids by example how healthy relationships work.

I'm sending massive hugs and support. Look after yourself. Big hugs of solidarity. X

[ShebaShimmyShake]

How absolutely fucking dare a load of people who were not present tell you you were not raped.

[TheoriginalLEM]

CAN PPEOPLE PLEASE STOP CALLING THE OP STUPID!!!!

[ouryve]

I know the thread has moved on in the past hours, but, even if he did put his hands up and sat "OK, what I did was rape and I shouldn't have done it" how can you trust him to be sincere? How do you know that, as an abuser often does, he hasn't merely said what you want to hear so that he can get back close to you and have his plaything back? How do you know he's not going to degrade or molest you in another way, then justify it "well, I didn't rape you, did I?"

You can never go back to him because you will never be able to trust him. You will never be able to be sure he won't hurt you again. You will never be able to be sure that he will show you the necessary respect. And for you, there will always be the memory of what he did.

He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve any woman.

[MyMoneyIsAllSpent]

Well... I stayed with my abusive, on many many levels, ex, and the damage he did to me and to our kids will never be undone. Never. Ever.

Please do not set up your relationship with your husband as an example for your DC.

I do understand that it is hard to get help. My ex was EA and could charm the birds from the trees if he wanted to. You need to stay focused and get help from wherever you can.

But please do not get back with him.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

*LEM - I don't think anyone has called the OP stupid. A number have, early on in the thread, said yes, it would be stupid of her to go back to her husband - but they were answering the question posed by the OP in her thread title. Maybe they thought that, having posed the question that bluntly, she wanted an equally blunt answer.

[MsPavlichenko]

Yes you would. You would also be exposing your children to all the damage that living with an abusive rapist controller will do to them both now, and in their future lives.

Pleas don't.

[whatsgoingon15]

Would he have the kids 50/50 custody if she can't prove it? That is a worry surely? Someone else might be able to advise on this point better than me?

[snowflake02]

He wants the children 50/50, but he is a good dad. Not that I am happy with 50/50.

[MsPavlichenko]

He is not a good Dad. He may love his kids. Good Dads don't rape their children's mother, and then deny it. He is an abuser.

[Name7]

Is he out of the house? If so, huge congratulations, even if not you've separated. You've done the hardest bit! You need to try and get a support network in place, WA or Rape Crisis. Keep trying until you get somewhere. The fact you've separated is such a big thing, you need to be proud of yourself for making that step. You need to say to your children that it's not ok to say that Mummy has ruined their lives. That's not a kind way to talk. Say they're allowed to feel sad, you can support them through that (there should also be support available through WA or school). Give yourself a break, getting away from an abusive partnership takes a lot of guts. Be proud.

[snowflake02]

Thank you Name7 I have been trying for months to get help from the school but I don't seem to be making much progress so far but I will keep trying.

[Name7]

Does school know there was violence? Even if the children weren't witnesses at the time, they certainly were at the aftermath, the minimising etc. A referral to CAMHS is appropriate.

[Hissy]

How old is your oldest?

You need to handle this correctly or she will be mislead in her own life.

If she's little, you should try and explain it in terms that sometimes good people, people we love do things that aren't kind, and hurt us so much That we can't live together anymore. Explain that mums and dads stay together because they make each other happy, love and respect each other and are kind. Explain that her daddy has done something that upset you very much and that no amount of sorrys will fix, no matter how much you wished they could. I'd also tell her that one day when she is old enough and if she needs to know, that you will talk to her about it. She also has to trust you that this is the only decision to make and that she will understand in time.

Her dad is still her dad. His relationship with her is his responsibility.

We have to talk to our children with age appropriate truth about everything, they deserve this from us.

[Hissy]

Do not allow 50/50.

If he threatens it, tell him the truth will come out in all its glorious technicolor and he won't get anything so stfu in the meantime.

He needs to hear that he doesn't get his own way all the time. He's lost all control of you now.

[GeekLove]

umm... a good dad does NOT rape the mother of his children. He is not what uou'd call ANY sort of role model. I really hope he is oit of the house.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Indeed, he is not a good father if he rapes his children's mother and then gets the world around her to tell her it didn't happen. He's expressed exactly what he's prepared to do with people with less power than he has, especially women.

It's one thing for parents not to slag each other off to their kids, and quite another to let a child understand, on a certain level, that Mummy cannot stay with Daddy because she is not safe with him. At this level, you could perhaps, if you are questioned, say something like, "Daddy made me do something I didn't want to do."

[cailindana]

I would imagine he's enjoying telling people about it, it probably turns him on. It's an extension of the rape - further humiliation.

If your daughter said you were ruining her life by not allowing her to eat sweets for every meal or ride in the car without a belt, would you give her what she wanted? No, because as a adult you should know better.

The best course of action here would be to report him and only have supervised contact. Knowingly leaving your children in the care of a rapist is not sensible.

[snowflake02]

cailindana very true, I would not even consider giving in to those kinds of requests.

I think that he genuinely thinks he hasn't done anything wrong and is asking people because he thinks he is not guilty of wrong doing.

[randomcatname]

OP I think (hope) that in a year's time you will be able to look back on this time and appreciate what you've had to overcome to get where you are. You're still in the middle of it all and it takes a long time to wrestle free of the mind games of an abusive partner. Please please trust your instincts - you say you don't want him anywhere near you - keep him at a very far distance and take as much support as you can from Womens Aid.

Never ever go back to him. Not just for yourself but your children also. You can do it and so much more. be kind to yourself.

[hellofromtheoutside]

Why do you think this is all you are worth?

[snowflake02]

It's what I know. And because there is a lot of good in him. Which makes it hard to accept the bad.