Am I completely stupid to even consider reconciling with husband who raped me?

[snowflake02]

Just that really. I have posted here so many times and found the support unbelievably helpful. But here I am again. Is it now too late for him to apologise and accept what he did? (Original thread here)
Am I crazy for even wondering if we could put things back together? Are some things just unforgiveable? Or am I overreacting? I know I have asked before but I am still struggling to accept that it was the R word.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

snowflake, I am quite sure he thinks he's done nothing wrong. How many rapists think they have? There's always an excuse. She was wearing a short skirt, she was drinking, she came on to me originally, it's not like I leapt out at her from behind a bush, I can't have raped her because she's my wife, etc etc etc. Shitty people always have an excuse as to why it's someone else's fault that they're shitty.

Who cares what a rapist thinks?

I am sure he is a complicated personality. Everyone is. I am sure he's capable of being nice when it suits him to and everything is going his way. I am sure he's not sheer evil personified with absolutely no good points whatsoever.

But he's still a rapist.

And on top of that, he's a gaslighter. He's denying your experience and he's getting a load of meatheads who weren't there to deny it as well. Common in rapists. It's how they control you.

He raped you and he's got you doubting yourself and thinking he's a nice guy really. That is what these people do. That is their modus operandi. Yeah, he's nice sometimes. If I beat you over the head with a brick for ten minutes straight, I'm sure it would feel lovely when I finally stopped...

You don't NEED to accept the bad. That's the point. You can leave a gaslighting rapist who gets the world around you to tell you you're a liar or a fantasist about your rape, and keep him away from your children.

People go to prison for what he did to you. Please get out of there before the walls of your own prison close for your own life sentence.

[snowflake02]

ShebaShimmyShake thank you,very good points. I need to remember them all when I doubt myself.

But, what if he does now acknowledge what he did? Is it too late now after so much denial?

He has sort of apologised previously, saying he is sorry he hurt me or sorry that I feel that way, but I don't think that is the same as saying sorry i did whatever it was, especially as he was maintaing it was a misunderstanding, or that 'it may or may not have happened'. Or am I being unreasonable to think that is not enough? So confused by it all.

[YesICanHearYouClemFandango]

I don't have time to RTFT but I've skimmed it and read your original post.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can tell you for definite that in the eyes of the law, what he did was rape. Which as I'm sure you know is an imprisonable offence. What he did is very, very serious. Please don't allow him to attempt to minimize what he did.

He is in denial. That's not your problem, and it doesn't change the fact that he raped you. He is lucky to still be walking around a free man, never mind for you to even be speaking to him. Surely you know deep down that getting back together with him is never going to be a good thing.

And I'm sorry OP, but what an example it would be to set your children. I don't know how old they are or whether male/female, but would you want them to grow up thinking it's ok to rape/be raped by their spouse? Of course not, I know that. But if they ever found out what happened, that is precisely the message you would be giving them.

You could report him, obviously (and I think he really does need to learn a lesson, and it's not one you can teach him). I totally understand why this is a difficult decision to make, however. But I really think that you should be cutting contact with him regardless, for your own wellbeing. I don't think it's possible to get past this. What he has done is unforgiveable.

You have done nothing to feel ashamed of and this was 100% not your fault. He, on the other hand, has done something which should make him feel deeply ashamed, and for which he can never truly atone. He is trying to play it down in the hope that he can get you (and perhaps others too, I'm sorry I don't know as haven't RTFT) to believe his warped version of events. He is doing this precisely because rape is such an awful thing, and he is unable at present to admit to himself what he has done. This is because a man who rapes the mother of his children does not deserve to see the mother or children ever again.

Please take care of yourself OP

[randomcatname]

there is a lot of good in him...makes it hard to accept the bad

I know exactly what you mean OP but in my experience you get to a point where the bad outweighs the good. He raped you. It hurts to even type that tbh. God only knows the damage he's done you. For your sake and your dc you need to put distance between him. Protect yourself. Make yourself priority number one. You deserve so much more but you'll only ever get it if you're available for it.

[HackerFucker22]

Sorry not RTWT.

Did the OP leave him after this? Was he reported to the Police? Does he at least accept he committed rape?

[RedMapleLeaf]

Do you not think you should RTFT hacker?

[goodnightdarthvader1]

He has sort of apologised previously, saying he is sorry he hurt me or sorry that I feel that way, but I don't think that is the same as saying sorry i did whatever it was, especially as he was maintaing it was a misunderstanding, or that 'it may or may not have happened'.

Is that enough? Do you really need an answer to that? Listen to what ALL the posters are telling you. He's saying it was a misunderstanding (lie - and you still haven't said why it is exactly he thinks this when you clearly said no to him several times) and is telling you that after he (supposedly) told his family and his counsellor the full story, they think he did nothing wrong. Are those the actions of a "good" man who is keen to atone for what he did? No.

[coconutpie]

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. It doesn't matter if he acknowledges it was rape - it will still not change the fact that he raped you and committed a crime against you, which is a crime punishable by prison. Even if he does admit it was rape, that is not something that you can then "work through" with him - it is unforgivable and you should be getting a restraining order against that scumbag.

You should really go to the police and report that evil man. He deserves to pay for what he has done. As for his family, they sound disgusting. They were not in the room at the time and YOU know what happened, not them. No always means no. Big hugs OP, be strong. You are worth so much more, do not get back with him. If you do, you are basically telling him that it is ok for him to rape you, and therefore he will continue doing so.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

I don't think anything he says now will make a difference OP - the damage is done.

[snowflake02]

Thank you everyone. Accepting that the damage has been done and it is too late to change anything is probably how I feel if I allow myself to be honest with myself. But then the guilt comes back. My family think we should save our marriage if at all possible and they know what he did. So that makes me feel that I am being unreasonable and that it wasn't really a big deal after all, I am just making it in to one. And therefore, if I handled it better and didnt over react there would be no reason to break my children's hearts...

[coconutpie]

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP but your own family expect you to remain in a marriage with the man who raped you? WTAF? Your own family sound horrible and are just as bad as him. They make you think that you should "handle your rape better"? Oh OP, you are in a terrible situation made even more terrible by your awful family. If they are feeding this vile crap into your ear, then you need to go no contact with them.

And remember, it was your husband who has created this mess - he has destroyed your marriage and broken your children's hearts. Not you. Him. Do not stay with him "for the sake of the children". When your children are older and if you tell them what he did, they will be glad that you left. You need to teach your children that it is not ok to stay in an abusive marriage.

[spudlike1]

What if you have him back ? The hopes and fantasies you and your children have about the happy family are dashed again, because this man is not matching up to the hopes and ideals that you and your children have for him. That is more damaging for your child in the long run . Maybe the future looks tough on your own, but maybe the future without him will be a great deal better.
You still haven't worked out what happened
( it was rape) it's hard to accept this .
Taking him.back now is hugely risky and potentially very damaging for your children.

[spudlike1]

You need support from non - biased parties.
Your family want you to do.the respectable thing ( stay married) perhaps divorce is shameful to them . They are being very self- centred everything is rosy for them if you stay married . Distance your self from their selfish outlook , get counselling focus on what is right for you and your children. NEVER make decisions based on what makes others happy , or what keeps the peace .

[AnnieKenney]

This may be of no use or it may be helpful but posting it just in case: The Courage To Be Me

[DontMindMe1]

He has sort of apologised previously, saying.... sorry that I feel that way
This is NOT an apology. It's a backhanded pathetic excuse of an apology. Designed to make you think that they are apologising when in actual fact they are refusing to acknowledge that a) their actions have caused you harm and b) what they did was wrong. He's refusing to acknowledge that what he did was WRONG and downright CRIMINAL. He's refusing to accept responsibility for his actions.

After years of narcissistic abuse from my sibling i finally decided to go NC. Whenever i called her up on her behaviour i would get the standard response of "i'm sorry you feel that way". Basically meaning that she didn't think she had done anything wrong and i was 'sensitive' and 'over reacting' You can't reason or have an honest discussion with people who respond like this.

[DontMindMe1]

But then the guilt comes back Ahh yes, Guilt - that insidious, wasted emotion. Took me years to understand that feeling guilty never actually helped me in a positive way, it only drew me back into other people's games.

Brilliant quote from this link: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200807/guilt-is-wasted-emotion

"So, why is guilt a wasted emotion? Same old song and dance - if you are guilty, it is because you are attached to judgment, and that judgment is coming from outside of you. You are going outside of yourself to define who you are and, by association, how you behave, rather than relying on your internal mechanisms of decision making and self-regulation.

The fact is that, if you are a reasonably well constituted individual, you know right from wrong, good from bad and sensible from stupid. If you feel like you shouldn't be doing something, you probably shouldn't - and guilt (read: your internalized external judge) should really have nothing to do with it, before the fact or after. Once you've figured out who it is that is judging you and why you feel that they are judging you, you can move past self-stigmatization and enter into an authentic relationship with the situation at hand."

[DontMindMe1]

My family think we should save our marriage if at all possible and they know what he did. So that makes me feel that I am being unreasonable and that it wasn't really a big deal after all

This is a disgusting response from your 'family'. I doubt very much they would carry on 'as normal' if any of them had been raped. They obviously don't understand what rape actually is or they just don't care because they're only thinking about themselves and how this will reflect on them.

There is another poster who experienced continuous spousal rape and is getting the same response as you from her family. i will pm you her details and perhaps you both can help each other through this.

[snowflake02]

DontMindMe1thank you.

Basically meaning that she didn't think she had done anything wrong and i was 'sensitive' and 'over reacting' this is exactly how it makes me feel. It never feels like a genuine apology.

Well done for being brave and going NC.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

It isn't a genuine apology - it's like me hitting you and then saying sorry you feel hurt instead of saying sorry for actually hitting you.

You deserve so much better than this - please believe me. xxx

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

And you did NOT overreact!

if I told you I had been raped, would you tell me I was overreacting if I did not want my rapist staying in my home, interacting with my children?

If you had ripped his testicles off with rusty pliers, that might have been a slight - but not total - overreaction!

[snowflake02]

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius thank you, that made me laugh!

That is exactly how I feel about his 'apology'. It's good to know that i'm not being unreasonable.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

One thing that jumped out at me from reading your previous thread is that actually, the rape you were discussing is not even the only occasion - just the most blatant/most easily recognisable as rape. But you said there had been previous occasions too where he had deliberately ignored you saying no, removing his hands etc.

So he's not just a rapist, he's a repeat rapist, and he's also escalating - from ignoring you moving his hands to ignoring very clear and repeated requests to stop, and starting to use force.

If you allow him back into your house, he is likely to be more dangerous than ever - both because he is already escalating, and because letting him come back would mean he has got away with it, and sent a signal that there are no consequences for his actions.

[snowflake02]

I have always struggled not knowing what to do with all the 'grey incidents', but I suppose some of them do amount to the same thing, it is just hard to acknowledge. Just as it is hard to read everything that is being said about him as I never thought of him as 'dangerous'.

[LegoCaltrops]

If you go back to him, he will escalate. They all escalate because they feel that you have forgiven & somehow approved their behaviour. My XP did. He started with being a bit pushy, emotional blackmail etc. The last night I spent with him, I cried until he'd finished. He knew it hurt, and didn't care. I'd already called the wedding off a couple of weeks before - he knew he was on thin ice. He drove me home the next day, when he got back home I rang him & ended it.

I put up with quite a few "incidents" like this before I reached my breaking point, I didn't recognise it for what it was at the time. You do, please don't knowingly make the same mistake that I, and many others, have made.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is the worst fauxpology of them all. It says he hasn't done anything wrong and turns the blame on you, with your pesky silly FEELINGS about being raped and all. Dammit, woman, it's only a rape. Why can't you just get over your silly irrational feminine FEELINGS about being forced to have sex against your will and being told by a load of shitbags who weren't there that it didn't happen?

And as for your family...my God, when your own family don't take your rape seriously, I really feel genuinely sick for you.

He will escalate. I promise you that. He has raped you repeatedly with impunity, where do you think it can go from here? Don't let the sweet parts blind you. Please get help and get out before he harms you even further, or your children.

I never ever saw a man who abused the mother of his children treat his daughter well.