I'm pregnant by abusive ex.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Hey everyone,

I've just joined on Mumsnet.

I was in an intense relationship with DD's dad for 7 years, he was very abusive and wasn't really there for DD. She has special needs.

An incident happend which made me leave DD's dad for good. It has now been two months and I'm now staying with a family friend.

But recently l have been feeling sick. I have now just found out that I'm pregnant .

I was on the pill and took it correctly, I can't understand how this can happen.

But I don't know what to do I feel numb. I've always been the person that couldn't go through with an abortion. But I'm so lost. I don't want to have this baby for selfish reasons ( e.g. DD will have a new brother or sister, we can be just the three of us and do want to have this baby). But apart of me knows what will happen if I go through the pregnancy (eg. Social services being involved again, I wil get depressed, Not giving much attention to DD's special needs).

I know I would feel guilty if I go through an abortion, what happens if I can't ever have kids. I'm now looking at other couples with young kids and I'm envious of them.

My head is all over the place, I'm
Not even making sense.

Are you still keeping up with your PGCE while all this is going on?

Have you had any counselling OP? Did the clinic offer you any? If not you could ask the clinic and/or your GP.

I know I've been repeating myself a bit but that's because I think counselling would really help you to make the decision and feel ok about it.

Leave I just had an assignment due in on Thursday, which I was able to hand in. So during that week they did give me a distraction.

Another I've had a bit of counselling at the abortion clinic, which did help.

*that

I think you've already made your mind up to be honest. Although finding out exactly what to expect from social services when they find out you are PG by the same man again, and especially if you start seeing him again (which you admit you cannot rule out at this stage) may help you mind up about whether to go along for the termination.

Glad you had some counselling and it was helpful. And well done for keeping up with your coursework

I was sorry to read about your dad's reaction and his conversation with your ex. They both behaved badly. Your dad has no right to be angry with you, he may be frustrated about the situation but he should be supporting you. Still, it's good that he apologised, at least.

As for your ex putting pressure on you to get an abortion and threatening to "leave" your DD if you don't - that is beyond despicable. I hope you are ignoring him and not taking any of it to heart. If he doesn't want anything to do with the pregnancy or baby, that's a good thing. If you decide to keep it, you can leave him off the birth certificate and hope he doesn't change his mind and apply for parental rights. And if he does "leave" your DD, again that's a good thing. He's an abusive arse and she's better off without him.

If you go ahead with the abortion, please do it because it's what you think is best (for you and DD) not because of your ex, your dad or anyone else thinks or says.

FWIW I think it might be the right decision but only if you make it for yourself and not if you feel forced into it.

Thanks Leave But what did you mean by Although finding out exactly what to expect from social services when they find out you are PG by the same man again, and especially if you start seeing him again (which you admit you cannot rule out at this stage) may help you mind up about whether to go along for the termination.

I think I have made up my mind, but I'm scared to go though with it.

Thanks AnotherEmma Yes I didn't care that much what DD's dad had to say to be honest. I think I have decided, but I'm worried that I will be rippled with guilt after wards. I'm worried that I will hear that so and so is pregnant and I will get a tight pang in my stomach. I'm worried that my behaviour towards DD will change. This is really not an easy decision .

No it's not easy, I don't have personal experience but I supported a close friend through it and I know it wasn't easy for her.

Do you have a good friend who could go in with you? It might help.

Either way though, if you've decided to do it, you can and will get through it. Whatever happens.

Your father is not a supportive presence in your life. I am appalled at his many breaches of trust (reading your papers, calling your ex ffs).

I'm not surprised you were in thrall to an abusive romantic partner - you were raised by people unable to show you respect; it's your "normal".

Keep seeking those things and those people who give you stability and clarity. You are clearly a very intelligent and resourceful woman, and you can build a better life for yourself, choosing people in it who treat you with kindness and respect.

I'm so impressed that you're able to pursue a pgce right now. You are very strong indeed.

Firstly Itsa a ((hug)) and to say you are not and will not be 'punished' for whatever decision you make.
You've done your very best under a horrendous situation, no one is judging you neither will you be judged on your decision about the pregnancy. The fact that Social Services have been involved and you've found them helpful and supportive won't change it you decide to keep the pregnancy.
I'm certainly not sure what I'd do in your situation but if you do decide to carry on and have the baby I'm sure there will be the help and support you need.
It's not silly to go through with the pregnancy - but that does highlight the need for you to be able to talk through your options with someone impartial.
I do wish you all the best for whichever route you take, x

The fact that Social Services have been involved and you've found them helpful and supportive won't change it you decide to keep the pregnancy.

I think it's quite irresponsible to tell her that actually, when you have no idea what SS will do. She's been warned before that she risks losing her DD if she can't stay away from this man, and she clearly hasn't stayed away from him because she's pregnant again. With a man so violent that he has had to have supervised visits with his daughter. And she can't say for sure she won't go back to him.

Incidentally, Itsa if you are on the pill you either have no bleeds at all, or you have very punctual bleeds.

If you were on the pill and taking it correctly, how come you had irregular bleeds?

For the second time on this thread I am forced to say to you that both those things can't be true.

And as you have no evidence to the contrary Leave I don't consider it to be 'irresponsible' as she has said she had a good rapport with them.
Incidentally having irregular, non-existent or regular withdrawal bleeds (not periods) when taking the pill are all normal (I speak as as a former FP nurse)

You ask what others would do. Assuming he is DD's dad and you will be tied to him whatever happens I would have the baby. Personally I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy if I wanted the baby and I don't see your reasons for wanting the baby as selfish.

But, and this is a big but, nobody else can make the decision and your reasons for wanting to terminate are equally valid. You also are in the best position to assess your situation and how much danger your ex potentially poses and your reasons for wanting to terminate certainly seem sensible and well thought.

I think the best people to help you make the decision will be trained counsellors. I'm sure it won't be an easy decision but good luck whichever choice you make.

OK point taken about the bleeds, P1nk I stand corrected, but she HAS said she was warned her DD might be removed if she didn't stop seeing him. And a recent pregnancy is a pretty good indication that she is/was still seeing him. I don't know what kind of 'evidence' you think I should be citing, but I'd say that's evidence enough that she should not be complacent about how things will go with SS from hereon in, if she goes ahead with this PG.

My body can't go through with the abortion. I just can't. I feel torn, I feel like breaking down. I can't go through with it.

I think that's my answer.

It sounds like you're struggling with feelings of fear and panic. Did you discuss that with the counsellor? They might be able to help by suggesting good ways to deal with those feelings. I'm not an expert but you could try things like breathing deeply, focussing on your breath and counting to 10 (or 20 or whatever). You could also try positive affirmations (telling yourself positive things like "I am ok", "I will be ok" and/or "I can do this") and positive visualisation (imagine everything going well, imagine yourself after the abortion feeling relieved, optimistic about the future, and guilt free).

I hope that's helpful. I'd like to reassure you that if it's what you want, you can do it.

However, if your feelings of panic and dread keep coming back and won't go away even when you try to calm down, it might be worth delaying your appointment and going back to the counsellor to talk through the decision a bit more. Just to be sure you're making the right one.

Having said that, it might feel scary even if it is the right decision, and that's ok too.

It's ok, Itsa. Whatever you choose to do, you will be able to cope, and it will be ok.

Things will work out fine Itsa, you will be able to cope, whatever the decision.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who has commented on this thread.

After all the doubts, and keep changing my mind from the day to the next. I have finally decided on what I'm going to do.

I'm going to terminate. .

What helped me made up my mind was the time I had DD. I was depressed, trying to keep upbeat in an abusive relationship, I was broken and I believe that if I continue with the pregnancy, I would go back to that dark place that I once was. I finally feel that I got my life back, I'm on my PGCE course and I've left DD's dad.

I believe that if I continue with this pregnancy, I would be mentally unable to look after both children now. Life is so shitty as it is that I do not want to bring another child into an abusive relationship.

Even though it hurts that I will be terminating mychild and DD's future brother and sister, it will be a relief if I terminated to be honest.

I just hope that God forgives me , and my life can finally go into the straight path that I've always wanted it to.

I have booked myself onto a Freedom course so that I won't pick another guy like DD's dad again.

God will forgive you, but you also need to work on forgiving yourself. I think the Freedom programme will help you with that OP.

Well done for coming to a decision and for the strength you've shown. You may not see it yet, but you have fought like a tiger for DD and yourself and honestly, for the pregnancy too. You've done the right thing for everyone involved, in my opinion.

Thank you LonnyVonny

itscold I really believe you are making to right choice for you and your little girl. God has nothing to forgive, you should feel no guilt. Big hugs, glad you are seeking help. Best of luck

Thank you again Blossomflowers.

OP . FOG fear Guilt and Obligation are the classic emotions felt after being in an abusive relationship. Be kind to yourself. Keep having counselling support to go through all the emotions. It is great that u are going on the Freedom program. This is probably a massive chance to sort your life out. Keep posting we are here for support too.

God is love, is He not? You are loved and you are forgiven as a matter of course.

You have shown great strength and thoughtfulness. Well done for booking yourself onto the Freedom Programme, as well. It is wonderful to see you take these steps to take care of yourself.