I'm pregnant by abusive ex.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Hey everyone,

I've just joined on Mumsnet.

I was in an intense relationship with DD's dad for 7 years, he was very abusive and wasn't really there for DD. She has special needs.

An incident happend which made me leave DD's dad for good. It has now been two months and I'm now staying with a family friend.

But recently l have been feeling sick. I have now just found out that I'm pregnant .

I was on the pill and took it correctly, I can't understand how this can happen.

But I don't know what to do I feel numb. I've always been the person that couldn't go through with an abortion. But I'm so lost. I don't want to have this baby for selfish reasons ( e.g. DD will have a new brother or sister, we can be just the three of us and do want to have this baby). But apart of me knows what will happen if I go through the pregnancy (eg. Social services being involved again, I wil get depressed, Not giving much attention to DD's special needs).

I know I would feel guilty if I go through an abortion, what happens if I can't ever have kids. I'm now looking at other couples with young kids and I'm envious of them.

My head is all over the place, I'm
Not even making sense.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to my post and thank you very much for your honesty.

It's a lot to take in ! I'm currently doing PGCE in teaching and I'm not able to concentrate on my assignments . MorrisZapp but when you saw people with new born babies, how did you feel, did it make you feel "what if"...

[Itsacoldnightday]

Thanks AnotherEmma, it all got to a point it that the violence was becoming frequent and they did kind of say that if I got back with him again there's a possibility that DD will be removed from my care.

But thank you, I still have not made up my mind, but when I go to the consultation, hopefully my decision will be made. .

[goddessofsmallthings]

I know of no "trusted third party" that is appointed by the courts to arrange contact, but I do know of cases where women who have sustained serious injuries at the hands of their violent partners have been ordered to facilitate contact between their dc and their abusive exes, alfie.

Ime abusers rarely relinquish their victims easily and there's no reason to suppose that your ex won't renew his efforts to make your life a misery should he become aware that you're expecting another of his dc, OP.

You would indeed be foolish to risk the welfare and wellbeing of your dd by continuing to push your luck with SS who, from what you've said, will no doubt have concern regarding your ability to cope with the demands of a dc with special needs and a baby without allowing your abusive ex back into your life.

I see that you're currently living with a family friend. Do you not have a home of your own? In any event, you have a chance to make a good life for yourself and your dd and you're best advised to grab it with both hands and do what you know is right for her because, as you've said, it's probable that if you continue this pregnancy you'll become depressed and neglect her needs. You could also be setting yourself up for pnd which will leave you ill-equipped to cope with the challenge of caring for a dc with special needs and a new born.

At some future date I have no doubt you will be half of a happy couple doting on your new arrival, but that time is not now and to believe otherwise may result in a highly undesirable outcome.

The OP who was mentioned in relation to another thread made a profoundly wise decision and I sincerely hope that you will find the courage to do the same.

[NameChange30]

Ah OK, that makes sense. Since you split up, has he asked to see your daughter? Presumably, since social services have been involved, any contact he might have with her would need to be supervised?

[LadyRivers1]

Hi, I just want to tell you about my situation. I had split up with my abusive partner and found out I was pregnant, obviously conception took place before we parted. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It was bloody tough OP. Really really tough. We ended up back together and he assaulted me again in front of both children. And then we got back together again. And split up again. And I found myself pregnant again. I decided to terminate that pregnancy, as another child would mean being tied to him even more and I didn't want that. Also I didn't want to bring another child into the shit situation. We got back together again and are apart now. And it's bloody tough having two kids to an abusive ex. One is tough as well. I'm not telling you what to do by any means but just wanted to tell you about my situation. The more kids you have to him the harder it will be to break free. You're so young and have your whole life ahead of you, do what's best for you and your DD

[NameChange30]

LadyRivers
Have you done the Freedom Programme?

[LadyRivers1]

AnotherEmma not sure if that was to me or OP but I'll answer anyway haha. I'm due to start it in January and Women's Aid are finally involved. itsacoldnightday I can't recommend WA highly enough, are yu in touch with them?

[NameChange30]

LadyRivers yes it was to you, so glad Women's Aid have been helpful and you plan to start the Freedom Programme soon.

[LadyRivers1]

Thanks AnotherEmma.

Another issue that crops up is because I found out I was pregnant when we were apart, every so often he will try to say our youngest isn't his. He's more than welcome to get a DNA test but choses to use it as a stick to beat me with. Again, just trying to give you my situation to see if it helps you any x

[Rebecca2014]

You are only 22 years old, you already have a daughter who has special needs and your doing an pgce. If I was you I have an abortion, I would focus on getting my career and getting over my ex. You will have more children one day, very immature to think if you had an abortion you wouldn't be able get pregnant again as your obviously fertile.

From what you told us social workers will come knocking on your door and rightly so. There is a risk you could go back to your ex.

[Itsacoldnightday]

AnotherEmma, DD's dad had supervised contact with DD for 6 months. He was actually really good, turning up on time, never missed a visit. But as soon as those 6 months were up and SS left, he was hardly seeing DD.

Goddess I was living with my brother and DD originally, ex has his own place, but myself and DD were staying there from time to time. I wasn't ready to fully commit into living with him as I strongly believed that the abuse will get worse. What did the other Op choose in the end?

Ladyrivers thanks so much for telling me your story. How are you doing now? When you terminated your pregnancy, did looking at couples with multiple kids make you feel sad? Did you regret it?

I'm worried that if I do terminate, God will punish me. I may never meet anyone, I'm worried that I would be given another child with special needs. I love DD with all my heart, but her special needs is tough.

[Itsacoldnightday]

rebecca I meant it terms of risk of infections, something going wrong. I've never had an abortion before, so when the nurse told me the risks, I did start to worry.

[goddessofsmallthings]

The other OP chose to terminate as she realised that it would not be fair to bring a child into an uncertain future where its abusive father might try to exercise his parental rights in a manner which could cause conflict for the dc.

Her decision was particularly courageous as, unlike yourself, she has pos and therefore has no guarantee that she will be able to conceive again.

[LadyRivers1]

Honestly? I felt relief after the termination and I still continue to feel it. I don't regret it one bit. I do, however, get a pang when I see happy families in general regardless of the amount of children they have and I have to keep reminding myself that I'll never have that with him. But that's not about the termination that's about not being able to be a family unit. At the end of the day having another baby made me get back together with him. I do not regret having my youngest, not for a second! But it is very hard and you have so much going for you. I had to give up work, my oldest daughter has additional needs and it's only now that I'm starting to get my life back on track and I'm 10 years older than you. You will meet someone else, believe me. I've had a couple of flirtations but don't feel ready to start anything, but it's nice to know I could start something else with someone new if I wanted to.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I'm worried that if I do terminate, God will punish me Stuff and nonsense! Put this outmoded fear and superstition out of your head as it serves no useful purpose and keeps you shackled to the dark ages.

I may never meet anyone This concern should be confined to fearing that you'll meet more men like your abusive ex.

I'm worried that I would be given another child with special needs You haven't said what your dd's special needs are, but before bringing another dc into the world you may be best advised to seek genetic counselling.

Some have no regret whatsoever after having a termination. Some do have regret but this is tempered by the knowledge that there was no other viable choice.

When performed by doctors as opposed to back street abortionists, the risk is minimal compared to the risks associated with birth.

[NameChange30]

"I'm worried that if I do terminate, God will punish me."
Are you religious, OP? I think there are many religious people who are pro-choice. I'm not sure there is a God, but if there is, I don't think he would punish you for getting an abortion if you decide that's the best thing for you and your daughter. I wonder if it would help you to talk to people who are both religious and pro-choice to get their guidance? (I know some religious people are very strongly anti-abortion and therefore anti-choice, I wouldn't advise you to talk to them!)

You also mentioned being afraid that you'll never meet someone else and be able to have another child. To be honest I think your priority now should be finishing your studies, getting a good job and a stable home for you and your daughter. But if and when you're ready (and provided you do the Freedom Programme or similar counselling) there's no reason you won't be able to meet someone. You're 22, you're still very young and have years and years ahead of you. Having said that, if you find yourself single and wanting another child later in life, you will have options. To be honest I think finding a sperm donor would be better than having a child with an abusive father! But that's just my opinion of course.

[MorrisZapp]

Hi op, you asked how I felt when I saw babies etc. In truth, I felt nothing. The termination had literally no effect on me emotionally apart from slight embarrassment at finding myself pg from a one night stand when obviously I was big enough to have sorted out contraception.

At the time I was childless, other people's babies were just noisy objects to me. As a mother already you may well feel very different of course.

The media like to portray abortion as a deeply upsetting experience that has lifelong repercussions on women's lives, but statistically this is simply untrue.

Most women feel ok after terminating a pregnancy.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

I'm worried that if I do terminate, God will punish me.

Oh OP. I wish I could whisk you twenty years into the future so you could get to utilize a big dose of hindsight right now.

No-one will punish you. As I said before, your ex is the villain in this situation. No God or karma or anything else would punish the victim in this scenario!

Please do find the Caitlin Moran book 'How to be a Woman' and read the chapter on abortion. She aborted what would have been her third child, because she didn't want another. She was in a happy marriage, financially secure, adored her first two children. She just didn't want another one. She had the operation and went on with life. No what ifs, no beating herself with birch twigs. It's all a choice, albeit a choice society would like us to make. If you want to beat yourself up and punish yourself for all kinds of imagined 'wrong steps' for decades, then you will. Or you could put it all behind you, and be happy to move forward, in whatever form would make you happier.

I think some counselling would help you. You sound like you have very low self-esteem. You're not on this earth to take endless shit! Work out both scenarios, baby and no baby, with practicalities like finances and work. What's going to be best for you. Not your scumbag ex, not your dd, not a potential new life. Just you.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

"It's all a choice, albeit a choice society would like us to make."

By this, I mean as women we are socialized to feel very negatively about abortion. Even when women speak out about having them, it's always automatically followed by 'and of course, I regret it and think about the baby every day.' It's still the only socially acceptable way to feel. But many women have abortions and are absolutely thrilled about it. I'm not saying you should be, but it's an equally valid way to feel. You don't have to put yourself in the 'evil wicked woman' box. Plenty of very nice kind women have abortions! It's not a morally wrong thing to do.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

OP in your situation I would terminate. I had a termination many years ago, I have never regretted it because I knew it was the right thing for me to do at that time.

I would encourage you to think of the needs of the child you already have - getting qualified and being able to provide a stable life for her should be your main priority. At 22 you have years ahead of you to increase your family.

Notime your post on this thread is totally irresponsible. You had counselling, for you. You don't then become qualified to go around diagnosing what kind of person someone is from a few words on a talk board and proclaim that the advice you had will suit them too. How utterly foolish can you be?

[NameChange30]

Alibabs I think you're being a bit too harsh towards Notime She shared her experience but she did also say it's the OP's decision. It didn't read her post as putting on a huge amount of pressure, in fact I think others have been more pushy.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Thank you again for the replies. DD has autism and is non verbal, haven't thought about genetic counselling, may need to look into this more.

I just had this very silly idea that if I go through the pregnancy, I'll get to feel what it's like to have a neurotypical child and do all the things I should of done with DD, I can now do with this baby.

I'm not religious, in terms of like "following the rules", praying everyday. But I do believe in God in my heart, but it does t help that I have had a very religious upbringing with my parents and the church too I attend sometimes is very judgemental, I was getting eyeballs from the congregation and was told repeatedly to ask God to forgive my sins. They are ok now, but they would be VERY disappointed if they find out I'm pregnant again.

I will definetly read the book, I hope you can get it on kindle.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

There isn't any genetic counselling for autism at the moment, though lots of research going on to see if there could be in the future.

You know, anything you 'didn't do' with DD was probably down to the fear and exhaustion and stress you were under, trying to maintain a relationship with an abuser? Please don't take that burden on yourself.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Thank you Lonny I know that now. I have to think about all of this carefully.

[spanisharmada]

Hi OP, you've had some great advice already. From my perspective I was mortified when I found out I was expecting by my ex. I am very much pro-choice but felt unable to abort myself. The pregnancy was tough, I didn't really engage with it. But I don't regret it for a second now. It was the right decision for me and my DC in the end. You need to make the decision you feel most comfortable with too, no one else can tell you what that is.