I'm pregnant by abusive ex.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Hey everyone,

I've just joined on Mumsnet.

I was in an intense relationship with DD's dad for 7 years, he was very abusive and wasn't really there for DD. She has special needs.

An incident happend which made me leave DD's dad for good. It has now been two months and I'm now staying with a family friend.

But recently l have been feeling sick. I have now just found out that I'm pregnant .

I was on the pill and took it correctly, I can't understand how this can happen.

But I don't know what to do I feel numb. I've always been the person that couldn't go through with an abortion. But I'm so lost. I don't want to have this baby for selfish reasons ( e.g. DD will have a new brother or sister, we can be just the three of us and do want to have this baby). But apart of me knows what will happen if I go through the pregnancy (eg. Social services being involved again, I wil get depressed, Not giving much attention to DD's special needs).

I know I would feel guilty if I go through an abortion, what happens if I can't ever have kids. I'm now looking at other couples with young kids and I'm envious of them.

My head is all over the place, I'm
Not even making sense.

[PrimalLass]

Yes, but I meant a similar situation in that she was struggling over whether to have a baby with an abusive man or terminate.

[NameChange30]

Well you actually said she was in the "same situation" which was why I wanted to point out that it's similar but not the same.

[Blossomflowers]

Whether OP is married or not is irrelevant. Why choose to have a baby with someone who has abused you. For me it would be a simple choice because choice it what you have.

[PrimalLass]

AnotherEmma stop nitpicking ffs.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Thanks everyone for the advise.

It's really hard, I've booked myself to the abortion clinic as I know they offer some counselling support. I'm at loss what to do.

[Blossomflowers]

itacold they will offer support and guidance, no one will judge you. I think you are being very brave. I have been in your position btw.

[NameChange30]

Well done for booking with the clinic. I'm sure the counselling will help.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Blossom you have been in my position?! How did you feel? What did you do in the end of you don't mind me asking.

[Blossomflowers]

It was a long time ago, I was in my 20's, I booked the clinic for the abortion, when I went in I was told the baby had died. so decision taken away but felt incredibly emotional hormones all over the place. I think you will get much much more support these days ( ! am 50 now). Nobody would take having and abortion lightly and I had always said I would never do but sometimes it is the right choice to make. My heart goes out to you but you will be fine.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Well done on booking the visit for counseling from specialists. You are taking very concrete steps to help yourself.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

What on earth makes you think you might not be able to conceive again if you abort this pregnancy? You got pregnant while taking the pill correctly and without even trying, so I'd say the chances of you suddenly becoming infertile are pretty slim. How old are you?

If SS have been involved before then they aren't going to just leave you to get on with it -do you really need that hassle? I think an abortion and a fresh start where your little girl gets to have no abuse and stress and upheaval in her life is what's required from you right now, not another baby to contend with.

[Djelibeyb]

If SS were involved but you are now away from your abusive ex they won't try to take the baby away or anything. You will still be on a list of "at risk" for a while but they will support you. Go to your gp and see if you can get an urgent referral for counselling. You need to talk this through with a professional. It will be fine.

[LeaLeander]

Abortions have no effect on future fertility, take it from me.

You have to think of your existing child, not the hypothetical one. You need to focus on helping her repair the scars of abuse and coping with her special needs.

Stop worrying about "being punished" etc. by some vague external or supernatural force. Take control of your life and shape it with an eye toward raising your daughter well.

[goddessofsmallthings]

But apart of me knows what will happen if I go through the pregnancy (eg. Social services being involved again, I will get depressed, Not giving much attention to DD's special needs)

Without knowing what previous intervention SS deemed necessary, it seems probable that continuing this pregnancy will have an adverse affect on your dd's needs and for this reason alone you should take steps to terminate it asap.

There is no need to fear that you won't be able to have more dc at a future date when you are in a loving and supportive relationship of some years' standing, but in the meantime you and your dd need a lengthy stress free period to recover from the harms caused by living in an abusive relationship/environment.

[VenusInFauxFurs]

I have no useful advice but I couldn't just read and run. for you, OP.

I hope the counselling helps. I think that both terminating the pregnancy and deciding to continue with the pregnancy are both entirely valid options. Whatever you decide to do, please keep posting. The outcome is going to be hard for you and you have already been through so much. There are so many wise and compassionate posters on MN who have survived abusive relationships, I am sure you will get the support you need here. And if you have any RL support then please use that too. Two months is no time at all post-breakup. Even an amicable one. You must be feeling very vulnerable and raw and just generally shit right now.

But you left the abusive bastard! You are stronger than you know. Very, very best wishes to you. (Unmumsnetty hug)

[Itsacoldnightday]

I'm only 22.

I'm worried that if I have this baby, his dad would want to be apart of its life ( or mine!)

I do worry about being punished, karma. I'm also worried that I won't find anyone new and have a child.

I'm more relaxed now, but it hasn't sunken in yet.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

Counselling is the right move. Whatever you want to do is the right thing to do. I expect many of us know what we would do in your shoes, but we're not in your shoes, so telling you what we would do wouldn't help you at all.

All I want to say is that there is no need at all to feel guilty if you choose abortion. As you say, you have an existing child, and also yourself, to consider. And you will absolutely not get 'punished'! It's an easy thing for me to say as a non religious person, but I don't understand that mindset. Be kind to yourself. Have you ever read Caitlin Moran's book, 'How to Be A Woman'? The chapter on abortion is well worth reading, it's a viewpoint that may bring you comfort if you choose that option.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

You are 22. You have approximately 20 more fertile years. So the future can definitely take care of itself.

All you need to consider now is the present: whether this particular pregnancy is one that you want to pursue.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

OP - you asked what people would do in your situation

I would have an abortion - for the reason that this will
Massively affect you and your DD wellbeing

I really really send you strength in this and it's such a shame this is happening when you have broken free

And it will not affect your fertility - and if anyone deserves karma it's that abusive ex of yours x

Wishing you the best whatever you decide

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

A very tough decision OP.

How will having another baby affect you financially? Housing? Etc.
How likely is it in your opinion that your ex will attempt to go to court to get PR? (If he does he can then go for contact but may not as it will definitely mean he pays maintenance.)

If he were out of the picture would you want the baby?

Do you have any evid3nce of abuse that you could use to get a non milestation order to keep him away from you?

And does he have access to DD? Does he stick to it?

Sorry for all the questions i just think thinking through some of these things might help you get to.an answer.

Also contact WA. They will have dealt with people in your situation before.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

I don't want to sound patronising, but at 22 you have sooooo much time ahead of you. My best friend is starting a new family at 40! There's no reason why you couldn't have more children in the future.

Don't worry about viewpoints you've held before. People change. I could give you many links to articles about and by hardcore pro-lifers who had no qualms about using abortion services when they themselves needed to!

The father - if you have the baby, the father will have the right to seek parent responsibility and then apply for access. Have you ever reported him for domestic abuse, or child abuse? If you have, you can qualify for legal aid. That's something our experienced posters could talk you through, if it comes to it. If social services have had involvement before, best bet is to be upfront with them and cooperate fully.

And if karma IS real, it's going to be pursuing your piece of shit ex, not a traumatized young mother who is doing the best she can in difficult circumstances. I just want to say it again - above all else, please be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Remove all moral judgments and think about what you would like. There is no wrong answer in this situation

[category12]

You're very young. You have so much time and so many opportunities in the future. For relationships, for more children. For all sorts of things. It may not seem like it now, but it's true.

[category12]

+1 to what moriarty said.

[AnyFucker]

You asked what would others do, so like some others I will give you an answer

I would terminate the pregnancy. You have done so well to get away from this abuser. Another tie to him would be a terrible mistake.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I would hope I would have the strength to do what you have done - to pick up my daughter and run. I would hope I would also have the strength to cut another tie to the man who abused me - and sadly, that would mean terminating the pregnancy.

You got together with this man when you were 15. You were a child. You need to focus on healing yourself and looking after DD. Other babies will come, when you are ready for them and if you want them.

Please keep moving forward.