I'm pregnant by abusive ex.

[Itsacoldnightday]

Hey everyone,

I've just joined on Mumsnet.

I was in an intense relationship with DD's dad for 7 years, he was very abusive and wasn't really there for DD. She has special needs.

An incident happend which made me leave DD's dad for good. It has now been two months and I'm now staying with a family friend.

But recently l have been feeling sick. I have now just found out that I'm pregnant .

I was on the pill and took it correctly, I can't understand how this can happen.

But I don't know what to do I feel numb. I've always been the person that couldn't go through with an abortion. But I'm so lost. I don't want to have this baby for selfish reasons ( e.g. DD will have a new brother or sister, we can be just the three of us and do want to have this baby). But apart of me knows what will happen if I go through the pregnancy (eg. Social services being involved again, I wil get depressed, Not giving much attention to DD's special needs).

I know I would feel guilty if I go through an abortion, what happens if I can't ever have kids. I'm now looking at other couples with young kids and I'm envious of them.

My head is all over the place, I'm
Not even making sense.

Agree with Anyfucker

How old is your daughter now?

Would that child benefit from a father like you describe?
There is your answer.
I would have an abortion too. Good luck.

Fwiw, punishment, well i am infertile and I've never done anything in my life of note.
Ive known others, horrible school bullies with a bundle of offspring

That isnt a real thing xx

Can't believe how many of you are outright telling her to get an abortion!!

The decision is yours OP. It's a horrible situation you've found yourself in so for you.

Well done for having the bravery to get yourself and your DD away from this man.

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation to you and I just want you to know that SS involvement is nothing to be frightened of (although I know so many of us are!) My friend was worried at first, but ended up really glad of their help and support. As long as SS see that you are protecting your child/ren you have nothing to worry about and your ex will find it EXTREMELY difficult to even get visitation with your child/ren given his history. My friend is 3 years in and he's not had a single visit yet despite being dragged through court etc . . . so it's obviously not an easy ride! But as stressful as my friend's situation has been she would not change her little boy for the world.

Secondly, my situation is nothing like yours, but I recently went to the termination clinic and saw a councillor. What she told me is that generally how a person copes psychologically with an abortion depends on how they felt about it and their values and belief system before they found themselves in this predicament. To some people a pregnancy is already a baby from the start, where others feel an early pregnancy is just a ball of cells. What you think and feel affects your judgement of the severity of what an abortion is. In my case, the councillor said that I did fit the profile of somebody that would have regrets and be psychologically damaged by the decision. And from what you've said I'd say you fit that profile too . . . but what you have to decide is whether that psychological damage for you would be better or worse than the alternative damage that continuing with the pregnancy might do to you and your DD.

Everybody is different OP and what is right for one will not be right for another. Sometimes there isn't even a right, things might be ok or not be ok whatever you decide to do. Unfortunately only you can make that choice which I know is hard for you to hear right now because you just want someone to be able to tell you what to do!

You have plenty of support right here if you need to talk to people who aren't emotionally connected like your family are.

Good luck OP. Will be thinking of you xxx

Nobody is telling her anything. She asked an outright question, some of us have answered in kind.

Without knowing all of the circumstances you can't advise on what SS may or may not do, Notimefortossers, and if the incident which made the OP leave her dd's father consisted of violence to herself, it's highly unlikely that he will be prevented from having contact with his dc.

It's a shame that if he was abusive for so long and 'not really there' for the DD he already has, that you were still sleeping with him up until very recently.

That shows poor judgment on your part. What was the incident that made you leave for good? I think if SS have already been involved and they know that you are newly PG again with the same man they will be all over you like a rash, and rightly so.

It's up to you. You pays your money you takes your choice.

Helpful leave, assuming that the sex was consensual.

We have no reason to think it wasn't.

Don't we? Again, she's been with him since she was 15. He was very abusive. They have a daughter she was and is desperate to protect. I'm not seeing consent stamped all over that situation. Not consent as I understand it, anyway.

Notimefortossers, the OP asked what we would do in her situation.

No, it doesn't 'show poor judgement' on her part Leave. That's a very Daily Mail attitude. She wasn't the abusive person in the relationship. We don't know the details, we don't know what she was coping with. Pertinently, we don't know what that 'incident' two months ago was, but two and two may add up to four, so maybe you could refrain from putting the boot in?

it's a very, very shitty thing to do...kicking someone when they are down

pointlessly upsetting someone (when the deed is already done) just to demonstrate how superior you are says more about you than her

No words for LeaveMyWings. No words that wouldn't be deleted for breaking the rules, anyway.

Yes it was poor judgement.

Most of the time the sex wasn't consensual. I felt like I HAD to have sex with him, if I didn't, I would be accused of seeing other men, I feared him going to hit me if I kept on refusing to have sex with him as he would get very angry that his needs weren't being met. So sex became a chore.

DD is over three and a half, going to be four soon.

Strangely, I feel happy that I'm pregnant. But sad of the situation and what the situation would be if I continue with the pregnancy. I could just picture it in my head. I think when I have the consultation this week, I'll have a clearer idea of what to do.

And no I don't mind any of you posters saying you would have an abortion if you were in my situation. I like to hear different view points.

Not a big surprise that the sex wasn't consensual

Gosh Leave, what a piece of work you are.

If you have never heard of domestic violence I suggest you go to the Women's Aid website and have a read.

Forced sex is high on the list of things women being abused feel compelled to do in order to avoid more abuse.

Your nasty catty comments say more about YOU than the OP.

And cold, just want reiterate again that if SS were involved due to domestic violence then you've taken the massive step of removing your child from that situation. Tbh if they make contact at all it'll just be to confirm that you and your child are safe.

What you do with this pregnancy is up to you alone. I am glad you are having the counselling to help you with the decision.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Don't waste any time feeling guilty if you choose to terminate this pregnancy. You won't be punished, infertility happens at any time and to anyone, it won't happen because you terminate a pregnancy.

Likewise if you choose to continue the pregnancy then get on and enjoy it as much as possible.

Go non contact with your abusive arse of an exH. Contact if he wants it can be arranged without him seeing you or speaking to you. A trusted third party will be appointed by a court if needed.

Last of all be kind to yourself in all this. You've taken a massive step forward in leaving this man. Let the future be whatever you want it to be.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I just utterly feel shit right now. The realisation that I'm pregnant has just hit me. .

Alfie if ss think that my ex and I are together, then what will happen? Just that they have had some concerns if we aren't on or not.

I had a miscarriage and I thought I was being punished, there was nothing I could do obviously. It was awfull but in your situation I would go through with a termination as I would not want to be tied to him anymore than you had to. Don't feel guilty because you would be doing it for the right reason.

How would you feel if SS got involved again and threatened to take away your baby away.

Many years ago girls were having backstreet abortions and I think that prevented some of them getting pregnant again but I doubt it nowadays.

You will go on to have other babies if you wish and hopefully in better circumstances.

Don't be ridiculous, social services are not going to take away her baby FFS.

If SS got involved and threatened to take away my DD and the baby away, I will feel devastated.

SS have supported me for many years, due to the DV between the dad and I and even though they were helpful, it was very stressful. The questions, the assessments, I was depressed, I wanted them to leave me alone.

I feel like they have given me many chances not to go back out with my ex, but I kept on going back to him. I have finally left him for good, but I think if they found out that I am pregnant by him. I fear that my DD and the baby will be under a child protection plan and sooner or later a court order to potentially remove them.

So all in all, I will feel depressed. I will love to go through with the pregnancy, seeing mothers or fathers with their new born children are persuading me a bit. But I realise that my situation is completely different from theirs.

I'd have a termination to be honest only because I wouldn't want my abusive ex to have another reason to be in touch with me. Also do you really really want a life where social services have to be involved with you and your currently unborn child?

I had a friend earlier on this year who had a verbally and emotionally abuisve on/off partner and she miscarried. Best thing for her really as it was the catalyst for the relationship to finally end and showed his true colours (he didn't want the baby, she did).

Counselling is good but don't try to be persuaded either way, it has to be your decision whichever you decide.

I would look at counselling to cover the end of the abusive relationship too, charities can help re cost. What you don't want to do is dive into another abusive relationship after this. Not saying you will or won't.

Good luck.

OP you will get pregnant again too, you are only 22 and obviously very fertile.

I would absolutely terminate. I had a termination in my late twenties and it was fine: I was not punished, I had no regrets, and then later on I met DP and had a kid.

Why make your already challenging life circumstances vastly more challenging. I'd be putting this awful man far behind me and looking forward to an abuse free future.

"If SS got involved and threatened to take away my DD and the baby away, I will feel devastated.

SS have supported me for many years, due to the DV between the dad and I and even though they were helpful, it was very stressful. The questions, the assessments, I was depressed, I wanted them to leave me alone."

The thing is, OP, you said they supported you. During all the time you and your daughter were living with your violent partner and they were monitoring you, did the ever threaten to take your daughter away? Assuming they didn't, it would make NO SENSE for them to do that now you've finished the relationship for good. He was the threat and he's gone now!

Another thing. You got pregnant before the relationship ended. It was an accident (due to contraception failure) and IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. They can't blame you for it. The main thing is that despite being pregnant, you are not going back to him.

They must have judged you to be a decent mother (albeit in a difficult and dangerous situation) otherwise they wouldn't have left your daughter in your care.

I'm not arguing either way (for or against abortion) because I feel strongly that it has to be your choice, but I would like to reassure you that whatever you do, you are more than capable of looking after your child(ren).

Please. No more kicking the OP when she's down.