Husband watches 'teenage' porn

[chloworm]

I've always known my husband watches porn online, and after chatting to my friends, know that it's something virtually all men do. But recently he's been accessing porn on a daily basis (I look on his laptop). It's not just the frequency that has made me upset, but the content. It always seems to be 'teen' this and 'teenage' that. I could probably cope if it wasn't always focused on very young women. We have a daughter and in a few years she'll be the same age as these women. He knows how strongly I feel about the exploitation of women and how young women are often preyed upon by older men who should know better. I find it repulsive and depressing. I'm starting to age, have had 2 children and my body shape couldn't be further from the cartoonish figures of the porn women. Our sex life has dwindled, but that is common when a couple has children and we both work long hours. I believe that sex in a loving marriage should be respectful and tender, and I won't do things that the porn women do...anal, weird positions...it would make me feel like a whore and I won't do it simply to 'spice things up'. This whole teenage business has totally put me off and I have zero sex drive now. My husband is so quiet and I just know he won't want to talk about it, but should I insist we do talk? Do men view this online version of sex as 'normal' and think their wives should do the weird stuff? I wish it was like the 70s when the only porn around was on the top shelf and much, much tamer!

implore other women to do the same

lol what she said ^^

(On valium after scary dental treatment- that's my excuse ;) )

There seems to be a distinct lack of basic comprehension skills on threads like these. PPs respond to things that have not been written at all. There is a recurrent theme that women who dislike porn are also anti-men, prudish and anti-sex. This is simply rubbish. I, like many other feminists, love the men in my life and have no feelings of man-hating whatsoever.

I know 100% that my DH does not watch porn. He hates it intensely and has discussed this with me on numerous occasions over 30 years. He also has no ability to use a computer and does not own a mobile phone. We are both retired so have a pretty good idea what each other are doing, without being stalkers!

As for our DSs, well that might be a different matter. They are old enough now to make their own decisions, although I have discussed the issues of porn with both of them and they are clear about my views. I just hope that they come to similar ones themselves.

heh @ avocado

Basically, it's massively one rule for one gender and another for the other. Seems some people get confused re. what feminism is all about, and it's a shame, because those who use it to simplify and dehumanise men are actively hindering the cause.

Eh - the op is concerned because her DH watches porn on a nightly basis. Do you know that the op is doing the same then? Do you have some information that she watching porn involving teenage boys every night? Otherwise, I can't get why you think its one rule for him and another for her?
Which people here are confused about what feminism is about and how are they demonstrating that confusion?
It's all very intriguing.

Theenemy

The op has stated that she is uncomfortable with her husband viewing teenagers, she has said that he is watching porn on a daily basis, she has said that it has put her off and she has raised the issue of her daughter

But ladies, it's 2015!!!

Feck, who knew!

The only comment on this thread that hits through the brain like a diamond bullet was the one about why the OPs husband is motivated in the first instance to seek out woman who are as close to the legal threshold as is possible.

A good person sets wide margins between what they can do and what they actually do in fact do. That's what defines true character.

If OP isn't happy and her own thresholds have been breached then it's her choice what to do.

Helmet: I was making a more general point, in response to 123's. It's the 'he's disgusting, sling him out' knee-jerk mentality we were discussing. You see it a lot on here, but only in relation to men.

I answered the OP's concern separately. I wouldn't like my OH looking at teenage porn either, especially given the age of the daughter. But for me, a teen-porn watcher isn't ALL this man is. He seems to have developed a problem, and his boundaries have become blurred. The OP needs to firmly remind him how low he's sunk, and give him the chance to clean up and step back from it for the sake of their marriage (and frankly, his own self respect).

Quite honestly the only reason people come up with man hating crap on threads like these is because they have a poor view of men. Being a man means you have a penis rather than a vagina. Daily porn watching, an obsession with the sexualisation of young girls, lack of ability to communicate and a lack of respect for, or interest in, your partner is not part of being a man.

Posters who come on with accusations of man hating always seem to feel that expecting a man to behave as a respectful adult person is man hating. That men are somehow entitled to expect that women accommodate and forgive men who treat them really badly, because they are men and being a bad guy is just how men are.

'For the sake of the marriage' always seems to come into it to. A marriage is to serve both people well, expecting one person to accommodate bad behaviour to keep a relationship that is not serving their basic needs for love and respect as a human being is not a good thing.

Relationships should break up when one person is being dehumanised by the other.

And of course many of the posts on here attract a LTB approach because people post on here with problems, usually problems which are pretty awful. We know that it takes a long period of abuse before someone recognises what is happening and decides to ask for help, we know there is an obsession with keeping marriages together at all costs and likewise posters know that when they come here for advice they will get responses from people who do not believe the marriage matters more than their suffering, who believe women are entitled to respect from male partners and do not have to tolerate bad treatment AND that is frequently why people post her and not anywhere else.

If you don't like the suggestion that people should leave bad relationships or you don't think something is that bad feel free to make those points yourself. Do not personally attack other posters who disagree - that just makes you look threatened and defensive and detracts from your ability to make a case for your advice. It makes it look as though you have a personal issue with people who disagree with you and are not confident in what you believe.

I worked in the sex industry. A fair few of the "over 18" girls in these videos are not. I don't give a fuck about anyone who states otherwise, ID's are faked all the time. Drugs and alcohol were commonly given to help young girls through many difficult scenes. I cannot understand how anyone can feel alright viewing films where young women are abused and exploited. Please look at your daughter's and consider how you would feel if they were in a similar situation.

Disliking a man who enjoys seeing women of any age being abused, does not make you into a man hating harpie. Not liking porn doesn't make you archaic either.

Watching Hot Girls Wanted made me feel incredibly ill - but it explains very well the reasons why many of us will never, ever condone porn or the sex industry. I think they should make older teens at school/6th form watch it.

Thank you for your post, SNF. Someone to tell us how it really is rather than how porn-defenders sanitise the inherent abuses to justify their own dodgy choices. I hope you are OK.

I love it when a man pops in to tell us " ladies " where we have gone wrong . And that our views have " no place " here.

Sounds a lot like STFU to me

Eh? I am very definitely not a man. In fact, at just gone 7 months pregnant, I've rarely felt less mannish! Here's hoping you didn't mean me.

And I do think people should leave crap relationships, especially if they are being undermined, abused etc. I just think it's good to try to salvage things first. The OP hasn't even had this out with her DH yet. Since when did 'for the sake of the marriage' become a dirty phrase? Break ups have a huge impact on kids, finances, emotional well being etc. Sure, if all else fails, it's definitely the way to go. But why bother committing to someone in the first place if you plan to bin things without even stating your objections?

For what it's worth, I see how this one could be a deal breaker, but it hugely depends on how he behaves after being challenged. Hence 123 and I calling out the poster crying LTB while the ink was still drying on the OP.

As for attacking fellow posters, I merely agreed with another poster about a general (and pretty damaging) trend on here, then was called out for not 'spelling out' who I meant. It's all a bit lose-lose, isn't it? No wonder many of those who prefer a measured discussion with a spot of nuance tend to stay away...

So strangers appearing to be in agreement on a topic are turned into a damaging trend.............oh gee thanks!

Finishing off the point with a dash of condescending because we happen to find teenage porn distasteful and unnecessary.

Point I was making was I don't think I would really be in the mood for having a discussion with a partner that was spending his time daily looking at this kind of porn, I mean, spell it out to him, really........nah.

I'd rather be with a partner where I don't have to challenge him on his ethics, his morals or his feelings towards his own daughter and pornography, not really a trend, just a personal conscience.

It isn't break ups which damage kids though it's conflict and poor relationships.

Break ups usually involve conflict and poor relationships - they are usually an identifiable source of said conflict. However staying in a poor relationship is at least as damaging, if not more damaging to kids IMO.

For the sake of the marriage is a very poor idea. Marriage itself is not a good thing. A stable, loving and respectful relationship is the good thing. If you don't have that there is no sense staying in a marriage for the sake of, what is essentially a contractual agreement to share property.

Wheresmyburrito & Cosietoezie I watched Hot Girls Wanted last night - thanks for the recommendation. It was gripping and shocking. They seemed so confident and in control at the beginning and then it slowly got worse and worse. Heartbreaking.

I completely agree with you, SteelyMindedLiberal, about The Poster You Are Referencing. She is nasty, goady and has very, very little to say in support of other women (which is what MN is supposed to be about, right?) I always read her posts and think 'My goodness, this woman is unhappy'.

...but a man who is watching 'teenagers' in porn is fantasising about having sex with children. I cannot see an argument that could possibly refute that.

SteelyMindedLiberal "Since when did 'for the sake of the marriage' become a dirty phrase?"

well, that's an interesting question. in the context of the OP, for me the point would be that my partner wanted to watch that. I suppose there's some grounds for them getting an education, but if they have never stopped to think about what's involved in "teen" porn, then I'd wonder what I was doing with them anyway.

outside the context of this thread - I've always hated that phrase because it's implying that the marriage is somehow a separate entity in itself and frankly, giving it too much importance. I guess I can see that someone might want to be a little tidier for the sake of "their marriage" but this is major major dealbreaking stuff, so extra important to remember that "the marriage" is not an entity that is more important than the happiness of the people in the marriage.

OP, re your point about how you wish porn was just 70s top shelf stuff - I so know what you mean. But I guess one thing is that some men are showing true colours in their likings now ...?

Agree you shouldn't flog a miserable dead horse of a marriage just for the sake of it. Obvs. I suppose I mean the shared history, public commitment and children together stuff means you at least read the riot act and give your partner a chance to clean up his act before pulling the plug.

I'm not sure mine is an especially radical view.

Still, I'm now a porn apologist justifying my own 'dodgy choices'. And a man. Really? Seriously, AF, you're like an angry wasp, buzzing endlessly through these boards plunging your sting into anyone who disagrees with you (and of course any man mentioned). I agree with LoveAndHate - you don't come across as especially happy or fulfilled.

Jan45 and Offred: I've already said I think this one could be a dealbreaker, but that the OP should talk to him first. That's been my stance all along.

And break ups DO fuck up kids. Sometimes they're better for all involved (kids included) obviously. But I think you should probably have it out with the person you committed to, had kids with etc first. Try a bit, work a bit. Expect him to work a lot, given he's massively fucked up. That sort of thing. Again, not an especially out-there view...!

Yeah, they do. But if you are at the point where it is break up or work on it, your kids are getting messed up already. You make the decision that is best for you and the kids not 'for the sake of the marriage'.