Husband watches 'teenage' porn

[chloworm]

I've always known my husband watches porn online, and after chatting to my friends, know that it's something virtually all men do. But recently he's been accessing porn on a daily basis (I look on his laptop). It's not just the frequency that has made me upset, but the content. It always seems to be 'teen' this and 'teenage' that. I could probably cope if it wasn't always focused on very young women. We have a daughter and in a few years she'll be the same age as these women. He knows how strongly I feel about the exploitation of women and how young women are often preyed upon by older men who should know better. I find it repulsive and depressing. I'm starting to age, have had 2 children and my body shape couldn't be further from the cartoonish figures of the porn women. Our sex life has dwindled, but that is common when a couple has children and we both work long hours. I believe that sex in a loving marriage should be respectful and tender, and I won't do things that the porn women do...anal, weird positions...it would make me feel like a whore and I won't do it simply to 'spice things up'. This whole teenage business has totally put me off and I have zero sex drive now. My husband is so quiet and I just know he won't want to talk about it, but should I insist we do talk? Do men view this online version of sex as 'normal' and think their wives should do the weird stuff? I wish it was like the 70s when the only porn around was on the top shelf and much, much tamer!

From the article I suspect you meant to link there, LoveAndHate:

"More than half (56 per cent) of Britons watch online pornography at least occasionally and 15 per cent do so on a regular basis. However, there is a disparity between the sexes, with 76 per cent of men watching pornography on the internet, compared with just 36 per cent of women.

The tables are turned when it comes to reading erotica, including the likes of best-selling trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey. While 53 per cent of women read erotica at least occasionally, only 32 per cent of men can say the same."

I would politely suggest that you selected and presented that quote in a way that misrepresents what it is saying. The 76 per cent is in relation to where men watch porn on the occasions they do. It does not suggest that 76 per cent of men watch porn regularly (indeed, that the same study says that 15 per cent of the population do so would imply that that is unlikely).

Ah. I get your drift. What about the 1 in 3 women then? What do you make of it?

LaH, it doesn't mean 36% of all women though, does it? It's 36% of the 56%, so actually much closer to 1 in 5.

..if only it were true that only 15% of men regularly watch porn.

Burrito, I don't think so

1 in 3 of 3000 18 - 34 y/o (claimed) respondents to a survey by Marie claire magazine...

But equally we don't really know.

Some people don't care about porn, some people like it, some love it, some dislike, some abhore it. Leaving is for when you are not being respected e.g. When 'he knows how I feel about it', he's doing it anyway and hiding it' and 'I know he won't talk about it'.

If people want to leave over it, they can though, even if every man was obsessively wanking all day and all night every woman would still be entitled to say 'I won't put up with that'. Something being common doesn't mean you have to forcibly shove your feelings aside and put up with your boundaries being trampled on.

*wanking over porn

I completely agree, Offred; I think I'm just becoming more aware that these stats (yes, I know Marie Claire is not exactly an academic survey) demonstrate that this discussion is no longer just about stupid, seedy, inadequate men. What the hell are 30% of 18-34 year-old Marie Claire readers playing at, regularly accessing porn? Alone? And are some of them here, on Mumsnet, telling other women in Relationships to 'leave the bastard'??

Love and hate, you think it's terrifying that the op watches teenage porn yet you clearly have a huge problem with women leaving men.
How very...confused you are.

Ops dh that should say.

You're missing my point. Men watching teenage porn can never be right. As far as I'm concerned a man who fantasises about shagging children is a paedophile. At the same time, however, that we are telling women to LTB (and I'm not talking about the OPs much more serious situation here) there are a third of 'em wanking over porn themselves

We need a new discussion, that is my point.

Well this is a thread about the op.

Her dh is - in your words- doing something terrifying - and yet you're using this thread as a platform to slag off posters you dislike.

If you are interested though there is a thread about that survey somewhere which shows you'd have to be really thick to read it as one third of women regularly use porn.

I've addressed the OP several times and this is still her thread. Discussions like this one naturally evolve but seeing as you are the self-appointed thread monitor perhaps you would like to explain why you are attempting to reignite yesterday's short discussion about a certain person's posting style.

And my 22.36 post of yesterday contains a link that you will find is unequivocal in its findings.

You've posted a link to the Marie Clare survey again. It's not unequivocal in its findings. Do you understand statistics?

I just don't understand what you are trying to say.
You are in broad agreement with many on this thread that the Op's DH has an issue. You seem to think this is serious and she should leave him.

Yet, you also want to condemn posters who - have done the same as you - and suggested OP leaves.

Now, you want to suggest that those same posters who suggest that the op can leave are the same 'one in three who watch porn' from a survey in Marie Clare magazine. And you have a problem with that?

Have I got that right?

I don't think we need a new discussion. There is no discussion to be had about someone's personal boundaries. No matter how unreasonable, prejudiced, unlikely personal boundaries are they are not something other people get to discuss.

Porn watching being a dealbreaker is not unusual or unreasonable though so apart from the more salient point above, there is no need to have a new discussion on that basis either.

I mean really hiding porn is usually justified by 'the Mrs would go mental if she found out so I had to lie' it's the people who believe that who need to be having a 'new discussion' about how to select a partner and how to behave respectfully towards a partner not women who need to be discussing ways they can accommodate disrespect from a partner.

The Marie claire survey is total bullshit but even if it were true the respondents are saying they do not have an issue with porn. They are not the same women who are saying they do have an issue with porn and they are therefore totally irrelevant to the whole thing.

Are you suggesting Marie Claire lied about one in three 18-34 year-old women using porn in their survey?

God forbid, a glossy mag may be bending the truth to encourage a more salacious audience and response....

Myself and none of my girl friends use porn in our every day lives.

The old 1 in 3 line lives on...

OMG loveandhate nobody's suggesting they're lying - they could be but really it is totally irrelevant to the fact that the op does not like porn why is it sooo hard for you to grasp? What was the result of the survey? 30% of women surveyed?(I'm not sure how many they surveyed) and you think that's representative of the female population of the uk? Anyway, it's really irrelevant - 1 in 5 .. Really isn't That many. If you want to argue from a statistical perspective, if 65% of men use porn daily and 30% of women use porn once or twice weekly I don't think we need to go back to school to conclude what sex supposedly uses porn the most.
Unless you're desperately trying to prove a point (and failing miserably) why you're trying to prove it I have no idea ..
I feel sorry for the op, who only came on here for advice, and yet again it's turned into a bunfight.

I'm still trying to figure out how these daily porn users find the time in their day..... Get a job, perhaps?

Why did you tell me to read your link about the Marie Claire survey telling me that is "unequivocal in its findings" when you had already dismissed the Marie Claire survey as "not very academic?"

Which is it then?

You seem to be struggling with basic comprehension skills.

I am not suggesting that Marie Claire lied about their results.

I am suggesting that you can't extrapolate the results of a 'not very academic' survey of 3000 participants who self-selected, where there is a great deal of confusion over whether porn includes erotic literature or not, where the age range is from only 18-34 - to 'this means one in three women use porn.'

I also fail to see why you think that renders them/anyone able to give relationship advice.

But I don't think you really understand anything you are saying anyway.

It's becoming rather fashionable across Mumsnet, I see, to mock other women as lacking in comprehension. Very sisterly of you all. I am not a statistician, but I would have thought the Marie Claire survey was pretty representative of your average middle class woman, if not glitteringly academic. It's clear to me that plenty of women - articulate and educated - are using porn in Britain. Not as many as men, but plenty.

The relevance here, to this thread, is that this fact somewhat obfuscates the argument that LTB is always great advice. In the OP's situation, I certainly would LTB because I believe there to be degrees of porn and fetishes for teen filth is unacceptable and crosses a line. I'm not going to get into a debate about my use of 'degrees of porn' either; you know what I mean.

I'm leaving the discussion as the disingenuity is irritating. Plenty of women, it seems, are using porn and will continue to excuse the likes of the OPs husband because of it. Those of you who repeatedly holler 'LTB' are doing yourselves no favours by dismissing surveys such as the Marie Claire example as irrelevant, despite them not being steeped in academia.

Myself and none of my girl friends use porn in our every day lives.

If we can't rely on Marie Claire's findings I'm certainly not going to draw any conclusions from yours

Myself and none of my girl friends use porn in our every day lives

How the hell do you know this? You can't, you just simply don't know that.

People have secret lives. Trust me. I have one.