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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband watches 'teenage' porn

219 replies

chloworm · 18/10/2015 21:14

I've always known my husband watches porn online, and after chatting to my friends, know that it's something virtually all men do. But recently he's been accessing porn on a daily basis (I look on his laptop). It's not just the frequency that has made me upset, but the content. It always seems to be 'teen' this and 'teenage' that. I could probably cope if it wasn't always focused on very young women. We have a daughter and in a few years she'll be the same age as these women. He knows how strongly I feel about the exploitation of women and how young women are often preyed upon by older men who should know better. I find it repulsive and depressing. I'm starting to age, have had 2 children and my body shape couldn't be further from the cartoonish figures of the porn women. Our sex life has dwindled, but that is common when a couple has children and we both work long hours. I believe that sex in a loving marriage should be respectful and tender, and I won't do things that the porn women do...anal, weird positions...it would make me feel like a whore and I won't do it simply to 'spice things up'. This whole teenage business has totally put me off and I have zero sex drive now. My husband is so quiet and I just know he won't want to talk about it, but should I insist we do talk? Do men view this online version of sex as 'normal' and think their wives should do the weird stuff? I wish it was like the 70s when the only porn around was on the top shelf and much, much tamer!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 20/10/2015 17:11

Ok then, he's clearly not meaning to find teenage porn when typing that in the search tool............Confused

Are you the OPs OH, you seem to have assumed a lot about him, I think we can safely assume by the title thread he's looking for young girls.

I too don't understand how some folk can't accept that that not all men watch porn, it's really not that fucken amazing to watch a video that's so far removed from reality, it's usually laughable and in most cases abusive. You must have a very poor estimation of men.

The views here Lurker are ordinary peeps that don't even know each other, we are not in a band that has clubbed together to hate all porn users. We are also talking here about a specific type of porn which usually involves under age girls.

Any argument you had lost me when you started with this:

"The point is that in the porn world online "teen" does not mean "teenage" it means "slim, svelte"

So I find you are definitely ill informed but you carry on laughing at my view.....best we agree to disagree.

LurkingOne · 20/10/2015 17:13

Good luck OP, I hope things work out to your benefit however it plays out.

Not staying to argue with someone who appears to have the reading comprehension of my 6 yo

Jan45 · 20/10/2015 17:14

Oh and now the personal insults, priceless, jog on.

Shockers · 20/10/2015 17:21

How will you (and he) feel when your DD reaches that age and your house is filled with her teenage friends?

It's quite revolting. Many men might find younger women attractive, but acting upon it via porn (or otherwise ) is grim.

molyholy · 20/10/2015 17:22

So basically if a man tells his partner he doesn't look at porn, he is a liar. Is this your view of men in general?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 20/10/2015 17:29

molyholy I think that's exactly what she's saying. Tbh, I used to think the same, as all the guys I had been with watched it, but my DH doesn't, so that has changed my view. I actually don't have a problem with porn, but I would have a big problem with the Teen element. And the OP's DP is watching it every day! Who has the fecking time?

LurcioAgain · 20/10/2015 17:30

All men use porn... if a poor bloke searches for teen porn, that's okay 'cos the poor fool, uncontrollably tossed around on a sea of raging hormones meant "svelte" really but presumably lost the ability to use the English language when he got a boner?

Fuck that! And people say it's feminists who have a low opinion of men! I've known many men who say they don't use porn (including men I was not in a relationship with but was friends with - so presumably were not lying to me "to stop 'er indoors going off on one").

Topsy44 · 21/10/2015 11:50

Really sorry to hear that your OH has developed an addiction to teen porn. If you can, try and get a copy of The Porn Trap, you can order it on Amazon. Read it first and then find a time to talk to your husband when it's just the two of you.

He does have a problem if he's watching it every day and it won't go away on its own. It will impact your relationship in an incredibly negative way.

Please know none of this is your fault and good luck with whatever you decide on whether to stay with him or not.

DrDreReturns · 21/10/2015 14:06

I'm sure I read somewhere that it's illegal to watch porn in which the models are 18 or over but are dressed up to look like under age characters is illegal. I may be wrong though, it was a while ago.

DrDreReturns · 21/10/2015 14:06

Sorry, my sentence was a bit garbled.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 21/10/2015 15:06

Just chipping in to add: I have several close male friends, and though some do watch porn, those that do (and we have spoken frankly, and I trust they are telling the truth) are turned off by stuff like young girls and rape scenarios. The others are just left cold by it. And yes, possibly my friends are not the most representative, but I do disagree that 'most men watch porn'. Most probably have, but they don't necessarily all enjoy it.

I'm more worried about younger generations though: I still remember my niece (now 22) coming home from her first day at secondary school, and telling me how some boy had shown her anal porn on his phone. Boak.
It does seem to be more expected of boys that they should watch and enjoy hardcore manky stuff if they are 'red blooded'. Not. Healthy.

WheresMyBurrito · 21/10/2015 16:25

DrDre I believe you're right. Just like how drawings or cartoons of minors engaging in sexual activity are illegal as well.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/10/2015 16:25

The suggestion from this thread that the majority of men don't ever watch / use

Sorry, who has issues with reading comprehension here?

More than 50% of adult males have watched porn, I'd be stunned if it was lower

And this was in a post after someone already drew attention to the distinction between 'have watched' and 'watch'. I'm not sure I recall anyone claiming their DP/DH had never watched any porn, actually.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/10/2015 16:32

I thought that too smilia.

How funny that someone who is unable or unwilling to distinguish between 'have watched' and 'watch' should be so condescending.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2015 17:41

I am massively opposed to porn

I have watched it. Absolutely no one is saying they never have or their menfold never have.

In fact, I would give little credence to someone expressing a strong opinion about something they have no experience of.

TheEnemy123 · 21/10/2015 18:25

Honestly, some of you ladies on here scare the hell out of me. It's 2015. Your archaic anti-porn and man hating views have absolutely no place in an adult discussion.

Some of you seem to really hate men. It's like women never do anything wrong! I mean really, some of you would leave a bloke and break up a family because he watches a bit of porn? Really?

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with watching legal porn. It's OK. Millions of people around the globe do it. When it becomes a substitute for having sex with your partner, that's when it has become a problem.

Secondly, when posters come on here looking for help/reassurance, do you really think it helps when the guy's "habit" has been blown up into the worst thing in the world and the OP is being told she needs to leave him within 3 posts?!

Thirdly, the OP's hubby is going to become a danger to his daughter because he's been watching teen porn? Have you heard yourselves?! So by that rationale, everyone who plays video games will be going out into the streets to recreate them any minute now! Anyone who enjoys horror movies is just sharpening up their knives, waiting for Halloween!

Come on, get real!

I fully expect a bucket load of abuse for this post but you know what, it's worth it. If it makes just one of you take a step back and have a think about things then that's awesome. To the OP, there's nothing wrong with you being concerned. But please, just talk to your husband before you let people on here convince you he's some kind of monster. I wish you all the best.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 21/10/2015 18:32

The enemy I couldn't agree more with your comments.

I do however remember finding that my ex had been watching teen porn and bottling it up for ages but it really disturbed me as he was a doctor and I felt in a position of trust.

I held in my worries about it then eventually just ended the relationship with him because I couldn't feel comfortable with it.

Everyone has the right to act on what makes them feel unhappy/ uncomfortable.

My husband has shown me the kind of porn he watches and enjoys and it really shows how much respect for women he has and how he sees sex as a playful activity between 2 consenting - empowered adults and that's why he's my husband.

You just have to sexually compatible and I am not compatible with someone who finds teenagers a turn on- they're gross!

Helmetbymidnight · 21/10/2015 18:35

C'mon! It's 2015! Every husband and father has the right to watch teens - of unknown provenance - be fucked nightly in his family home.

Jan45 · 21/10/2015 18:36

Enemy, do you really think so many strangers who share the same view are men haters, hardly likely when most are in relationships with men.

Again, you can't grasp the concept that not all men are watching porn, did you get that, watching, not watched.

Any man I was with who was pleasing himself watching under age girls being hammered right left and centre wouldn't be a man I would be up for discussing the rights and wrongs of why he is doing this on a daily basis, especially with having a young daughter.

It's a shame you can't see two sides of the coin and we are men haters because we like to be with men who don't spend their time daily watching such shite.

But you are of course entitled to assume whatever you want about me, even though I can categorically state I am no man hater, far from it. I just have a bit more class and so does my OH.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2015 18:38

123 I don't give a shit what you think. So I guess the feeling is mutual.

SteelyMindedLiberal · 21/10/2015 19:04

@123 some folk on here are rabid men haters and scream 'leave the bastard!' at EVERY single question asked or dilemma posited. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so damaging for the people posting.

It's really predictable, too. Some posters, I see their name and before I've even read their post I know exactly what it will say. Same posters are invariably rude to anyone who disagrees with them yet seem to enjoy some sort of cult status among the more easily led on here. It's depressing.

OP: I would def discuss this with your OH, esp in light of your soon to be teenage daughter. It's affecting your relationship, so it's become dangerous. Yes he'll be mortified, and possibly peeved you snooped, but you owe it to your marriage and family life to give him the chance to explain himself and try to stop. Or at least curb it. Every day certainly sounds excessive!

AnyFucker · 21/10/2015 19:16

Own your insults, SML.

All this "some posters that", "some posters this". It's puerile and cowardly. Have the balls to say exactly who and what you mean and watch out who you are slagging off. I don't give a toss what you say, but others may not like being lumped as a group of "easily led" and would find it offensive.

SteelyMindedLiberal · 21/10/2015 19:24

I hardly need to spell it out, do I?

Anyway, you're not the only one. You're the worst, for sure, utterly predictable and aggressive almost to the point of abuse. But there are plenty of others in your camp.

Basically, it's massively one rule for one gender and another for the other. Seems some people get confused re. what feminism is all about, and it's a shame, because those who use it to simplify and dehumanise men are actively hindering the cause.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2015 19:25

It would be better if you did "spell it out". Passive aggressive digs say more about you than they do about me.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 21/10/2015 19:27

It's quite good to have people who polarise things because sometimes you need that when you're asking for advice.
I have found AF very helpful over the years (4 years ago her advice along with others saved me from continuing in a pretty shite relationship) and I don't find her to be LTB every time, she just won't take shit in her relationships and seems to deplore other women to do the same.