DRY 9!!!!!

[CheesyNachos]

The DRY 8 thread suddenly came to an end! 1000 messages before we knew it.

THis is the thread for those who are abstaining and who want to abstain from alcohol. :)

All are welcome.

Previous thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2432985-DRY-8?

Hi everyone.

Glad court went well teapot. Your ex sounds a charmer!

Still not managed to stay dry here. I have been thinking about it so much, and I can't see a way out. I love DP, but when we are drinking I don't like him. I have been thinking about how I never went on work nights out etc when I still worked (SAHM now) as I didn't trust him not to get smashed with DS1 in the house, because when he gets really drunk he falls asleep and nothing will wake him. I have limited my life so much, and the DSs too (although especially DS1's) because of the booze. I have got progressively more down and defeated and thought fuck it, and drank too much, and now I can't stop. He is a lovely dad to DS2, but quite harsh with DS1 a lot of the time, and it's hard. DS1 is challenging, to say the least, but DP should be working with me, not getting pissed and sulking and generally being an arse. I just want him to be the lovely DP that I know he is underneath the booze. I don't want to break up our home. I've done that once before with exH. My life is truly shit, and I can't see any way to change it.

Sorry for rambling. I just need to get it out of my head. It's all such a mess.

Sober waves to all.

TeapotD - I will be thinking of you tonight and sending strength. I was at a v. trendy place in Shoreditch so totally know where you are coming from. Chose to drive - always a good decision and easier to explain the soft drinks if hassled challenged. Only stayed an hour and a half, but was glad I'd shown my face. I think important not to feel bad about leaving early if that feels right. I told DH that he could stay as late as he wanted, but if he wanted a lift home he'd have to leave when I did which he is totally fine with. He is just so happy I'm not the appalling lush of a wife I used to be. Not easy - and I did slightly wish I could 'join in', but I know where it would lead so just NO. Spoke to a tipsy woman who was going on about when she doesn't do proper reading to her 6 year old at bedtime as she's already been at the wine. I am so glad that's not me anymore….. Feel for you with all the court hell. You must be having to dig very deep. V. impressed with your strength. Thank God you are doing it sober.

Must dig out link to Hip Sobriety - sounds interesting.

Glad court went well Teapot.

I reallylike the Hip Sobriety blog - she has a good post about how not drinking makes you more attractive physically......I found it inspiring!

Thanks all. BOING yes, thank God I'm doing it sober. He was one of my inspirations to stop actually because if he could have used it against me, he would have done (he's shown he'll stoop to anything) so it was a real relief to just cut it out. Glad your evening was okay.

Bam unMNy hugs to you my love. I didn't want to break up my family either (who ever does?) but I can tell you that along with whatever issues having done that brings, there is a huge sense of relief at being in control of my own life now. Well, mostly... I recently compared life with exH as like being strapped onto a rollercoaster ride and not being allowed to get off. For ten years. I never wanted a rollercoaster, I just want a normal life that has me at the helm or at least jointly with another person who wants a normal life. There is a saying "nothing changes if nothing changes" and I do wonder whether a period apart at least is what's needed to give you best chance of sobriety and with that, the opportunity to think clearly about what is best for you and your boys. Your DP needs to sober up for himself, and because HE'S sick of being a drunk waste of space. You cannot fix him.

Hello all, loads of interesting recent conversation. I haven't been very well this last couple of days but have been reading it all.

Thank you Teapot for your rant and the links. It has given me a lot to think about. I think that will be my biggest battle, to change my perception of drinking. I am actually really grumpy about it at the moment. Annoyed that I can't drink like other people. I guess this is a stage I have to go through. I think reading the blogs will really help me. I am glad that the court went well. It sounds like you have had a lot of stress and are doing really well.

Bam I am sorry that you are having to deal with so much. It sounds like you have a lot of emotions surrounding drinking. I do think you have to separate your drinking from your DPs. You can only deal with your own problems. It sounds like that is going to be really difficult while your DP is drinking. I would be finding this enormously difficult if my DH was also having problems with drinking.

Well done on Day 3 Jam I too find the weekend much more difficult. I think you are on the right track by breaking the routine. I have also built in lots of treats - I think I have spoken a lot about my new addiction to chocolate I have also invested in a new cleanser and moisturiser and have made a new ritual of doing this before bedtime. I think my skin is looking so much better now which helps. I gave up smoking and sun bathing for vanity reasons so am tapping into the vain side of my personality!

for everyone

teapot

It's all a mess. I know deep down that it needs to change or else our relationship has to end, but the thought of that makes me feel just numb with terror. It breaks my heart that he might love booze more than me. I had a dad like that, and I can't believe I have fallen into the same trap. I don't have any friends I can talk to (apart from on here), and I can't talk to my lovely mum as it would kill her to think I have turned to drink like my dad. It's all too painful. That's why I blot it out with booze.

Rainy I can thoroughly recommend both Jason Vale and Allen Carr's books about stopping drinking in terms of making you change your mindset.

Bam if we had a Dad who drank we often unconsciously recreate that in our own relationship choices because it's what we know, however damaging and dysfunctional it might be. There is no shame in that and at least you are beginning to recognise it That is the hardest part and for me it became about doing things differently for my children to stop the inter-generational transmission of the issue as much as I could.
Teapot happy to hear the courts are standing up for you and things are moving forward :)

My dad abused alcohol too, he died at 60

I don't think he loved booze any more than he loved me and my mum - he tried so hard not to drink. By the same token, I don't love booze more than I love my daughter. I also don't think there are many alcoholics who "love" alcohol.

Bam appreciate this may not be the case with your own father.

Rainy your comment a couple of days ago about going to bed with a perfectly cleansed face really struck a chord with me. I would more often than not pass out in bed with my make-up on and would hate taking it off in the morning as it just added to the whole hangover feeling of shame and guilt. Tomorrow will be the 3rd morning in a row I too will wake up with a clean face

For everyone who is trying for an AF weekend

to everyone who's having a tough time.

I'm hanging on in there this evening, trying for a first booze-free Friday night in months. I am very pleased to have reached Day 6.

My boss turned up today with a bottle of wine & some chocs for me, as a thank you for my hard work . Of course I smiled & said thanks, but I'd rather he kept the sodding wine & paid me a bit better

The bottle is now sitting in the fridge, tormenting me. I am choosing to ignore it.

Armada I hope you have managed to resist temptation.

I really feel for you Bam. You seem to be stuck in a never-ending circle My dad abused alcohol too. We can't change our pasts, but we can change our future and the future of our children.

Hope everyone is having a lovely af evening.

Yes Seabiscotti I have. I'm sitting here with a nice bottle of AF beer & no cravings at all.

That's brilliant Armada

Funny but sad it rings a bit true ginger :) Maybe that's one of the reasons church goers appeal to me now, they are the few people I now know that don't go out and get drunk.

So happy court went well for you Teapot.

Yes with the clean face and clean teeth. I drank red wine and quite frequently would pass out only to wake up the next day with stained teeth and lips. Yuck.

Bam, my heart really goes out to you. Is there any way you can both gain a bit of space from each other? Could you stay with your mum or him go somewhere for a little while, not to break up just to get started individually?

Personally I would chuck the wine or freeze it to use for cooking Armada, I couldn't have it in the house tempting me. Day 6 is fab, well done.

Keep going everyone and here's to a sober, peaceful weekend.

Yes Armada get that wine out of the fridge! Even at 15 months in, a bottle of decent white in the fridge is one thing I don't feel comfortable about.

Just back from my oh-so-fashionable night out in Peckham. Cocktails named after eg. characters from Eastenders and served out of giant teapots into teacups while a DJ played music. God I'm such an old gimmer Had a good time, primarily because we could chat. But at about 10.30 the drunkenness quotient was rising and people were starting to cut dodgy dancing shapes amongst the kitsch paraphernalia and I made my sharp exit.

Relaxing weekend ahead for me. Bliss.

OK, OK, I agree the wine has to go - it's Prosecco, so sadly I can't really freeze it or cook with it. My thinking was that if it's in the fridge & I don't touch it I'll feel like I'm winning, IYSWIM, but that's a bit daft really isn't it? I'll ask DH to hide it.

Glad you had a nice evening Teapot.

Hello everyone.
Sorry haven't been around for a while.
New job is going really well, Im so happy and the stress of my old job has just evaporated.

Still AF
Ive lost a considerable amount of weight and am exercising again .

Keep going all those who are struggling
Bam sorry you are having a shitty time ,it must be so tough xx

Hi everyone. Thank you for your support. I am currently out with DS1 at his activity and stressing as I know DP has been drinking and he has DS2 at home. This is exactly what I meant about feeling trapped. I feel I can't take my time as I need to get home and make sure everything is okay.

Lucy he reminds me very much of my dad. At first I thought it was just the good bits though. He died at just 55.

Sorry I am so self-absorbed just now. You are all so lovely. It's just that even though I am still drinking I am getting a real clarity that my life needs to change.

That is fantastic Pony

Bam I think you need time apart from DP to focus on yourself and your children.

Wishing you strength Bam. It sounds trite I know but all of this is part of the journey; "if you're going through hell, keep going". My dad was/is an alcoholic too but unbelievably still in denial and still drinking.

What time does DP start drinking on a Saturday?

Bam I've only been on this thread for a few days, but it was one of your posts that led to me joining, so thank you

Jam I wish you every success and am glad you found this thread.

DP is now passed out on the couch. He thankfully was still awake when we got home and DS2 is fine. He was very drunk though, and it's not good enough. No point speaking to him until morning but I need to make it clear that this changes. I mean it this time.

To my shame, I have a drink, and I want to respect the no drink rule of this thread, but I just wanted to update.

Bam

Think I may have to stop watching X factor. It is just too painful to watch. It feels like it has been on for hours.

Bam I'm concerned for your son. I'm so glad he's okay. DP's behaviour is not okay and I know you know that.

I hesitate to post this, but last week I read a post from one of the founders of the Bubble Hour. She has a friend who is now just 6 months sober, but whose baby died in her care whilst she was drunk, in blackout, at home with her 3 year old and baby with her husband on a night shift. The three year old has now been taken out of their care and the husband is filing for divorce. She sees her 3 year old supervised for two hours every other day. Her world has shattered into a million tiny pieces and the woman posting it wrote not in judgment, but in knowing that this could have been her, because like thousands of other parents day in day out, she also put her children at risk by drinking to excess whilst they were in her care. Her friend's story has made her realise that this devastating outcome could have happened to her, or to any one of us.

Morning to anyone that's up and strength for the new day
Day one again for me after a dry October turned into a decidedly wet November
I am nit giving up and taking encouragement Fri the success not the lapses