Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

[hedleylamarre]

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

Better to tell her now at the start than try to find a way to say it a year down the line. If you see a future together it's better to be upfront now I'd say.

Just tell her. Cheating is cheating regardless. Trust is trust regardless.

Just tell her much the same way you'd say you are a vegetarian or whatever, don't make a big deal out of it. Don't conflate your bisexuality with her trust issues. If she trusts you then she trusts you, if she doesn't then there are far bigger issues (in the relationship) than your bisexuality.

you just have to come out with it. Tell her that youve got something to tell her that you feel a bit awkward about

Do some people get disturbed at the thought of going out with someone who (to put it crudely) has done it with members of the same sex? My previous artner was a liberal and vocally in support of gay rights, yet when she found out she was actually going out with a bisexual, she freaked out and said she was worried I'd stray and that she could never be enough for me. This was despite the fact that I told her many times that being attracted to another man would be no different to being attracted to another woman- it happens, but I'd never compromise a monogamous relationship. She then said she'd never agree to an polyamorous relationship, despite the fact that I hadn't even brought that up. She was the first romantic partner I'd told about it, and she didn't handle it well. Would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?

When you say "fast forward 2 years", it's not clear if you've been seeing your GF for 2 years, or whether you were single for while and this relationship is new? Something like this should be revealed at the very start of a relationship. Otherwise, you allow the other person to get emotionally invested before dropping (what may be) a huge bombshell on them. Personally, it would be a massive deal breaker for me. I could be wrong, but I think most women like to think of their man as being manly, and that does not include him ever having had sex with another man!

I'm bisexual and have had both sex long term relationships- for none of which my sexuality was a deal breaker. I cant think of any reason why it should be.

For reference we'be been seeing each other 5 months, though things have stepped up in the last two
ILiveAttheBeach Whilst I thank you for your candour, I take issue with the implication that men who have sex with men are not 'manly' for two conflicting reasons: the first is the perpetuation of the stereotype that gay men are somehow lesser men than there straight brethren, the second is that there are plenty of non-straight men who are more 'manly' (whatever that is) than straight men- someone I used to work with (in an occupation that most would deem 'manly') was gay, and he was by far the bravest man I ever knew.

Just tell her in a matter of fact way, preferably when it comes up naturally (i.e. talking about your pasts or an incident which involved a previous s/s partner).

I'm astounded at ILive and her declaration that most women would find it a deal breaker and her completely ridiculous idea that gay men aren't "manly" I wouldn't view it as a deal breaker and I don't think many non-homophobic women would either.

Just tell her.

If she has an issue with it, the problem lies with her. Bisexual and Queer men aren't manly? What kind of homophobic crap is that?

For what it is worth, my OH is Bisexual and it has never been an issue. He also played rugby at county and university level for many years, spent some time in the military and also does a couple of martial arts. Manly enough? Or does the magical power of the penis overwhelm all it touches?

OP - I really hope she'll be fine. Reassure her you aren't asking for an open relationship, she's the one you want to be with and I think any decent woman would be OK with it.

If you intend to stay faithful I can't see what difference bisexual makes at all.
All I really use that word for now I'm a female married to a male is when a form asks me what sexuality I am I'm honest.

Whilst it is tempting to keep Schtum about your sexuality as a bisexual person in order to avoid discrimination it's not a sensible plan. Yes prejudice against bisexual people is extremelt common, particularly against bisexual men. There is research whicj found people rated bisexual people lower in their estimations than any other group apart from intravenous drug users.

Keeping it from partners however will create deceit. It's a highly unpleasant and deeply unfair situation for you to be in but IME the only way to deal with it with partners is to be honest and try to accept that if they have an issue with it they have issues. Not you.

I empathise. I came off mumsnet after a thread about bisexuality not so long ago and am heartened by the majority response so far on this thread.

The sad fact really IME is that most people have some sort of issue with it, whether they sexualise and objectify you or become insecure or simply hateful. It shouldn't be relevant and people's reactions are unreasonable but the fact is no matter how unreasonable and discriminatory people's deal breakers etc are they still have to be respected or the relationship isn't worth it.

I think I've probably had more partners who've admitted to bisexual tendencies than ones that haven't. I tend to think that's probably because a) it's remarkably common and b) they realised from our general conversations that it wouldn't be an issue for me. Many have said that it's not something they normally admit to partners for fear of the reaction.

And I have seen a lot of terrible reactions from women here on MN and many say it would be a dealbreaker for them (although they seem to find it hard to articulate exactly why).

So, in your shoes, I would try to gauge the likely reaction from vague conversations around the subject and either tell or keep quiet accordingly.

Thank you to all who've responded so far.

In my experience, there is a lot of prejudice directed towards bisexual people, especially from (forgive me for using crude categories) middle class people who would regard themselves as 'enlightened'. It isn't the same discrimination that LGBT people used to face, and still do around the world, and it isn't open (that is they aren't explicitly excluded or legislated against), but it takes the form of throwaway remarks like the one above, or comments such as 'bisexuals are greedy/promiscuous/perverted'.
Not major attacks in the grand scheme of things, but not particularly pleasant to listen to when you are one either and you know that they patently aren't true.

I think most women like to think of their man as being manly, and that does not include him ever having had sex with another man!

Not much stereotyping going on there!

What I find toughest in the discrimination from within the gay community who should know better. There is actually a movement within feminism which demands bisexual women 'choose to be' lesbian...

And yes the 'enlightened' heterosexual middle classes who go to pride with their gay friends and make sweeping statements about bisexual people being greedy or promiscuous or damaged is another one... Yes there are bisexual people who are greedy, promiscuous or damaged, as there are straight and gay people who are too.

Offred, I'm a fully paid up lesbian and have never come across that movement - can you tell me more? Back in the 80s there was a controversial conference and book called 'Love Your Enemy', which argued that radical feminists should not be heterosexual, but I'm not aware of any movement as such within the last 25 years?

OP, personally I wouldn't find this a big deal (my dp identifies as bisexual, but after 20 years of monogamy I'm struggling to think why this would matter!), but I think you should tell her anyway. I actually don't think it's wrong of lesbians to choose not to have relationships with bisexual women - strange, but not wrong - but you need to set the tone by not treating it as a dirty little secret. Best of luck.

So yes, sympathy and empathy.

In my view you should tell her. You should explain your past experiences of being upfront with your previous GF too.

If she handles it badly, hard as that is, you know it demonstrates a fundamental incompatibility as without being able to share who you are with who you are with I don't think you stand much chance of real intimacy.

I think it would be a deal breaker for me, but I have a real disgust thing about the idea of anal sex (sorry I await being flamed). I don't think I'm homophobic (although expect people will tell me I am) my best friends have always been gay me and I spent most of my 20s in gay clubs.

Also I think in our society same sex relationships and sex are viewed very differently (I think). I know lots of men who have sexual fantasises about two women together, I haven't met any women who fantasises about two men. I think this will play against you. If posters disagree, I'm quite prepared to me wrong, it's just my opinion, please don't shout at me about it.

To be fair you should tell her straight away before things get emotional but to be honest I think you have a better chance of staying in the relationship if you wait. Its harder to walk away for somebody you love than somebody you've just met.

Julie bindel has written about it before and it is a common prejudice I have experience from lesbian partners as a bisexual woman.

And I would add that no choice anyone makes about who they have a relationship with is 'wrong' but in many cases the prejudices that shape partner choices may well be - racism, homophobia etc

It would be a deal breaker for me, and I'm suprised that this could be labelled discrimatory or unreasonable. When it comes to relationships people are entitled to have as many deal breakers as they see fit. No one is owed a relationship and individuals sex lives are not an exercise in equal opportunities.

Oh I agree the prejudice exists, Offred - I was just disputing that it's a movement as such. Back when I was a young lesbian, in the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth, it was a really common experience in clubs to be approached by 'bisexual' women who turned out to have a hairy-knuckled husband waiting in the wings, hoping for a threesome. That made many lesbians very wary. I don't offer it as an excuse, though - many people, lesbians included - just like an excuse to be small-minded and nasty.

OP, I think your dp's reaction will give you great insights into what a long term relationship with her might bring. She may be cool. She may be nasty - in which case, you've found out now. Or she may be concerned, in which case you need to start talking. I really hope it all works out for you.

I'll be back to post a longer reply later, but there's another point of order I need to make: someone above mentioned being disgusted by anal sex. I have never indulged in that practice, either with a man or woman, nor does it appeal to me at all. This is another stereotype about MSM- they/we don't all do that. I once read a thread on another site where a woman posted that her husband had just come out as bisexual and she was advised to buy a strap on and use it on him- because, they concluded, he probably wasn't gay, he just fancied feeling the sensation. What a gross misrepresentation of male sexuality