Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

[hedleylamarre]

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

If its any help - my ex-P didn't make a big deal of telling me but dropped it into a conversation about teenaged relationships and made it obvious that one or two of his had been men. We subsequently had a conversation about what that might mean to "us" pretty much along the lines you've already mentioned ie I am attracted to you/I am monogamous.

He didn't ever do the "We need to talk" kind of conversation

Sorry I'm not being very clear - it wasn't that his relationships with men had been exclusively in his teens, it's just that we were laughing about disastrous teenage relationships and he used that as a way of introducing the subject.

Bravo hedley!

My DP also didn't do a "We need to talk" thing. He engineered a conversation in which it came up naturally, but he was clearly a bit anxious, and he told me later that he'd had negative reactions from women before.

The problem with the likes of ilive is that she is so grossly offensive that anyone who might have an issue with dating someone bisexual might automatically be categorised into the bigot category without any consideration being given to their point of view. And people are entitled to their preferences without those preferences making them homophobic or bigoted.

for me it's like this:

I am a heterosexual woman, and I am attracted to heterosexual men. it has nothing to do with monogamy or this assumption that someone bi will cheat with men, who you're attracted to doesn't mean you can't be in a monogamous relationship and any assumption to that end is ridiculous. But I am attracted to men who are attracted to women, and would want the man I am with to be attracted to me because I am a woman as well as because of who I am, iyswim. But what other people do within their own relationships and what they do and don't find attractive is their business and I really wouldn't have an opinion on someone e.g. choosing to be with someone who was bi and that not being an issue for them. But for me it would be something which would deter me from beginning a relationship - iyswim.

However, it would be entirely possible to start a relationship with someone not knowing about their sexual preferences, and falling deeply for that person before finding out. But the problem then would potentially be not so much the fact they were bi (if you already had feelings for them at that point) but the fact that they had withheld that kind of information and essentially lied about it. Because if you can lie about your sexuality then I would be concerned about where you really were at with that iyswim.

And people do have the right to have a preference for a certain type of partner. If someone who is bi has the right to want to be with men and women both gay and straight, then someone who is hetero has a right to want to be with someone who is only hetero. it's the same kind of preference.

So yes, I do think that someone ought to be up-front about their sexuality sort of in the same way as I feel that you should e.g. be up-front about having kids so that if someone feels that it's not for them they can choose to back out before too many people get hurt. iyswim.

oh and I am ugly.

Oh and if sexuality is a deal-breaker then there should be ways of expressing that without needing to be negative about it. After all you wouldn't generally tell someone why you weren't attracted to them would you? if they just weren't your type etc? so in this instance there is no need to be brutal about it either. If it's a dealbreaker in the beginning stages then just back off kindly and be nice about it. I certainly wouldn't feel the need to tell someone that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with bthem because they were bi, what other than hurt and upset can possibly be achieved by doing that?

I think you need to tell her OP. It is a fundamental part of who you are, and as such cannot be hidden if your relationship is to progress. Cliche it may be, but the "right" person will live you just as you are. If they don't then they aren't the right person.

My boyfriend is bi. There are times when I have worried I won't be enough for him, but then I have a word with myself and get over it. There are many things about him that drive me mad, but his sexual preferences' aren't one of them

Here's what confuses me.

If a person says they are bi-sexual I used to think this meant that they are fully open to falling in love (or lust) with a person, the gender of that person is a non issue. Therefore the sexual orientation should have no bearing on the issue of monogamy.

That being said, this is the part I simply don't understand. If you are a bisexual who gets immense pleasure from anal stimulation/ anal sex, will sexual intercourse minus that element float your boat for the rest of the life? (Am not naive enough to think that anal stimulation is only found in specific situations by the way). I state this as a newly divorced woman who discovered her ex husband was at a minimum bisexual with increasing reliance on anal stimulation. Vanilla sex simply did nothing for him after a while.

So my holistic vision of bi-sexuality is out of the window. because there's suddenly this huge grey area that i simply don't understand. It's this grey area that causes / increases fear/ ignorance in this area. Because simply put, this isn't about monogamy. It's about one question being answered 'will I be enough'.

IMO, you have to have this conversation with her. It would be utterly wrong to not tell her. I wish my ExH had done so. Would have spared me much heartbreak.

It's just a matter of compatibility TooSassy. Everyone has preferences and deal breakers with regards to their sex lives, and you try to find a partner with compatible preferences. Sexuality dictates your preference in partner, but not in the activities, frequency etc of your sex life.

TooSassy - I'm on the bi spectrum but have been in a monogamous relationship for over eighteen years. The way I see it is that any monogamous relationship requires an element of sacrifice - there's lots of potential partners I'm choosing not to go out with, lots of paths I'm not going down. But that's what being in love is, choosing that person over everyone else. It's really not that different to someone who is straight/gay/lesbian.

I also feel concerned about people who say they just don't fancy bi people (although I do appreciate how politely you've put it wannaBe!). It's similar to when friends say they're not attracted to a particular ethnicity. It does smack of prejudice because obviously all bi people are different, all black people are different, etc. But then I can't make someone fancy who they don't fancy! I don't know, it just makes me uneasy and I don't think we should be too ready to say "oh that's okay then" without really looking into the reasons why.

I wanted to tackle another aspect of this relationship, hedley, which is that she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. I can appreciate after having been deceived she appreciates honesty and openness but this feels a bit like you're expected to surrender the entire contents of your soul in one go. I hope I'm reading that wrong but I would be wary - not of her telling her about your sexuality, which you certainly should do - but of whether she can keep her desire for 'the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth' within reasonable bounds.

Wannabe - so if you find someone attractive and you start dating and a few months in they tell you they've had sex with members of the opposite sex, do they suddenly become unattractive? I didn't find that to be the case. I was a bit startled (never having been with anyone bisexual knowingly before). And I don't see how you tell everyone you like up front, any more to be honest than I would announce to people that I didn't want more children (though frankly thats rather obvious at my age now!). I would tell them when it looks like things are starting to progress onto the potential to be more serious.

If you are a bisexual who gets immense pleasure from anal stimulation/ anal sex, will sexual intercourse minus that element float your boat for the rest of the life?

This is not an issue of bisexuality in any way though, it's an issue of one partner who has a preference for one particular aspect of sex which their life partner doesn't like.

Jeez don't any of you have work today? Ok tree huggers, one final thought. Why tell her, if he does not want a dalliance with a man about now? I mean, why reveal it? If he is going to be faithful 100% to her, why does she need to know? I mean, if he is going to be faithful, he won't be going with another man ever again, so why bring it up? Secondly, let's see what she says. I highly doubt she will be high fiving. Sorry for being a normal straight person. Nobody on here likes the truth. And who the hell brought black people into this? WTF! And with that I am out.

Marking place. Hedley, are you male or female? Not that it makes any difference, really, but ime when children of bisexuals announce their bisexuality, that is too late to deal with it all! Being pro LGTQO is important in a partner for more than just yourself. It isn't just about whether she has a 'right to know' about you, it is far bigger than that. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone wjo deep down thinks/feels like Ilike? I wouldn't!

Good luck op I hope the conversation goes well.

BTW isn't David Bowie bi? I don't think Iman looks either desperate or ugly.

I only opened this thread as the OPs NN took me back a few years... Anyhoo, I think honesty is the way forward.

ILive, most of the gay men I know don't have anal sex.

Op - you have to tell her because it would be a deal breaker for me. ( & possibly for many women )

Sorry. ( but best of luck )

I'm actually finding it a bit odd that it would be a big deal for some people. I don't mean that I think that people who feel that way are odd; more that there are so many factors which affect how we feel in a relationship.

I would see bisexuality as of less importance than differences in race, nationality, politics or social class in terms of how much it would be likely to affect a relationship. I find men attractive, so it seems perfectly natural that other people I like might feel the same way.

OP I think telling your DP something so deeply intimate, for me, would create and bring the relationship to a deeper level - trust. I would respect and be honoured that they felt they felt they could open up to me. This has happened to me with an ex when he told me something from his childhood and also this exact scenario that you have posted about.

Go for it and tell her, you might be surprised by her reaction

Women have it easier here... I am attracted to women as well and my partner is more than happy about it...

See the thing is, I have come to the conclusion after years of thought on this subject, that unfortunately for your own protection as a bisexual person and for the respect of other people (even when they are twats), it is necessary for bisexual people to be out to partners for two main reasons;

1. To accommodate the prejudices of other people which may mean they wish to discriminate against you (or objectify you) in terms of having a relationship (sad but necessary as accommodating a partners boundaries no matter how prejudiced is important).

1. Because sharing who you are is important and whilst it's not healthy to go through your sex life with a fine tooth comb not mentioning your sexuality means people assume you are straight and a whole area of yourself and possibly of your experiences is therefore closed off.

And no I don't find it easier to be objectified and pornified by male partners. I find it easier than if I was a male bisexual person because as a woman I am already part of other and there is less threatening discrimination directed at me as a consequence than if I was male and therefore 'betraying masculinity'.

I find it weird that anybody would find it relevant. I've dated a bisexual guy, it was just like dating a straight guy.

All you need to know is whether your partner is attracted to YOU and you're good to go. Surely? What bollocks worrying about whether they might not be "satisfied" without access to the right parts. If that was an issue, they wouldn't be dating YOU. HTH.

Bisexual people get a lot of 'betraying homosexuality/heterosexuality' stuff and women get objectified but men get aggressive discrimination because of the 'betrayal of masculinity' aspect IMO and many homophobic people think bisexuality is 'worse' than homosexuality for men. As a woman I am used to dealing with being objectified, being further objectified and having my sexuality pornified is an extension of something I am already used to dealing with.