Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

[hedleylamarre]

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

And re the stupid anal stimulation stuff... My current (extremely straight) BF is the male partner I've had who has enjoyed anal stimulation the most. Much more than my bisexual BF. Fisting, strap ons etc. ALL men enjoy anal stimulation, physically, many don't like the idea emotionally but their anatomy means it can be extremely physically pleasurable if they emotionally enjoy it. It is nothing to do with your gender preferences.

Hi OP.
Not sure that it is relevant but I am straight. Honestly, I like to think that I wouldn't mind if my husband was bisexual, but I would want to have known about it from early on in the relationship. Sexuality is a big part of who we are and for him to not tell me would feel dishonest. Your dp has already said that total honesty is important to her. It would be disrespectful to not listen to her in this regard. I hope she understands that it doesn't mean you are not monogamous.

Now, having said I hope I wouldn't mind if this was my dh, I also think I would fear that he could not be satisfied just with me. So I think you are going to have to do a lot of explaining and reassuring.

Will you come back and let us know the outcome?

Not being satisfied with one partner is a polyamory issue not a bisexuality issue.

Your dp has already said that total honesty is important to her

If she has said this to you do you think she might already know and is just giving you the opportunity to say it? Or maybe she has something she wants to disclose herself?

Women have it easier here... I am attracted to women as well and my partner is more than happy about it...

I would find it rather distasteful and unpleasant if my partner felt like that.

If it comes up he might jokingly whine about it as if he's slightly threatened by my being bisexual, but in reality I don't think he is, at all. And certainly no more threatened by the prospect of me going off with a woman than he is by that of me going off with another man - why would he be? And he absolutely doesn't suggest he's turned on by an aspect of my sexuality that doesn't affect him in the slightest. I would wonder how much of a brain he had in his head if he hadn't worked that part out.

I find it weird that anybody would find it relevant.

I'm inclined to agree, Bertie.

All you need to know is whether your partner is attracted to YOU and you're good to go. Surely? What bollocks worrying about whether they might not be "satisfied" without access to the right parts. If that was an issue, they wouldn't be dating YOU. HTH.

Yep. Also, I find an aspect of one poster's (WannaBe?) argument a little odd - the bit about wanting to know her partner is with her because he's attracted to women only. Surely if you're going to be flattered by anything, it would be by the fact of being chosen out of double the number of options (as with a bisexual partner) instead of a limited pool of one sex? Or if it's about feeling like your anatomy is that bit more important to a partner - I would much rather feel like my partner was with me for the person I am, not for my genitals... I don't feel my essential 'being' has any connection to my vagina, actually.

"I could be wrong, but I think most women like to think of their man as being manly, and that does not include him ever having had sex with another man!"

Not so much "I live at the Beach" as "I live under a rock". As a straight woman, I strongly object to the gender stereotyping here and the prejudice in subsequent posts. I've had a bisexual male partner. It was not an issue for me but I was glad that he told me about it, after a few dates, because it told me something about who he really was and it was also a sign that he trusted me. IMO our sexual identity is an important part of who we are. I never felt threatened by the fact that he'd had sex with men, I certainly didn't think less of him for it and I realised that whether he was faithful or not had nothing to do with his bisexuality.

OP I'm glad you've decided to tell her. If it turns out to be a dealbreaker for her, then I suspect that decision is based on prejudice. And yes, she's entitled to draw her boundaries where she sees fit. Personally one of my boundaries is not to bother with people who have unexamined prejudices. You might find that she is wary at first but is happier once she talks through things - you may find she's picked up on some of the stereotypes on display here but by talking to her you can help her see those for what they are. Or she just may not give a monkeys. I didn't.

What Offred says is true IME too. There is no direct correlation between preferred sexual practices and sexual orientation. My personal sample size is small but it also doesn't really make sense that they would be interrelated.

Good for you Gabilan, but I would never have a relationship with a bi-sexual man. That's my choice.
Incidentally, most of my lesbian friends steer clear of bi-sexual women.

I'm more of a lone voice in saying I wouldn't want to know if my DH had had sexual experiences that didn't have any bearing on our relationship, irrespective of the genders involved. It has no more relevance than if he has had sex with a woman with a false leg, or who was super morbidly obese.
If you are intending to be 100% faithful then it doesn't matter at all if you find men attractive, so why risk throwing a spanner in the works.

"Incidentally, most of my lesbian friends steer clear of bi-sexual women."

Well that's entirely their choice but I'm not sure what point you're making. If, as I suspect, you're trying to say that it's OK to be uneasy about bisexuality because some lesbians are as well, then I don't find it particularly convincing. As PP have said, there is prejudice against bisexual people amongst lesbians and gay men. Just because someone is a lesbian, it does not make them foolproof against homophobia. In fact some of the strongest homophobia is internalised - just watch American Beauty.

We live in a society which is strongly heteronormative i.e. it portrays heterosexuality as the norm and also associates it with various qualities perceived as good and indeed necessary for the functioning of society. None of us is immune to picking up on this, or the prejudices it can bring with it. All you can do is examine your attitudes to things and try to work out if it's prejudiced or not. But being a lesbian doesn't actually mean you can't be homophobic any more than (unfortunately) being a woman means you can't be misogynist.

Anyone's choice for any reason over what sexual or relationship boundaries they have is something that absolutely must be respected.

It's the prejudices that may be behind those choices and boundaries that may be objectionable.

Generally, I'm surprised at how narrowly some people scope their prospective sexual partners.

Devora I'm really picky. It's very important to me that I find a partner physically attractive. I also prefer them to be very intelligent, to get my odd and rather dark sense of humour and to show an awareness of assorted social issues. I could go on. Suffice it to say that my deal breakers create a narrow enough list without throwing in "must never have had sex with another man" when it doesn't bother me.

Surprised how many people think "I don't have relationships with bi people" seem to think it's a badge of honour I'd be quite embarrassed if I thought I had a prejudice like that. It's a bit like those men who only want to date virgins. We all have a past, deal with it!

"Anyone's choice for any reason over what sexual or relationship boundaries they have is something that absolutely must be respected." but it's not something which is respected though, is it? There are lots of reasons why people feel they couldn't be in a relationship with someone, and some of those reasons are incredibly shallow e.g. there are plenty of people on mn who say they couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't drive, and no-one challenges that. But as soon as you mention you wouldn't start a relationship with someone who is bisexual you are accused of being prejudiced, homophobic etc etc because someone's sexual preferences don't affect your own relationship.

Why as a heterosexual woman am I not entitled to be attracted to heterosexual men only? Of course there is no need to come out with prejudicial reasons why, and the talk of women wanting someone manly or only ugly women not having that preference is grossly offensive and doesn't need saying. But everyone is entitled to their own preferences and as said above, those should be respected.

I absolutely respect the op's right to be bisexual and to have and have had relationships with both men and women in the past. But equally my preference to only be with heterosexual men is worthy of the same respect. Anyone stating that it's weird to only prefer heterosexual men/women is no less prejudiced than someone who says it's weird to be attracted to both men and women, except only one of those preferences is considered ok to be challenged. As it happens neither should be challenged. Someone is bisexual? that is their right and they can choose to be with whoever they want. Someone isn't? same applies.

Most people wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone with a disability. I am VI and am entirely aware of the fact that no-one with any degree of sight would be likely to ever want a relationship with me. My xh has some sight but the rest of his family are all VI. Most people assume that I must have a VI partner (I do as it happens) but they don't know that at the time. I was told that I would most likely only ever have a VI partner because looks aren't important, etc. Whether people like to acknowledge that or not is the societal norm. And there are most likely other reasons behind it - the fact I can't drive which is a dealbreaker for many mn'ers would automatically put me out of the running for a relationship with someone who could see.

Fact is, people are entitled to that preference just as much as they are entitled to prefer someone who is shorter/thinner/doesn't have children.

In reality no reason for not wanting to have a relationship with someone (aside from them being a bastard obv) is any less prejudiced than any other really. It's just that some of those preferences can be made as a snap decision i.e. you don't find someone physically attractive at first sight and as such don't pursue anything with them and don't need to explain, whereas other reasons are a bit less visible from the outset - iyswim.

I actually don't agree those preferences should necessarily be respected (but do appreciate the reasonable way you're debating it!). If my friend said they couldn't date a black man, a disabled woman, someone who was overweight etc I probably would challenge that. Equally I try to address my own unconscious biases, I'm sure there's many ways in which I'm prejudiced when it comes to relationships but I don't think that's necessarily okay. It's not the same as sexual orientation as it's not the gender that's the problem it's the person's relationship history which is different.

the thing is that so many of these things can only be challenged by experience though, and people will always have their preferences at the outset when they are not in an emotionally charged position iyswim.

I already said above that if I became involved with someone, we developed a connection and he told me months down the line that he was bisexual I couldn't possibly know how I would respond because the emotional connection would already be there, but that from the outset I wouldn't have chosen to date him had I known - iyswim. However i suspect that someone like ilive would surely already have aired her prejudiced views somewhere along the line and given the bisexual partner an idea of how she would feel about such things. You don't generally hold quite such offensive opinions without them having an outlet from time to time.

But often preference can be challenged by experience. How many people come on to mn saying they always thought they would never want to date someone with children but have now started seeing someone who it turns out has three of them.

Physical preference is harder to challenge because it's almost a reaction iyswim. We are programmed to be physically attracted to, or not attracted to someone based on a first impression. If one is of the persuasion that they would never date a black person (or a black person saying they would never date a white person) then it's hard to challenge that because the lack of attraction is immediately there on sight. So it would be unlikely you'd get to know someone, become attracted to them and then discover three months down the line that they're black, unless you're VI like me.

I meant the boundaries should be respected in the sense that no-one should be told they can't dictate their own boundaries.

The prejudices behind boundaries do not deserve respect.

I don't know why so many on MN seem to find this confusing, unless they are feeling defensive of course, no-one can or should tell you you cannot have or maintain your own boundaries whether or not they are based on prejudice. What they can do is tell you you are prejudiced. This is the one situation where it is perfectly valid to discriminate based on a prejudice. The prejudice however is not ok.

And clearly brig prejudiced about a group of people based on what they are is much more unacceptable than having a practical concern that conducting a relationship with someone who can't drive may mean you have to drive them around

The whole point about bisexuality is that you can't tell and therefore it is not a practical consideration, it isn't a preference, it is a prejudice. Even with race there are sometimes practicalities involved which could be more understandable - differences in culture or religion for example that some people might see as prohibitive though I suspect this is usually just veiled racism. With bisexuality there is no way you can tell unless you are told. There are no practical considerations. Any objection is in principle based on prejudiced views about what being bisexual says about a person.

Off topic I know, but Offred until I read that book I read your name as Off red.

I am also bisexual which is possibly why dating a bi man didn't bother me, but TBH, I thought that it was pretty normal not to be bothered. I am quite surprised that so many consider it a problem.

I don't think I particularly told DH before we got married because I don't consider it a big secret to be revealed or that important a part of who I am. Who I have and haven't dated, or had a crush on, in the past is not at all relevant to the relationship I am in now. And while I'm not madly keen on the whole "sexuality is a spectrum!" thing, I do think that it's something which can change over the course of a person's life. Assuming I stay with DH for the rest of my life, I might as well be straight now because I don't introduce myself as "Bi Bertie" or jump on the table and announce it at parties. Nobody unless they already know or it happens to come up in conversation is likely to know this information about me. But if DH and I ever split then it's possible I might date a woman in the future, and everyone would just have to work it out when that came up. There are lots of people who have heterosexual relationships their entire lives and then unexpectedly develop feelings for a person of the same sex later. Or have a fling or a crush in their teens and then revert and never speak or think of it again. I remember reading that men who sleep casually with men but have relationships with women often don't consider themselves to be gay or bisexual. It was a point of blood donation literature that they had to rewrite the criteria. If even identity and behaviour doesn't match up then perhaps the whole concept of sexual identity is pretty meaningless? If all that it implies is who you are looking to have a sexual relationship with at this present moment. Well, right now I am married, so I'm not looking for a sexual relationship at all. Probably makes me monosexual or whatever.

I tend to personally use the label bi if I need to describe myself for some reason, but 99% of the time, I don't need to refer to or think of my sexuality at all.

And I realise that a large part of the reason that I can ignore it like that is straight privilege, which I benefit from because I am in a long term heterosexual relationship.

I think that people are attracted to who they are attracted to, and I respect that. However, when someone says that they would only date heterosexuals, I feel pretty similarly about them as I would to someone who only date blondes, or women of size 10 or less, or people without scars.

Ok, I'll be the brave one.
I wouldn't date a bi-sexual man because I'd be worried about him possible catching HIV.
There are no gayeantees in this life & a bi-sexual man could cheat on me with other men, just like a heterosexual could cheat on me with other women.
I know anyone can catch HIV, but it still affects the gay & black Afican communities the most. That is a medical fact.