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Original poster

Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

205 replies

hedleylamarre · 06/10/2015 16:01

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 07/10/2015 17:36

I'm bisexual too, hedley. Came out to my family quite recently. Total non issue as makes no difference to our mutual monogomy. Helps me be a bit more understanding of LGBT friends and relatives, and them me.

I'm female, not had any female sexual partners.

Offred · 07/10/2015 17:39

I think it is hard for totally straight people to understand tbh felicity. It's a part of my identity, there is common discrimination that bisexual people face, there is a community which we can avail ourselves of. It's about being able to share a part of my identity with my partner rather than suppressing it. Being able to go to pride as an out bisexual person etc. not having to pretend I am a different (straight) person to who I am.

Offred · 07/10/2015 17:40

Most people just assume I am straight because I have kids.

Gabilan · 07/10/2015 17:50

Felicity, I think part of the issue here is that if you are straight, you can wander around being unaware of it. It's very much part of your identity, but because it's accepted, normalised, assumed and allowed, you don't need to announce it in some way. Nonetheless, many of the things you do and say will reveal you as straight. Mentioning a former partner and using a pronoun whilst doing so. Mentioning a teenage crush. Chatting about why you might prefer to watch films with Johnny Depp in even if the films aren't that good. Actually sometimes just things like how you dress and how you have your hair cut. All of the things that might identify you as straight are invisible to you paradoxically because you don't have to hide them.

Now imagine that you do have to hide them. Try having a conversation that doesn't reveal that you're straight. Sure, you will be able to do that a lot of the time. But not all of the time and not around people with whom you feel comfortable. Now if you're bi or gay and do not want to reveal it, you have to police yourself all the time just in case you say or do something that reveals it. Thus for some people, it's just a relief to be able to say to somebody close to them that they're bi, just because they stop having to hide a part of themselves.

I am saying this as someone who is straight though so I apologise if I've offended anyone but explaining it badly.

Original poster
hedleylamarre · 07/10/2015 17:58

There was a question about why I feel the need to tell her I'm bisexual.

We've reached the point in our relationship where we're emotionally invested enough to want to accept one another and be accepted for who we are- warts and all. She's been open about some incredibly private stuff in her past (not involving same sex relationships), and I want to reciprocate by revealing a private aspect of my personality- just so that she knows and can accept me for who I am.
I also don't want her to find out from abother source, because then I would have been deceiving her. I really did want to tell her at the time (this was at the weekend), but I was put off by not wanting to go through what I did last time

OP posts:
JeremyCorbynsStylist · 07/10/2015 18:06

hedley.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I was just being honest in my post but I am very sorry if I have offended you, that was never my intention so please accept my apologies.

Offred · 07/10/2015 18:06

That perfectly explains how I feel anyway Gabilan thank you Smile

FelicityGubbins · 07/10/2015 18:26

Thank you Gabilan, that does help me understand.

fakenamefornow · 07/10/2015 18:46

If my friend said they couldn't date a black man, a disabled woman, someone who was overweight etc I probably would challenge that.

I'm sorry but I think that's rubbish. I have always been attracted to dark men, dark/olive skin, dark hair, brown eyes. I've never even been on a date with a blonde man, I just don't fancy them. I can't imagine ever fancying somebody very obese, or elderly, or even with a beard. I'm sure there are loads of lovely lovely blonde, elderly, bearded, obese men out there, this is no comment on there character, I just don't fancy them though. If that makes me racist, ageist, fatist and beardist, well, I don't know what to say to that. Having a physical attraction to somebody at the start of a relationship is important to me and admittedly I don't fancy many men.

fakenamefornow · 07/10/2015 18:48

Sorry their

JasperDamerel · 07/10/2015 18:50

If you found a photo of the guy you were dating and discovered that in his youth he had dyed his hair blonde and grown a beard and that while he was happy to stay clean shaven because you don't like beards, if the relationship were to end, he might join his work colleagues in taking part in Movember, would you dump him?

fakenamefornow · 07/10/2015 19:01

Good point and reminds me of a boyfriend I had once. He was from Pakistan and had bleach blonde hair for a time while I went out with him, it looked really good on him. He was still a dark man though and just the type I really fancy. As for a beard, it my husband grew one I'd nag him to shave it off, luckily he doesn't like beards either.

Offred · 07/10/2015 19:04

I don't think anyone in their right mind has ever become convinced that their partner growing a beard means they want to cheat on them, beard/no beard is a preference rather than a dealbreaker to most rational people and people don't draw inferences about a change in moral character based on facial hair.

NameChange30 · 07/10/2015 19:13

Interesting debate. It's sad to learn how much prejudice seems to exist against bisexual people.

I don't know if it helps at this stage for another person to weigh in, but FWIW I think you should tell your partner. It's understandable that you feel anxious about doing so, given your ex's reaction, but try not to make it a big deal. (Certainly don't say it's "awkward" as a PP suggested early on! It shouldn't be!) Actually I think her reaction will tell you something about her as a person. If her reaction is negative, she's not the kind of person who deserves to be in a relationship with you, and it's her problem, not yours.

I'm a straight woman in a monogamous relationship with a straight man. But if my partner told me he was bisexual, it wouldn't bother me. I realise that's easy to say when it's never happened, but I honestly don't think I'd have a problem with it. I'd understand that being bi makes him no less likely to cheat or leave me than being straight. I'd understand that he's chosen to be with me and therefore finds me attractive.

I might ask him about his sexual history - whether he's ever had unprotected sex - and preferences - whether he wants to try anal sex/stimulation. But those would be sensible questions to ask any sexual partner, whether they're straight, gay or bi.

I also think it's strange to say that straight men are turned on by lesbian women but straight women aren't turned on by gay men. Generalisation much?! People are turned on by all kinds of things. I like the idea of a threesome with two men but would never dare try it.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 07/10/2015 19:48

When I was a teen i went out with a bi guy,at the time it bothered me,and our, relationship ended because of it.not his fault entirely mine. I had cripplingly low self esteem and saw everyone as competition,knowing he was attracted to men as well as women doubled my imaginary competition.
As a grown up i now realise I was a ridiculous twit. My dp and I haven't/don't really discuss previous partners/sexual experiences, because it doesn't matter,(odd exceptions,such as we went to a party where by I recognised the hosts brother as a fling I'd once had and mentioned it to dp so there was no embarrassment/awkwardness around how I knew such and old friend of dps).
It depends on your relationship op.if you were to go to a party and some horrible drunken twunt was to throw out a comment like "well your blokes bi" how would she take it? I'd laugh and say "so?" Nothing to do with what we have now Would she see it as you having not been honest/lied?

TooSaasy · 07/10/2015 20:07

This is such an interesting thread. Thank you to all those who have taken the time to post and share their views.

OP, your last post explaining why you want to tell your partner is lovely. I think you should tell her. If you choose not to tell her now, then you've made an active choice not to and that will most likely make it a bigger deal in your mind.
As some other posters have said, be ready to reassure and discuss. Any initial reaction may just come from a place of fear. The fear comes from a lack of knowledge and understanding. Fill that knowledge gap and I'm sure all will be fine.

BertieBotts · 07/10/2015 21:50

Gay and Bisexual men are more likely to be tested for HIV. So while they are still statistically more likely to be HIV+ they are also more likely to be aware of that fact meaning they are less likely to pass it onto their future partners. Straight men are far less likely to get tested so if they have it, they might be passing it on unwittingly.

It's a rubbish argument because it can be solved by asking any potential partner to be tested before agreeing to stop using condoms.

Kewcumber · 08/10/2015 16:05

The HIV argument is bizarre.

I could understand if only men who have had sex with men get HIV but that's not the case. Quoting statistics and likelihoods are only relevant when you're talking about the population as a whole.

To an individual, you either have HIV 100% or 0% there aren't degrees of it. The fact that you have HIV 100% because you caught it from a man who has never had sex with another man is of no consolation - you don't get it 35% if you caught it from someone straight (about 35% of new cases are in heterosexuals).

If you think that a third of new cases being spread by heterosexuals isn't worth worrying about then you're a fool (or haven't been single in a very long time)

Offred · 08/10/2015 19:11

It's not the diagnosed and treated HIV+ people you need to worry about anyway. They are unlikely to pass it on. It's the people who have it and don't know. Men who have same sex sex are much, much, much better at being tested regularly and treated properly. No-one knows how many people are infected but undiagnosed. The stats are about how many have been diagnosed.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2015 19:21

Those doom laden ads featuring toppling gravestones from the 1980's have lot to answer for Sad

PeaceOfWildThings · 08/10/2015 19:25

They bloody do, AF. But then, the laws regarding homosexuality had some part to play as well, in the 1980s. So glad things have moved on. For most.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2015 19:35

People of my generation have long memories. The ones who haven't bothered to educate themselves since the 1980's are coming from a bigoted and ignorant place. Stupid people.

crazywomanreturns · 08/10/2015 19:44

You aren't bi you are just confused

ocelot41 · 08/10/2015 19:48

Just tell her - you never know, she may be bi too. If not, if she is going to be with you she needs to understand that this is just part of who you are - and also to be given a chance to talk through any fears abiut whether you still need/want to have the freedom to explore that side of yourself or are happy to commit to the person you love. I have to say that one of the reasons I knew my DH was a keeper was that he was very sensitive and respectful when I told him.Still is!

PeaceOfWildThings · 08/10/2015 19:59

CrazyWoman... I can be turned on by an attractive person walking past me. Male or female. It happens. I don't make it happen. I make my thoughts turn to my husband, turn my eyes away, but the physical response is there for people who I find sexy, and that can be a man or a woman. That is all bisexuality is, just finding both men and women attractive. I am not confused and I don't think the op is.