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Original poster

Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

205 replies

hedleylamarre · 06/10/2015 16:01

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

OP posts:
Offred · 06/10/2015 19:58

No one is owed a relationship and individuals sex lives are not an exercise in equal opportunities.

Well yes, as I said, no dealbreaker is ever 'wrong' but the prejudices dealbreakers may be based on may be such as a white person actively avoiding dating any non white person because they are racist or people specifically excluding the possibility of ever dating someone bisexual because they have prejudiced beliefs about what being bisexual means etc. People can and should impose whatever boundaries they wish in relationships for any reason sound, ridiculous or hateful and I'd strongly fight for the right to do just that. However, if your boundaries are based on prejudices, whilst I absolutely have no issue with the boundaries, I still have an issue with the prejudices...

This was the problem with the other thread btw. People took against being called prejudiced for thinking bisexual people are icky and decided they were being told they weren't allowed the boundary.

Which is not the case.

Offred · 06/10/2015 20:02

And I think there's a real issue with the 'I was approached by a married woman and therefore bisexual people are x' thing too. I've had terrible experiences with some men, I have not concluded that all men are abusive. It's not reasonable to conclude that bisexual people are to be avoided based on experience with a small number of twats who happened to be bisexual. Some people are just twats.

Offred · 06/10/2015 20:07

And I do think there is a movement within lesbian feminism which believes exactly that - that bisexual (and even heterosexual) women should choose to be lesbian or they are bad feminists. I believe it's a movement because Julie Bindel has been writing about it in national and international press as recently as 2012 and others write about it too.

cantmakeme · 06/10/2015 20:09

I have given this some thought, and I am not remotely bothered by other people's sexuality. Whether or not I would date a bisexual man would depend on the man in question. However, it would be my preference to date a man who only fancies women. Not because there is anything "icky" about anything - I am a woman and I prefer that my partner is attracted only to women. It's just that: a preference.

But, to the OP. Yes, you ought to tell her. If she finds out later that it has been a secret, she might wonder why... Also; this is intrinsically you. You can't and shouldn't have to change or hide anything. Better to find out whether you are suited early on. She might not be bothered at all!

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 22:15

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pocketsaviour · 06/10/2015 22:31

fakename
I haven't met any women who fantasises about two men
HAHAHAHHAhahahaha Grin are you fucking serious? MMF is HOT AS FUCK and a lot of women enjoy using gay porn.

ILive
You're a homophobe, girl, own it. Saying "I've got gay friends" and then going on a repulsive rant about the sexual activity (of your imaginary gay friends) is like some UKIP fucknut saying "I've got black friends actually, but I wouldn't want to marry one." You're an ignorant bigot, stand up and be counted!

What a set of double standards is this?
AHAHAHAHAhahah yes that well known double standard where, ummm, er, I guess that... ummm... straight people are being discriminated against because... er.... they... want to have relationships with gay people of the opposite sex... oh wait, that doesn't work... errr...

pocketsaviour · 06/10/2015 22:32

How many Lesbians would love it, if their female partner occasionally liked a bit of cock? NONE!

Forgot to say - please do let me know exactly what your sample size was for this survey you conducted amongst your lesbian "friends". I'd love to see the full responses. Thanks!

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 22:39

The problem with the people on this thread, is that they are mostly gay, lesbian or Bi, so you won't get many perspectives from Straight people. Let me guess pocketsaviour you're gay or lesbian... I am sorry to burst your bubble, but the average straight woman, does not want her Husband/BF to fuck men on the side.

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 22:44

Of course you need to tell Your DP - it is a fundamental part of who you are. She needs to know who you really are to be able to love you for who you are.
Lying is much more of a deal breaker than being bisexual.

oldaninpurple · 06/10/2015 22:47

Personally iliveatthebeach I think you have been living under a rock... What a load of sweeping and false generalisations are made in a couple of lines of prejudiced text!

Being bisexual does attract a good deal of discrimination from both lesbians and heterosexual males.. Trust me, and as for the straight women who want to 'experiment' and it's ok because you're not really gay...Hmm

As for the OP, how comfortable are you with not saying anything? I guess you may want to weigh up how you would feel concealing this on the grounds you are mono and so it wouldn't make any difference who you found attractive you wouldn't act on it... Could you handle that level of concealment? For me, I'd want to be in a relationship where I was loved and valued for exactly who I am.

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 22:50

PS this would not be a deal breaker for me. And I am sure I am not alone.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 22:50

Doesn't even make sense....

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 22:52

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pocketsaviour · 06/10/2015 22:52

Doesn't even make sense....
Your attitude? Glad you recognise that. Good luck with that UKIP application, by the way.

JasperDamerel · 06/10/2015 22:54

I would rather know in the early stages of the relationship. At that point, it wouldn't be a big deal at all. The longer a guy left it, the more it would feel like a big secret, and big secrets would make me trust him less. And the way you are talking about it, it is a big secret, and you are misleading her. I understand why you have been reluctant to tell her, but while bisexuality isn't a deal breaker for me, dishonesty might well be, and you are probably veering into dishonest territory if you have been actively avoiding the subject.

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 22:54

but the average straight woman, does not want her Husband/BF to fuck men on the side.
The average straight woman does not want her Husband/BF to fuck anyone on the side.
You are missing the point of the post. The OP is not fucking anyone on the side. It is his sexual history that is the issue.
Being bi does not make you incapable of being monogamous.

PacificDogwod · 06/10/2015 22:55

Yes, of course you have to tell her if you wish to have her trust.

It is worth pointing out that you wish to be in a monogamous relationship in which case who you have slept with in the past is irrelevant (provided you have had a full STD screen, and HIV testing if appropriate).

Who you've had sex with in the past is less likely to be a deal breaker than lying by omission IMVHO.

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 22:55

JasperDamerel - exactly right.

VashtaNerada · 06/10/2015 22:57

Biphobia is rife in both the lesbian/gay communities and straight ones. Anyone following Bi Visibility Day a couple of weeks ago and listening to people's coming out would be shocked by the prejudice people face. There are numerous myths about bi people being promiscuous, untrustworthy, confused, or just plain liars. It drives me mad. I would definitely put myself on the bi spectrum somewhere, DH has always known and it's never been an issue.

In answer to your question OP, yes tell her. You may need to reassure her if she doesn't know many bi people so be patient if she has questions. Ultimately if she's a decent person your sexual orientation and sexual history really shouldn't matter to her.

JasperDamerel · 06/10/2015 22:57

We cross posted pretty much the same thing, hello .

pocketsaviour · 06/10/2015 22:58

Dear OP,

Please don't be put off by bigoted attitudes like those displayed by a couple of posters here.

Your DP has already said that honesty is important to her. This is a pretty fundamental thing about you, so you need to let her know.

If she turns out to be as ignorant as your last partner, that's a shame, but would you really want to commit to someone who can't see past "Ewww, butt sex!"?

There certainly is prejudice within both the gay and straight communities against bisexuals. I think men in particular are hit with the "Bi now, gay later" stereotype (e.g. they say they're bisexual to soften the blow to parents and friends, and then come out as fully gay when they feel more confident) whereas women tend to get the "You're one of those annoying women who snogs other women to get attention from men" assumption, or the fear of "you'll leave me when you've finished being edgy".

Good luck. I hope you do tell her and it all goes okay.

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 23:00

OP - please ignore the idiots on this thread.
You know you have to tell her. But rest assured that for many people it would not be a deal breaker. And if it is for her, then she is not the right girl for you.

Kewcumber · 06/10/2015 23:05

Iliveatthebeach So my perspective as a totally and unashamedly straight woman. (Though having met her I have to say that Devora, despite apparently being as old as the hills, is a bit of alright in my opinion and I'm not even tempted by her much ...) I have had one long term relationship in which my partner told me about his sexual experiences with men and despite the fact that he wouldn't identify himself as bisexual (?!) that is really what he was telling me.

We broke up about 18 months later less to do with whose arse he had previously been ball deep in- 2 years before and more to do with him behaving rather like a huge arse.

I don't like to think of any of my partners balls deep in anyone tbh and provided they were monogamous I wouldn't have a problem with it. I understand that some people would have a problem with it, beach it seems doesn't have the imagination I do though despite setting herself up as the spokesperson for straight women.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 23:05

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Kewcumber · 06/10/2015 23:06

Normally the ugly girls

Cheers Beach

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