Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

[hedleylamarre]

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

gaurantees obviously < laughing at that typo> !

Why as a heterosexual woman am I not entitled to be attracted to heterosexual men only?

You're entitled to be attracted to whoever you want, I'm not sure who has said otherwise.

Anyone stating that it's weird to only prefer heterosexual men/women is no less prejudiced than someone who says it's weird to be attracted to both men and women, except only one of those preferences is considered ok to be challenged.

If this is in response to the post where I mentioned you, I was questioning the reasoning behind your stated preference. And incidentally, the two things you mention here have quite an obvious difference - one is the state of being open to everyone, the other is a statement that you exclude a specific group of men (or women, as the case may be for others with a similar view), which opens you up to questions about the reason behind it. Questions are not discrimination or a restriction of your freedom of expression or anything else...

It's the 'ick factor' isn't it. It's funny how someone professes to be liberal about homosexuality, but deep down they have a lingering disgust of the physical aspects that may go along with it.

Obviously, people have the right to make decisions about who they choose as a partner on any basis. But, if you wouldn't go out with someone bisexual, I do think it is worthy of a bit of self examination to see why you feel that way.

And, as Offred notes, straight men can be keener on anal sex (receiving that is) than gay men.

Fuck - I can't believe I did another typo, why hasn't this site got a 1 minute edit facility like netmums?

The HIV thing is quite frankly a bit silly. The bisexual men gave aids to women thing.

Anyone can have an STI if they are sexually active. If you practice safe sex - condoms and testing, then you reduce this risk. Heterosexual white men are not 'safe' they can still give you HIV if they have HIV (though unlikely if properly treated).

Plus identifying as heterosexual does not mean someone has never had homosexual sex.

The whole I wouldn't date a bisexual/African man because of HIV when there are far better ways of avoiding HIV infection is spurious IMHO.

Why as a heterosexual woman am I not entitled to be attracted to heterosexual men only?

But by your own admission you might not find out a man was bisexual until after you'd fallen for him. Thus actually you may well be attracted to a bisexual man, so long as you don't know that's what he is. Part of the reason that bisexuality didn't bother me when my ex mentioned it was because I knew from conversations with male friends that many of them had had some kind of homosexual contact when they were younger. Human sexual behaviour is very varied and I don't think really adequately fits into just 3 categories (gay/ straight/ bi). So what counts as bisexual anyway? Would you not want to date someone who'd had a fling with a man 20 years before but only dated women since? Where's the dividing line?

As for not dating non-drivers, I do think that is more of a practical consideration to do with not ending up as someone's chauffeur. I agree that it does exclude some people with some disabilities and admit that hadn't occurred to me. That said, I would think if someone chose just not to go out with anyone with any disability, they should have a think about why and whether yes, they might be prejudiced. Apart from anything else, any partner we commit to could end up disabled as a result of injury or illness.

For me it's the non sequitur aspect of it that would bother me, either you being attracted to men will have an affect on the long term chance of maintaining a monogamous relationship or it won't, if it won't then why need to proclaim your bisexuality and previous sexual attraction and experiences with men at all?

it still affects the gay & black Afican communities the most. That is a medical fact

What if your strictly white, straight, manly male husband cheats on you with a black woman of African origin?

Felicity - because for a large number of people it is a deal breaker and you don't know without speaking about it and secondarily because past history usually comes up in an intimate relationship. If you've had same sex relationships particularly then you may have gifts they gave you or experiences you've shared that come up in passing. Equally many times my sexuality has come up in ordinary conversation when people have made proclamations about my perceived heterosexuality that I have corrected.

Presumably so that you can weed out potential partners who don't like the idea, and for the sake of being generally honest about who you are. I do t discuss past relationships in detail with my partner, but I can't imagine being in a relationship where I never mentioned my teenage crushes, never commented on an attractive film or TV character, never mentioned how I knew my Facebook friends, never mentioned my first kiss, never did that sort of very mild flirting with other people that is ok when in a relationship, and sat listening to people expressing hatred towards people like me without challenging them or appearing upset.

Felicity I think as Jasper and Offred has said, it's mainly because it's just likely to come up in conversation. Otherwise any mention of a previous partner would either have to be hedged so as not to reveal their gender, or become a lie in order to change their gender. It's much simpler just to be able to talk openly. Not that you would need to be having extended conversations about your exes, just that you might say "oh I went to Spain with Jim, err, I mean Jane."

Gabilan.
We could do the 'what if's' all night, but I'm dealing with facts here, & the facts are that HIV is still a condition mainly affecting the black African community, IV drug users, & Men who sleep with men ( which is what we're talking about )

No, the majority of people living with HIV are men (two thirds) and out of those the majority are men who have/do have sex with men.

If you are keen on facts I'm sure you'll appreciate that avoiding bisexual men rather than practicing safe sex is rather irrational.

White heterosexual men can and do have HIV.

I'm straight so can only really base my position on my own experiences, so as an example, one of my boyfriends before I met my DH was black, it never crossed my mind to deliberately sit my DH down and tell him that I had previously had sex with and felt attracted to black men, of course it wasn't something I deliberately hid or felt ashamed of, it cropped up in conversation at one point and was neither here nor there,it was just what it was!
What I'm struggling to understand it why op feels the need to have a big announcement about an aspect of his past that according to him was sparse, discreet and no big deal, it either is a big deal and will be in the future, or its the past and of no relevance to where he is now.

A bisexual man who doesn't have HIV is not going to give you HIV if you are in a monogamous relationship.

Have safe sex. Simple.

Felicity - because if you read when he innocently mentioned it to a previous GF she went batshit crazy and ultimately dumped him. He has learned that some people consider it important enough to break up with you over...

He's not expecting his current partner to listen to intimate details about the sexual relationships he has had in the past. He's apprehensive about whether he should share a part of who he is with his partner because in the past he's had a bad experience.

I agree with everything BertieBotts said. I am bi too, but I don't really go around telling people (except perhaps on mumsnet ) because it just isn't a thing. I am unconvinced about the need to always tell people as soon as you are dating. Obviously my DP is aware and it's important to me that he knows that about me. But it wouldn't be a deception to not mention it to someone you are dating.
OP it sounds like you are ready to be open with her and share that part of who you are. So now is the time to do it. As the thread shows, not everyone would be ok with it. So maybe don't make a big announcement, just dip your toe in the water perhaps and see if you can bring it up conversationally.

Op also mentioned that his then girlfriend took it to mean he was intending to have relationships with men in a poly relationship or what ever Offred, which is why I'm struggling to understand why when the op is adamant that he wants a 100% monogamous relationship that he needs to announce himself as bisexual rather than just mentioning having had a couple of sexual encounters in the past, maybe it's semantics, but they "feel" like two very different things to me.

Sometimes that's the inference prejudiced people draw from the mere knowledge someone is bisexual.

Personally I have never 'announced' it.

It has however come up in ordinary conversation and different people have drawn their own varied implications from it including that I am 'up for it' or some kind of porn star and that I would cheat on them or am promiscuous.

In the op's case there's a conversation where he felt he should mention it. I would have mentioned it then to avoid it being an announcement but based on his past experience he has held back, understandably.

Sometimes you can't avoid it being an announcement and tbh I'm not sure why you have such a problem with that. It is the prejudice that means it ends up being 'an announcement', that means people are not considered trustworthy when it becomes clear. You're just victim blaming - the op isn't responsible for other people's reactions to his sexuality.

"I would think if someone chose just not to go out with anyone with any disability, they should have a think about why and whether yes, they might be prejudiced. Apart from anything else, any partner we commit to could end up disabled as a result of injury or illness." IMO a lot of it has to do with perceptions and often lack of knowledge, also fear of how dependent someone with a disability might be. And there is a difference between caring for someone who you don't yet know, and ending up caring for someone who you have an already established relationship with and who has become disabled down the line - iyswim.

We could do the 'what if's' all night, but I'm dealing with facts here, & the facts are that HIV is still a condition mainly affecting the black African community, IV drug users, & Men who sleep with men ( which is what we're talking about )

Actually, which communities are affected does vary by country and has also changed over time. I realise it may comfort you to argue that you're dealing with facts, but you've put together a string of what-ifs yourself. "What if I go out with a bi-sexual man and what if he cheats on me and what if that's with a man (after all, it could be with a woman with chlamydia) and what if that man has HIV and what if they have anal sex and what if they don't use a condom and what if he then contracts HIV".

HIV may, in the UK, occur more commonly amongst men who have sex with men than amongst men who do not have sex with men. It does not follow from this that if you have a relationship with a bisexual man he's likely to cheat with an HIV positive man, not use protection and then pass said virus onto you. It's such a long string of possibilities that it seems to me a ludicrous reason not to have a relationship with someone bisexual.

And since part of this conversation has turned to reasons why some straight women would only date heterosexual men, it seems quite reasonable to point out that your fears of catching diseases cannot be completely assuaged simply by dating a straight man. You've already admitted that straight men cheat too. Have you sat there and worked out the concomitant risks of a straight man cheating and what he might pass onto you, up to and including HIV since he could have sex with a woman from one of the other high-risk groups.

I keep yelling 'I'll be back!', but a lot of interesting points have been raised on this thread, and I want to be able to write a full reply to cover them all.

Corbyn whilst I appreciate your honesty, I'm more than a little annoyed at what you've said. You don't seem to have taken on board anything that's been said on this thread and you've gone down the route of 'Bisexuals are promiscuous, they'll cheat on me with another man, and they could get HIV and pass it on to me.

Well:

1. Possibly the vast majority of bisexuals (I can only speak for myself and others I know), are quite comfortable to be in a monogamous relationship and can respect that. We aren't all sex obsessed perverts unable to control our libidos. A not insignificant number of straight men cheat on their wives too- do you worry that your husband- if you have one- is going to cheat on you with another woman because he may have had relationships before you?
2. I am bisexual and I do not have HIV. None of my previous male sex-partners had HIV. I only know two gay men personally who do. Whether I was with a man or woman, I practiced safe sex. Most gay and bisexual men are capable of practicing safe sex. There are significant numbers of straight, white people who have HIV. You may not want to have a relationship with a bisexual man because of HIV fears. But there's still a chance your straight partner could catch it through cheating on you with another woman (African or not) and pass it on that way. I know rates of HIV are higher amongst homosexuals than heteros, but that doesn't mean that the majority of homosexuals do have it.

A personal experience- I am bisexual, my flatmate is straight (to the best of my knowledge). We have had roughly the same number of sexual partners. I have never had an STI of any sort, they have managed to contract both gonorrhea and clamydia. I always used a condom, they didn't. Yet by your standards, the fact that I've been with both genders and they haven't means that I get clobbered with the HIV stick and they don't. That's uninformed prejudice and it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

I'm not intentionally victim blaming the op, and if I did then it wasn't what I meant to do and I apologise.
Tbh I don't know why the semantics of it would bother me, but they do, not necessarily in a deal breaker way, but it would certainly throw me a bit.
Personally I think I would find it easier to accept if the emphasis was placed on the desire to be monogamous in a relationship, rather than the fact that the person I was in a relationship with swung both ways..