Do I tell DP I'm bisexual

[hedleylamarre]

I've known that I swung both ways since I was 16, and it's never been a big deal for me, although I've usually been quite discreet about it, and I've only had a few same-sex couplings. My last relationship ended, however, when I told my then-DP that I felt was attracted to men as well as women- this seemed to freak her out, and she ended things not long after, saying she wasn't comfortable going out with a bisexual- I think she may have misinterpreted that I was asking for permission to 'play around'- which I wasn't and wouldn't do in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years and I'm now in a relationship with a woman who I care for deeply and with whom I can see things developing. She has some trust issues though (her previous 2 boyfriends both cheated on her, and the last gaslighted her to cover it up), and she wants us both to be completely honest with one another about everything. And I really want to be open with her and tell her about the way I am, not because I want to play around, but just so she knows who I am, but I'm worried that it'll put her off as well, because she might also be worried that it's part of me she can't satisfy (when it doesn't matter)

I thought the op was female too. Then I remembered from yonks ago he is a bloke.

Oh yes, Kew likes very manly men [nods vigorously]. Stuff of legend round these parts...

I too thought the OP was a woman. I'm sorry he's had to read the homophobia on this thread.

Beach, just so you know, it's not your preference for ultra-het men that makes you homophobic. It's your obsessional frothing about butts that's the give-away. Topped off with the classic "ramming it down our throats" line. The only person on here who is being intrusive and aggressive about their sexual preferences is, actually, you.

Christ, I have forgotten what gender and sexuality everyone is on here now. Even myself.

Oh look, it's a bisexual-bashing thread! Good effort from quite a lot of posters though, which is nice.

A few people still seem to be missing the point though that men who sleep with men do not necessarily engage in anal sex (not that there should be anything intrinsically icky about anal sex with a man that wouldn't, surely, be present in anal sex with a woman, and who really goes that much into detail if they have the past partner talk?).

I'm kind of on the fence about just how much one owes this kind of info to a partner. If you go down the 'past partner' talk route then it would probably be relevant. If you don't, then... not really? Unless you're likely to want to suggest any kinky stuff in the bedroom that might specifically out you as having had sex with people of the opposite sex to your current partner. Though bringing it up would seem to be a useful way to filter out the twats before investing too much in a relationship.

I'm a long-time lurker, coming out of hiding specifically to say that I am a straight woman, my DP is bisexual, and it doesn't bother me at all. We have a monogamous relationship, and his past relationships with men are not a problem for me. I rarely think about it, tbh. He told me a few weeks into our relationship and he was clearly nervous. But for me, it's just a facet of who he is, and not a particularly important one at that.

So Beach - you don't get to speak for all straight women. You certainly don't speak for me. And fwiw, I consider myself a bit of a catch

OP - you should tell her, imo. It's part of being honest about who you are. For many of us, it's not a deal breaker. And if it is for your gf, well, she's just not the right person for you in the end. I hope it goes well.

Thank you to everyone who's posted helpful comments on here (including people who've stated their preference to not go out with bisexual men, but have done so in a neutral fashion)

I will post a longer reply when I've time but I can clarify that 1) I will tell her when I see her later this week (at the appropriate time, I'm not going to walk in and yell "Hi Honey, I'm bi!") 2) This is not me looking for a license to cheat, if we carry on as we are, I fully intend to be faithful to her, as I have in all my monogamous relationships

As for ILive I did think about challenging your staggeringly ignorant and offensive posts, but then I realised- You are Katie Hopkins and I claim my £5.

You are Katie Hopkins and I claim my £5.

Oh god, you could be right!

You just don't like what i say! She's gonna dump you unless she looks like the elephant man!

I don;t think I was missing the anal sex point ohfuck it was pointed out by the OP very early on and I agree that its a pointless stereotype.

I would like to draw the readers attention to my brief liaison with a professional rugby player to establish my "manly" credentials but it may make poor Beach's head explode at the idea that I could have a manly male as well as a male with a history of bisexuality.

To be fair I didn't actually ask the rugby player if he'd shagged a man before though.

(I may well be dining out on the much younger professional rugby player story for some years to come - with a bit of poetic licence thrown in)

So, ILive, you couldn't hold onto the point that we're talking past encounters rather than a non-monogamous current relationship for the entirety of one whole, brief, post?

I'm not sure the sex of the 'bestie' would be terribly relevant there, do you? Either my mum would have an unfaithful husband, or his 'bestie', male or female, would be someone he had previously had a sexual relationship with. I'm not sure she'd be too comfortable with either, would she?

OP - when my DP told me he was bi, one of the things he said that struck a chord was that he is not attracted to many people, but when he is, whether they're male or female isn't the defining factor. I thought that was quite a nice way of putting it.

Beach - you sound like a truly disgusting person.

beach
You just don't like what i say!
No kidding

Jesus woman, you're younger than me and you sound like My Great Auntie May! No I don't mind that you wouldn't accept a bisexual past in a partner - I mind that you think no-one who doesn't look like Elephant man doesn't feel the same way.

Oh and nice one by the way, that you've now made absolutely sure that your potentially bisexual daughter stays firmly in the closet.

To be honest Great Auntie May was no oil painting but was still a bit of a girl in her youth.

Kewcumber - my OH at one point was simultaneously playing competitive rugby and shagging men (pre-me). I mentioned it earlier in the thread. Beach ignored me entirely. I think because I didn't fit into her weird little world in which any contact with a penis has the same effect as a daily dose of oestrogen.

Beach, I've just thought, your police officer butterfly-inducing husband doesn't have sex with you. I guess you are probably worried he's gay? I do sympathise, but lashing out with homophobic rants and spitting envious rages at women who are, you know, getting sex is really not the way to resolve your marital problems.

In my experience a lot of men went through a stage of "experimenting" with other young men. But I suspect that Beaches dear husband daren't admit this to her!

Oh jeez this thread gone mad, in the time I took to post theres 10 more. I have work tom. Nite mad utters! :-)

Beach - you know no one is talking about open relationships at all? Just monogamous relationships with someone who has had relationships with men in the past.

Or do you presume that unless you marry a virgin you are giving your husband consent to shag any woman he wants because he's done it before?

Beach, I don't like to write people off as morons, so let me summarise why you've annoyed a lot of people on this thread.

You initially claimed that you wouldn't be happy going out with a bisexual man. Whilst some people may have taken exception to that, I could have accepted that you have your reasons for doing so. What made me (and most others) angry was your insinuation that men who have sex with other men are somehow less 'manly'- which most would take to mean strong and courageous. I was once lucky enough to know someone who was strong, brave, immensely warm and friendly, and also exclusively homosexual. By implying that he (and other gay/bisexual men), are 'unmanly', you insult his (and their) memory.

Rather than take that criticism on board, you instead decided to fixate yourself purely on the sexual aspect of this (which is quite minor, in the grand scheme of things). Somehow, you got it into your head that I (and other bisexuals), are just looking for a license to cheat, which I had already emphatically denied, and which is incredibly insulting to the millions of bisexual people who have been in and remain monogamous.

You then proceeded to denigrate any straight-bisexual relationships by claiming that only ugly/desperate women would go out with bisexual men, again this is not true, nor does it have any bearing on my problem. Rather than actually engaging with what was said, you instead gave a number of different reasons why you wouldn't want to go out with a bisexual man. Well, fine, but this thread really isn't about you, and you really don't have to use such crude language. It's not endearing, it's petulant.

In summary, you are entitled to your opinion and preferences. What you are not entitled to do is to derail a thread by spouting your own half-baked assumptions or prejudices.

This may have been harsh, but it was deserved. I hope you take onboard what I've said, and even if it doesn't dispel your prejudices, I hope you can stop making a tit of yourself on here.

(Un)Manly hugs and kisses.

On the upside hedley - you've only been called unmanly. I on the other hand am ugly, fat and desperate!

Well said hedley!