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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband playing mind games - please help

208 replies

Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 07:54

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

What the hell do I do now ?

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 28/08/2015 07:56

Tell him the divorce is still in progress, "because you're a cunt".

Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt · 28/08/2015 08:00

I'd hold him to his original 'plan' and divorce the fucker.

PurpleWithRed · 28/08/2015 08:00

"Well actually it worked really well for me, I realised life would be better for me without you, so thanks! You did me a great favour! Bye!"

Original poster
Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 08:00

He is a cunt isn't he ? I think I've lost any sense of what is normal or reasonable behaviour . I've read so many threads here about bastard husbands, I don't know what to think .

OP posts:
DottiestDoris · 28/08/2015 08:01

What Disgrace says

fastdaytears · 28/08/2015 08:02
Angry Either your instincts were right, he's been dumped and this is the terrible excuse he's come up with to cover his behaviour, or he has put you through hell for some weird "game" (the fact that he would ever call it that is the weirdest thing ever). Either way he's a cunt (as above). Stay angry and get rid of him.
Indulgingmum · 28/08/2015 08:03

OMG. I wish I could give you a big hug.

I can only say it's so difficult for you because you were trying to keep I together for your children, however how could you trust him again after playing horrible games like that. I'm afraid it shows he doesn't value you very much to risk loosing it all like that.

Saying that I'd be a cynic and I think as you said he has had another woman and for whatever reason that has ended and he's now keeping his options open. Or, maybe he saw how together you are and the fact you wouldn't have been lost with out him has made him think.

Either way. I'd send him on his merry way and say well actually you showed me how life would be BETTER with out you Jog on knobber!!!!!!!

Hugs and positive thoughts you you xx

Original poster
Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 08:03

Do I ask him to leave today ? I feel completely in a state of shock . I've locked the bedroom door and I'm hiding in here , so he's having to get the kids up for school and take them . Teenager has already left

I don't know if I'm acting like a teenager too, hiding in my room , on Mumsnet . How pathetic

OP posts:
Fabellini · 28/08/2015 08:04

Do you think he's being honest now? I'd be inclined to go with your original feeling, which is that he was dumped by OW.
He can't really be arsed to try and sort out your relationship, but it's much comfier for him to stay in the spare room than to move out on his own and have to do cleaning, shopping, etc for himself, so he's trying to convince you that you need him there. You don't.

mrstweefromtweesville · 28/08/2015 08:04

Don't believe a word of it. She's dumped him, or he's found some financial reason to want to stay with you.

dreamingofblueskies · 28/08/2015 08:04

Yy to disgrace. In a way making it all up to make you appreciate him more is worse than if he had found an OW. He has manipulated you in the most horrible way, and if I were you then there is no way I could ever trust a man like that again.

Flowers I can't imagine how angry you must be feeling.

fastdaytears · 28/08/2015 08:04

This is so shit for you. But yes he needs to go and today seems a good day to me.
You are not being a teenager. Who else are you meant to get advice from in the bathroom?
Oh, and I finally get to say LTB.
Cake I'm really sorry he's done this. He's a proper fuckwit I'm afraid. You will be a lot happier without his nonsense.

DoreenLethal · 28/08/2015 08:05

I would probably respond in a very calm fashion, when watching tv or something with 'i do have to laugh as your little game really backfired didnt it? As life is much better not being in a relationship with you'.

And definitely proceed as planned. What a wanker.

Original poster
Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 08:06

Yes, I have been trying really hard to hold it together for the kids . To keep on keeping on . I've been brave and strong . For the kids and also for our staff - to try to sell the business and keep their jobs

And now it's a FUCKING GAME?????

( I'm so glad this is MN and not NM and I can fucking swear )

OP posts:
gemsparkle84 · 28/08/2015 08:07

Ultimately if you want to save your marriage I would suggest you both need a very long talk... Will prob take months and some counselling. Why did he do this? Unless he has completely lost it this cannot have just "came out the blue" something else is behind this. To keep up the pretence so long??? It's what your children have gone through as well.... I'm sorry I can't help. You have such a long road ahead of you either way. Take your time xxx

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 08:09

No. He did want to leave. He probally did have OW and this is just back peddling.

Don't believe a word he says, either way he is a dick head.

Devorce still goes ahead Flowers

CantAffordtoLive · 28/08/2015 08:09

Well OW or not, totally unacceptable and unforgiveable behaviour. If he were my (Ex) DH I would be thinking he was having a complete breakdown.

I would not want to stay in a marriage under such circumstances and would definitely go along with pps suggestion:

"Well actually it worked really well for me, I realised life would be better for me without you, so thanks! You did me a great favour! Bye!"

QuiteLikely5 · 28/08/2015 08:09

The fact is look at what he put you through and look at what he was prepared to do to the children's lives.

I'm not sure you can get back from that.

Another one who thinks he has been dumped but the fact he was open to an affair means in the future he will be open to another one.

dreamingofblueskies · 28/08/2015 08:09

Actually, now I've thought about it I think pp are right and that he did have an OW and he thinks that saying that it was all a game is an easier way of getting out of the shit than if he admitted an OW.

Either way he's a shit and yes, if you can manage it then he should go today.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/08/2015 08:10

He doesn't sound nice and you sound better off without him.

Say, "I've had a think about what you said and I've made a decision. All these changes have shown me that I can cope emotionally and financially without you. I would happily have stayed with the man I thought you were, but by putting us through all this, you've shown that you are not him anymore. So we shall continue with the divorce, sell the business. And you can move out ASAP." He can keep ferrying the dcs around once he's moved out.

I don't believe the "game" is the truth. I think he's making up reasons. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that all his changes happened whilst pursuing an OW, but that she turned him down and nothing happened, so he thought he'd come back to you.

You're worth more than this idiot.

Original poster
Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 08:15

Gem, he's refused to talk about it over the last 6months. When I asked him recently what he was doing to " save the marriage " ( after he said he wanted to stay and " make it work " ) he said " I'm doing my share of taxi duties " .

I said that was just being a father to his own kids and also building a relationship with them so they want to see him after the split ( they are old enough to make up their own minds IYSWIM ) .

I asked him how he was " rebuilding our marriage " - he thought for a while and said " I painted the garden shed " . He didn't this with the kids one weekend in May.

That's it .

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 28/08/2015 08:20

He's made no effort and he doesn't deserve you. To put you through all this for whatever reason and expect another chance...
Oh and one day you'll look back on the fucking garden shed and laugh. I mean he didn't even build it did he? Just gave it a coat of paint...
Stay strong.

Original poster
Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 08:21

He has form . Was involved with an employee two years ago , gave her a lot of money ( some was ours , some was the businesses ) . He still maintains it wasn't an affair , which I take to mean it was EA. he takes no responsibility for it , maintains is was a " business relationship " and that I'm paranoid for thinking it was an affair

He feels like the injured party about it all . First because she dumped him and never repaid the part that was " a loan " ( yeah right ) and second because I have falsely accused him of being unfaithful .

OP posts:
Original poster
Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 08:22

No the shed has been there for years, he just repainted it. I pointed out it is half his shed , it's marital properly .

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 28/08/2015 08:25

Ah but he repainted your half too? Why a gentleman.
He's shown you what sort of person he is. Making himself out to be the victim in the last incident is just ridiculous.
Do you have friends or family close by who can help over the next few days? Not great timing to have a BH.