Husband playing mind games - please help

[Samantha28]

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

What the hell do I do now ?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Sorry! Just noticed this was an old thread.

Finding proof of an OW would be fantastic, as it would at least knock him off the pedestal he's put himself on. He sounds unbearably arrogant.

My ex was very silimiar to this, and wanted us to house-share after we split up but I knew it'd be horrific so I didn't agree.

The problem is, he feels you don't have any leverage. YOU need the business to sell so you can keep the house; YOU need him to be calm for the teenagers; YOU need to keep him sweet so he doesn't make your life miserable when he's at home. It's all on his terms. He loses nothing if he's horrible to you, does he? Everything stays the same and you keep on washing his pants.

I haven't RTFT but why will you and your husband still be essential to the business, even after you sell the business...? Will you stay on working there? I think that's the stumbling block, that you (think) you have to maintain a happy front. That allows him to be a shit to you with no repercussions.

You need to realise what HE needs from you, and start withholding that when he's a twat.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

This bit:

we are still trying to sell our business , it keeps being delayed . He says that the buyer will probably pull out if they know that we are divorcing , as we are both key people in the company.

Is that true? I really don't get it. Will you both stay on there after the sale? If you won't, then I REALLY don't think it matters that you're splitting up. The buyers probably assume you're splitting up anyway, and that that's why you're selling. Maybe ask the lawyers who are handling the sale about this.

Think about all the ways he's forcing you to keep this all secret. He knows that you'll be surrounded by support and love as soon as everyone knows what he's put you through, and he's trying to prevent it. It's time to let some cats out of the bag, I reckon.

[mummytime]

Okay - your stressed out teenager. Does he really care about her? I doubt it if he can "forget" an 11 year old and not do something to rescue them himself.
He is using the teen - don't let him.

You splitting and him leaving the home would be far less stressful than him being around, if there is: bad feeling, raised voices, or arguments.
I have a teenager with stress issues, and she really could not cope when her father and I got a bit grumpy with each other (we were mutually complaining about the other not helping with a job that needed doing).

If it is normal exam stress then you splitting is better now than later (exams now can only be "mocks" under the new system).
If it is extreme stress then his presence could even be part of the problem. And she could do with some professional help.

[summerwinterton]

Why are the business selling and him living there still so intertwined - it doesn't matter what his postcode is. The business will sell or not wherever he is living. This man is blackmailing you into letting him continue living in your home while he abuses you. He needs to leave. And now.

[JeffreysMummyIsCross]

As a teenager I lived with warring parents who hated each other. I really, really wish they had split up. It still affects me in all sorts of ways at the age of 40.

Do your kids a favour and make him leave.

[GingerIvy]

Think about all the ways he's forcing you to keep this all secret. He knows that you'll be surrounded by support and love as soon as everyone knows what he's put you through, and he's trying to prevent it. It's time to let some cats out of the bag, I reckon.

This. Absolutely.

[ricketytickety]

He's got you over a barrel psychologically because he's using your fear of losing your home and upsetting the children to stay. This could, as you have recognised, go on forever.

Give yourself a deadline with the sale of the business - the end of Jan. Whatever happens then, come out and tell your family about the separation.

Confiding in one child gives them a lonely burden (I was the child who noticed things and was confided in. Made me quite sad and later on angry - you don't want that).

Bite the bullet. Yes, there may be a chance you might lose this house, but home is where the heart is. What has your solicitor said about the house? Will it depend on the business sale? Worst case scenario you'll have to move - it could be a wonderful fresh start with your new found freedom.

The other fear: upsetting the kids. One is already carrying the knowledge in their heart. Why are the others' feelings more important? They aren't. The exams won't suffer if your teen is revising well. Divorce won't make their world come crashing down. They have to learn to deal with a certain amount of stress. Chances are they already feel the tension anyway and it might be a relief. They might say 'thought so'. As long as you are honest and clear then you can keep their stress levels low.

So, you need to just get on with it. Tell him he has a month's grace whilst the business sells but by the end of Jan he needs to find another place to live or the house is going on the market. Surely even moving house would be better for you than what is happening now (and he'll always have an excuse whilst you are washing his pants).

[Noneedforasitter]

OP - you don't sound feeble. You sound very sensible and pragmatic in your aproach. However, you do seem to have a class A f-wit to deal with.

The relationship is clearly dead, but you are business partners so you can't just walk away from each other. He needs to understand that the two of you must re-set your relationship to deal with that situation - ie by being civil and functional with each other and remove the emotion. But I can't suggest much, because you seem to be doing all the right things. He is not though.

I hope it works out for you.

[blindsider]

Samantha

As a bloke I just do not believe anyone but the sickest individual would put you through all that, just so you realise what a great person he is to have around. What a spectacular arsehole. I would dump his sorry arse.

[Samantha28]

Thank you for all the good advice .

wooshfloosh I think you are right about the solicitor . She is suggesting collaborative practice, in the hope that we could agree things without going to court . But H won't instruct anyone

Steak - this bit of your post really hit home to me ifhe wants the business sold and to not have to work with the woman he is being such a shit to then he will have to suck it up and push the deal through. If he doesnt then he was never going to anyway

This morning he said that if I leave him, he might as well not sell the business. We have spent 13 months and thousands on lawyers and accountants trying to do just that . It's not possible for me to sell just my half of it . If we don't sell, I will have to go on dealing with him after the divorce . Or let him do it himself and wreck it ( he is good with customers but terrible with money, paperwork and staff ) .

I don't understand - he hates me so much, why would he not want to stop working with me ? Because I sure as hell hate working with him .

[Samantha28]

sharingnicely you are right that he is using the kids as a weapon against me . They are a human shield

What would happen if you don't sell the business? Can he buy you out of the business and you buy him out of the house?

We'd have to go on working together . He can't do it on his own, he's crap at key bits of the job. We'd lose money . Neither of us can afford to buy the other our of the business , it's worth far more than our house . But the house is easy and quick to sell whereas the company is more valuable but fewer buyers out there and it takes ages.

[AnyFucker]

Get him to buy you out of the business and then he can employ someone to look after the money side. I presume any number of other people can do what you do (am sure you fab though no one is irreplaceable)

If you stay in the business he can continue to have some degree of control over you and make your life more difficult than it need be. That is his motivation. Make that impossible for him. At the moment you are enabling him.

[AnyFucker]

you are fab

I am sorry to say that if you really wanted out, you would find a way. At the moment you looking for as many excuses as he is, or should I say wilfully leaving things in his hands when you know full well he is going to drag his feet forever.

That is probably difficult to read (and you might be a tad pissed off with me) but from the outside, that is exactly what is looks like

You are not a tied worker, this is not the 1800's. You can extricate yourself if you wish.

[Samantha28]

Any fucker - he can't afford to buy me out the business. We are asset rich and cash poor ( relatively ) . Neither of us can buy the other out . Hence the plan to sell.

Your right, I can extricate myself. But not in the timescale I want. And not without significantly disadvantaging my kids. I'd have to walk away from our business and give him half. That's financial security for my kids, it's my pension, I've worked for it for half my life. I'm not under any illusions that he will continue to support his kids financially , I've been around Mn too long to say " he's a decent father, I'm sure he'll pay up" .

The cash for half of the business allows me to buy him out the house , so the kids can stay in their schools and with their friends. I love my house and where I stay . It's the money to put them through uni . I've bloody earned it with blood sweat and tears.

I'm not going to walk away and give it to him to avoid having to deal with him being a shit . That's exactly what he wants . Of course if it was life and death I would have to . I know plenty families have none of these things that I have . But I'm damned if I'm going to give it all to him because he's decided to leave our marriage and act unreasonably .

Yes, I'm not irreplaceable in the job in terms of my skills , I'm not under any illusions . But I have authority no employee would have , because I own it . I can stop him doing crazy things to wreck the firm.and I can check that he doesn't do anything dodgy with our assets which is a distinct possibility . He has form in this regard.

I'm not pissed with you , I'm a NC longstanding MN so I have a lot of respect for you . But I was looking for support to cope with the situation for the next few months . If I suggested giving him the rights to the family home and leaving with the kids, you'd all say " don't do it unless he's violent , get him to leave " . And it's the same with our company .

It's fine for people to suggest I get out now at whatever costs , I appreciate all honest and well intentioned views . And it's good to think of other options and how I could do things differently.

[Samantha28]

I am absolutely NOT leaving him in charge of the sale and the delay is not caused by him in any way . That doesn't mean he can't pull out at any time as he's now threatening to do . Or that the delay might not be suiting his plans .

But I've dealt with all aspect of the sale so far and the delays are caused by the prospective purchaser .

[AnyFucker]

Samantha, if nothing else would/could work for you then your only option is to push forward with the divorce. Stop pretending either of you are protecting the children (he is blatantly not and you are not either, tbh) and let the legal machine sort it all out.

He is not going to cooperate, that is clear

[AnyFucker]

I am glad you are not pissed off with me, btw. Take what you need/can use from the thread, as always.

[Sharingnicely]

You must be very strong to have got through this so far. But probably quite worn down as well. Can you get away for a short period for a break - to get some distance? It sounds like you have to live and work with this man who you don't like or respect anymore; you're just trapped right next to him all the time.

It's obviously a complicated situation but you're just as obviously a very capable and smart person, and there may be a way out that you can't identify at the moment.

I'm sure you've thought of all these things, but here are some suggestions I haven't read so far (apologies if they've been mentioned already):

Could he move out into rented accommodation for the time being?
Could you start divorce procedures (in private) before the business is sold? It might at least feel like you are in charge of the situation and moving towards the future.
Would he agree to mediation/ counselling - not about your relationship but how to manage your shared responsibilities together?
Is there anyone you can appoint or trust to take over some of your shared responsibilities, e.g. an employee who can step in at work or a friend/ relative who can act as a neutral go between for family issues?

[mimishimmi]

Tell him you've called his bluff?

[KiwiJude]

If he backs out of the business sale can you sell the house and use your funds to buy him out of the business? It sounds like the business needs you more than it needs him?

[Samantha28]

Such helpful and insightful comments here , thank you so much . Sorry I have not replied to everyone but I have read everything carefully

The problem is, he feels you don't have any leverage. YOU need the business to sell so you can keep the house; YOU need him to be calm for the teenagers; YOU need to keep him sweet so he doesn't make your life miserable when he's at home. It's all on his terms. He loses nothing if he's horrible to you, does he? Everything stays the same and you keep on washing his pants

Thai sums up the situation exactly . It rather hit home to me as I did two loads of his washing yesterday .

There are lots of things here I hadn't thought about . In fact I could initiate divorce now, as the solicitor says I easily have grounds under unreasonable behaviour . So I don't need to use separation .

And Id not thought for getting counselling- mediation for the divorce . Husband is obsessed by looking good in front of people , he might not work with the process because he will need to look good in front of the mediator . Yesterday he admitted to me that he's been lying to his therapist - he's been going every week for 10 months . Such a pointless watse of money , but that sums him up . He's rather play the victim with her and get sympathy than sort out his shit .

I'm thinking carefully about what you said about the kids. I didn't confide in one of them , they are all too young. But one of them overheard H shouting at me and asked about what he had overheard . He's not close to his dad and he wasn't upset . I'm not saying it's not a stress for him but he's a very private child .

Some of you asked about the house . I wouldn't have to sell it if we split now, it's at least 12 years before the children will be finished their education and H has enough resources to buy elsewhere . However he could easily rent now - another thing I hadn't thought of . He kept going on about my giving him money from the business or rather taking on debt for the business ,which I don't want to do .

I can see that he's blindsided me a bit by saying

" well since YOU want me to leave, here are my term and conditions. I will only agree to leave if you do this, this and this "

Like so much in our marriage , he calls all the shots. It's his way or not at all.
He's not particularly aggressive. Just very VERY manipulative .

[steakpunararemediumwelldone]

God he has it all worked out in his favour doesn't he. Can you arrange a meeting with your solicitor to talk through what would actually happen if you divorce with the house and the business? It is easy for us to say 'just file for divorce' but I can see from this newest message that you do not seem ready. I think you would benefit from someone telling you the cold hard facts of how it will go so that the next time he lays his ridiculous demands out you can laugh and tell him a solicitors recommendation.
Also I think you would really benefit from telling just one person in your life the whole thing. Just to have someone on your side for when he is being manipulative.

[AnyFucker]

Please stop doing his washing !

[Penfold007]

OP you need to up your game, I understand that you need to protect the business and the children but please don't fool yourself the children are being affected.

Start being proactive, get a shit hot lawyer and start taking control. He lives away half the week so that's where the other woman or women are. Stop doing his laundry your sending him and the children very mixed messages.
He's an EA and neglectful father and you nerd to stop enabling this.

[magoria]

He is also spending family money on himself.

Laser eye surgery, hair replacement etc don't come cheap.

Can you find an alternative buyer?