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Relationships

Husband playing mind games - please help

208 replies

Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 07:54

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

What the hell do I do now ?

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 08:07

Steak - last meeting I had with the ( divorce ) solicitor were in the middle of selling the business . It would be a sale for cash, with perhaps some shares and a small earn out ( which I'm not keen on for obvious reasons ) , so that's what we discussed .

H would continue for work for the new company, although I don't think he'll last long as he wont like answering to anyone . I will stay for the minimum time I have to and then quit .

We have a different solicitor to advise us both on selling the business. I am confident that he is objective, he's not a friend of H .

I don't see how it would work if we don't sell, even if I'm not employed by the business, I would still own it and have duties as a director . DH can't possibly afford to buy me out, especially if he's also paying rent on a house or buying with a mortgage . I'd still have to deal with him all the time .

It's NOT easy to get your money out of a family business, it's a huge problem for any owners . People face this problem all the time , on divorce or retirement . If you walk away and leave your money in, the other party can screw you over quite easily . It's fine if it's a big company , with a Board of directors and senior management team . There are too many other people involved who want to make the company work .

But if it's just a small business with two owners - you are stuffed .

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wallywobbles · 22/12/2015 08:33

I think you need to continue with the divorce and serve him the papers. At least you know where he is to serve them!

Then you take back a bit of the power. If the new owners find out you are divorcing it may have no impact. I would make his behavior public knowledge slowly. If you just keep going on with your fingers crossed nothing will change.

At the next family meal say you are getting divorced. Fait accompli. Explain that it will be more or less amicable. You both love the kids but don't love each other. Be honest with them. It won't be happening until next year but this will be the last family Christmas. Doesn't have to be a huge drama if you are calm about it. I really wouldn't wait till after Christmas.

Explain it all takes time and you will try and minimize the impact on the kids.

Stop keeping his secret.

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 09:16

I'm not kidding myself that the children are not affected. They are , I can't help that, I can't make him into a better father . Goodness knows I've tried hard. Please don't give me grief because I can't make him a better father - the world is full of people blaming women for men's faults . I don't need it on Mumsnet .

He is a very selfish and self centred person . I can't change that . Him moving out and us Getting divorced won't change that . It's not like some kind of wake up call where he's going to suddenly say " Gee, I've got two broken marriages behind me , I wonder if I should reconsider my entire personality , character and lifestyle " .

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 09:19

Magoria - we will look at alternative buyers at the end of January, if the existing isn't agreed. But we are very niche business and there's not many companies who would be I interested in buying us . It's need to be a bigger company working in the same sector .

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 09:33

Normally he refuses to talk to me about with divorce , but yesterday he did so . He says he's not agreeing to it because he wants to " make the marriage work and he's been working at this really hard for months and I've not appreciated his efforts " . I found it hard not to laugh at this point .

FYI he acts like a sulky teenager. He doesn't speak to me unless the kids are there , comes in and out of the house without saying hello or goodbye . won't fufull his responsibilities with the kids . Sulks if you ask him to do anything eg if I ask him to put his dishes in the dishwasher, he acts all martyred and says " yes I can do that for YOU" in a goady way . ( making the point that it's my job to do everything and he is doing me a big favour by helping me out .

Has HUGE rows over anything to do with the business , unless I do what he wants. Tried to drag all sorts of personal issues into any business disagreement . So if we interview someone for a job and I say " I don't think applicant A has the right experience " , he will say " well I can see that you would have issues with him because he's Australian and he reminds you of your ex " .

It's very VERy wearing and of course, the objective is to get me to STFU. So I was amazed to hear that he has in fact been working hard to fix our marriage . He's not even been acting like an acceptable lodger IMHO.

So I asked him what he has been doing , apart from painting my half of the garden shed in May ( with the kids ). There was then a lot of talk, from which I distilled the following :

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DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 09:37

He says he's not agreeing to it because he wants to "make the marriage work and he's been working at this really hard for months and I've not appreciated his efforts"

I'd tell him that I knew about the Red Pill technique and the moment he did that it was the end of any relationship so not quite sure why he is still here.

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AnyFucker · 22/12/2015 09:40

He doesn't have to "agree" to anything.
I am not dismissing how hard it must be, love. He sounds like one twat of a slippery character but you have to stop making it easier for him.

Serve the papers and tell the world. How could that be worse than this?

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Joysmum · 22/12/2015 09:49

What form is the business? Do you ha a partnership agreement or articles of association?

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StrictlyMumDancing · 22/12/2015 09:51

If you don't want to serve the papers yet, at least start telling people. If you're worried about the business then are your parents and family really going to get involved and tell your clients/customers/new buyers? Tell your kids too, you will probably find theyre relieved to have a reason for what is happening in their house. Build your support now, slowly at first if you want, but stop hiding.

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 09:57
  1. He took some days off work in the spring and summer ( about 6 or 7 single days ) to get operations on his eyes . He had two get 6 separate Operations as they didn't work ( another story ) .


I asked how this was fixing our marriage and he said before he could love me , he had to love himself . Also under that catagory has come losing some weight, which he has done after a new GP gave him a total bollocking about it and scared the shit out of him .

  1. The other thing he has done, according to him , is doing some cooking.


Background - Most weekdays I take the kids to various after school activities and so don't get home until about 7:30. The kids have already had dinner but I've not. In the past, I would get home and cook a meal for DH ( if he was in ) , but I've stopped doing it . I'll either grab a sandwich while I'm waiting for the kids or just have a bit of toast when I get home . ( Not ideal I know , but I've not had much of an appetite . )

So now if he wants dinner when he gets home at 8 pm he has to make it himself . Sometimes he will offer me some . This is what he means - when he cooks a meal for himself, he will make me some too . That's about once a week , usually in fact at a weekend , as he works away a lot.

This is what he calls making a huge effort to fix our marriage . Apparently he has agreed this plan with his therapist . I can only conclude that one or both of them is REALLY REALLY STUPID .

I did point out that some people would talk about things like love, affection, sex, caring for each other, supporting each other through difficult times, having fun together, going out . And suggested that he would have got better advice going to the local shopping centre and asking the first ten people he saw.

I asked why it hadn't occurred to him to offer me any support when my father died a few months ago, since he was making a major effort to work on our marriage . He looked suprised and said " that seemed to pass over quite quickly. You didn't seem affected by it " .

I can't decide if he's a completely callous bastard or just so utterly self centred that things don't seem real, unless they happen to him .
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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 10:05

Doreen - he denies any knowledge of the red pill stuff . It was a Mumsnetter who suggested he might be using it . I'd never heard of it and was horrified reading it - what disgusting people !

In fairness , I dont think it's anything to do with that red pill stuff, it's typical of his passive aggressive maipulations. He's now admitted that he never wanted a divorce , he was just trying to make me realise how terrible life would be without him .

I pointed out that it's had the opposite effect and I've realised how much better I would be without him . That I've seen that our " marriage " has in fact been years of my looking after his needs - domestic, sexual , emotional etc and when I stopped doing all that for him, there was nothing left .

Joywe are a limited company ( not an LLP ) with articles of association. One of us can block the other selling .

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 10:12

Strictly. I can't tell people because the kids don't know . teenager who is mega stressed has exams in a few weeks . I thought it was better to wait until she is finished in May .

I know it's not long until May , I think it's the thought of having him around for two weeks and having to play happy families in front of friends and family .im assuming that OW is married so he can't be with her over the holidays. Though I have my suspicions that he might try to get away over new year ( on a work " emergency" ) .

He has to stay home over Christmas as his adult daughter ( my step daughter ) is coming to visit and he doesn't want her to know . she is a nightmare demanding .

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DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 10:18

he denies any knowledge of the red pill stuff

Well he would do wouldn't he?

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StrictlyMumDancing · 22/12/2015 10:30

samantha I say this as someone who's parents tried the same thing. It was awful for us and we didn't quite know what was going on. Dad away a lot with work too, but never that sort of tension when he was home. Whilst my parents ended up changing their minds, when we were finally told they were going to split it was like everything clicked into place. I can't tell you what your teenager is going through for definite, but if one of your kids has figured it out then I would hazard a guess the current situation is causing them a massive lot of stress too. You may find they find it easier realising that you are trying your best for them.

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RideEmCowgirl · 22/12/2015 11:37

What's the red pill stuff? Tried google but only got stuff about the Matrix film

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 11:59

Thank you strictly , it's helpful to hear an honest option from someone who have lived through this . I really really don't want to hurt my children . If it were just me I would have left 10 month ago , business or no business .

Doreen you may well be right . Although I suspect he prefers his own more subtle form of misogyny , all that " next the bitch , you are the captain , go out drinking and weightlifting " is a bit overt for him .

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 12:11

Cowgirl - it's a EVIL sub reddit, basically training men how to abuse women . I can't believe it's not been hacked , if it was how to abuse black people or Jews is certainly would have been . There's a link up the thread somewhere .

It may be called Married Red Pill

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2015 12:16

Your children need to be told. Its a real pity actually that you did not leave this person 10 months ago.

They are also being hurt here. I would think your children are all too desperate now to see the two of you go your separate ways. They likely know all too well what is going on at home and they are seeing at first hand their parents marriage imploding. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?. They see all the unspoken stuff that happens around them, they are more aware than you care to realise.

I would tell her school in due course, exams are not the be all and end all.

May is 5 months away, you really do not want another 5 minutes of this let along 5 months of more misery.

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FredaMayor · 22/12/2015 12:23

OP, are you still ambivalent about ending your marriage in spite of all that has taken place?

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 13:13

Freda - I didn't end the marriage , my husband left our marriage 10 months ago . I'd like to at least try to fix it, but my idea of fixing it and his are light years apart. You can see in my posts what he considers to be " fixing it " .

He wants to continues living as a lodger in my house . I don't want him to go on doing this as I think it's unreasonable . I don't consider our current living arrangement to be a marriage.

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summerwinterton · 22/12/2015 13:14

Why are you so intent on fixing the unfixable? He is not interested in fixing anything really is he? Don't you think you deserve better than anything he will ever offer you?

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 13:14

If you mean the ending of the legal contract that is a marriage, then I think that's inevitable under the circumstances . Or at least a legal separation .

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Samantha28 · 22/12/2015 13:19

I would have liked to fix it because we have this kids together and have built a life with each other . I didn't get married lightly , I meant what I promised . But I can't do it alone . He has no intentions of changing anything, he's happy the way he is .

I don't imagine I will meet anyone else TBH. The world isn't full of decent single men who want to get together with a 40 something divorcee with a stroppy teenager and two small children, one with SN. I've read the online dating threads Hmm and I've had too much loss in my life already

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summerwinterton · 22/12/2015 13:21

Some of us are quite happily single. It is much better than staying in a relationship with someone who does not make you happy and who treats you with contempt. It is quite liberating actually - and for me to give it up now it would have to be someone pretty fabulous - and not a half hearted bloke who just happens to be the father of my children.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2015 13:28

He's as happy as a clam whilst you as his minions are suffering.

You built a life with him. His first marriage likely ended for very similar reasons too.

You certainly will not meet anyone else whilst you are with this person; infact you are now actively stopping your own self from meeting someone else. Your second paragraph is basically you self sabotaging yourself.

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