Husband playing mind games - please help

[Samantha28]

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

What the hell do I do now ?

[Inertia]

Cross- posted with you there- it looks as though you're already on the ball with the business and money situation.

[mulberrybag]

I don't know you but I do know that you deserve a life without this horrible excuse of a man. His emotional affair (?) from two yrs ago is more than enough reason to get rid, this latest episode is a step too far and if you take him back I don't think you'll ever be happy. Not in the true sense. Stay strong and get him to leave

[Samantha28]

Gym bunny - what I want to do is leave . I've packed a bag, taken my full daily allowance of cash out of the cash line and got my passport . Id like to go . But I have three kids .

[queenofthishouse]

Sounds like you have a good solicitor sam a couple of my friends have had terrible ones. Don't believe him - and channel your anger in to proactive things that will pave the way for when you get rid of this arse.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Could you leave the kids with him for a week or two and have a proper holiday? Just you?

[Inertia]

Don't leave- you don't want him to be able to say that you walked out on your children. They need you, because they clearly wouldn't be able to rely on their father.

He sounds like a manipulative schemer- you (and your lawyer and accountants) need to be smarter than him.

[queenofthishouse]

sam don't leave the house (unless he is violent) stick it out. You will have the last laugh

Although I'd be tempted to go in holiday for a few days!

[pilates]

Op, your relationship doesn't sound fixable. I think you will be better off without him. He doesn't respect you or even like you by the sounds of it. Get rid and you need to box clever. He sounds callous and devious.

[TendonQueen]

What he's done is made it impossible for you to trust him again in the future, because how will you ever know if anything he says is real or a game? I'd tell him that, even if you think he's lying, as the reason why the marriage is now over. And get legal advice again about all the business entanglements as he sounds like he'd be a shit about those.

[Joysmum]

Don't leave. You need more legal advice. Stay put til then.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

I remember your other thread and am so glad you took the advice on there.

He is lying. He is rewriting history to get what he wants and to stop himself realising what a shit he is. Just like he has about notOW and the money.

Mine did exactly the same. From 'I'm having an affair, I love her' passing by 'it wasn't an affair because I told you about her before we slept together' and 'she's a lesbian, actually' and finally ending at ' it never happened, I made it up so you would hate me as much as I hate myself'.

It was all total bollocks. And I think he actually believed it all! You are right, it's like a parallel universe!

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

And don't leave. Go back for legal advise

[MerryMarigold]

Do you think some of your emotion is coming from the pull that he now says he wants to stay and there is still a bit of you that wants to make this work? It must be very, very hard to let go of a relationship this long. However, we all agree with your reading on the situation and you will stay strong with this amount of support. Ask your solicitor what she thinks about the implications of you going away. If it is all ok, a short break could be great - get one lastminute.

[LucySnow12]

Hi Sam,

I have never been in your situation and so can only imagine what you must be feeling. After reading your post from November, I really hope you will be strong and divorce this man. He has absolutely no personal honour. He doesn't care about you or his children. For me, the fact that he put his own desires before your children's well being, would be a deal breaker. The lives of your children are not a game. Please contact your lawyer today. This isn't the life your deserve.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

He is a total shitbag.

No normal, sane person would behave like this as a 'game' because that is simply preposterous. So I'd say he's been having a relationship of some description with another woman. A woman who has now realised he's a total shitbag and no longer wants him.

You have learned you DO NOT need him. He adds no value to the family. He has also 'cheated' and given away money before. Kick him out. You and your children stay. You have the opportunity for financial independence and security so are very fortunate.

Enjoy the sorry look on his formerly smug face as you shut the door.

[scarletforya]

He's talking shite. He's definitely been dumped by OW.

This 'game' is just a cover story. Proceed as before, divorce him and don't listen to any more of his nonsense.

[suzannefollowmyvan]

Agreed he sounds callous, but scheming and devious?
His schemes are just not well thought out, he is transparently lying, doesnt even bother or doesnt have the brains to come up with a plausible story?

[Gymbunny1204]

I don't think you should be the one to leave the house. Tell him to book a B and B and crack on with the divorce being careful to get all protections in place before telling him. He's no longer your friend, on your team or to be trusted.

[summerwinterton]

The previous OW - did you post about her before?

I agree, he has had a recent OW, it hasn't worked out, so now he deigns to honour your marriage with his presence again. Gosh aren't you lucky. I would be divorcing him yesterday, him and his bald patch can relocate to his shiny new life and his MLC. And don't you dare leave the house.

[AlisonWunderland]

It would mean that the kids and I would be financially secure and would not be dependent on him for maintenance.

Good to have that security but does not mean that he is still not liable for maintenance for the younger children. Don't let him off

[TPel]

Set the divorce ball rolling today. You have no other option. What a cunt.

[TheLightsWinning]

First of all, want to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you Samantha28. Your "D"H sounds like a total idiot.

First of all though I would strongly advise against leaving the children with him for any period of time until a formal custody agreement is reached - It absolutely would be used against you as evidence that he should have custody. This happened to a member of my family who left the kids with her husband after she discovered he had had an affair. She subsequently lost custody. For similar reasons do not leave the house either.

Secondly, sounds like you have a fabulous lawyer who is used to dealing with weasely men, and that is perfect. Ditto with the accountant.

It's good that you have made your mind up about what you want to do - ie to end the marriage. I think now you just need to take legal advice at to the best way to achieve this.

Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to play "games" like this messing not only with your head but your childrens (they will all be much more aware of what is going on than he realises of course), deserves neither a wife or children. The long game is frustrating, but you will look back and be grateful you played it safe I promise.

A big bunch of to you. You absolutely deserve better and will get through this.

[BreakWindandFire]

OP, I know this is a bit left-field, but does he use Reddit? They have a number of 'Men's Rights' subreddits clustered around 'The Red Pill' concept. There's a famous Married Red Pill subreddit, which encourages men to play games in exactly the way your husband has.

The basic idea is that the man gets fit, looks after himself, but also leads the wife into thinking he's having an affair and/or he's happy to leave her. Men are encouraged to be emotionally distant, screw with the joint finances, and basically mess with the wife's head. The idea is that if the husband dominates his wife, she becomes submissive and sexually compliant, and she's trained into reacting to his disapproval. One of the bits of advice that men are given is that if the wife is trying to talk or reason with them, they just walk away and do manly things like mow the lawn and paint the shed (ie so they can upset the wife by dismissing her, but have plausible deniability 'look, I was doing DIY for you).

[Dragonsdaughter]

I don't think the apple falls far from the tree. You know what I mean in terms of emotional abuse and any lack of responsablity for their own actions. I'm hidding the post Samantha but am here if you want to talk .

[fastdaytears]

Break that's unbelievable. How does Reddit not get hacked...