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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband playing mind games - please help

208 replies

Samantha28 · 28/08/2015 07:54

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

What the hell do I do now ?

OP posts:

Report

Sazzle41 · 29/08/2015 17:07

A game? Please. It fizzled out with the other woman. He painted the shed! As other poster said, one day you will laugh about that. Get rid. He has form, people have patterns of behaviour, or an MO if you like. Once is happenstance/a blip, we all make the odd feck up, but twice is a pattern that they repeat.

Samantha28 · 21/12/2015 06:41

Hi y'all , I'm reviving my old thread because I'm a bit stressed out and looking for support .

Update - H is still living in the family home, in the spare room . He is refusing to move out for the following reasons

we are still trying to sell our business , it keeps being delayed . He says that the buyer will probably pull out if they know that we are divorcing , as we are both key people in the company.

teenager has exams and he says he doesn't want to upset her .

While he is still living here, he varies from acting like a grumpy but tolerable flat mate to being verbally and emotionally abusive . I don't know how much longer I can cope with this, it's been ten months .

He works away from home 3-4 nights a week , so when he's away it's fine . When he's here he's like a teenager . He comes home, dumps his washing, sits in front of the TV or computer and annoys the kids . Often he won't speak a single word to me, unless I talk to him in front of them, or if he wants something. He's just horrible .

He had agreed to have civil conversations about the three things we still have to discuss - the kids, the house and the business . But that's not happening - he is absolutely vile whenever I disagree with him in any way about anything .

It's crazy that this has gone on for 10 months . It's always going to be sorted " next month " . The buyers for our business are supposed to get back to us with an offer in the new year . I am scared to make him go now in case it screws up the deal , we can't sell and I have to go on working with him .

Getting then cash for the business allows me and the kids to stay in the house , so it's a good plan . If it comes off . But it's dragging on and on .

Now of course teenager has exams again , in January and March . Of course, teens have exams EVERY spring, don't they . So now he's refusing to move out until May . He says I need to get a lawyer and make him .

I'm absolutely dreading Christmas , when he will be around most of the time. I've never found proof of OW but of course I suspect there's one. I assume she's also married, otherwise he would be with her at Christmas. He's not then kind who will EVER admit it, he wants to keep the moral high ground ( in his warped mind ) .

I'm not sure how I can get through the next few weeks and make it a happy time for the kids. Let alone 5 months ,when he has agreed to leave .

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 21/12/2015 06:55

Have you heard from him that the buyer of the business is going to take longer or directly from the business? I'm wondering if he is playing games as he knows you need the business money and no doubt he no longer wants to sell it.

Samantha28 · 21/12/2015 07:08

I can see why you are asking, but I have seen the correspondence and attended a meeting with the buyers so I know this delay at least is not made up by him .

And you are right - he's started to make noises about " well I'm not sure if I want to sell now " . Though I suspect he will , IF we get a reasonable offer. He's late 50s now and it's only going to get harder to sell.

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 21/12/2015 07:11

dumps his washing

Please say that you are not doing his washing!

Can you just ignore him? No food cooked for him etc. He is not welcome to join you for meals. If he's threatening and abusive report him to the police. Maybe call WA for advice

RideEmCowgirl · 21/12/2015 07:31

Do nothing for him i.e washing etc

Keep log of everything he says, all text's and emails. This will be proof of how unreasonable he is.

rumred · 21/12/2015 07:34

Have you told the children? It must be hellish for them too, and it might put more pressure on him to behave like a decent human being. I hope you're getting support from friends and family, it sounds absolutely horrendous for you. What a horrible man

Sharingnicely · 21/12/2015 07:37

How much do the kids know? If they don't know the full story then they must have picked up on the atmosphere. Can you find a way to focus solely on then - don't think of yourself having any relationship with their father except inasmuch as you have to protect /prepare your kids to deal with the situation (now and in the future). Easier said than done, I know.

Have you spoken to a lawyer again? He or she might be able to suggest another way to exit the marriage.

Sorry you are in this hellish situation

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/12/2015 07:39

Do you have a lawyer? Can you file for divorce and keep it quiet? I'm not sure how accurate his statement is that you can't sell the business if people know you are divorcing?

StillYummy · 21/12/2015 07:40

It's my game to and I decided that play the field, without you! What a balding twat.

Joysmum · 21/12/2015 07:40

Have you gotaseperstion agreement in place?

He's staying because he gets the best of both worlds.

Samantha28 · 21/12/2015 07:44

Please don't make me admit I'm doing his washing . I don't iron and I don't cook for him , unless he's there and I'm cooking for everyone, which is rarely.

I've not told the kids , as we are trying to keep things stable for the exam stressed teenager . One of the others has guessed and asked me directly . He's the most sensitive one, so has picked up on my feelings . The others are just busy with their own lives, like most kids .

We've not had a close marriage for years and their father has always worked away a lot . I suppose it just seems normal to them. I know it's a crap example of marriage BTW

OP posts:

Samantha28 · 21/12/2015 07:47

I have a lawyer who advises that yes I can " make him " move out . But of course he's holding the business sale and our teens welfare over my head.

I have to say that he's never bothered about teenager's education so much in his life , he goes to parents evenigs if he's here and that's about it . They are not close. I know it's mostly a device to stall me but there is some truth in it .

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 21/12/2015 07:50

Don't do anything for him, he's a nasty cunt.

Why on earth are you washing his clothes?

Samantha28 · 21/12/2015 07:52

Joy - to be legally separated we have to let family and friends know . It's not enough just to have separate rooms.

He won't agree to anything and refuses to get a lawyer. This isnt because he is scared of them or can't afford one. He's just being obstructive . His position is " well you want me out so you have to do all the running ".

This is also how he justifies ( to himself ) being so obnoxious. Because I want to end the marriage . No I didn't . But what we now have is a house sharing arrangement and yes I do want to end that .

OP posts:

WhoooshFlooosh · 21/12/2015 07:59

Unfortunately, I think the only way you will get him to move out is with the help of a solicitor.
There will always be something happening in the DCs lives that will make you consider postponing the divorce. But what is this doing to your mental health? How are the DCs coping with the atmosphere in the house? Will the situ carry on indefinitely while you wait for the business to be sold, the DCs to leave home etc?

As pp have said - don't do his washing, cooking, cleaning!
He's a shit, you deserve better.

Samantha28 · 21/12/2015 08:00

I don't mind the washing, it's the least of my worries. I'm doing it anyway for the rest of us. If he cooks for himself and I am hungry, he will cook enough for me . So it only seems fair .

It's the constant nastiness I can't cope with, he picks fights about every bloody thing . But I have to keep negotiating with him because of the business .

Mostly I do everything myself for the kids, because he often lets them down. Last week he left 11yo crying in the station 15 miles away because he forgot to pick him up . I was picking up another child elsewhere . I had to keep 11 yo on the phone for 40 mins until I could get to him .

As I'm writing this I can see how feeble I sound . I know these are first world problems < check us with two cars and a business > . I know there are two women killed every by their partners or exs and I'm whinging about mine being mean to me . Pathetic

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 08:00

How could him leaving be worse for the kids than this current situation ?

WhoooshFlooosh · 21/12/2015 08:13

You can't change how he behaves towards you - that's his choice. But you can change how you react to it.... I know that's easier said than done.

steakpunararemediumwelldone · 21/12/2015 08:17

This is not the definition of first world problem! It is difficult. I would wait until christmas is over and then tell the children. It is not ideal for exams but the current situation cannot be doing them any favours at all. He is letting them down now. This will only get worse.
Then you will be able to tell friends and family that you are legally separated. This is exactly what he wants to avoid and exactly why it needs doing.
Then get your solicitor moving on removing him from the house as he is banking on the status quo. Do not give it him. If he wants the business sold and to not have to work with the woman he is being such a shit to then he will have to suck it up and push the deal through. If he doesnt then he was never going to anyway.
Buy a basket. Put his washing in so it is not dumped on the floor. Ignore.
Tell him from now on the conversations can go through email to aboid fights. This will either force him to be polite or give your solicitor ammunition for the divorce.
Once your solicitor gets in touch he will soon grab a lawyer for himself. He is selfish enough for that.
I can see that it is difficult but you can take back the power here. Get him on his toes panicking because you have done everything he is conditioning you not to do.

Pidapie · 21/12/2015 08:20

That is ridiculous behaviour, and I would not put up with it I'm afraid. I hope you find a good solution.

Sharingnicely · 21/12/2015 08:20

He is holding you to ransom. But he is not thinking about the kids - neither their emotional nor financial safety. He is using them as an excuse so that he can set the terms.
What would happen if you told him that the situation was unbearable and you wanted something to change? What would happen if you don't sell the business? Can he buy you out of the business and you buy him out of the house?

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WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/12/2015 08:22

I doubt it was a game. If there were large amounts of money involved, it wasn't a game.

pocketsaviour · 21/12/2015 08:24

It's now a first world problem, he's being an utter shitbag (what a surprise!)

Why haven't you told friends and family? Surely the DC know there's something horribly amiss in the house. Honestly think you should tell them, and your families, asap. "The truth will set you free". Don't keep his dirty little secrets.

petalsandstars · 21/12/2015 08:27

He wants you to do the running. So do it!

Run to the shop for a separate laundry basket.

Run to a shot hot lawyer and get the ball rolling.

Remove his home comforts and then he's less likely to want to stick around.

And if one child knows it is so unfair to have the responsibility on them to keep this horrid secret. Tell the other kids so at least they can support each other. Tell your family and friends. Take control.

It is surely far worse for the kids to be in a house with constant nastiness than one where they at least know the reason.

Flip

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