Husband playing mind games - please help

[Samantha28]

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

What the hell do I do now ?

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Oh Samantha :( he's a prize isn't he?

Painted the shed?! That's an amazing answer. It's like saying, "I've prepared lunch for us both, by squirting bleach down the drains!" one thing has exactly nothing to do with the other.

He's a cheating idiot.

[Samantha28]

He still maintains that it was Ok to give this women all this money because there was no PIV. He said last night " you have to see it in context. It was a business decision " .

I think I live in a parallel universe

[fastdaytears]

Can we have a shed emoticon for something that has fuck all to do with anything else and is a bit of a non-point.
Is the shed comment typical of how he approaches discussions about your relationship?

[AlisonWunderland]

Tell him that you really appreciate him painting the shed as that means it's nice for him to move into.

[fastdaytears]

No, you're the one who can see it in context. It clearly wasn't a business decision. But you can't argue with someone who's justified something to themselves to that extreme a level. And you don't need to because this is a decision not a negotiation.

[pocketsaviour]

Well he sounds like a prize cunt, doesn't he?

"I painted the shed" - I had to laugh, sorry, I can't believe an adult human would think that was a reasonable answer!

What do you want to do now, OP? I would suggest having another chat with your solicitor re the practical and financial side, but emotionally is there a good friend or relative you can call/see today and just vent about what a prize prick he is?

[hebihebi]

I agree, it sounds like he is comfy where he is and wants to stay in the marital home. But how can you trust him after all this? He is playing games. He's playing games to get what he wants and has no problem lying to you to get his own way.

[pocketsaviour]

PS I agree with PPs that he had an OW and now she's dumped him.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I'm liking the idea of a shed emoticon :)

There is no way to rebuild things with someone who thinks that any work they do, no matter how irrelevant to the marriage, is working towards rebuilding things. It sounds like he thinks that anything that makes him uncomfortable, must be him doing good. So him rationalising giving money to the OW, as him making sacrifices for the business and therefore benefiting you, is not a surprise.

He isn't going to change, is he? He cannot see what he is throwing away. I am so sorry you're going through this.

[gamerchick]

He's hoping things will just blow over now. Game or not (what a load of bollocks) he's going to dig his heels in about leaving. He really won't want to give up his creature comforts if he has to go it alone now.

[MerryMarigold]

Another one thinking an OW or an EA that hasn't worked out. You can never trust him again, since he hasn't even come clean about it, but turned it into a mind game. It's a pretty low down backpeddle. You could ask (if you even want to engage):

• Why did you want to move out if it was a game, and wait till a solicitor told you to stay put for a couple of months?
  
• Why did you put no effort into rebuilding things if that was what you really wanted? Then give him a list of things he can do when his next relationship breaks down.
  

And finally...

• Were you having an affair?
  

I very much doubt he will be honest, but it gives him a final opportunity to behave like an adult.

Proceed as you were, with divorce and selling business. The kids will be much better off with you feeling clear headed and not messed with.

[Joysmum]

i too believe it was an affair ended that he's trying to explain away.

Even taking this on face value, do you really want to be with a man who who choose to wage a sustained campaign to hurt you rather than choosing to be kinder and more living to improve the marriage

Your marriage should make you happier and bring out the best in you both, what's your marriage doing to you?

[petalsandstars]

Divorce him - all this is unreasonable behaviour (on his part)

[dawntigga]

He had an ow she dumped him. He's also found a financial reason to stay. Check the business books today, if not sooner, something is hinkey. He thinks he can get away with it because the gaslighting worked so well last time. You have choices to make none of which will be easy. He's shown you who he is it's up to you to believe him or not.
LTBNowAndThankTheUniverseYouNoLongerHaveToPutUpWithHisShitTiggaxx

[suzannefollowmyvan]

he's 'avin a larf at your expense OP

why would anyone want to stay with a partner who treats them with such contempt

makes it up as he goes along and expects you to swallow any old bullshit :(

[Berthatydfil]

I think I remember your original posts about him wanting to sell up one of properties (?) to fund him getting a new place .
I think the general consensus was he was trying to do you over and I'm glad you went and got some legal advice. However you still ended up selling your business - which is a pretty dramatic thing to have to do especially as it's a source of income (I assume for both of you) which won't be replaced and secondly affects your employees which can't have been nice for them.
Who in their right mind does that as a game?
Like other pps I assume the OW has dumped him and he would now prefer to carry on his batchelor life at home with the odd bit of taxiing and shed painting thrown in.
This is a game you don't have to play so tell him that and tell him to leave as planned.

[53Dragon]

It's hard to face up to the end of a long relationship. I'm still untangling myself from all the emotions three years later - I keep coming up with excuses not to sell our lovely family home even though I was the one who wanted the split and I moved out into a rented property.
He's had an OW and he's not committed to your marriage any more - the things he's saying now are just signs of his emotional immaturity.
Btw for financial reasons I had to move back into the spare room in the family home and my h locked himself in his bedroom a lot - and who can blame him. We're going to get divorced now. He's been with a lovely new partner for nearly 2 years and I've recently started a new relationship too. Doesn't mean it isn't difficult to face up to what you're turning your back on (if that makes sense).

[MerryMarigold]

he would now prefer to carry on his batchelor life at home with the odd bit of taxiing and shed painting thrown in.

Spot on.

[Inertia]

Either you're right and he was having an affair and she's dumped him- in which case get rid because he's a lying cheating slimeball.

Or he actually is playing games, in which case get rid because nobody needs to be exposed to such sustained mind-fuckery from someone who is supposed to be your life partner.

Unfortunately for him, the decision about how the marriage proceeds is not his to make- he doesn't get to decide that he'd prefer to stay married after all. That ship has sailed, and you need to leave him on the quayside with his hair transplant and newly-repainted shed .

(Actually keep the shed- it'll probably be useful. Much more useful than the husband.)

[queenofthishouse]

op he is treating you like this now because he has gotten away with taking you for a mug in the past. He must think you are stupid. You are not - your seeing him for the liar and cheat he is.

This is financial why he is doing an about turn. Don't trust him. Check your finances, could he has squirrelled money away? My friend found out her exh had hidden £30,000 in savings from her untill the devorce. You don't really know anybody untill they are forced to show their hand.

[Samantha28]

We are still trying to sell the business , it's taking months. The company who are buying it will keep on the staff , at least that's the plan. The staff and the trade are the assets , so they would all keep their jobs.

It would mean that the kids and I would be financially secure and would not be dependent on him for maintenance. I've been here long enough to know how many men default on default on child support .

Ive also appointed new accountants after advice on here , as I don't trust him with the accounts after what happened before with OW ( who wasn't OW honest ) .

[Gymbunny1204]

I'm so sorry Samantha.

What do YOU want to do now?

[Inertia]

Oh, and it'd be worth you looking into whether him giving away your money and business money without your permission can be treated as fraud, theft, or some kind of pre-divorce disposal of assets. He wants you to look at it as a business decision, because he is trying to distract you from the fact that it might actually be theft from the company.

[Samantha28]

Queen - you are right about the money , the lawyer gave me very good advice about that, which I've followed to the letter . I am detective Samantha

[queenofthishouse]

I bet he is shitting himself because of the new accountants.