It's only an FB friend request

[winkywinkola]

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

[Jan45]

I think if the OPs OH had ended it then I'd be more inclined to believe the OW is the main culprit here, he never, he stopped because the OP found out.

Contacting the OW may shed some light on what exactly did go on, she's only ever heard his side of the story, which, in most cases, I'm afraid is minimised to the max.

[FredaMayor]

^^ Jan45. Exactly right, IMO.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Not really- the op realises that had it gone on it probably would have become sexual but their correspondence, his story, his bank accounts all say the same thing.

There comes a point where you have to trust or not.

He left the home, has arranged counselling, anti depressants, has re-commited to the marriage - I'm not sure what else he is supposed to do.

Contact the desperate ow if you like- but don't expect her to tell 'the truth'

[Jan45]

Point is John, the OP doesn't really know if it was sexual or not, the OP is monitoring all his accounts/social media/emails, it's not been off his own back.

I wouldn't trust my OH if I had discovered he had secret meetings with another woman and discussed our intimate life with her, it would take more than him cutting contact to make me trust again, it would take a hell of a lot more than that and a long time of him acting like my husband.

You have no idea if the OW is desperate, all she did was click on a button to send the request.

So easy to blame the OW in this situation.

[FredaMayor]

JFR I do see what you're saying about trust and making amends, but it does strike me that whatever was going on only stopped because OP found out. OP has only heard DH's side of the story and IME minimising to the max is what usually happens when a cheater is at first confronted with their activities.

I also agree with you that OW will have no interest in telling OP the truth.

[SisterConcepta]

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Many marriages go through rough patches and come out the other end. We all make mistakes. It shouldn't always be assumed that when a spouse makes a stupid mistake that they are a lying cheating rat.

[Glitteryarse]

You can blame the OW on this instance! She sent the bloody request!

Op has already chose to move forward to try and save her marrage. She probably should have contacted her back when it happened. She chose not to. I can't see how contacting her now will do any good to the amount of work that's been put in to salvaging this marrage.

It may have only stopped because op found out. It might have fizzled out in its own accord - that does happen.

But op feels he has made a huge effort to prove what a monumental fuck up her made. People make mistakes. No one is perfect.

I don't see how posters baying for her DH blood and convinced he is about to rekindle an affair and she must engage with a woman who was party to nearly wrecking her marrage is helping.

What does it matter if she is married or not? Op and Dh are trying to get back on track. The OW and her life are not included.

op good luck and I hope you manage to get to a happy place again

[Jan45]

Nobody is baying for blood Glittery, quite a few on here don't believe his story adds up, the OW might have been able to shed some light on it.

Do you actually know what the OPs husband said to OW when the OP discovered their secret liaisons, no you don't so her sending a friends request doesn't mean she's out to wreck havoc on their marriage, obviously what he said at the time wasn't strong enough to deter her from getting in touch.

Who said he was rekindling anything? Where is that about?

I also hope the OP and her OH get to a good place but it's going to take a lot of time and effort from him.

Again, lot of blaming on the OW when it's him who is the cause of her marriage melt down.

[DiscoDiva70]

JFR and Glittery
You've both totally slated this woman by between you calling her a 'cow' and a 'liar and a cheat' and someone with no 'integrity'.
Well if she's all you label her to be then she probably won't have any qualms in telling the Op what really went off with Op's H will she?, especially if she is now or always was single.
The Op hasn't given much information as regards to what was written in the emails, except for the fact that Ow knew HE was married.
As we've already established, its irrelevant whether Ow is/was married or not anyway.
What matters is the Op is clearly not comfortable with the story her H has told her, otherwise she wouldn't have asked for advice on here!

Glittery, people aren't baying for the H's blood at all, some of us realise that it's HE who is the real one at fault, yet you and others obviously just blame the Ow.
You really need to be more realistic!

If the Op doesn't atleast try and get to the truth (again, I will say by contacting the Ow) then how will she ever be able to get back on track or whatever else she chooses to do with her marriage?

At the moment she must be in limbo.

[winkywinkola]

Well, I certainly don't think she's getting in touch to offer support and strength to our marriage!

And judging by h's shocked reaction when I showed him her profile pics confirming it was her, I think her contacting him was the last thing he expected. He said their last conversation was very definite "goodbye because I want my marriage to work."

Also, I think it's naive to think ow would reveal all.

If she would like to rekindle things with h, then she's not going to p*ss him off by letting me know what alternative truth is out there, is she? She's certainly not my friend. She probably would prefer it if h didn't want to be married to me anymore.

And I can't see any sign of an h on her profile pic. But then that doesn't mean anything either. He might not like FB.

On a perfectly shallow note, I was surprised at how plain she is and how many selfies she's got on her page.

[Glitteryarse]

jan and diva I think we will just have to agree to disagree.

op don't look at her pics. She really isn't worth the brain space.

[DiscoDiva70]

Winky, obviously she isn't 'getting in touch to offer strength and support ' to your marriage!

She highly likely wants to pick up where she left off with your H, and if as you say your H will just continue to ignore her then why should she be worried about revealing all to you and pissing your H off if you do contact her?
She'd have nothing to lose by telling you everything!

The 'story' your H has fed you is in my opinion quite unbelievable and to think otherwise is I would say being incredibly naive.

[winkywinkola]

Okay. Well let's assume they had mad rampant sex several times. Smashing.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Why is it unbelievable?

Two posts back you were arguing that the ow was probably single and the ops dh had made up she was married. I don't know where you're getting this information from.

No one has said the dh is blameless. Again, this is being made up. The marriage has nearly broken over his actions. It still might. He's been a twat. Everyone gets that obviously.

But this idea that the ow who is now reaching out to him - despite it being over- is some lovely blameless innocent is ridiculous.

She's not a nice woman, she has no concept of sisterhood and she really can't be trusted.

[DorisDazzler]

It's really not surprising that this contact has stirred up strong feelings. If this only happened 8 months ago your still in the early stages of recovery.Anybody would be incredibly angry at the blatent attempted contact.

It does get better.

[Christinayanglah]

Winky

He has been unfaithful, whether that includes sex or not, you may never know

It's really up to you now to decide whether you want and can put this behind you, only you know your history and relationship

You have mentioned that the marriage was awful at that time, I assume that was for both of you, did you deal with it by meeting someone else?

The problem is you now need to decide whether you want to leave the marriage and wonder if he really was telling the truth or stay and wonder if if he was lying. A horrible predicament and one that he put you in

I hope at one point you get peace of mind

[DiscoDiva70]

JFR
Why is it unbelievable? - It's unbelievable, in my opinion, because generally a married man would not meet a woman for coffee 5 times and buy her a gift without it being physical too.
If it was all innocent then why has the H promised to the Op that he'll ignore this woman etc etc should she contact him at work or wherever?
It DOES NOT ring true, by the way I'm entitled to my own point of view!

Also, where have I suggested the Ow is some blameless innocent? if you read the posts properly you will read that I do think she's wrong to pursue a married man!
When I wrote that she may tell the Op the truth, I didn't mean out of the 'goodness of heart'!
I meant that the Op may get the truth out of her when she realises that Op's H isn't going back for more.

[Glitteryarse]

yes disco it is just your opinion doesn't mean it's a fact or the truth. Are you the ow? You seem hugely determined that you know more than anyone else...

[winkywinkola]

I don't think anyone is claiming there is anything innocent at all about all this. Not at all.

H has admitted to an emotional affair - he defined it as that from reading Shirley Glass's book. He said the secrecy made an emotional affair. Flirting, hand holding, reassuring each other that there was nothing wrong with each other, they are attractive, loveable people.

[winkywinkola]

Lol, Glittery. I'm starting to wonder about their inside track too!

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

You are entitled to your opinion, of course. Just as I am entitled to ask why you hold that opinion. You answered that it doesn't ring true to you. Ok.

You haven't said that OW was a blameless innocent, no, but you said, You've both totally slated this woman by between you calling her a 'cow' and a 'liar and a cheat' and someone with no 'integrity'. so I assumed that you thought she was a very honest and a moral person and that we were being unfair.

[Christinayanglah]

You will get triggers and that's the hard part, every time you think you have moved on something else can pop up

If you have decided to work at it then there is really no point in contacting ow, if however you still have doubts then you could consider messaging her, however, there is no guarantee that she would respond or tell you the truth

[XiCi]

Wow, can't believe that this is still going on, the constant badgering of the OP to not believe her DH despite evidence to the contrary and him doing everything since to save his marriage.

Anyone suggesting the OP should contact the coffee woman for the truth is either completely naive or not acting in the OPs best interests. People are especially manipulative when there is a love interest. The truth is the last thing you would get. To invite her into your life Op would cause nothing but trouble. Move on with your life Op and I would also move away from this thread, there seems some very strange agendas here

[DorisDazzler]

Winky I would consider more counselling. Being miserable , or having a bad marriage doesn't cause affairs. Otherwise we would all be doing it. What does cause affairs is lack of coping strategy , selfishness and other traits. I'd want to see that those character flaws have been acknowledged and replaced by something more healthy.

[DiscoDiva70]

JFR you assumed that I thought the Ow was an honest and moral person because I pointed out what you'd called her?
You assumed wrong, I pointed out that if she was everything that you and Glittery had accused her of being then she'd probably have no qualms about telling the Op everything that had really gone on

Have I made that clear now?

Glittery, I never said that my opinion is a fact, it's just my opinion!
Do you know the meaning of the word opinion?
And you ask if I'm the Ow? seriously?