It's only an FB friend request

[winkywinkola]

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

I wouldnt expect the truth of a liar and a cheat which is what she is, she could play it down or she could exaggerate. She could have been pissed and needed a shoulder to cry (boo hoo) or she could have been trying to rekindle. Your DH has lied and cheated but you've seen him do a 360 and can see him being sorry and trying to save your marrage. I'd just let it go and move on. Phoning her Dh will do fuck all apart from creating drama and inviting her shit in to your life.

Glittery, in response to your post yesterday aimed at me, 16:54, where you ask if I know what's happened?, am I privvy to information regarding the Op etc? , well I could ask the same of you.

Above you describe the Ow as a liar and a cheat, but how would YOU know?

The Op should call her, in my opinion, as she may reveal the truth of what's gone on.
For all we and the Op know, she may not have known he was married. Of course if she did, then her behaviour is wrong.

The one thing we do agree on is that the H is at the very least a liar (by omission) and highly likely a cheat. The ONLY way I believe the Op MAY get the truth is if she contacts this woman.

Yes, h lied and he at least cheated in having secret meetings with this woman.

She knew he was married. Most definitely she knew that. That was the whole point. Both unhappily married.

His fb profile pic is of me and him. She knows we are married.

She is fishing. I think contacting her would give a chink into our lives and encourage her. She's not someone who seems to get it.

H says that when he told her in December that he wasn't going to see her anymore, she was angry that I was pissed off.

She apparently couldn't understand how it had come to that. As if sneaking about dating my h behind everyone's back and sending soppy emails saying "missing you xxxxxxxx" and "you're great xxxxx" "i've got the urge to call you xxxxxxxx" was absolutely no problem.

Yes, yes, this married woman who sneaks around with a married man and then is outraged when he says it must stop - 'we haven't done anything wrong' and who then later FB requests him, is, contrary to what her behaviour suggests, a model of integrity and honesty and is the only one the op can trust.

What bollox.

X posted.

Op, she's a cow. She might be a very unhappy cow but she's a cow.

Concentrate on what you want...it sounds like until this things have been much improving with you and dh.

If someone is blocked from your FB account, what can/can't they see?

Hi winky

They can't find you at all. You effectively disappear even your comments on other peoples posts. You might be seen in photos on other posters accounts but that is all. She cannot request friendship or send messages.

However this won't prevent anyone who creates a 2nd account in a different name with the intention of snooping, taking a look at public posts by you or OH

Hope that helps X

They can't see anything if they are blocked.

Glittery I don't really disagree with your statement that informing the husband will achieve fuck all. When spouses discover affairs , they definitely dont do fuck all.

Has anybody battered the ow in this thread?

No but I followed her around Tescos shouting at her after she tried to
talk to my DD in the pub. Im sure you can see a pattern in my behaviour!!

Lol. I meant attacked the ow in my case on this thread.

I think 'attacked' would be strong...

OP you are understandably furious with this woman. She has threatened your security and changed your future. All without a thought for you or your children and tbh not much for your OH either.

She has seen an attractive man with potential, a good listener (and if he is not ordinarily so attentive there is a little flag waving) and a possible playmate to distract her from her own unhappiness. So she is going for what she wants.

Ok, but how does attacking her help you? Truthfully it doesn't, not in the long term. Yes it would be lovely to scream and rant at her and vent some of the frustration but really she is not your concern here. If your OH is that way inclined (I don't know him) then it could have been any woman. He would have found one.

I may have misread here but I assumed these two met up in November/December 2014 and your marriage was already struggling prior to this time. Is this correct?

He has behaved badly and no, I don't think a marriage in trouble is any reason to go making secret "dates" with another person.

The question for you is how you get past this. Your marriage has now changed irrevocably. It cannot entirely be put right. He betrayed you in the worst way ever and I'm assuming you would not have dreamed of similar behaviour because you loved and respected him and would have put his feelings first. Am I right?

That all sound negative and I'm truly sorry. Some people stay and they work at it and maybe it works maybe it doesn't. You will always remember this. Can you really put it out of your mind and if you can just how long do you think this will take? Months, years? And then if you realise, years later, that no actually you can't, are you going to be even more angry about that wasted time?

I am sorry. x

Winky, the "other woman" means nothing on this thread, it is her intrusion on your ongoing life that we are advising on.

If you genuinely believe, nothing more is happening between them, then let him show that, in what ever way helps you- you decide! But he has to show and reassure you.

Yep. You're right.

But h went for her before. She's popped up again. So naturally, I'm going to prepare for that betrayal.

I did say to h perhaps we should just split and start afresh with other people. No trust issues. No waiting for the worst.

He pleaded for another chance, saying the last five months or so have been really great for us and all he wants is our marriage, children and life.

I still feel like I want to punish them both and make them feel a deep, scouring loss and shame. Shame on me for wanting to do that, I guess.

disco we know the ow is a liar and a cheat because she entered in to a relationship behind her husbands back. That's lying and cheating.

doris what impact on op will it have if she tells ow DH? (If he doesn't already know?) he might kick her out, he might file for devorce... But what benefit will op get out if it? Nothing. it will just invite more agro and open up a new line of contact directly to op

doris what impact on op will it have if she tells ow DH? (If he doesn't already know?) he might kick her out, he might file for devorce... But what benefit will op get out if it?

It will get another pair of eyes watching what the OW does, and may get her busy putting out fires at home.

OP, normally I wouldn't recommend contacting the OW directly. But who cares what she thinks of you, or if she thinks she's 'getting' to you? What it will do is show her that EVERY contact she makes to your husband is seen by you, because there are no longer any secrets between you and your husband. You are a united front now.

Your husband should write a short note, via email that he then deactivates immediately, just telling her not to contact him in any way - with both your names at the bottom.

I don't know if your husband is telling the truth, but from what you've said (his story is always consistent) I would be inclined to believe him.

Regarding the Facebook request... did I read upthread that the ow didn't have a Facebook account before? I think when you first join it asks to connect with your email address book and uses that to find your friends. She may not even have deliberately sought out your husband if this is the case?

Just putting it out there as a possibility.

The fact that you and your husband have been having couples counselling (lots of philanderers refuse this) and the story stays the same makes me think you and your husband are lucky enough to be able to rebuild your marriage, which it sounds like you were doing. I would focus on that. It would be a real shame to give up on a relationship over five coffee 'dates' where no bodily fluid was exchanged.

The more this eats you up, the more likely your marriage will suffer as your husband will begin to think 'i might as well have fucked someone else' and then go ahead and do it.

If you believe him, then believe him. Keep working on the problems that led him to pour his heart out to someone else - that's the real issue here in my mind, anyway.

ARV I might be being a little naive, but I have never understood the thinking that if if someone continues to doubt their OH because of a betrayal, then that person is more likely to think 'I may as well have fucked someone else and then go and do it'.

If someone accused me of being a thief and continued to doubt me, then I would eventually cut that person out of my life- and not become a thief...

I do agree that HE needs to work on 'why' he needed to get comfort else where though.

OP don't ever apologise for wanting both of them to pay for what they did to you, that's a perfectly normal reaction.

What do you mean he went for her before, that's even more worrying.

I don't recommend dwelling on the past so all you can do is put it behind you, I hope he is moving heaven and earth right now to convince you he's trustworthy.

He went for it before in that he went for coffee dates with this woman and exchanged flirty emails and lots of phone calls.

And FB makes friends suggestions but you actively have to send a friend request.

Glittery, we don't know for certain that this woman is married, it is possible she's used a different surname on Fb for whatever reason, people do.
It seems strange to me that she would request Op's H as a friend if she were trying to hide something from her 'husband'.
Op's H could have said she is as he may have thought that him meeting for 'coffee' with a single woman would look even more suspect.

Op, did you look properly at this woman's fb account before deleting, such as, we're there pics of her with a partner?

Regardless whether she's married or not, the Op is NEVER going to get the chance of getting to the truth unless she contacts her.
One thing I don't understand Op, is why are you asking a forum whether you should contact the Ow when in your posts you seem adamant that it's not the right thing to do?

Sorry, thought it happened automatically when you first join up? It's been a long time, so maybe my memory on the matter has been warped by the passage of time. I was just trying to say that it might not be as sinister as you think. But obviously it is. I'm sorry if that upset you.

I was just trying to put another perspective out there that maybe your marriage could be salvaged as your husband seems keen to work on it (which is unusual). But if you don't want that then the best thing to do is leave him and move on as quickly as possible.

Though how your husband can be blamed for something out of his control (ow making friend request) is beyond me. If he'd accepted it and then you found out then yes, that would be an issue. Though I accept that you saw the request before he did so there is no way of telling whether he would have blocked her of his own volition or accepted it and picked up where they left off.

From what you've said he started up a friendship with another woman, this friendship strayed into flirting by email and possibly flirting over coffee. But it never progressed into a full on affair. Whether it would have done or not is anybody's guess.

You said that there were problems in your relationship before he started this friendship. I think that's what you should be concentrating on as those problems won't go away, but will still be there. Please don't misinterpret me and think I'm saying it's your fault he went elsewhere for comfort (or that if he does again in the future it's your fault), I think that he did wrong. But I also think this friendship with the ow is a symptom of the problems you say were already there. I don't think it's healthy to blame everything on what your husband did. I'm not excusing it, please don't think I am. I just don't think in plan back and white!

Disco, I find your insistence -against the evidence- that the (single) ow will be some kind of truth teller, quite odd.
The op saw their correspondence where they both discussed their respective marriages and it tallies with what he said. She is married, she didn't want to stop the relationship and she's trying it on again. You think she's going to suddenly become all repentant to the op?

I got a facebook request recently from a guy I used to shag between bfs. I ignored it. People FB request all the time- it is 'fishing' and it's not the recipients fault.