It's only an FB friend request

[winkywinkola]

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

[cozietoesie]

They've both been acting in bad faith, that's the sum of it. If you were otherwise getting to a stage where you could think about a future together, OP, do you have it in you to go forward? If so, I'd ignore her.

[Glitteryarse]

oh shit I didn't know you where in charge of the thread lacoba66 and I think it's pretty clear what my point is. Not every one remembers second names. It's no big deal. It wasn't my first post on this thread so it wasn't a random post. Not that that need explaining to you.

Maybe your a little too invested to be policing threads... No?

[loveyoutothemoon]

Now now....

[RealityCheque]

OP, there are certain posters on mn that will never ever give the man the benefit of the doubt when it comes to suspicion of an affair. These posters often post over and over on a thread if folk don't instantly agree with their point of view. Be careful when heeding the 'advice' of these so-called experts as their opinions appear to have been borne from their own bitter experiences. There is never any chance that the man is not guilty.

Make your own decisions based on the facts available to you and the knowledge you have of your partner. You will be so much better placed to make those decisions than strangers on the internet who 'appear' to have some degree of man-hating / negative agenda.

Five coffees is not the same as shagging someone. He is not automatically lying when he says it was five coffees. I have numerous friends whom I do NOT know their surname. Yes, he fucked up - but you both already know this. He was not in control of her sending the FB request. He ignored it and blocked her.

Good luck with whatever you decide, OP.

[winkywinkola]

He does say he fucked up. He apologises. Over and over.

[winkywinkola]

I know there is a script. That there is typical behaviour. Is it invariable?

[cozietoesie]

In my experience it's commonplace but not invariable.

Where do you think you are yourself with this situation?

[Lacoba66]

Glittery Wind it in...

[AnyFucker]

winky, these are all the questions you were asking yourself right after D-Day

this is what you signed up for, love

you knew you weren't getting the full truth back then, and you know it now

your husband hasn't done enough, nor explained enough, nor made enough actual sense for you to be ok with this

what next ?

can you put this to one side...file it away under "crazy bunny boiler still sniffing around my husband" ? (not recommended)

open up another dialogue with DH and revisit your initial doubts (because I don't think they have gone away)...possibly recommended, might be helpful if he will finally respect you enough to come properly clean

decide you are moving on and this is just another chapter to get over (recommended if you want to save your marriage, but at what cost ?)

the ball is in your court (again...unfortunately)

[Glitteryarse]

lacoba66 why are you trying to take over winkys thread? Weird....

winky I think you will have to go with your gut feeling. i know a couple who have come through worse than this but if it feels wrong it probably is.

Take care op

[AnyFucker]

btw, who referred to this as "only" a FB request ?

[cozietoesie]

Good point. It would be revealing either way.

[mslizzy]

Hi winky. I am sorry you are going through this just when you and your DH are getting on with things. I would ignore her. And I would not torture yourself about what happened 18 mths ago. Even if they did sleep together, it was a 18 mths ago, he is contrite and he is doing everything he can to make it better.

My DH had an affair (over a month. They DID sleep together). The best advice I got was from my friend who said "Don't worry. It happens. If he's sorry forgive him. If he does it again bin him." Seven years later and we are much closer and stronger than we were then. And we have 4 dc

[winkywinkola]

I referred to it as 'only' an FB friend request.

So I keep pushing until he admits to having sex with this creature? I've done that since I found out and in couples counselling. It's the same story reiterated. From every angle. He's answered my questions over many evenings.

He says the same thing. He says over and over that is not why he met her - he met her for a positive, reassuring presence. He felt so low because our marriage was so bad. He says he should have left. He says nothing meant more to him and that he had tried to talk to me about it. But it would always end in rows. That bit is true.

So it's possible he didn't fuck her. It is? I don't think he did. I don't think I could stay if I believed he did.

He's now on anti depressants, regular counselling and is quite different. Very calm and stable. He wishes he'd taken these antidepressants from 18. Calmed the turmoil he says.

So it sounds like bs? Maybe. He's adamant and passionate that he wants our marriage and family to be the future.

And it's certainly not a case of levelling aim at the ow. H has never blamed her. He has always said it was his poor decision to meet her. He says he regrets it like nothing else.

But right now I am also upset this woman has felt it appropriate to pop up again. He told me that it was her but not her right name. He knew her by what must be her maiden name. It feels like she is confident of a power over h and subsequently my life. A casual pop up.

[YetAnotherHelenMumsnet]

Hi there,
We've received a couple of reports about this thread. We know it's in Relationships, which can often be the home of some rather tough talking, but if we could just all be as kind as possible that would be great.

[WorraLiberty]

I think the Facebook thing is neither here nor there really. During their flirty email exchanges and secret meetings, he probably didn't think to search her on FB and block her, just in case she sent a friend request.

I'm sorry but I also truly believe they met up more than 5 times. Where did this figure come from? Him or from the email proof?

Either way, who meets up at a networking event and bursts into tears about a sexless marriage?

Something is not right.

[winkywinkola]

Why do you believe they met more than five times? Based on what exactly?

I found out on 13th December. They met on 17th November. Apparently.

[cozietoesie]

It doesn't necessarily feel as if she's 'confident of a power over' your husband - there could be other reasons why she attempted contact. And it failed didn't it?

[Lacoba66]

I am so angry on your behalf Winky. I am so sorry about him, ..... Time has changed...

[WorraLiberty]

Why do you believe they met more than five times? Based on what exactly?

Based on the fact that if you've been caught out doing something that will threaten your marriage, you're probably going to really want to limit the damage caused.

And because if he minimises the amount of meetings, you're probably less likely to assume they had sex.

Although as others have said, 5 times is an awful lot of coffee, particularly when they were so flirty with each other.

I'm sorry OP. I'm really not a 'LTB' type poster, or one of the regular 'All men are lying bastards' types who seem to pop up from time to time.

Yet I really don't think he's told you the absolute truth here. But it's up to you to either ignore and try to move on, or dig deeper and risk hearing what you might not want to hear.

[AnyFucker]

Worra is right

she's really not a "LTB poster"

[winkywinkola]

I have dug. I have asked. I have interviewed. I have grilled. What do you mean exactly by 'dig deeper'?

[notrocketscience]

He was going through a rough time and so it appears was she. They met up for coffee (5 times) to share and commiserate on their respective marriages.

Starb/cost/alot places tend to have fairly rigorous rules on couples launching on each other across the tables. Not very private.

It was stupid of him and he can now see that. In his defense, men don't tend to be as keen on sharing emotional sorrows as women do (sorry about the major generalization). So he meets someone through a work do and they mutually click and open up to each other. Possible but slightly unusual.

They meet up for coffee. He is not going to tell you about it if his intention was to chat to a stranger about the state of your marriage. He could be innocent here. She may also be glad of the chance to offload on a relative stranger.

So you find out and are not happy (understandable). He stops all contact. 7 months later she finds him on FB and sends request. It could be that she just remembers liking a guy who listened when she needed it. She may just see him as a nice person and have no wish to disrupt his marriage... It might not be as bad as you fear.

You've dug and grilled yet the story is consistent. It could be true. I'm not saying he wasn't a fool but maybe if you still love him it's worth trying to believe it.

[MsMarple]

Well... If it were me I'd get all his bank statements and credit cards and phone bills and work expense account etc from the time and see if anything looked odd: hotel bills, mysterious cash withdrawals, lots of visits to coffee shop that his other colleagues don't go to etc. Check things against the emails you do have, and his diary too (work/phone/paper). Maybe even delegate lists from any other work things he has attended. Be like CSI!! If you find nothing to indicate anything other than what he has told you it might set your mind at rest and let you move on.

[RobinandRowena]

OP, if you and your H are working things out and you believe him and can see yourself beginning to trust again, I would advise you to seek advice from friends in real life as posters on MN do not know you or your H and some tend to project and be overly harsh.