It's only an FB friend request

[winkywinkola]

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

[derxa]

not

[Jan45]

I've never been in this position so my assumption has nothing to do with any personal experience.

Let's face it, 5 coffee meet ups sounds less dodgy than 5 dates huh.

As does, not knowing the person's surname.......

Rather than ignoring what has happened I think the OP needs to be very aware of what's going on around her.

[Glitteryarse]

jan all that is your opinion. Shared by some - not by all.

I think op wants to move forward and will be on high alert . As we all would

[Jan45]

Yes that's correct Glittery, what else would it be....

Where have I said all......?

I accept others think differently.

It's a shame folk have to drama-tise things to the extent that anyone not believing a version of events must be trying to pull out toe nails or have a real nasty dislike of the OP.

I really don't have those feelings towards someone I don't even know.

[winkywinkola]

Couple of corrections.

H knows her by her maiden name. That is the name she used with him. Not her married name.

On FB it is her married name.

The FB friend request came up before h had even looked at his phone. We were driving from early in the am and I was looking at the news, family wedding photos etc.

So he didn't have a chance to do anything about that, honourable or not. I should have left it to see what he would do but I felt sick because I just KNEW it was her. And I wanted it dealt with.

But some posters are right. I didn't really ask for an analysis of what did or didn't really happen between them. I asked what I should do if anything about this FB friend request.

However, it is a free forum and people can apply whatever logic/formula/experience they see fit to my situation.

[winkywinkola]

Five dates then. It was very dodgy. Of course it was.

But other than do what I've already done to elicit any other possible truth, what else do you propose I do about it?

[Jan45]

I would not believe that he does not know this woman's surname, I'd also surmise they met more than five times.

For those two reasons above, I'd call her and ask her just why she thinks it's OK to contact my husband when he has already told her to fuck off.

I'm sorry OP, I am not trying to rouse you, this is what I would do because I would be going demented with his version of events.

[winkywinkola]

Why do you surmise that?

[RealityCheque]

Jan, why can you not just let this go now?

You have made your point abundantly clear. Some folk agree with you and others do not. In any case, the way you insist on going over and over points which are secondary to the ACTUAL point in the OP is bizarre.

A point, incidentally, that you have misunderstood on a monumental scale. Over and over.

[winkywinkola]

If I call her, she will say, "It's only a FB friend request. Calm down you lunatic."

[RealityCheque]

OP, please see my post yesterday, at 20:31. There is no reason for that to be 'surmised' at all, based on the info that you have posted.

I understand fully your situation and it makes perfect sense the way you saw the friend request before he did while travelling. He did not request her and has no control whatsoever over whether she requests him. (I believe you stated that OW didn't used to have Facebook - making it impossible to block her at that stage, regardless of surname).

Please do not get too tied up with the more negative agendas on here. (You only have to look at other threads on this board to soon identify the same patterns of postings time and time again).

I will now leave this thread alone as I believe that all parties have been clear on their thoughts and are unlikely to be swayed by continued postings.

[RealityCheque]

Absolutely. There is nothing to gain by calling! Other than to let OW think she has got to you and perhaps encourage more contact attempts.

[derxa]

Do you know what. I would call OW and say, 'What do you want, you sad little woman?' But that's just me.

[HoldYerWhist]

I wouldn't call.

I would let it go. If I had already chosen to stay in a relationship with him, and I was 100% sure I wanted to stay in it for the rest of my life then I would let it go...

[JonesTheSteam]

How on earth could the DH here prevent the OW requesting him as a friend!? She wasn't on Facebook at the time, and if he has moved on, why would he be searching for her to block her the moment she appeared on there!

And yes, some people are so thick-skinned they wouldn't think anything of getting back in touch with someone they'd had an emotional affair with, esp if their life is still shit.

OW requested my DH late one night a month after me finding out about the affair. I was furious, DH was just confused! And yes, it felt like a 'here I am, don't forget me,' moment, and knowing how she has continued to behave, it probably was.

DH had deleted her as a Facebook friend! Neither of us knew you could block people as we'd never needed to do it before.

[DiscoDiva70]

Ok, in answer to the Op's questions as to what she should do with regards to the fb request, I'm another who thinks she should call this woman, as she may get to hear the actual truth about what really went on between her and the Op's H.

I wouldn't trust her husband to ignore further contact attempts by the Ow as judging by his previous actions with her, ie the secretive meetings etc, he has obviously shown he is untrustworthy and deceitful.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I wouldn't contact her. She sounds likes a predatory person who came across a person whose guard was much too low...
I think his story sounds plausible enough (and I can usually sniff extra curricular shaggers through the screen). I'd put it behind you and move on.

[cuddybridge]

Winky, I am in a similar situation, even down to the FB contact recently, my reaction was very different from yours, as I called the OW immediately and told her in very robust terms to fuck off.
i told her that she is never to contact my DH or any other members of my family(there have been issues) again. It may not work but I will react robustly to any contact she initiates, and my DH knows that. He finds it difficult, but he brought her into our lives and now has to live with the way I choose to deal with it. Good luck with your future.

[winkywinkola]

Yes, JohnFarleys. That's what h says.

He had never felt so miserable and low. We were snarling at each other at home for months. No intimacy. No real human warmth to speak of. Plus financial worries galore. He felt he was on the brink.

No excuse at all but he felt this woman was friendly and supportive and had insight into his misery. And he hers. Trying to figure out why her husband only wanted anal sex with her and only three times a year. Well, that's all very easy to do and feel brilliant, isn't it when you are in a bubble of dating. And why did he give a shit about her anyway?

Of course he should have just left. Or I should have.

He has flipped out a couple of times since. Hysterical. Upset. Desperate. Angry. Has been having CBT and is on antidepressants. Which he wishes he'd taken from aged 18. He's very calm, even and unflappable now. Expresses deep regret and shame. Doesn't like remembering how utterly skewiff his thinking was in that period.

I don't know. People fuck up and or get fucked up. I asked him to leave soon after I found the emails which he did for three days before we started talking again.

It's been a long haul. I'm still not there yet. It's horrible for someone to do that to their spouse/partner.

Her casual FB friend request fucks me right off. But as glittery said (I think), I'm not going to let her know she's got to me.

Should she start calling or emailing h again, he says he will ignore that too. Should he pick up the phone to her at work without knowing it is her he will say there is nothing to discuss and put the phone down.

"I will do anything to make our marriage last forever," he said to me today. I think he's trying to do everything right.

[winkywinkola]

And JohnFarleys, how do you sniff extra curricular shaggers through the screen?!?

[DorisDazzler]

It's not at all unusual for ow / om to make contact months or even years later in an attempt to reignite the affair. My ex h contacted his ow more than ten years later and resurrected their affair. The recent contact from her was not just a fb request, it was an attempt to reignite things. In order to ensure no further contact I really would contact her husband.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

That sounded quite twattish, didn't it!
What I meant was, if people are having a secret relationship and there are hotels/empty offices/empty homes involved then 9.9 times out of 10 there will be shagging - despite denials.
However your dhs relationship seems to have been courtesy of Starbucks (or wherever) and their texts and his bank statements and his story all seem to back that up...

[Jan45]

Jan, why can you not just let this go now?

You have made your point abundantly clear. Some folk agree with you and others do not. In any case, the way you insist on going over and over points which are secondary to the ACTUAL point in the OP is bizarre.

A point, incidentally, that you have misunderstood on a monumental scale. Over and over

You insist on personal attacks on my opinions, that's bizarre lol.

If my husband had had an extra marital affair, sex or not, I'd want to get to the bottom of it, I wouldn't believe his story so I'd have to call the OW to see what else I could find out, that's just me though, I understand the OP wants to put it behind her, fair do's but she asked me what I would do in her position, sorry if my opinion riles you so much, you really need to calm down on that score.

[winkywinkola]

And you think ow would do the right thing and be honest? Why should she?

[Jan45]

Possibly not, she may get a good fright though and keep well away from now on; she may enlighten you, I really don't know.

I would call her out of sheer spite for both of them.

Not the most sensible move no, but neither of them have behaved too good either.

OP, it's really your call, no matter what a bunch of strangers on here tell you what they would do.