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Original poster

It's only an FB friend request

215 replies

winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:34

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

OP posts:
Original poster
winkywinkola · 04/08/2015 10:19

Four dcs.

I think we were getting back to basics. Understanding where we went wrong. Why we want it to continue. Can it Ccontinue. Mostly positive.

But this creature popping up has really upset me. Perhaps she wanted it to.

OP posts:
Melonfool · 04/08/2015 10:22

I suspect she has now left her H, or he left her, and is on her own looking for more "comfort".

She's a clingon, ignore her. Don't contact her. Can DH change his phone number? (prob not if it's a work one).

The only thing that rings a bit of a bell for me is how you discovered the Amazon purchase and he " admitted" it. If this was after you found out about the relationship then he should have told you about the gift himself. I expect her forgot.........until you found it

TheStoic · 04/08/2015 10:23

I doubt she's thinking of you at all, winkywinkola.

Glitteryarse · 04/08/2015 10:24

You cant prove they had sex. I would work towards getting things back on track. Four kids and a devorce is going to get tough and just on the basis of an emotional affair that lasted a month. People have worked through worse.

Fuck her. I don't think she cares about you enough to want to upset you. Her aim was for your Dh. She got blocked. Hopefully she will get the message.

DoorToTheRiver · 04/08/2015 10:25

winky there are plenty of men who will say anything other than the truth and minimise to try and keep their marriage together. But I am sure there are also men who, when caught out, realise a bit late what they stand to lose and genuinely regret what they did and are honest about what happened.

There may be things that will be held back for fear of causing more hurt but it doesn't mean he is lying about what he has admitted to. It is entirely possible they just met for coffee 5 times and nothing happened.

If you have made the decision to continue with your marriage then focus on you, your husband and your marriage. Forget about this woman. If she's sent a Facebook request and it's been blocked leave it at that. You have chosen to trust your husband so you have to believe he doesn't have any interest in getting back in touch with the OW.

I hope it works out for you and he proves himself worth the second chance.

HoldYerWhist · 04/08/2015 10:35

I doubt she did it with you in mind at all.

Look, you're never going to know the truth. My guess is that he's not being honest but that's pretty irrelevant now because you've decided to stick it out.

He's deleted and blocked her.

Move on. It's what you've chosen to do.

DoorToTheRiver · 04/08/2015 10:40

FWIW years ago a friend of mine had a bit of a thing with a married bloke she worked with, I had the dubious pleasure of being agony aunt. Probably be called an emotional affair nowadays. It went on for months and months, they had time alone but nothing physical happened as they both felt too guilty to take it that far.

From what my friend told me of their conversations they were extremely inappropriate. The point is that had their conversations taken place by text and his wife had discovered them and posted about it on MN every single poster would have said they had sex and there was more to it. But nothing physical happened, they didn't even kiss.

cozietoesie · 04/08/2015 10:40

Yes - now is the time to move on, one way or the other. I happen not to believe him but that's beside the point. He screwed up and he's acknowledged it so now you have to decide what you want to do.

You were moving forward before? If so, do you want to keep on going in that direction? Because if you do, I think you're being too stalling at the moment.

DoorToTheRiver · 04/08/2015 10:46

I also wouldn't worry about whether he does know her surname or not, it's really not relevant to anything. If he did find her surname it wouldn't have signalled any intent on his part, it doesn't make her more important if he had asked her surname. It would be such a stupid and irrelevant thing to lie about I would believe that he only knows her maiden name.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/08/2015 10:58

He cut contact and he blocked her request.
I don't think there is anything else to do right now except get on with repairing your marriage.
You were getting there slowly.
Don't let one FB friend request ruin it for you.
Don't give her the power over you or your relationship.
Ignore her and move on (easier said than done, I know)

If you are going to move forward then do it and do it properly.
Just remember:
Make peace with the past so it won't mess up the present.
It’s easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Jan45 · 04/08/2015 11:01

My advice is not from my experience of being cheated on, I've not been in that position but know plenty who have; I don't profess to be an expert of anything so not sure where either of those comments are coming from.

Some folk on here will believe your/his account, I for one, don't, it's all about minimising so you will never know the full story.

No, we don't know you, nor him, again, nobody is professing to advise from than angle, it can only ever be from an internet forum full of random people - imo, that's a good variable of opinions.

You've decided to forgive, I'm sure he's on a very sticky wicket from now on in, all the best of luck, hopefully he's had enough of a fright to not risk his marriage a second time.

museumum · 04/08/2015 11:14

For what it's worth I can easily believe that a man and woman could have coffee five times, be a bit too inappropriately close or flirty and not shag. Easily. It sounds like an emotional affair. If there's no alcohol involved and all meetings were in daytime in coffee shops then really shagging is quite unlikely. Booking into a hotel or shagging in an alleyway in broad daylight is the other side of a really big obvious line.

Also OP - I really doubt this woman is saying "fuck you" to you or even thinking about your marriage, she is probably sad, needy and looking for a self-esteem boost from your husband. Or, she is so detached from her own marriage that she cannot see the EA for what it was and genuinely thinks they were just friends and that's ok.

Personally, I wouldn't give the cb request another thought beyond the work you're already doing with your dh on your relationship. It sounds like your dh dealt with the request exactly how you'd have wanted him to.

cozietoesie · 04/08/2015 11:30

Or she'd had one too many 'restoratives'. (I sometimes wonder just how many incidents in this life can be put down to over-indulgence.)

DiscoDiva70 · 04/08/2015 12:13

Winky, you've referred to this woman as a 'creature' a couple of times in your posts. Although I believe what she's done/doing to your marriage is completely wrong, I wonder why you don't give your H the same label?

After all, HE is the one who is most at fault for this mess as he's married to you and should behave himself.

You only found out about her because you checked his emails, you checked his amazon receipt and you found her friend request on his phone. He's not exactly forthcoming is he?

Original poster
winkywinkola · 04/08/2015 12:27

Disco. I've given my h many labels!

OP posts:
perrita · 04/08/2015 13:23

I think some people on here are very negative. I would trust him OP and take what he's said at face value and tell him that if he has any further contact from her to let you know and how he's dealt with it. Hope things work out for the best for you.

DiscoDiva70 · 04/08/2015 13:46

I think those of us who are being 'negative' are just really being realistic.

BreakingDad77 · 04/08/2015 14:17

Has he shown you all the emails/texts? or are there gaps none at all? Deleted all the internet history.

It could be just a silly meets and this can happen as I have heard of friends who were meeting but they did not do the deed but came pretty close, but then there are a LOT of women who have come here with horrible gaslighting stories as it always follows a similar pattern.

XiCi · 04/08/2015 16:50

I too think there are some extremely negative posts on this thread, especially earlier on where it seemed that the OP was being harangued. How many times has the OP said that they have been over and over the story, that his story never changes, that she believes the story. I think some people expect her to tie him down and start pulling out his toenails, maybe a bit of waterboarding? Of course it's possible to meet for 5 coffees without fucking someone. Of course it's possible not to know someone surname after 5 coffees
OP, I would ignore the OW and continue rebuilding your marriage if that's what you want to do. I really hope it works out for you.

Glitteryarse · 04/08/2015 16:54

disco are you privvy to infomation that op isn't? Do you know what really happened? Was you there? Have you been living this for however long op has known about it?

op can only go off what she knows and what she feels. She is on the other side of the screen dealing with it.

Jan45 · 04/08/2015 16:58

Pulling out toe nails - why - because some of us don't think the story adds up, there are too many discrepancies in it.

Under the circs, I'd imagine the OP needs her full wits about her. The OP already says if she hadn't found out when she did she was expecting it to lead to sex, is it really that surprising that some think that might already have taken place - would he really admit to it, of course not.

There's always two sides, she's only heard the one.

XiCi · 04/08/2015 17:09

What discrepancies though? That he can't have met for 5 coffees without having sex or getting a surname? That's just bullshit. The OP came on to ask what to do about a Facebook request, not to have the apparently successful rebuilding of her relationship brought into question. It made for uncomfortable reading IMO. I think if people are trying to get on with their lives they should be left alone unless they ask for help, and the OP hasn't on this issue

Jan45 · 04/08/2015 17:24

I'm afraid if you have an extra marital affair whether sexual or not, it can come back and bite you on the arse, as is what has happened here. He caused the fallout, not the OW but yet time after time on here the OW gets the battering.

The only reason the OP found out about the FB request was cos she is monitoring his social media and email.

If he was really determined to wipe this woman out, why does the OP have her phone number and why was OW able to contact him via FB as well. Oh yeah I forgot, she knows his surname but he doesn't know hers....I mean, really.....

I think she needs to be on high alert in case there is future contact.

FredaMayor · 04/08/2015 17:33

XiCi, it seems that some people here, through their past experiences, believe that there's more to this and that the FB friend request was the tip of the iceberg. On balance, I agree with them, after all what exGF/AP tries to be friends with someone on FB unless they are being nosy and testing the waters? I don't think OP has got to the bottom of the story either. IME, like others, a person can be very convincing indeed if they want to keep out of trouble.

Because of your past 18 months of misery, OP, I believe it would help your relationship with DH to tackle this latest event head on.

derxa · 04/08/2015 17:33

I feel really awful for you OP This is a horrible way to live. I hope he's telling the truth/he really is sorry. The two are no the same thing.