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Original poster

It's only an FB friend request

215 replies

winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 16:34

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:39

And how on earth do you have her number?

bgottalent · 03/08/2015 17:41

OP I think the other posters are winding you up unnecessarily. I still say give your dh a chance.

Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:48

If a story appears unbelievable, it's usually because it is, it has nothing to do with a desire to wind any one up.

It's an open forum yes? So we are actually allowed to ask questions too I think.

Lacoba66 · 03/08/2015 17:49

I'm sorry OP, but I'm with the majority of PP^^.

They met at a networking convention- did they all wear name tags? If so and only first names, then how did she know his surname & how did he know her maiden name, but not her married name?

She is either a little deranged IF your DH is telling the truth, or there is a lot more to it.

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 17:50

I'm just trying to imagine the situation at the networking event. Aren't people supposed to be showing just how good they are?

"Hi, I'm Joe Bloggs. I'm Marketing Manager for XYZ."

"Waaahhhh! My husband is horrible to me!"

No, can't quite imagine that.

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 17:52

I think that given what's gone on and you've decided to get past it, I'd be very tempted to call her and ask what she's up to.

I know it's for your husband to deal with but if this woman is trying to cause trouble, I'd want a word with her.

Jan45 · 03/08/2015 17:55

They met for coffee five times to discuss the lack of sex in their relationships, but, nothing happened.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 03/08/2015 17:57

Yes I I was amazed at the story too. But I've grilled him this way, that way etc and the story is always the same.

I genuinely don't think they had a chance to get into sex.

As for name tags, well I rarely remember people's names from those.

She uses her maiden name for work. On FB, it is her married name. I want to find her h and forward him the emails I read.

OP posts:
Angleshades · 03/08/2015 17:59

Winky if he chucked her cards away and couldn't remember her name then he must have given her his number instead. How else would she have called him for coffee? It doesn't look like it's just the OW chasing him, more like he's encouraged it too. I think he's skimped on giving to many details away. It's so easy to blame it all on OW.

XiCi · 03/08/2015 18:00

Actually Jan I have friends that I've known for years, close friends who have been to my wedding, that I've shared numerous nights out with etc and I don't know their last name. What's your surname isn't something that really comes up in conversation is it

OP it sounds like you and your DH have come a long way. I would trust him, you have to really otherwise there's no point continuing. He's shown you the request, blocked and deleted and has let you know he was very clear with her that his future is with you. I think you are right that she is testing the water. Please don't phone her, it will encourage more contact. Ignore her, don't give her the satisfaction of thinking this has got to you and carry on working on your marriage with DH.

Jan45 · 03/08/2015 18:01

What did their messages say, you are drip feeding too much here OP for us to get an overall picture of what these five coffee dates consisted of?

He will never admit to having sex with her, why would he, would you?

Jan45 · 03/08/2015 18:10

XiCi, I think if you were both married and meeting up in secret you would actually bother to find out the full name of the person you are mtg. I also think you'd ask each other if they were on FB.

Lacoba66 · 03/08/2015 18:10

But that was my point OP, if the surnames weren't on the badges and they were divulged during their 'coffee meets', at what point would he have told her his & her not correct him on hers?

I just can't think of a conversation that would involve that.

Regardless of above, I don't doubt that he may be sorry for what has gone on and is trying his utmost, but the trouble is if YOU are not satisfied that he has told you everything (and I mean everything) then its impossible to truly forgive, as each time something else comes out, it will take you back to where you were.

If it were me ( not everyone will agree) I would ask that he send her a message asking "why" she has requested his FB friendship- don't ask anything more. You may get to find out more to your satisfaction, and then delete/ block her from there on. I wouldn't involve her H yet, as you have chosen to believe/stay with yours.

Jan45 · 03/08/2015 18:14

I'd be surprised the OPs OH actually showed her the request, more like the OP is monitoring his FB account as well as his emails.

Lacoba66 · 03/08/2015 18:21

Hmmm, maybe Jan, but at least Winky has access to his account, which I would guess that he may have been shocked that OW had sent it ( although, obviously it's out of his control).

I'm just puzzled that OW would bother after 7 months, to make contact again. I'm guessing that they don't work directly with each other??

RobinandRowena · 03/08/2015 18:22

Hi OP, I would not advise you to contact this person. Your H ignored her request and has blocked her. So do nothing else (you completely ignoring her is the best way to disempower her). She is testing the waters, thinking /hoping that you and your H are not working things out. Keep her out of your lives by letting him deal with it.

Jan45 · 03/08/2015 18:22

It just sounds like the normal bullshit a man will say when he's had an affair.

RobinandRowena · 03/08/2015 18:26

I am not shocked at all. This happened to a friend of mine. The OW left them in peace to 'work things out' when the affair was first discovered, then popped up about 6 months later. (I guess she was hoping things were not working out and wanted to remind my friend's H that she was still available)
He blocked and ignored the request.
My friend would not lower herself to acknowledge the ex OW either personally or electronically.
When faced with her (they live in the same small town) my friend looks straight through her!

cozietoesie · 03/08/2015 18:26

They met 5 times for coffee and he didn't know her surname? 5 times ?

Glitteryarse · 03/08/2015 18:31

op would you want to move forward even if somthing more did happen? Five times is a lot to meet up but I don't suppose you will ever get the whole truth. People only tell you what they can get away with.

You can either contact her and see what's going on and it may open a can of worms

Or

You can leave it to your Dh to get rid of her and try and move on regardless what happened in the past.

I think it would be very rare for a woman to purposely cause trouble if they hadn't been wronged in some shape or form. Saying that I used to have a bloke I used to 'see' casually before I got with dp and he sent me a random facebook message asking when we were next having our 'shag fest' even though I was clearly 'in a relastionship' on facebook, which dp seen and was upset about as it looked like we'd never stopped seeing each other. Some people don't know when to give the fuck up! Hmm

Lacoba66 · 03/08/2015 18:32

Jan, I know Hmm I'm just enquiring from Winky, if she has more info to support her default (possibly does). I think we have to respect her wishes re the '5 meets for coffee' as that may be all she has to go on.

BanditoShipman · 03/08/2015 18:34

I assume she uses her maiden name at work, he would have seen this on her business card but may well not have noted it/remembered it. He would have given her his business card when she gave him hers. Therefore she would be able to phone him for coffee.

She is on fb under her married name, there is no reason for op's dh to know that the name on her card wasn't her married rather than maiden name hence him thinking she wasn't on fb.

Although bit weird to cry on someone at a networking event...

Glitteryarse · 03/08/2015 18:39

I never remember surnames and struggle with first names tbh. I still forget my best friends kids names and I see them weekly!

Lacoba66 · 03/08/2015 18:45

Bandito. Your last comment definitely!

Lacoba66 · 03/08/2015 18:47

Glitteryarse that's a shame, but can I ask what your point was for the OP?