It's only an FB friend request

[winkywinkola]

H and I have had a crap time.

Our marriage was under a lot of stress and was essential miserable for at least 18 months.

Last December I found some very flirty emailsr between him and some woman.

They'd met five times for coffee. They were getting on very well. Too well. H claims they were two miserable people trying to boost each other about their partners' lack of interest in them. No sex apparently although had I not found out when I did, I think it might have progressed.

H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. He said to this woman he wanted his marriage to work.

So we've muddled through for the last seven months. He's doing all the right things, is very regretful, apologetic and trust is beginning to grow a bit.

Until this woman, after months of silence, sends him an FB friend request. I had predicted she would pop up again. He pooh poohed it.

H deleted it and blocked her. He said he did not know why she would think it appropriate to contact him as he says he was very clear to her what he wanted in their last conversation. He says he is always going to ignore any further attempts at contact on her part.

It makes me irritated that this woman thinks it's okay to come back into our lives again. What should I do about it? Just trust him that he will ignore any further contact attempts or should I give her a ring? I would risk looking like the hysterical wife as she's only trying to be friends, right? Except the emails I saw certainly weren't between friends!

I have checked all credit card bills, Amazon orders and current account bills for Q4 2014. The only suspect thing I found was a DVD purchase for the film Perfume. He bought it for her on 1st December. He admitted that. Yuck.

Be careful when heeding the 'advice' of these so-called experts as their opinions appear to have been borne from their own bitter experiences.

That's usually why it's a good idea to listen to people who have been through it.

OP, do you believe his story? Does it make sense to you?

I'm sorry this happened to you. Like many others I've experienced a similar betrayal and as a result I spent a lot of time on infidelity support forums. It's my belief and experience that cheaters rarely tell the truth. All affairs are pretty much the same , the damsel in distress act is typical , as is the role of the sympathetic man who listens to her tales of woe ( the Hero )

The truth is that you will never really know what happened. Personally I find it unlikely they were never alone. Things escalate rapidly under those circumstances .Why on earth would you opt to sit in Costa when really you want to be alone to escalate the flirting. This was never about mutual whinging.

This is what most betrayed spouses are left with, they'll never really know what happened. Some people cannot live with it , and those that do have to find a way to leave it in the past.

Personally I would have contacted her husband when you discovered the messages. I would definitely do that now.

And what a strange choice of film !

I was just thinking what an odd choice of film as well! Perhaps they had discussed it and it was intended to be a Christmas gift given the date of purchase. You don't just randomly give someone a film with a story like that.

OP, it is horrible when the OW won't just disappear. It may just be a friend request but of course that suggests she was thinking of him. And what reason could there possibly be to add him. If she was respecting his decision to cut all ties in order to regain your trust, then I dont see why she would be doing something to rock the boat when they had only shared coffee. If they only shared coffee and a bit of a flirt why would she even try and get involved again in that inevitable mess, unless she has feelings?

Whatever the case, it is his job to get the message across that she is not welcome. Preferably with silence/blocking/ignoring.

Is there any way that they could have recently crossed paths, either incidentally or with intent?

Winky do you absolutely know for certain that they met at a networking event when he said they did ? Because unless I'm mistaken about dates , in less than a month he met up with this woman five times , engaged in flirtatious messages , and bought her a dodgy gift. That's pretty intense.

People will disagree but if you need your husbands story confirmed I would have no qualms creating a fake Facebook account and adding her on it as though you are Dh. A couple of hours chatting about old times and your rotten marriage will either confirm your worst fears , or reassure you that your husband has been telling you the truth.

Adding someone on facebook is very public though. I would guess if she wanted to rekindle an affair she could have sent a private message. Does she have his mobile number? Email? Does his facebook accept messages from none friends?

She may have just been trying her luck.

Yes, he said it blew up out of nothing. An emotional affair. I think meeting five times in less than a month is probably not much actually if you're dating someone. Plus phone calls and emails.

So, I believe I have dug deep, investigated and done everything I can to get the truth. What he says hasn't changed in the entire time. So either he is a great liar or that is the truth.

I really really do not want to engage with this woman in any way even if my marriage fails. So setting up a fake FB to sting her is really not what I want to do.

Yes, Glittery. It is a public and open thing to do. How very refreshing and a step away from the nasty little secret behaviour they both indulged in.

However, this woman is not at all a friend of my marriage so it is still inappropriate. H just doesn't want to know he says. He feels embarrassed and ashamed about it all and wants nothing to risk losing his marriage and family.

I think she is still unhappy in her marriage. She wants to restart things with h and is testing the water.

I would trust your DH here. You have investigated fully, he's cooperated and been contrite. To keep on would be damaging your fragile trust in your relationship.

winky yes I'm leaning towards that way of thinking too. In my very first post I said some people just don't know when to give the fuck up.

Op, I would pretend to your H that you believe him and trust him now, as this will make him less guarded if he stays in touch with this woman. This will enable you to continue to look for clues that he possibly is/will be up to no good again with her.
Sorry to say, I also believe he's not told you the full story and that there's much more to this than meets the eye.
Women don't just pour out their marriage troubles to a random guy and vice versa. Surely she would have friends/family etc to confide in instead?.

Also, if she was genuinely meeting your H purely for a shoulder to cry on regarding her troubled marriage, then I assume she would realise that by doing this she would be adding trouble to YOUR marriage. In other words, she was happy to secretly see him knowing you were unaware of this.
It's not right that your H bought her a gift either. In my opinion, he could have bought her the 'perfume' dvd because the title has a certain connotation for them.
Maybe it's meant as a reminder to her that your H was attracted by her perfume, I don't know.

Whatever, keep your radar continually switched on.

Blimey Disco. He bought the DVD because she said she liked the book. Not to do with her perfume.

Naturally after something like this, one is never fully trusting again anyway. I'm not going to pretend anything but of course my antennae are alert.

But in order to giver our marriage a chance to flourish I will have to have some level of trust or I will go mad.

H knows, accepts and has apologised many times for his wrongdoing. She clearly has no problem with it.

Whilst you are all convinced there is more than the story told, I think I have done everything to find out what happened. What more can I do? You keep saying "oh there's far more to this" but until I can prove it, what do I do? Divorce in a hunch that isn't even really my hunch?

And yes, that was my question too. Why didn't she cry to her friends about her marriage? Because she saw h, fancied him, played the damsel in distress, h went for the knight in shining armour role.

And yes. Their meeting damaged my marriage. And hers.

winky I don't think you will ever know the full story, it could be more it could be what he says. No one here knows what went on. They both had a connection with each other regardless how or why that came about. They are both equally to blame. They met up behind your back. You found out. He is sorry and you believe him.

I don't think I would go for devorce. I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. He fucked up. People do

Yes. It is all so effing disrespectful.

And so is this FB request. It's two fingers up at me - I'm still here darling and I can wreck your marriage mentality. And to h because she is ignoring his no contact statement.

I wouldnt give her that much power. She sounds needy and desperate.

Did he tell you about the friend request or did you see it? He is probably shitting himself it's all about to blow up again.

I saw it. I was on his phone as we were driving back from France. He probably is shitting it. I asked him why she would think it okay to do this? I told him I would contact her and ask for the truth. He said fine but you have the truth.

That changes it for me im afraid.

If I'd had a emotional affair and my Dh found out then I ended it and then the OM added me I'd block them straight away I just wouldnt risk it. No way would I.

Regardless if he didn't know her surname he would still reconginse her face as he had sat opposite it enough times.

That's really disrespectful winky and it gave her the green light. There would have been messages between those two on initial contact. She had an open window in to your life in his facebook and she had no reason to be on it.

No. All there was was a friend request. They were not FB friends. He deleted the request and blocked her. He said that's not the name he knew her by. He knew her maiden not married name.

And the request arrived the same day I saw it.

I wouldn't be asking why she thinks it's ok to add you, I'd be asking why he thinks it's ok to add someone he had an emotional affair with and nearly caused you to devorce.

winky you have 2 unhappy alternatives before you

You can go for divorce and all the misery, pain and destruction that brings. You said your marriage was in trouble before this woman appeared. Isn't she a symptom rather than the cause? This option carries with it the possibility of a happier life later on.

The other option is to stay in the marriage and either do your best to forgive him or be on constant alert for signs of betrayal. How you forgive him I don't know as this will depend on your personalities and how truthful you believe he is being now. This option does have the possibility of happiness but also the possibility of misery and eventual divorce later on.

Either way, you must be feeling angry and betrayed right now. I wish there was something I could say that would help but apart from the old Cliche "time heals", I don't know.

Glittery. He DIDN'T add her to his friends list.

Oh sorry xpost.

Have you got kids? If you can work through this do it. But if you think if will eat away at you over time then walk. It sounded like you were managing to pull things back? Can you get back on that path?