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Original poster

I would love to start a family but partner has said no.

204 replies

meudail40 · 10/06/2015 13:53

I hope members will be able to give me some advice.

I am 39 and my partner is 46, we met 3 years ago and have had a great relationship. At the beginning I told him I wanted children and always have, I was just waiting for the right man. He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I get on with them very well, the youngest is 17.

I had a contraceptive implant fitted 2 years ago, I had one previously, but told him I didn't want it for the full 3 years, he seemed to understand that and agreed with me.

For me, the time has come to have it removed but he looked terrified when I told him and now he says he doesn't want children. I'm heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do, we've talked, shouted at each other and not spoken for a while. He says we can't afford a child, hes too old, he likes the way things are and I was being selfish. For me, I'm torn, yes I love him but now I can't look at him and feel so angry. When he does something for his children he'll say what a good dad he is, yes he is, but it makes me angry he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to be a good mother.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Owllady · 10/06/2015 13:57

I think you need to have a good hard think about whether you can live without having children, then move on from there. He's been incredibly selfish and thoughtless towards you. You must be gutted Angry

NickiFury · 10/06/2015 14:00

Selfish twat. Personally as a single parent, knowing what I know now, I would go it alone. I wouldn't lose the chance to have a child, no way.

Twinklestein · 10/06/2015 14:01

You want a child and he doesn't, so you need to find someone else who does.

He's changed his tune and wasted your time, I'm not surprised you're angry.

Fudgeface123 · 10/06/2015 14:02

Hard one, would you be happy enough with him if you didn't have children? If not then you know what you need to do.

He should have been honest with you from the start, that is unbelievably cruel to change his mind

hesterton · 10/06/2015 14:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerHouse · 10/06/2015 14:04

Selfish. Give him a chance to think about it. Its a massive decision. He might come back around but you can't talk him into it. Good luck op. Hope he does change his mind.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 14:06

You are 39, you don't get to wait much longer. Do you really want DCs? then this relationship is over. End it ASAP and decide how long you want to give it to find someone you want to have DCs with or if you are prepared to go it alone.

Leave him, you want different things from life, you are therefore not compatable.

Lottapianos · 10/06/2015 14:06

meudail40, I think only you can decide whether you think he's been stringing you along all this time, or if he was up for having children and has changed his mind. People do change their minds, either for or against having children, so it doesn't necessarily mean he's been unfair to you.

Having said that, I understand why you feel angry and heartbroken. I'm so sorry you're in this position but it seems like you have a very difficult decision to make - either stay in this relationship without children, or leave and find someone else to have children with. Believe him though - don't waste any energy trying to change his mind. It sounds like he's certain that this is not for him so you need to think hard about where you want to go from here.

ludovica · 10/06/2015 14:06

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FirstOfficerDouglasRichardson · 10/06/2015 14:08

You are going to have to decide how important having a child is to you, if it's something you cannot compromise on then you need to end the relationship. Else he needs to decide whether he can compromise on this, if he can't then you need to end the relationship. Do not wait for him to change his mind, because he might not, and in that time you've got older.

Cancookdontcook · 10/06/2015 14:08

Whatever you decide, get on with it op. I had left it too late by the age of 37. I had failed IVF at 39. The odds of success were extremely low at that age. All tests, hormone levels were fine.

I think women are given false hope in their late 30s and 40s that they can conceive or get help if there are problems. I do know a few success stories but sometimes after years of treatment.

Do you want to be with this man regardless?

ludovica · 10/06/2015 14:09

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FenellaFellorick · 10/06/2015 14:09

He doesn't want children. He absolutely has that right. In fact, it would be totally wrong for someone who does not want children to have them. That is not fair to children.

However. He had NO right to string you along and waste your time. That was cruel and selfish of him. Women have a limited reproductive life and a man has NO right to use that up, promising something they know or think they don't actually want.

I think that you have to choose. If having a child is what you want - you can't stay with this man. Time is not on your side.

If you would rather stay with him, then do so knowing that you will not be a mother.

Really, it comes down to what you want more - him or a child? Only you can say.

You absolutely are not being selfish. From day one you told him you wanted to be a mother. You could not have been more clear. It is HIM that has been selfish. He should never have pretended to you that he would want to have a child with you.

Original poster
meudail40 · 10/06/2015 14:12

Thanks for you're messages. I keep hoping he'll change his mind, that's why I'm still with him but I have given myself a time limit, is that wrong? Maybe I should leave now. I keep thinking time as run out for me to start all over again. My brother was very supportive and told me I can move in with him if I need to move as I didn't have anywhere to go.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 10/06/2015 14:13

playing devil's advocate here slightly, is it possible that when you got together he could see himself with more children because his youngest was only fourteen and still more of a child than he is now at seventeen? Now he's seventeen and adulthood is in sight and your dp can't see himself going back to having a newborn? Also, he's closer to 50 than 40 now, something which has also obviously changed as you've been together.

When I got together with my dp my ds was ten, and I could see me having more children in the future. It wasn't something I could plan for at that point but ykwim. Now we're just over two years on and ds is nearly thirteen, and dp is 47 and I just think the age gap and our ages now would make it that much more difficult that children just aren't on my radar any more iyswim. The difference is that me and dp are both on the same page about it so there is no heartache there.

I realise that doesn't help you specifically, but that perhaps your dp hasn't deliberately misled you or been selfish.

What you need to decide now is whether you love him enough to stay with him regardless or whether you feel you would want to leave to pursue having children alone or with someone else, bearing in mind that age isn't on your side.

It's a difficult one because even if you left there are no guarantees, so what you need to decide is whether the potential for children is greater than your love for this man. Either way there is no right or wrong answer, you just have to do what is right for you.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 14:18

Do'nt waste time waiting for him to change his mind. Start separating your life, so you're ready to start again with someone else. If he is just having a 'wobble' and will come round to the idea, at least that will force him to face you are serious about wanting a DC now - not at some vage point in the future and he has to think about it now - not hope you can both park it for a while and bob along as you have been.

Bobbing along as you have been is no longer an option for either of you. End it now, or accept you will never be a mother now. You haven't got years to wait.

PoshPenny · 10/06/2015 14:21

That must be absolutely heartbreaking for you, I'd be inclined to suggest you move in with your brother ASAP to get some breathing space/cooling off time whilst you decide what to do. He might change his mind, but I wouldn't hold your breath. He should have told you he didn't want any more, not strung you along like he has done.

ludovica · 10/06/2015 14:22

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/06/2015 14:23

I'd leave. He knows what he's done...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/06/2015 14:26

Leave now if you want a chance at a family, because he is unlikely to change his mind and now he's holding you to ransom, on the basis that it will probably soon be too late for you anyway and so he'll get his own way.

He's already held you back with false "promises", knowing all along that this would be his reaction, I'm sure - so get away now, don't waste any more time on him. :(

BitOfFun · 10/06/2015 14:31

I think it's a bit late, realistically, to start from scratch now- my worry would be that you'd end up in an unhappy and unsuitable relationship due to the urgency you feel, and then you are manacled to a nightmare if you do get pregnant- I've heard far too many stories on here about twatty exes that women can't avoid due to contact issues. Is single motherhood via donor sperm something you'd consider? I would honestly prefer that myself to rushing into a new relationship purely to have a child. It doesn't write off the possibility of a great relationship which can develop at its own pace in the future. You might find that your partner now has a rethink if he sees how serious you are anyway.

Original poster
meudail40 · 10/06/2015 14:34

Thanks again for all the advice. Leaving is the best thing. I know deep down I could never look at him the same way again. When i see a child now, i get upset at the thought of not having any. I would rather be alone than have that opportunity taken away from me.

OP posts:
GymBum · 10/06/2015 14:37

Really sorry to how upset you are Op. You have a choice here; (1) relationship with him but you will always resent him (2) leave him to try find someone who wants kids.

His made it clear he doesn't want DC. Everyone has a right to make that decision. I agree with the poster that said its wrong of him to have insinuated he could see himself having a DC with you when you made it clear you wanted children. I don think he will change his mind about this. He already has two grown up DC and his not in the same position as you.

If you really want DC then this may be the end of this relationship.

saturnvista · 10/06/2015 14:39

What a horrible person he is. I would look on it as three happy years and look ahead to pastures new. Don't feel like he's your only chance of happiness, he's not.

Annarose2014 · 10/06/2015 14:47

Don't presume your chance is over. There are people who find it hard or impossible to conceive at 39. Then there are people like me, who conceived quickly. I haven't a clue what the stats are, but you could be like me, you don't know till you try.

I agree that a kid is much more fun than a resentful relationship. I'd go it alone and date later.

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