I would love to start a family but partner has said no.

[meudail40]

I hope members will be able to give me some advice.

I am 39 and my partner is 46, we met 3 years ago and have had a great relationship. At the beginning I told him I wanted children and always have, I was just waiting for the right man. He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I get on with them very well, the youngest is 17.

I had a contraceptive implant fitted 2 years ago, I had one previously, but told him I didn't want it for the full 3 years, he seemed to understand that and agreed with me.

For me, the time has come to have it removed but he looked terrified when I told him and now he says he doesn't want children. I'm heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do, we've talked, shouted at each other and not spoken for a while. He says we can't afford a child, hes too old, he likes the way things are and I was being selfish. For me, I'm torn, yes I love him but now I can't look at him and feel so angry. When he does something for his children he'll say what a good dad he is, yes he is, but it makes me angry he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to be a good mother.

Any advice would be great.

Fertility stats are constantly being revised. All the developed countries gather than and keep a vast number of medical statistician in employment.

Claims that the advise is based on data 'from a 100 years ago in France' is fcking nuts.

This gives a reasonable guide to women living in the developed world:

www.socalfertility.com/age-and-fertility/

Just because your mum/gran/aunt/neighbour/single mum next door/etc popped a healthy sprog out at 45 does not mean you will.

The thing is, we can argue til the cows come home but the fact is that the OP is 39. It's not as if she's in a position of choosing to do it at 25 or 39. So what's the point in saying she should have had children earlier?

From my point of view, sure I feel tired having kids in my late 30s and early 40s. But, I had a fab time in my 20s and early 30s. Travelling, drinking, shagging! Plus, and this is crucial for me, by waiting we were in a very good financial position. I'm quite sure I would have been less exhausted at 20 but I wouldn't be able to sah and have a professional career to return to. Nor would we own a lovely house in a lovely area. Financial stability was crucial for me before I'd even consider it.

If OP is certain she wants to be a mother then she needs to get out now. Because if she chooses her husband then fast forward 10 yrs and their marriage will be bitter with resentment.

Meudail you are right to do this. He has strung you along terribly, and I'm not in the slightest bit surprised that you feel angry when you look at him. Essentially he has lied to you. Even if he did change his mind, fwiw I think it would always colour your view of him.

His attitude seems to be very much "all about me" - what he wants, what he's prepared to let you have, what he is prepared to give. Even without the dc issue, do you really want to be with someone who puts you so far down the priorities list?

The only advice I can offer, what I would advise a friend to do, is to leave and take a bit of time. Decide what you want to do. Sod everyone else - do what YOU want. But take your time to decide on what that is. If you want to go it alone, there are ways and I think you would be more than capable. It sounds like you would make a wonderful mummy xx

300 years old now. Hmm.

Look, average life expectancy in the late 1800s was about 49 FFS!

Don't conflate 'conceiving' and being a 'good parent'.

My mum would be a good parent - she in the will to take my kids if me and DH get run over by a bus. But, at the age of 70, she's well past the age of knocking kids out. At its simplest, you feed em, wash em, send em to school, collect them from the police station...

My DH's mum would make a terrible parent - if she was still alive. And she was a terrible parent when she was in her 20s.

UK female life expectancy is 82.

At 39, she's pretty much halfway there.

It is NOT too late. I had my first child at 40, my second at 42. Lots of people do these days.

And lots of people don't even though they want to. Great that it wasn't too late for you, however you can't tell OP or anyone else that.

Telling women that its a lie and they can get pregnant anytime they want no matter their age is just as misleading and damaging as telling them they can't. The facts don't change because you want them too. A lot of it is luck.

Waiting does not appear to put people in a better financial position im their late 30s. Going by my cohorts, the money comes in and its spent. If you have kids its spent on kids. If you don;t have kids its spent on cars and holidays.

The days of getting older and getting more money are long gone.

Telling women that its a lie and they can get pregnant anytime they want no matter their age is just as misleading and damaging as telling them they can't.

She's not telling "women" anything.

She's telling one woman, who is already 39 and childless, and who hopes to have children.

Telling her it might well work out for her is not "lying" to her. It's being kind.

Telling her that she should have got knocked up years ago is pointless and unkind.

Telling her it might work out for is not lying, no, and it is kind (its also exactly what I said!).
But what she said was its fine, I did it so you can too, for sure. Which is not something she can promise. And that is not kind.
Telling her she should have done it years ago is idiotic and pointless.

every single time this argument comes up it is phrased as if the is a woman in her 20s waiting to see if she should get pregnant now or wait ten years.

Mostly that is NOT the case, the woman who was once 20 didn't want kids at the time, she wasn't 'delaying' or 'waiting' - she didn't want to have children. We should NEVER encourage people who don't want children or are really not sure if they want them or are not sure about their relationship to have children! How is that any good for the children? Baby-rearing is tough, even if you know you want to do it.

NOW there's a woman who is 39 and who now wants to have children. What's the point in ranting that she should have had them when she was 20?
What does she do NOW? Should she stay with a partner she's lost all trust and confidence in and keep putting hormones into her body to prevent pregnancy just because she's probably not at her natural peak fertility?
Or.. does she hope that there's a chance she is at the end of the statistical curve where she could conceive naturally?... I know what my advice would be.

How is this arguing helping the OP? She can't do anything about being 39. What she can do is give herself an opportunity to try to become a mother by leaving her partner and then considering her options.

Good luck OP

hereandthere I can see the graph you linked to. That's egg reserve by age in a pretty small sample. Did I miss a link to statistically important data? Or is this a sample of women seeking help at a fertility clinic?

Here, I was very polite in my response to you. Shame you couldn't do the same.

By the way, life expectancy at birth is different to life expectancy at 39, if we are getting pedantic.

Personally, I'd leave. Even if I thought it was too late to start again with someone else, I couldn't stay with someone who took the choice away from me. I'd resent them too much.

"The days of getting older and getting more money are long gone."

That's you generalising. As the other children turned 18, child support would've stopped. So yes, a year or two could well have made a material financial difference.

I disagree totally, hereandthere. When I was early 20s, both DH and I were burdened by massive student debt. Plus we could only afford to rent initially then but something smallish in a not particularly desirable area. By the time we were 35, wed been together since uni and yes we'd enjoyed travel and stuff but we'd also thought about having children so since about 27, had been saving and planning.

I wanted to be in a good financial position or not do it at all. We wanted them at 27 but we couldn't afford for me to take a few years off and I would have found it difficult to go back as not established enough. Our mortgage was still too high and I didn't want to be reliant on tax credits and stuff. Wanted healthy savings etc. I may have left it too late but I'd rather have left it too late that had a baby I couldn't afford. That's how I felt. I went on to have 4, 2 in my 40s. We were most certainly better off financially at 35 after 13/14yrs building up professional careers.

Just stop being so rude.

VERY OLD is 90.

VERY OLD to have a baby is 60.

39 is perfectly reasonable so wind yer necks in.

All this arguing was started by RobinandRowena who thought it would be a really helpful answer to the OP's question to basically say to her "don't let this break up your relationship, you should not be having children at your age anyway".

I'm sure that the OP, who already knew what age she was and already knew she wanted children, found that advice extremely supportive..

Agree Hellon - completely

This is not helpful.

At 39 there is no time to waste, BUT what bloody good is it doing arguing about it? What do you want op to do? Turn back time? Restart her life and do things differently? go and get a magic wand that will miraculously give her the fertility potential of a 16 year old?

Fucking hell people - a bit of support wouldn't go amiss

This is Relationships where people come for support and advice on some quite difficult and very personal issues.

Save your bitching and fighting for AIBU or elsewhere - it's a fucking disgrace to bring that kind of behaviour to a thread such as this.

this bit here
He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me

I think he has been stringing you along from the get go OP :(

he didn't come out with the truth in the early stages of the relationship because he knew that you would walk.

Instead he keeps you sweet with something vague but ultimately non committal.

He's decided to tell the truth now because he thinks that your commitment to him is more powerful than your desire to be a mother.
I guess he forgot to factor in the degree to which your commitment to him would drop once you realize that he has cruelly and selfishly stolen 3 or your childbearing years

Out of interest does anyone know the average age of first time mothers in the UK?

Op, I think you'd grow to resent him if you stayed. Break-ups are never easy but you have to make your own choices and decisions and you want a child.