I would love to start a family but partner has said no.

[meudail40]

I hope members will be able to give me some advice.

I am 39 and my partner is 46, we met 3 years ago and have had a great relationship. At the beginning I told him I wanted children and always have, I was just waiting for the right man. He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I get on with them very well, the youngest is 17.

I had a contraceptive implant fitted 2 years ago, I had one previously, but told him I didn't want it for the full 3 years, he seemed to understand that and agreed with me.

For me, the time has come to have it removed but he looked terrified when I told him and now he says he doesn't want children. I'm heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do, we've talked, shouted at each other and not spoken for a while. He says we can't afford a child, hes too old, he likes the way things are and I was being selfish. For me, I'm torn, yes I love him but now I can't look at him and feel so angry. When he does something for his children he'll say what a good dad he is, yes he is, but it makes me angry he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to be a good mother.

Any advice would be great.

Guys, no pointing in fighting each other, we are here to offer advice to someone who has asked basically should I stay or go, age is immaterial for parenting, it doesn't make you a good or bad parent, and I don't think we were asked to give out opinions on who is selfish or not, simply the OP is 39, time is wearing on, she's asking whether she should start again, in whatever manner, so let's not fight please, let's give some good advice instead

Gee I've only just realised that if I'm 49 and my 7 year old is 7, then bloody hell I'm going to be 60 when she's 18! OMG. It hadn't occurred to me before. I wonder if she'll invite me to the party? Hopefully she will have learned from my mistake and have a couple of dcs by then.

Walk away, OP. it's the right thing to do. He has not been fair or honest. I hope things work out for you and that you will be a mother.

He did know how important it was for me, we talked about it many times, at one point he started talking about baby names. I wanted to be a bit more financially secure so put it off but he always knew that my implant was coming out sooner rather than later. If we had tried for a baby and I didn't conceive, I could live with that but he's taken the opportunity away from me. I am leaving and have told him that. All he said was, if I loved him how could I throw it all away.

I would walk away because of how he is treating you over this. Obviously being a good dad is important to him but he wants you to just suck it up if you can't have the same as a result of his decisions. And the "if you loved me, you'd..," talk goes both ways.

If he has recently changed his mind I would expect a lot more "I'm so sorry, I don't think I can do this again, I know this will hurt you"

That argument works both ways, if he loved you he'd do anything to keep you.

It's also a juvenile and un-empathetic thing to say, he obviously doesn't understand how important this is to you. I spilt with my exDP because I wanted children and he didn't and although we were both very sad we both accepted the others position.

It is not selfish to stick to a long held and frequently expressed desire that the other partner has previously agreed with!

I think leaving is the right decision.0

All he said was, if I loved him how could I throw it all away.

Clearly it is all about him. He was obviously counting on the fact that you would put him first - is that a pattern in your relationship already?

All he said was, if I loved him how could I throw it all away.

"You threw it all away, mate, when you lied to me about wanting children and wasted three years of my life when I could have been having a family with someone else."

OP, very sorry it has turned out like this, but you have no choice but to leave him sadly. And in the end, if it has come to the moment and he has changed his mind or whatever, it is better that he is honest . However, he owes you an apology , not a guilt trip, emotional blackmail and laying the break up at your door for not loving him!

I started my family at 42, we have some financial security, we have a massive range of life experiences and are fit active , roller coaster riding, kayaking, guitar playing parents of teens. So are many of our friends.

Sperm donor, Guardian Soul Mates, gay mate who would love to be a co-parent , new partner are all ways I have known women start families.

Good luck!

Time is not your friend.

Leave now and start sorting having your own child.

He has shown disregard for your feelings op in a very callous way. I think he is selfish and cruel - not great daddy material anyway.

If you want a child there are many options - go for it.

I fell PG very easily at 39 and43. Despite what the media says you could find you don't have problems there. Statistics are just stats not everyone's reality.

I'm now SP and am very happy.

If he loved you he wouldn't have strung you along.

Throw it all away?? Is he for real? As opposed to throwing away a deep need to have a child?

Anyway, very glad you've decided to put yourself first. Well done.

Two of friends have had babies by donor insemination at 40, one because she got fed up waiting for the right man. The other left an otherwise happy relationship as he didn't want kids.

Both have lovely toddlers now and are great mums, it was the right decision for them.

They don't know each other - I suspect this is becoming more common.

Two of my friends I mean!

RobinandRowena

Lots of people have their children late but don't think of how old they'll be when their children are teens/young adults.

Bollocks. If you are so stupid that you could not work that out then you are unlikley to have had the brains to work out which hole to put the penis into.

Fortunately most people who have children in their forties do not give a flying fuck about what people like you think of older parents. And they have had their fun responsibility-free lives while they were young enough to enjoy them properly, instead of being in their fifties and waiting for the kids to leave home before it can begin.

OP, well done for having the strength to leave your DP, must be hard for you but it is the right decision if you feel motherhood is a priority. Ignore Robin's nonsense. But do recognise that if you want to have children then biologically you should get on with it very quickly. I know several women who went it alone with donors and they are all very happy indeed. It's really easy and common these days.

This man is an absolute bollocks. I'm so glad you are leaving him.

He thought he had you trapped. Well done for proving him wrong.

Good luck with your life.

And ignore all the nonsense about it being to late to have your first baby.

I agree with BitofFun, though. Time's too tight now for hoping you meet someone else if becoming a mother is something you really want to do.

You can find a partner any time. Your baby window is closing now.

I think "fuck off" is about the only response to someone who is repeatedly telling a 39 year old woman that wants to have a child that she is "too old" based on nothing other than their own prejudices.

Sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear :(
I'm sorry op

So because some think that having a baby older isn't ideal they're being judgemental? wtf? It's no less wrong to not want a baby at 45 than it is at 16, just because it works for some doesn't mean it does for everyone, and it's a fact that you're less likely to conceive at that age, so if you decide to become a parent at 40 then you don't have time for much treatment for instance if you find you struggle, and treatments such as IVF will depend on donor eggs if you need to go down that route. it's just not black and white, and it's not for everyone.

And I agree that there are wider implications to having babies older. We are actually changing the generations by doing so - children born to someone in their twenties are far more likely to grow up having family relationships with e.g. grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. If you have a baby in your 40's you will be well into your 60's before it leaves school, then assuming it goes on to university the chances of you being in good health by the time that child starts its own family, and the chances of seeing your grandchildren grow up are minimal. That's not a judgement, it's a fact.

Having children later in life has consequences not just for the parent but the children, their children, the wider family. Have a look at the bereavement boards and threads from people who lose a parent into their late twenties/early thirties while they're starting their own families, and the emotional toll that takes.

It's a personal choice, and just because some people are prepared to go down that route doesn't mean that everyone is or that the reasons why some think it's a bad idea aren't valid.