I would love to start a family but partner has said no.

[meudail40]

I hope members will be able to give me some advice.

I am 39 and my partner is 46, we met 3 years ago and have had a great relationship. At the beginning I told him I wanted children and always have, I was just waiting for the right man. He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I get on with them very well, the youngest is 17.

I had a contraceptive implant fitted 2 years ago, I had one previously, but told him I didn't want it for the full 3 years, he seemed to understand that and agreed with me.

For me, the time has come to have it removed but he looked terrified when I told him and now he says he doesn't want children. I'm heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do, we've talked, shouted at each other and not spoken for a while. He says we can't afford a child, hes too old, he likes the way things are and I was being selfish. For me, I'm torn, yes I love him but now I can't look at him and feel so angry. When he does something for his children he'll say what a good dad he is, yes he is, but it makes me angry he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to be a good mother.

Any advice would be great.

Wannabe, because people on average live longer now, I imagine more people in the past lost parents before they became parents.

I don't think it is as clear cut as everyone is saying. I remember feeling very differently when I was 46 than when I was 42/3. At 42/3 I was still touching my 30s, late 40s is more about touching your 50s and starting to feel less invincible, of getting the odd twinge, perhaps, and actually realising you have to pace yourself a bit. And yes, even in my mid 50s I still feel young at heart.

Also, if the youngest is 17, then there is a "moving on" and also a stark realisation of the cost of university education and the support that older children need now financially and that was possibly not as resonant two or three years ago for your husband.

I agree with the poster who have said as children get older the distance between life with older children and tinies becomes much greater indeed and your DH having done intense parenting once before just might not feel physically or mentally up to doing it again however much he loves you and it might be something that has hit as reality has dawned.

If you think quietly have you both really been discussed this regularly over the last few years beyond the initial, I'll get an implant for less than the maximum time? Is it because you've had the implant and he therefore hasn't faced up to the reality and what have become quite tangible fears?

It's a difficult situation for you both and I'm not sure it's quite as cut and dried as you are suggesting or that it's as easy as being suggested to go it alone. I think you and your partner need both to reflect a little and think about your potential mutual and separate futures before doing any permanent damage to what you have already.

I don't work for people who are arseholes and neither my mum nor my gran would ever be so nasty as to start expounding their theories of perfect age for prima gravida to a 39 year old who had been deceived in her late 30s into thinking she could have a baby soon and is now desperate.

In fact, I think my gran would be first in line with her version of the "fuck off"s if anyone started that kind of crap. I doubt she'd be terribly worried about what that said about her maturity at 97.

I think it's quite likely that the imminent adulthood of his youngest has changed his mind. What's off is him calling OP selfish.

You are not good role models for this state because having the obvious pointed out to you seems to wind you up so much.

Ugh.

I'd much rather have springy as a mum than you.

Vile, passive aggressive, unpleasant, unkind, inappropriate, unnecessary, self important.

Sorry if you are unable to imagine a single situation in life where you might feel the need to restrain yourself and find a more intelligent and meaningful way of responding.

Ah, so you enjoy the passive aggressive thing. That figures.

Sorry for the derail, OP. It's a shame someone saw your thread as an opportunity for expounding their ideological beliefs about when women should have children.

It's not much use to you, at this point. But the best thing was probably to ignore it.

I hope you are OK.

Wow this thread seems to have polarised opinions. I have never seen such virtriol between posters.

There are advantages/disadvantages of parenting both old and young. What is not in doubt, is that in general doctors advice that conceiving is more problematic as you get older. So OP, if you want a baby, the clock is running (as you are no doubt aware).

I agree with BeaufortBelle at close to 50, the dp may be starting to realise that age is not on his side. Add this to the realisation that kids really do go on for ever (in terms of emotional and financial commitment).

how do you feel about using sperm donors? i would rather that in your situation than try to find a new perfect partner in a year. up to your partner if he sticks around. he might.

I think that even Robin realises that her comment about people not thinking about how old they will be when their child is 18 is rather silly - as she is now back tracking furiously.

Wannabe's comment about it changing the make up of generations is actually not quite correct. As it does not allow for the huge mortality improvements that are going on at the moment. As a rule of thumb every 7 years life expectancy increases by another year.

Going back to the point of the thread - Op - I don't know if your dp was always stringing you along or if he has genuinely changed his mind. What I do know is that his love for you is selfish. He wants what is best for him ie for you to stay with him, not what is best for you - which may be for you to stay but is probably for you to leave and try to have a child by sperm donor - only you can decide.

You won't change his mind by staying. Not a chance in hell! And every month your time is getting less. If you want a child then you need to leave. It's a tough choice although in my opinion it is one that is made much easier by him being unpleasant about it.

OP he isn't life partner material if that is his response to something he knows is so important to you (and we're not talking about something like the holiday of a lifetime here, it's creating a new person and all that entails). As a PP said, he wants to come first. If he did father your child, who's to say he wouldn't find it all a bit hard down the track and do a disappearing act?

As an aside, I think the PPs saying "oh but you'll be 60 when it finishes school" are being disingenuous and a bit stuck in the past. For a start, anyone currently in their childbearing years probably won't be able to afford to retire in their 60s; I very much doubt there will be a pension by then and aged care services are already on their knees. We're all just going to have to work for longer than our parents did. And second, this is reality, there's no point in being nasty about it. Women have children later now than they used to, mostly because (rather sensibly) they want to be financially secure first. No point in bitching about it.

OP your husband has been terribly inconsiderate of your feelings. I'm so sorry.

39 is not old at all to have a baby (Rowena, do you live in some backwater?) so keep your options open.

Leaving is the best thing. I know deep down I could never look at him the same way again. When i see a child now, i get upset at the thought of not having any. I would rather be alone than have that opportunity taken away from me.

This .... OP .... exactly this. You have it in a nutshell. I'm very sorry he's put you through this, it's not only having your hopes about a child dashed but also finding out he wasn't the person you thought he was as he clearly can't be trusted. And yes .... for a variety of reasons people may change their minds about such an issue but I'm having a hard time believing that he changed his mind the instant you told him you wanted to take out your implant (which you had previously discussed so no big surprise there) which means, presumably, he had already changed his mind at some previous point but had omitted to discuss it with you. And that is what's really cruel - who knows when that was ? ..... maybe it was a year ago, maybe had he been honest sooner, you'd be that much further down the road to sorting your life out instead of having to do it now when you're that bit older - which is pretty pertinent given the issue at hand.

FWIW I'm 50 and mum to an 11 year old. I don't feel old, hopefully look pretty good for my age too (am often taken for early 40s) and am as slim as I was in my 20s. I do NOT feel knocked sideways by being a mother at such an 'advanced' age ..... we are all different and there are women who are knackered with kids and unable to cope who are 20-30 years younger than me. Please ignore the harbingers of doom re: having a 'later' child on this thread who are somewhat missing its main point in any case and are hardly likely to make you feel much better by cack-handedly putting you 'off' the idea ..... as if that makes your hurt at what's happened with your partner okay. It's up to you and you alone whether you pursue the idea of having a child going forward .... only you know your strengths and weaknesses, and all wider considerations particular to your life.

Meudail I agree leaving is the best thing. I met DH at 40; had DD at 43, naturally. It happens.

He has two children from his first marriage - he wasn't keen at the time on another child but agreed it wasn't fair on me to have all the stuff that goes with step kids without even having the chance to try for a child of my own.

He's a great Dad and neither of us regret having DD late in the day. For me it was all about 'fairness' and whether he was a reasonable person who treated me with respect and decency. If I hadn't got pregnant life would have gone on; if he hadn't agreed to try - the relationship wouldn't have.

Less for the OP - here's not a lot I can advise on. More for people reading the thread.

39 is very old to have a baby, never mind the first one. Your fertility drops like a brick after 35.

If you want kids and you are older (35+), you need to be looking for a man who is same age or younger. Men have age related fertility problems too.

If you are waiting to 'meet the right man' and meet him in your 30s WTFS wait another 3 years before trying to conceive? Thats nuts.

The fertility falling off a Cliff stats are from France over 100 years ago.

Yes, fertility drops with age but it is more of a decline over time than a falling brick.

Meudail, you are doing the right thing by leaving. I'm sorry that you have been treated so badly but you will be so much happier being a single parent than wondering if this manipulative man will ever change his mind.

Fertility is different for everyone. I am 41 and still extremely fertile according to my gynaecologist who used an ultrasound to check out the state of my ovaries last week.

OP, go it alone. I know I would have done if I hadn't met the right man. Start researching your options now and don't listen to this "too old" rubbish. Everyone is different.

Well said hereandthere.

I haven't said how old I was having my first baby (people are assuming I was a young Mum). I was average. 29 having my first and 35 having my last. Your age does not determine whether you will be a good mother or not.

Bathtime, What does 'go figure' mean exactly? You are beginning to sound confused!You are letting the thread get to you. Don't. It's an internet forum , not a personal attack . I don't know (or care) about your personal situation.

Mumoftwo, how/where am I 'backtracking furiously'?

Fertility isn't really that different for everyone. OF course there are going to be people who are extremely fertile long after everyone else, and plenty of women get pregnant easily at 40plus. But its still a fact that for the average person their chances get lower and lower all the time. Unless you have test results to show good fertility levels personally, you'd be crazy to gamble against the reality. Hope for the best, but don't plan on it.
IT isn't fair but its what it is. At 39 your options are rapidly diminishing and you have to make decisions quickly. Wait and see, wait and hope are luxuries we can't afford.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this difficult position. He won't make a good dad, its clear it's not what he wants. I don't blame you for feeling angry and cheated.

It is NOT too late. I had my first child at 40, my second at 42. Lots of people do these days.

There is a man out there who wants the same as you do and you won't find him until you get rid of the liar.

I wish you all the best OP. Go and make it happen.

I think that right at the beginning when he said he 'hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me' this should have been your opportunity to get out. I think that unless, at that point he made firm plans when having babies might happen, him saying that was in fact a stalling tactic. I think he was hoping that by saying that you would eventually forget about it.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's a classic tactic from men with older children. You are still young enough to find someone who wants children and next time, really listen to what they are saying wrt children at the beginning. Hope it works out for you

Actually Yonic the stats are nearer 300 years old! So even less relevant. And 100 years ago many women had their first child younger but crucially they went on having children for 20 years so their bodies were exhausted by years of pregnancy. Dying in childbirth was still relatively common. They took far more of a gamble having their 10th child at 36 than a woman today having her first at the same age.