I would love to start a family but partner has said no.

[meudail40]

I hope members will be able to give me some advice.

I am 39 and my partner is 46, we met 3 years ago and have had a great relationship. At the beginning I told him I wanted children and always have, I was just waiting for the right man. He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I get on with them very well, the youngest is 17.

I had a contraceptive implant fitted 2 years ago, I had one previously, but told him I didn't want it for the full 3 years, he seemed to understand that and agreed with me.

For me, the time has come to have it removed but he looked terrified when I told him and now he says he doesn't want children. I'm heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do, we've talked, shouted at each other and not spoken for a while. He says we can't afford a child, hes too old, he likes the way things are and I was being selfish. For me, I'm torn, yes I love him but now I can't look at him and feel so angry. When he does something for his children he'll say what a good dad he is, yes he is, but it makes me angry he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to be a good mother.

Any advice would be great.

By that I mean sperm donor, just to be clear.

I would definitely leave just because he has children doesn't give him right to deprive you of having your own. Leaving will be best choice because the love for your child far outweighs the love you have for him.

I had a child on my own using a sperm donor and a clinic. I personally had an easy and brilliant experience resulting in my gorgeous daughter. I couldn't recommend it enough and I'm living proof you don't need a partner to have a baby.
Don't miss out on being a mummy. You can meet a partner at any time but you will regret not having children more and more and so possibly lose this man anyway through bitterness and regret.
Call your brother now he sounds like he'd make a great uncle!!

It's hard to tell from here who has been unreasonable - he may well have thought he wanted dc with you but has changed his mind. It's not fair of you to force him into having dc too, and I can understand how he feels - his dc are grown up, he's almost 50, he's moving into a new phase of life.

BUT. he should have been honest with you (if he hasn't been).

Would you stay with him without dc? Or would you prefer to go it alone? Only you know how much he's lied to you/misled you about perhaps wanting dc.

Ludovica - I think you're being a bit OTT.

I would think you have to leave. He's not just let you down on something huge, he's wasted years that really matter when you are talking about fertility.
If you want to have a child at all, you can't afford to wait and see if he will change his mind. Sorry to be blunt but that is the reality.

Ps: if you do decide on the sperm donor route and want to PM me any questions i'd be happy to talk it through with you as those first few steps can be a bit daunting! Don't feel you are alone you aren't. X

If he told you he didn't want any more children as soon as he changed his mind, I don't think he's done anything wrong.
If he's knowingly led you on for months and then suddenly announced he doesn't want them when it was time for you to change contraception, then that is wrong.
Either way, the relationship is over if you definitely want more.
Horrid situation.

Sorry you are in this situation. I'm afraid I'd leave now. For me that would be a deal breaker and agree with others that say your resentment will build, not diminish over time.
Your brother sounds fab!

Agree that conceiving is easier for some. I became pregnant at 41 despite using TWO methods of contraception. I wouldn't necessarily write off your chances of conceiving naturally however I would be looking at getting moving on it pretty quickly.

Op if you really want to become a mother you haven't got time to waste. Don't wait for your partner to change his mind you've got to take action now. It seems he has been very unkind to you.

I was in a similar situation with an ex partner at 39 - he didn't want any more children and I did, as he already had a young DD and I was childless. We split and I spent some time reconciling myself to the likely scenario being that I wouldn't have children. I then met my partner a few months later and now have 2 children and am very happy. I was 41 and 43 when they were born and I had easy pregnancies and no problems conceiving. I think you still have time to do this if you want to.

I know a few men who have done this to their partners. Only one changed his mind as he didnt want to lose her. The others are still with their husbands/partners childless.

It depends what is most important to you. You can do it alone as suggested.

I always thought I would do it alone, and despite being married for the conception part, I did end up doing it alone, and it was easier than doing it with my dickhead ex.

So, if you want to do it, go for it, but do it alone - don't waste any more time with someone who has lead you up the garden path. If he changes his mind about you, well and good, but at least you will have the child(ren) that you hoped for.

I know someone whose partner was older, he wouldn't have really wanted another child at that stage, she desperately did. They agreed on having one child and its worked really well for them, perhaps because the child is pretty easy-going so their life is not that different in terms of holidays, able to socialise and so on. The dad also is really great with the child and in many ways it has kept him young, although he did worry he felt too old and so on initially.

If your partner would rather lose you than have another child, you know how much they don't want another child. I would ask again though, making it clear that this is really a life dream for you and if it doesn't happen, then you simply will have to leave.

I wouldn't set future deadlines though unless they were months, you don't have years to set them in if you honestly do want children, even if you wanted to go it alone.

I think you have to be prepared to go it alone. You'd have to be exceptionally lucky to start from scratch with a new partner now in time to have a child. Have a child now, there's plenty of time for a new happy relationship with a man after that, without the pressure of childlessness hanging over you.
Think about your options - donor sperm, co-parenting with a gay man, adoption, etc. Be open about your plans and offer him the chance of being the donor because mentally that may be easier for you, but be prepared for him to say no.

I was also a single parent until ds was 7 ish (married when he was 12) and looking back, I know it was worthwhile. You're looking at it from the scary end.

I think no more deadlines, you just don't have the time. If you give him one, he'll just defer the decision.

Moving out is the only way of showing him you mean business.

He has no reason to change his mind. He has children. He's not going to suddenly develop a burning desire to pass on his genes. He's done it. You have a supportive brother who presumably will be a male influence in your child's life if you did it alone. I'd go. Love doesn't last long when tempered with resentment.

I think he is very cruel, he is with a woman in her late thirties who he knows wants children but then changes his mind once he thinks he got you. I bet he never wanted more kids, he just said that to snare you.

He should least agree to have one, surely that's a compromise.

Many time we say, do or agree to or with things at the beginning of a relationship without thinking the long term consequences through.
A "maybe" or a "might" becomes a certainty in one persons mind over time while it was always a "maybe"
I am not saying that happened in your case.
However, you are where you are. You know what he wants now.
If a child was a deal breaker at the beginning, it still is, so break the deal and get out.
Good luck.

I think there are two deal breakers here. The first is that he doesn't want children with you, and the second is that he has been lying to you for three years! It's the lying which I couldn't stomach - and neither can you, given that you can't bring yourself to look at him. I don't blame you. He has been selfish and cruel and I would not want to be a parent with someone who is capable of this. He has shown you what he is capable of, so even if he suddenly came back to you begging to impregnate you, I would see lots of red flags. He has been awful to you. You have been honest with him, and he has been very dishonest with you. I don't know how he can live with himself. I would want to end it too.

It's not just a case of him changing his mind...he's given you lots of reasons, all of which are the reasons why he was never countenancing the idea of having a baby with you. He then accuses you of being selfish! Fucking priceless. LTB. And good luck OP. I had my first baby at 42.

I don't have much to add but what stood out to me was that you say he talks about what a good dad he is to his two. I dare say he is a good dad but it does suggest he's looking at things from his perspective and not theirs. I imagine that's also why he's calling you selfish - because he just wants his own way. Do you really think he's got what it takes to be a good dad to your DC, or if necessary to go through treatment with you if you needed it, be there for you if the worst happens and you can't have DC after all?

I think you'd be wise to leave and to go it alone. If you really want a child you should not be denied the opportunity by someone who already had two and who has at best been disingenuous and unkind to you.

Having come very close to never being able to have children (offered experimental treatment while signing up for a hysterectomy) I could deal with never being a mother BUT I couldn't stay with someone who chose that. My husband and I went through the grieving together. We would have made plans for a life neither of us expected together. If I was sobbing, I knew he felt the same way, rather than just waiting for me to get over it so we could live the life he wanted.

Do you love together? Maybe you could go for artificial insemination & he can stick around if he wants. When I was ready for children it was soon after me & dh first got together so I gave hm the option of being a co-parent or bystander while I tried to be a mother.

Good luck

I don't like him on the basis that he is calling you selfish, when he's the one who has had things all his way, and is self-congratulatory about 'what a good dad he is' while denying you the chance to have kids yourself. Pack up and go to your brother's this weekend and tell him it's over, and start looking into sperm donation. Men come and go but you'll always be a mum.

To be fair, 46 is knocking on a bit to have a baby. He'd be 64 when his child left school, and they need support for years after that. Sounds like you have two choices: stay with him and seethe with resentment, or leave and find someone younger/diy.Incidentally, no-one has a right to have a child, and they're not toys.