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Original poster

I would love to start a family but partner has said no.

204 replies

meudail40 · 10/06/2015 13:53

I hope members will be able to give me some advice.

I am 39 and my partner is 46, we met 3 years ago and have had a great relationship. At the beginning I told him I wanted children and always have, I was just waiting for the right man. He told me that he hadn't thought of having more children but could see it happening with me. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I get on with them very well, the youngest is 17.

I had a contraceptive implant fitted 2 years ago, I had one previously, but told him I didn't want it for the full 3 years, he seemed to understand that and agreed with me.

For me, the time has come to have it removed but he looked terrified when I told him and now he says he doesn't want children. I'm heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do, we've talked, shouted at each other and not spoken for a while. He says we can't afford a child, hes too old, he likes the way things are and I was being selfish. For me, I'm torn, yes I love him but now I can't look at him and feel so angry. When he does something for his children he'll say what a good dad he is, yes he is, but it makes me angry he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to be a good mother.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 21:52

I think you knew deep down that he was unlikely to want more children, and if not , you should have after being with him for 3 years. It doesn't sound like you have had a clearcut conversation about it. ...''he seemed to understand and agreed with me''. He did not promise you anything it appears. 39 is very old to have your first child too. (regardless of all the stories you will hear on here about people having theirs in their late 30s /early 40s) You have to think about the future and how old you will be when the child is a teen and then a young adult.

springydaffs · 10/06/2015 21:53

I'm so sorry op.

He has been, is being, monumentally selfish - not least by calling you selfish! the bastard .

Total deal breaker imo. As others are saying, there are options open to you - but leave this dickhead and start researching those options. Xx

And don't listen to doom and gloom stories! Looking at you BitofFun

springydaffs · 10/06/2015 21:54

.. And RobinandRowena! Ffs!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2015 21:55

OP... He may well have changed his mind, perhaps - as it wasn't important to him - he didn't realise the importance it has for you. I wouldn't waste anymore time trying to change his mind.

Will you be able to rent/buy somewhere to provide for a child that you might have? It's possible of course to go it alone, but it's more difficult I think. I hope you have a good support network around you. Best wishes.

BitOfFun · 10/06/2015 21:57

Eh? There's nothing doom and gloom about my post: I'm making the sensible point that if you want to get your skates on (which is wise aged 39) about having a baby, then take control and don't let your maternal urges coral you into another unsuitable relationship just to achieve that aim.

Nothing downbeat about that- it's simply practical advice.

RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 21:59

Springy, how is it a 'total deal breaker' when he never actually committed to having more children?
With respect, OP, you have known him long enough to know whether he wants more children or not.His kids are teens, why would ne want to start all over again?

GymBum · 10/06/2015 22:06

Robin what's with judging women who had kids in late 30s (38 for me and trying for second now 39). Seriously you need to get a grip!

I agree with Lying- that he may well have changed his mind. What's important is what you want Op. A DC or him.

springydaffs · 10/06/2015 22:12

He didn't realise how important it was to you?!? Like DUH. Apart from the blindingly obvious, you had actually made it clear you wanted children at some stage.

Another here who has done it alone - not donor but divorced when kids were small. No it isn't easy but it's not necessarily that hard, either. Ime one just gets on with it, it's what it is.

ClashCityRocker · 10/06/2015 22:13

I didn't think robin was judging, just stating a biological fact - it will be harder for many woman in their late thirties to conceive. Of course, there are plenty of success stories - however she doesn't have the luxury of time on her side.

Whether the bloke has been selfish or not is irrelevant - he's set out his stall, and OP has a choice to make. You mentioned it was discussed at the beginning of the relationship - if it hasn't been mentioned since it could be that he didn't realise it's importance to you. I'm sorry you're going through this though.

RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 22:15

Gym. Don't take it personaly. It's not judging , it's simply fact, late 30s/early 40s is very old to have your first baby. Lots of people have their children late but don't think of how old they'll be when their children are teens/young adults.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 10/06/2015 22:17

It's only old biologically. Certainly not socially, not where I live. I appreciate that the biological aspect is important when TTC but so is financial security and being with the right partner.

springydaffs · 10/06/2015 22:17

I think they do Robin Hmm

You've made your point - that's enough now

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/06/2015 22:18

How do you know they don't think about that Rowena?

GymBum · 10/06/2015 22:23

Clash Robin wasn't talking about biology. We all understand biology. I conceived wishing 6 weeks of coming off the pill. It wasn't an issue for me. Robin was judging our ability to look after our DC when their teens/young adults.

Robin I do take your generalisation personally. Your age doesn't make you a better parent. In fact I would argue older parents have more life experience and are more financially secure therefore in a better position to support their DC. Maybe you think our mental capacity is somehow reminisced. FFS your comment is as bad as those that judge young parents.

RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 22:24

Spring, Thanks but I'll continue it you don't mind.
Giddy, who knows what people thing when they decide to try for a baby, but, my point is just that, it is not a babby for long. And as was pointed out upthread the OP's partner would be in his 60s when the child left school.
I know a lot of older parents and they will be working beyond retirement age to support their children.(if they go to uni) And they are dreading it!

GymBum · 10/06/2015 22:25

Diminished not reminisced. Bloody auto correct.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/06/2015 22:34

But you said they don't think about it. Then you say who knows what they think.
Don't go telling people what they did or didn't think about. Some people do think about it but if they have a choice of being older parents or childless they'll still go ahead. Not everyone is in a position to choose to have children in a relationship at 25. Or 30. The OP cannot wind the clock back so has to play the hand she holds now.

springydaffs · 10/06/2015 22:36

I do, as it happens. Particularly as you're saying the same thing over and over.

You said it once. You were heard. That's enough.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2015 22:39

springydaffs, agree or disagree but everyone's entitled to post when they want to without essentially being told to shut up.

BitOfFun · 10/06/2015 22:40

I'm still perplexed as to why I was accused of doom and gloom...

Bluestocking · 10/06/2015 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

springydaffs · 10/06/2015 22:52

Oh shut up lying Wink

Offensive point was the point - expounded upon.

RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 22:52

Spring, I think you are taking this thread a bit too personally.
You made your decision , it's not for everyone. Let people have their opinions and be calm please.

PaulaJane37 · 10/06/2015 22:54

I've been where you are, yet he promised me we would have a family, he would say he was broody and his aunt even gave him money for a vasectomy reversal privately, for six years I begged and begged for it to happen and eventually we split, I'm glad we did (he actually was having an affair with my (ex) best friend!!) and I realised i wasted all those years! I'm glad I'm not with him, I'm in a different relationship and actively ttc (I'm 40 in a couple of months) with a wonderful wonderful man, but I regret the years I wasted on a liar, think carefully about your future as I was resenting him towards the end, with or without the affair we would have ended as he lied about his wants and needs and said they were the same as mine, you may end up resenting your do and then split and then regret the wasted years

RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 22:56

Wow Blue, why are you getting so upset? An excellent mother, are you? Well, I hope you are calmer with your children than you are on here.
And, ahem, I won't fuck off, thanks.
(take some deep breaths)