HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Please continue to post on the previous thread until it is full. Thanks

Previous thread

We are now up and running here

Hello :)

Checking In.

Hi all, so in reply to WWK's suggestions re naming highlights from the threads so far, here are mine

Laughs, I have never laughed out loud so many times as I have done since being on the threads. And could I remember the specific laughs, could I fuck. However a few spring to mind. I will search and report back on that.

One thing I have taken from the threads is Roz's comment that so many times since the split she has done things outside of her comfort zone, and they are gradually becoming her comfort zone. I can definitely relate to that, both as a mantra and as experience.

This post from Hobbit has always stuck in my mind.always makes me laugh, it's the way she tells it. 11 March she describes Mr SW

"I have seen a picture of Wwks fella, and he would frighten small children, let me tell ya! Think the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang, only bald! [shocked]
Soz, honey, but I nearly ran away screaming "

Another highlight from iwas 18 Jan. Death at the Supermarket. What I love about it was the way iwas found her steel balls. And we realised that there was more to the lovely iwas than we thought

"She said it was no excuse but she had fallen for him before anything happened and she thought that he liked her and hadn't realised he was like that at the time. I said if she thought that he was going to keep it in his trousers then she was more stupid than she looked. I said that she "might have got my husband into bed because let's face it he'll go with any old skank but you will never play happy families with my children" and I walked off."

Welcome back what

Still reminiscing about this classic from Living whose ex thought steak and ale pie was made with steak and dead owls

what taking off your rings is very symbolic. At first, to me, it symbolised wanting to get away from him, the broken marriage. Now it's a badge of honour as a single woman. And on a practical level, for those thinking of dating in the future, I have to say that after 6 months you can still see the mark where the ring used to be.

Glad you're on the up, you're doing incredibly well, and you are prepared for the inevitable crashes along the way, which get shorter and shorter in my experience.

I agree with izzie there is a pub I pass called The Owl and it's all I can think about the "steak and dead owl pie" .............

Hello and good night all. KOKO xx

thoughts for the day..

Sorry, I'm being needy.

Am I wasting my money if I go to see the solicitor tomorrow just for more advice/reassurance, I made the appointment to start divorce proceedings but that's clearly going to lead to more tension. Don't know what to do.

I feel like I need to let the dust settle, and go back to plan A which was to wait for the pension information. Will they charge me anyway if I cancel a 10am appointment when they open at 9am?

One last one

braving have you already seen this solicitor? I am sure that if you call early and explain the situation they might be Ok with that. You could tell a small lie and say that you had been expecting "x info" to be here but it has been delayed?

I have seen him once before, a paid appointment not a free half hour. I could say I thought I'd have the pension info by now. That way if they say they'll charge I can go anyway. Good plan.

Braving your plan was going to be my suggestion. Yes

Hobbit good luck for tomorrow. You are making good progress there I think

Boo ... evening all. Thinking of all of you. KOKO.

Hello what, stalkers are a problem...but canniness is always clever.

What annoys me is I still have a 'marriage scar' on my left hand. I want that gone.

My body is my own again but age makes the skin less elastic. Ho hum.

Anyway to continue with protocol:

Morning Izzie! Yet another fab intro! And thank you for continuing the bar!

Name: WWK, aka Mother
Status: Divorced for my unreasonable behaviour. (see thread 7 for a definition of UB)

Marriage: 15 years, left abruptly, forget to mention it to me. Dragged to court four times. It was hell. I am 'meh' about him...but...

Background: Left me in a financial hellhole then he went on to spend anything and everything he could get his hands on to avoid giving me a financial settlement. It was (and remains) hell. Final Hearing finished about two months ago. Fell apart for quite some time. Had a lot of counselling and did a lot of navel gazing.

Currently trying to rebuild my life. Not easy but not giving up. Bills currently piling up, neatly, by the front door. SHL being understanding...me being less than okay about it all!

Ex DH: MrSW (Mr Snowey-Whitey) because it's never his fault and he's never to blame.

Current state of mind: discombobulated!

I have managed to earn more freelance than the two current job offers (by some margin) this month. Liking the freelance work but wanting (perhaps needing?) to move on...

Am now rethinking my need to rejoin formal workplace but also my need to 'move on' has implications for my "mental health" both good and bad. And my financial situation.

Trying to write a book (but need to pay bills is interfering), but also needing 'formal structure to my life' vis a vis the need to pay bills v. please God, don't let me be condemned to a life of data inputting, v. I've made a life locally, v. this can't be 'it' v. 'get me fucking out of here...v. I can afford to be unemployed for five years (maybe more)..but living on the breadline v. but I should be responsible about shit v. I haven't got a fucking clue... v. I'm not getting any younger so take care of shit...and both job offers have 'suddenly' dropped their salary when offering me the job...v. it's a means to an end...v. but all the same, I'm basement bargain!

Go figure.

So struggling with endless dilemmas. Had decided to defer making 'big decisions' for a year so thought I would accept the first job that came along, however, now I'm realising that it means it will cost me more to do said 'job' than current income...so I'm effectively paying for paid income! Just to move will cost ££££, but not moving means I'm stuck here...wishing to move.

...but on the other hand, current dilemmas means...making a commitment one way or t'other. Do I invest in me? (risky) or do I take a safe route...or do I tread water for a year...with the risk that I don't ever recover...or do I take the money, and buy a cheap place, hunker down for a year...

There are no answers...just a decision and get on with it!

Aim for the future: Ability to pay bills...be self-sufficient...but successful. Oh, and worship at the mecca of meh.

Hello everyone, thank you izzie my lovely girl, for setting up this thread as well as the last one, as you know I'm thicko mcthicky when it comes to IT gubbins, but at least I've got good staff,

Have read all the posts tonight, welcome new girls, < weird saying that innit, but you know what I mean>

Re -suicidal thoughts, yep, I had those too, things seem so black, and the pain is overwhelming, but knew I could never do that to my sons. My sisters eldest son took his own life in 2013 so I know how much devestation it can cause to a family unit, it's so hard to come to terms with.

I suppose on here we can admit to things that we would find difficult, or in fact impossible to discuss with our friends and family. I haven't admitted I felt like that to anyone, but here i know i won't be judged for being 'weak' for not getting over it quickly enough, for not 'moving on' , or accepting my rejection and 'taking it on the chin' .

Well, fuck that, I'll be the one who decides now, when I'm ready, not to anyone else's timetable, but my own .

They say that people don't really want to die - they just don't want the life they have...

Just looked at the right - there it is again!!!