HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

My favourite posts on here have been; well most of wwks tbh,
The girl has a way with words, and that's a fact, she is a shining

Hello everyone.

Ali bloody hard day for you today. Been thinking of you. You're doing just great with your DD, she doesn't doubt your love and care for a moment, it's just a lot for her to get her head round x

Hobbit good luck for tomorrow x

I have so many of you here that I want to thank for your support ( teary Oscar acceptance type speech ) and to be honest I haven't the energy to write everyone's names but they all know who they are. It's a bit like a wee family this place isn't it ? Have calmed down a good bit now, just in home and it's all very quiet but no tears as yet. I dropped dd off and even grew a pair unlike him to go in and tell her to enjoy her time with her Dad and we spoke to dd together about EWO. A bit like staring in from the outside, I realised that he again was controlling the conversation to dd and dismissing my comments. So to actually notice that is a good thing for me. Before I would have just taken his word as gospel. Dd has had lots of missed school as she suffers from juvenile migraines and had lots of days spent in darkened room. It's only recently we've had a consultant help try and sort this ... Plus she's got a few other linked problems but really due to separation she has spent a lot more time sick.Onviously all the acrimony has her worn down too. I think I'm ok with her there tonight as I just need head space. I've solicitor tomorrow to discuss no 6 and his recent antics and WA on Wed so hope to be stronger for dd on Thursday coming home, unless he pulls another flanker. I have been thinking about how h has not had to do this on his own yet. Best mate there to support him whereas I coped ( not very well ) on my own. I just wonder if he is left homeless when bm moves will his life fall apart like mine ? Or will he just step up the fuckery. All I know is the sooner he fecks off to other side of Atlantic, the better. Hopefully dd and I will get peace to bond properly. Some tiny shreds of hope slipping in but if I can sit him out for the Summer then ds will be home and things will get easier ( I hope ).
Re suicidal thoughts, I am soooo glad to hear I'm not on my own and it's part and parcel of the acrimonious, EA merry go round.
Honestly, so tired but love every one of you ladies and hope we all get the happiness we deserve.
There are so many outbursts of pure fun and piss taking on here that it really is a healer. Now I'm dying to know what wwk's fella looks like if he scares small children lol. in still having trouble getting Hobs men out of my head... That's enough to drive me to become smelly old cat lady who shakes her stick at strangers ! Anyhow, probably be back later but you've all helped me and I only hope I can return this in kind very soon xxx

WWK that's a big insight into things. So many decisions. Are you eating properly yet? Thinking about your post today re weight loss.

Hobbit you have far more important things going on than to learn a bit of IT stuff. If I can do it, so can you when you want to, but for now, your best contribution are your posts. Warm and soooo funny. Love you

And yes, it's the thought of those left behind. Could never do that to my sons. And I know that DS1 would never forgive me. Now, more than ever, our kids need us. My cousin, same age as me, took his own life this time last year. I feel so sad for his immediate family and his nephews and nieces. There is always a solution, and there was to his problems, but he just couldn't see it.

I've been back to meh land again, accompanied by some anger. But I've been having a sort out. Either I will end up in an incredibly well organised home, or I'll have it all ready to pack up and leave. I've learned a few new skills over the weekend too. I'm really enjoying the autonomy. Today I decided to empty out some of the pots on the patio. Am now thinking about getting rid of the rest of them, streamlining things. Fuck it, I can do as I please! This led on to some sorting out of the garage. I like the idea of rearranging that to suit me, as it was very much his domain.....for that, ready disorganised too. Anyway, I'm taking over. That's what happens when you sod off, things change and things go missing....

It will be another first in this house soon, his birthday, the first year he won't be getting a card from his sons. They won't send one to her house, and I don't think they even know where he lives! Well he likes to keep things separate. And he's certainly separate from this family. Twat.

Who decides after two years that they didn't really mean it?

I know of two people who's marriages lasted less than a month.

Whose

ali you are getting stronger all the time. Of course you will have setbacks, we all do. But you've become an important part of this thread, very warm, caring, funny and honest. And I loved your post about the sad sacks of shite. KOKO xx

Ok all, I'm off to have a bath, then bed. Xx

Izzie I have a bet with friend...she think's I'm below 60kgs...closer to 55kgs. I think I'm in the 60 - 65kg range. I don't own scales (and I don't have a scooby doo about stones and pounds) so we've laid a bet that once I find a set a scales...the one that is right buys a meal out!

I'm 5'7 (according to Google - 170cms according to passport). BMI is a pile of crock (remember MrSW is 'clinically obese...ugly fucker who scares children, but not fat!)

I am currently buying size 10 top and bottom.

And no, I have not recovered any appetite. I have always eaten once a day ...but in the last few months have been forcing myself to eat more than once a day. But I'm still losing weight...although I though I'd picked up last month. According to friend...no.

So, not only do I fall out with my life, I disagree with my friends!

Hello.. well glad to hear the Twunt made someone laugh, WWK although shit at IT I can convert kilos to stones and pounds so you are just over 9 stone.. not good so please start eating little and often, or do as I do, drink beer lots of empty calories and really makes you look fat after a few, but not everyday

WWK I was over 9stone before this. I'm 5ft and was heavier than should be and around middle but not fat. So yes. I agree empty calories. If you can't face eating try cola. It will get you used to a fuller feeling and it's fattening. Blimey you are a giant amongst us diddly people.

I was a size 12 at my heaviest. But size 10 bottom.

Agree re BMi. My niece aged 9 apparently overweight. Not at all. She's slim. But tall for her age.

Minadex tonic is meant to improve appetite. I'm like you. Once I lose my appetite it's difficult to regain. That's why I was always slim and struggled to put on weight.

No breakfast for me this morning my stomach is churning, I'm going to see the solicitor to talk things through, hopefully he'll reassure me and I'll feel better.

Morning all...been kind of lurking in here.

I'm 2 years down the "I've ended my marriage" road and still feel like I failed. Highlighted by the fact that today EXH is in maternity with mcmunter, they are getting a c-section. He is already forgetting about his children now a new one is in the horizon and my heart aches for my babies.
Today I am mostly cynical and bitter again...I thought I was past it...clearly not.

morning all - just checking in - have skimmed read & will catch up later - talking of rings - i want to sell off my engagement & eternity ring & buy myself an alternative - any ideas where good to sell. still have the marks too but only just recently removed eternity ring.

all this talk about being too old to date - load of rubbish! I have a biggish birthday at the weekend !! meet ups are the way to go - the walking groups seem to be the most popular so get yourselves out their ladies - life is too short - you all deserve a bit of fun!!!

kokoxx

hello witch - its him thats failed not you - same with all these twunts - they think if they start again it will all be different this time - what they dont get is that they are the weakest link.

I can understand it must be a difficult time for you right now - be kind to yourself today - the fact that you are still suffering shows how much you can care - focus on your babies - they make everything worthwhile - find something small to be grateful for today and it will shift your mood

big hugsxx

Hobbit just for you xx...

WitchoftheNOrth, it's funny how they can so easily move on isn't it. My major stress was the prospect of an international custody battle over the children, Hague convention evoked etc.
ANyway, usually my H SKypes the kids at the weekend. This weekend I had no messages from him about this, although jhe did Skype them a few times in the week because he had some days off.
Then just silence all weekend, so I sent him a message last night. "You've been quiet all weekend. I thought you would have wanted to Skype the children. Have you been busy?"
I expect he has been with OW. But I can see him quickly losing interest in the children. After the dread about having them taken off me so they would be raised by him and his mother (father-right over children is very strong in Japan, although it is in the UK, but in Japan they basically state that the children are the husband's family's property) I don't feel anything but "Meh" at the thought of him losing interest in the children.
BUt at the same time I think "My poor babies" just like you WItchoftheNorth. I expect the child maintenance he pays right now is going to taper off very soon.
His answer to what he was doing at the weekend: "I spent 6 hours in a net cafe" NOw, Japanese culture aside (and the net cafes are cool because they have beds or even sofas and free drink bars and pizzas etc), I just don't believe that this is why he couldn't Skype the children.
Or maybe it was the reason. Maybe he felt burdened by having a family and literally just wants to be a carefree single guy who can spend his wages on buying "cool stuff" and gadgets and going to net cafes at the weekend

WWK I like the bet 60kg sounds about ok.

Re weight it's how anyone feels about themselves rather than how much they weigh. If you fit your clothes happily and are eating healthily then how much you weigh shouldn't be a problem (not sure about the 2nd one with you )

I'm 5' 4" (163cm) and weigh around 8st 3lb (around 53kg) I'm happy at this weight and only worry if I go into the 7 stones as then I look really "scrawny". I eat healthily (twice a day) and have learned how to manage to eat with a clenched stomach - I just vary my diet with soup/soft food etc at those times.

I used to weigh over 3 stone more and spend most of my childhood chubby. Now I find that if I put on weight it all goes on my stomach so just try to maintain what I am now.

Now my ex - well he's 6'4", clinically obese - a fact because when diagnosed as diabetic they told him so! All his weight is on his gut and he seems to do nothing to help himself poor lamb

3 weeks today since he left, be glad when it's 3 years, why on earth he thinks he would be happier I'll never know, he looks like shit and far from happy, but I'm sure the guilt will lift soon and he'll skip off into the sunset, and expect me to behave like nothing's happened, how do they just leave, ruin lives and detach themselves? It's still beyond me

green s'all right for you - you've found someone!!!!

"find something small to be grateful for today" been there, not interested!! (ok being a tad smutty). I guess the answer to that one is being on this thread

Re rings - I was going to wait till Nisi was through but took mine off a few months ago when I realised it was going to take longer than i thought. That ring had never been off my finger since it was first put on.

Selling rings - see this for plain metals

Engagement rings etc - you could look at ebay (mixed results from research) or go into a local jewellers that sells 2nd hand, or a pawn shop

Hi Witch there are a couple of posters on here who's exes have just had babies with OW or are pregnant who I'm sure will empathise with you. It's so easy for men to just move on to a new life and forget about the old and what they are leaving behind. I tend to think of this as their loss