Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

[Pantone363]

Two months is such a small amount of time. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve over what you thought would be your future.

When the same thing happened to me MN was so helpful. One of the worst things was how easily he seemed to have moved on but a very wise MNer pointed out that in his head he had already checked out and moved on long ago. This is all still new for you.

Chin up, tits out (as my nan would say!)

[Onmyownwith4kids]

It takes time. 15 months on I still get waves of hurt but happiness now outweighs the miserable moments. But I remember the overwhelming crushing sadness and feeling life wasn't worth living. It does get better and I'm now grateful to ow for taking him off my hands. A new exciting life awaits but it takes time to get there x

[Hobbitwife001]

Thank you, it is very difficult, we only live in a small village and he has moved in with her about 300 yards away, I keep seeing his car parked there and I feel sick to think that he has done this to me and my sons.
They are 23 and 19 and the youngest boy has Aspergers. I am trying so hard to put on a brave face but inside I'm crumbling. I have had six months of his denials and gaslighting , saying she was just a friend and I was being paranoid, but I knew there was more to it, I know his behaviours and it was not just friendship.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Horrible when they are so close. Try to ignore them. They are not worthy of your attention. Do you have support in the village? I bet they are appalled at his behaviour

[Hobbitwife001]

He says he wants the divorce to be amicable, but how can it be when he has shit on me from a great height! He just doesn't want to admit to being a selfish bastard and is pulling the old YOLO crap. He has just turned 50, and had a party in the local pub where we have been going as a family for the last 15 years , which was arranged by his new girlfriend ! How inconsiderate can u be ? I am just in despair.

[winkywinkola]

Wow. 300 yards away. That's hard for you.

He's clearly a classy kind of guy and has no shame.

Is there any chance you could move away? Would you want to?

It sounds horrible. You've been betrayed by your husband and your friend.

It will take a whole for the pain to subside but having to live near them is just rubbing salt in the wound. Horrible man for just doing that to you and his sons. You are well rid.

[Mrsgrumble]

What a dick..

Ok

So he is selfish
He has no compassion
He has no loyalty
He is a liar and and a user

What else got on your nerves about him?

[Hobbitwife001]

I do have some great friends here, scousegirl u know who u are! And my bestie is a shit hot lawyer, and has given me some really good advice, he is quite involved in lots of things in the village and it breaks my heart to see him just carrying on as if nothing has happened when my world has been split apart.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

You will get through this I promise. Ignore them. You have your sons and your dignity. He can throw all the parties he likes. Doesn't mask his cowardly cheating behaviour. I have been where you are where the obsession takes over. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them feel it bothers you. Look after yourself and try to block what they're doing out. If he wants an amicable divorce make sure you get your fair share financially. Take control, see a solicitor, it's about you now not him x

[Hobbitwife001]

He snored like a train, farted a lot, was a crap dancer and had terrible taste in eighties music! Apart from all these faults he is a real catch for the OW isn't he! Ha Ha , thank u Mrs grumble x

[avocadogreen]

Oh GOD what a wanker! Trust me, noone at that local pub will have any respect for him, even if anyone did turn up to his party.

Do you have good friends in real life? Family? Can you move house?

I really feel for you, my exH left 9 months ago for OW, leaving me with 2 young DC. He was a shit but at least he had the decency to move 200 miles away!

You will get through this. MN helped me so much through those first awful months.

[Hobbitwife001]

Thank you onmyown, I have read some of your posts on other threads and you sound like you have really moved forward in to a much happier life. I know I will be happier without him, but it so scary after being with someone for so long to be on your own.

[Hobbitwife001]

That's true actually, avocado green , a lot of our mutual friends have cut him off completely, they are so disgusted with his behaviour, so there were not many people there, only her friends really. Still hurts that he would even con sider doing that , we were all going to make it so special for him.

[Hobbitwife001]

The night he told me about the affair, he jammed loads of clothes under the door in case I got a bit stabby in the night! I wish I had now, I've lost my chance to get my own back on the fucker! I need to get some fire in my belly and fight back against them, they are not going to beat me.

[Hobbitwife001]

Think I need to try and get some sleep now, thank you ladies, you are lovely. X

[WellWhoKnew]

27 years

left two months ago

Right-o hobbit, here I am to give you a hard time because that's what you really need right now.

Brace yourself

Firstly, cry and cry and cry, and do NOT let anyone tell you not to. One day, you'll just stop for a little while, and that's a landmark in itself.

Second, cry and cry and cry some more. Do NOT let yourself feel bad about this. One day it will just stop for a whole day. Enjoy that day.

Thirdly, cry, be numb, and do a bit of enjoy - anything you can think of to get yourself out of the house. When the depressions started (and they do after a couple of weeks/months) if I managed the washing up, it was an achievement. Remember there are no housework police!

Try anything you can to NOT focus on he and she - difficult as that is.

You know I'm 7 and a half months after a fourteen year marriage imploding. Some days I laugh my head off, some days I still 'vibrate' as MrsC would say, because you know what - if I'd been run over by a bus, no fucker would expect me to "get over it".

Some days I feel very woe is me - and that's just mightly bloody fine.

I tell myself just to take everything one day at a time.

Just one day at a time. It will get easier, but not if you give yourself a hard time, be spiteful to yourself in your own head, pretend that all's okay when it's not - all work to keep you in misery for much longer.

"Detach and Survive" and "Runaway Husbands" did have a small impact on me. They can't take the pain away, but they do offer some good ideas for trying to cope.

Take care,

[Hobbitwife001]

Hi WWK, so lovely to hear from you again, wise words as usual from you, I just need to put them into practise don't i? Easier said than done , but I know it just takes time and I don't want to feel shit for another minute!
I just wake up every morning thinking ' has he really done this to me' or is it a bad dream. X

[Hobbitwife001]

I have started counselling, but I just end up crying all the time , don't know if it's helping going over all the pain again each session, and it's sixty quid an hour! Maybe I just vent on MN instead.

[Hobbitwife001]

It's Christmas in two weeks as well and I haven't done a thing, will just have to do it all last minute, have no enthusiasm at all but know I must make a big effort for my boys. Have only had two cards so far with his name on, threw them in the log burner.,

[WellWhoKnew]

I'm still in counselling and I still cry at the lovely SHL as well. I know you're feeling shit but there will come a time when you just stop crying for a bit. It doesn't mean you're not feeling like shit. But as the tears subside, the depression kicks in. So keep fucking crying and keep talking to the counsellor. They don't mind you crying your heart out. At £60 quid an hour, I should hope not anyway!

[Hobbitwife001]

Awwww... WWK you are so kind, I have followed your struggle with the 'master of the universe' all the way through, and I know you haven't long to go before you are free of the fucker , thank you for taking the time to give me hope and encouragement for the future, I am just struggling at the moment to see an end to these feelings. X

[WellWhoKnew]

About month 3.5 for me - the first clear day of feeling bereft.

About six months when I could actually have an okay day.

Anyway off to cry at the SHB today as we work on the Armaggedon plan and deal with the latest fuckwittery.

KOKO as we say. You'll get there. Just one day at a time.

[magoria]

I have heard that rule of thumb give it a month for every year you were together. That puts into perspective how early it is for you.

Of course he wants it to be amicable. What that means is don't fight for what you are entitled and allow him to screw you over financially just like he already had every other way.

Just be kind to yourself and put you and your DC first.

It will get better.

[innerstrength100]

Hobbitwife - I am so so sorry you are going through this. You are absolutely not on your own. I am reeling days into a horrible split, and I was not with my DP anywhere near 27 years, and luckily he is not in the same village or vicinity.

Counselling is a good idea, even if you just cry. I do at mine too.

I agree with other posters that you should at least consider moving away (not that you should have to - you have done absolutely nothing wrong), but I do know and have learnt the hard way that NO CONTACT including not seeing the ex around anywhere is a huge help in the healing process. And a new start, or any kind of change, also helps.

The feelings are utterly overwhelming, I know. It fills all day every day, every part of you. There is a sudden huge huge hole in your heart and in your life and you flounder around like lost soul in a rough sea, not knowing which way to swim or how far away the shore is, or in which direction. You feel insane and unstable. Reeling.

I said to someone yesterday, it feels like I am an emotional soldier just returned from a messy messy battle which involved horrible loss, and I have sustained some really quite serious injuries, which hopefully will eventually recover, but it is going to take a long long time or rest and care and gentle recuperation of all sorts, to get soul and emotional body properly healed.

It is shit. Keep posting; you are not on your own xx

[Hobbitwife001]

I have thought about moving away, but want to keep the house if I can, I wouldn't be able to buy another outright anyway after the settlement, and want to keep some stability for younger DS whom has Aspergers, at least until he finishes his uni course in 2017. I have a strong support network of friends in the village as well, and partly i also think why should I uproot my family when I haven't done anything wrong?
But it is hard, and will probably get harder as the divorce progresses, I know he will object to giving me spousal maintenance, he said 'I don't want to be paying out to you for the rest of my life' WELL, we shall see about that. KOKO as WWK says very eloquently.